Tuesday, January 27, 2009

US to close Gitmo, Cuba

After much deliberation, President Obama has decided that the prison at Guantanamo Bay is no longer necessary.

“It just seems to be a conflict of interests,” explained press secretary, Robert Gibbs. “The American Ideal and Gitmo just do not go hand-in-hand.”

In addition to the closing doors at Gitmo the United States also has plans to shut down the entire country of Cuba. After decades of human rights violations, hurricanes, death at sea, and Castro, newly elected President Obama decided that Cuba was no longer in the broad scope of US interests.

“Without the prison, Cuba just seems to have very little purpose,” revealed Gibbs. “It just seems to make sense that shutting down Cuba be in conjunction with shutting down Gitmo.”

Raul Soledad, a native Cuban living in Florida, was confused by the news, as are thousands of others like him.

“It is hard to imagine that I’ll miss the place that I tried so hard to escape,” said Raul. “But I suppose it is just as well. Anyway I am pretty sure that the island is deserted. I just saw my entire native village down the street.”

The ACLU has been shouting the news from the rooftops. The country has been a thorn in its side for decades. ACLU members tried to turn Cuban human rights violations on the US by insinuating that sanctions against the country were the reason for Castro’s cruelty. Now they are ecstatic that the problem will no longer hinder their efforts to legalize Statue of Liberty urination.

“Shutting down the prison was a HUGE victory for us!” said ACLU spokesman, Jeremy Hockins. “But getting rid of Cuba altogether is like a dream come true.”

“This is a major blow to human rights offenders everywhere!” continued press secretary Gibbs. “And it will really open up the shipping lanes in the Caribbean.”

When asked how the closure will occur, Secretary Gibbs explained that it would be a fairly simple process. “We don’t even have an embassy to recall or anything so once President Obama hits ‘delete” on the Cuba files we expect the island will sink into the ocean. Maybe some of the higher elevations will remain above sea level but we’ll send a hurricane or two to polish them off.”

President Obama commented briefly on his decision to close Cuba when he spoke to the media on Tuesday. “Castro is old and his brother is not near as polarizing; I don’t see a future in that” the President said. “The only reason we had Cuba in the first place was to put a military prison on it. That prison is no longer in our plans and so neither is Cuba.”

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