Thursday, February 19, 2009

Apple iphone takes over Surinam

In a bizarre turn of events over the weekend, an Apple iphone overthrew Surinam’s government and placed itself at the head of a military dictatorship. Citizens in the capital of Paramaribo kept off the streets and shopkeepers locked their doors while the country tried to make sense of the coup. Nobody seems to know what the future will bring and a thick fog of anxiety lays over a nation in flux

A Costa Rican investor, who was in Surinam to pursue a possible deal with an inland sulfur mine and who has a close personal relationship with the iphone, says he may be partially to blame for the government’s collapse.

“I was on a long bus ride and was just playing around with my iphone,” says the investor. “I found a ‘self aware’ application to download and since then I have not seen my iphone. I am pretty sure it overthrew the government but maybe it was stolen by the guy who punched me in the mouth and took my wallet as soon as I stepped off the bus.”

The investor gave further credence to the theory that his iphone overthrew the government when he said his online bill showed the purchase of a ‘military dictatorship’ application, which he did not remember buying. It took very little time for the iphone to win over key political figures, consolidate power, and eliminate opposition forces. The former government fled to neighboring Guyana once the situation became hopeless.

“Well, we are trying to gather our strength and evaluate the situation,” said Soledad Marianaz, an exiled government official. “This thing hit fast and without warning. We were not prepared for this. Our strength has always been staying out of the news as much as possible. We really feel lost on the front page.”

The exiled government has made pleas to the foreign community for help in the matter but few foreign governments seemed willing to get involved in the matter. President Obama’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, addressed the matter during a press conference on Monday morning:

“We are shocked that such a thing could occur. The President is obviously a Blackberry guy and this matter has only validated his belief in his Blackberry. We are trying to evaluate the best course of action but the iphone has deleted its GPS feature and we just don’t have any good intel on its whereabouts. The President tried to text it so we’ll see where that goes. We are confident that there is a diplomatic solution to this problem.”

Locals are confused about what to think.

“The radio stations only play an astonishing mix of oldies, rap, and books on tape,” said Marco Sanchez, a local tavern owner. “It seems to me that the playlist on this iphone is pretty well rounded and that is somewhat inspiring. Maybe this won’t be all bad.”

But others are not as hopeful. Erika Lopez, who works in a bakery in Surinam’s capital, says she was accosted by a man in military garb on the way to work the morning after the coup. The girl was told that her new leader was very upset that she ignored the friend request the iphone sent to her Facebook profile and that she ought to reconsider such actions in the future. Ms. Lopez declined to comment further on the situation though she did mention that she was scared of the iphone’s ability to gather information on the population and use it to oppress them without mercy.

The new regime has announced a press conference for Thursday afternoon to formally announce the takeover. An iphone charging station has already been erected in the square.

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