Friday, January 30, 2009

Locals agitate already excited mountain; eruption expected

Mount Redoubt, an active volcano situated about 100 miles to the southwest of Anchorage, Alaska, has been showing more signs of excitement in recent weeks, and experts are certain that the peak could blow at any time.

“We’ve had all sorts of activity going on,” says Dr. William Gilcrest, one of the scientists who has been studying the mountain for several years. “It would seem that Redoubt is getting… angry. She hasn’t been this upset since the Boy Scout Troop 844 incident of ’89.”

Back in December of 1989, a Boy Scout group from Anchorage hiked the peak in order to fulfill some merit badge requirements. However, the boys were much more unruly than normal on that day, and they engaged in such non-Boy Scout activity as horsing around, leaving trash behind them, belittling the local fauna and failing to set up a proper latrine system for their waste.

“It was a bad, bad day,” admits former Scoutmaster Kevin Howard. “The boys—and even myself—were neither trustworthy nor loyal, helpful nor friendly, courteous nor kind, obedient nor cheerful, thrifty nor brave, clean nor reverent. And Mother Nature does not tolerate such unscrupulous young men.”

As the boys carried on, the Mount Redoubt began spewing forth ash and magma, and the wrath lasted for several months. Now it appears that Redoubt is showing similar patterns to the event in ’89.

“It’s quite obvious why this is happening,” Gilcrest says, shaking his head. “I mean, ever since that eruption, scientists and visitors and locals keep coming up here to get a look, and I don’t think Redoubt likes guests. I have the feeling that she just wants to be left alone.”

Dr. Gilcrest showed a chart monitoring the mountains activity as it related to local activity. On one particular evening, a hip-hop extravaganza had been held in nearby Anchorage, during which the chart indicated a severe spike in agitation.

“I don’t think she likes rap,” Gilcrest laughs. “She was much calmer when Yanni did his tour here a few years back.”

We were unable to get a comment on the situation from Mount Redoubt herself, who simply yelled, “Get the %^#* off my lawn!” when we attempted to ask her anything.

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