Thursday, January 29, 2009

Taxpayer money used for porn research; volunteers line up by the thousands

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2009/01/29/pkg.johns.government.porn.cnn?iref=24hours

CNN reported earlier today that several employees of the National Foundation of Science—including one senior official—were fired for viewing sexually explicit images while working on taxpayer funded salaries and computers. But now, Dr. Arden L. Bement, Jr., director of the NSF, would like to make a clarification.

“What appeared to be a couple of employees misbehaving was actually a secret research project that we have been heading up for over a decade now,” Bement explains. “They weren’t surfing for gratification; they were researching the effects of pornography. It was all for science!”

Dr. Bement provided documents to show that former President Bill Clinton was the one who approved the initiative, and was very much aware of and involved in the research. Per executive order, President Clinton was able to release the funds necessary for the work without having to alert the American people.

“You have to understand why we kept it secret for so long,” says Bement. “Our conservative culture would not have liked us doing this kind of research, especially when it is paid for by their hard earned money. But as pornography is linked to so many ills in society, we had to study it and identify how to cure some of these ills.”

Conservative taxpayer advocacy organizations had harsh words for the secretive research. “It’s not enough that the government taxes us to pieces and then spends our money so carelessly,” says Bernard Wilkinson, President of Taxes Are For Suckers, LLC. “Now they’re funding stuff in secret, and this has to stop.”

Right-leaning student organizations at the University of Florida are also outraged about the poor use of taxpayer money—but they emphatically approve of the research. Many feel that they have a better solution for the situation.

“I’ve asked all of my friends—including my 2,357 Facebook friends—and every single one of them said they would volunteer their time for free to assist in this research,” comments Harvey Ottermann, a senior at the university. “That would save much on taxes, and would allow students to happily fulfill the 100 or so volunteer and service hours that the current president is about to thrust on us.”

As word has gotten around across the nation that the NSF has been undertaking this project, more and more students have switched their majors to science-based degrees. Southern Bismarck State College professor of Biology, Dr. Gregor Vonovich, explains that many Humanities and Philosophy majors—who were already doomed to a life of internet surfing and boredom due to unemployment—are now hopeful that they can have a meaningful career doing the things in which they already have experience.

1 comment:

  1. Tony, this is so funny! Thanks for making me laugh.

    Erin Mckasson Hale

    ReplyDelete