Monday, February 23, 2009

Curious George banned from PBS

In the aftermath of the brutal chimp attack that disfigured a Connecticut woman’s face, the House Committee on Natural Resources has decided to ban the keeping of primates as pets. Rep. Nick Rahall, chairman of this nearly unknown committee typically designated as a punishment for lackluster congressmen, has declared a quote-unquote war on the chimp-owning community.

“This is quite overdue,” a stern-faced Rahall said on Monday. “I don’t know why people haven’t seen this coming. We’re all very well aware of the colloquial phrase ‘to go ape.’ Did we really think that was just a joke? This is serious business.”

Along with forthcoming legislation aimed at prohibiting this practice, the House committee has decided to go after what they consider the root of our society’s chimp-loving problem: Curious George. Rahall said that he has evidence showing the connection between children who have grown up with the loveable monkey and those who have later been party to violent chimp attacks in domestic settings. He feels that if the affable ape is removed permanently from our lives, our world will be safer.

“I have always held Curious George as the single greatest menace to our citizens,” Rahall said. “Since the 1940’s, he has given children this atrocious concept that monkeys are cute and cuddly, and that when they damage priceless artifacts at the city museum, all will be pardoned by some yellow-clad lanky person. But this is not reality. In reality, there is no forgiving man-in-the-yellow-hat with a happy little chimp. In realty, there is grumpy, unshaven and inebriated fellow with a camouflage Budweiser baseball cap, and his ape will bite your freaking face off.”

Rahall has spoken with the producers of the beloved kids’ show, as well as with publishers who still distribute the classic antics of Mr. George, and given them a pre-emptive surrender notice. “There’s no way our legislation won’t pass,” said Elton Gallegly, a Republican committee member from California. “And it’s just fair to tell these businesses to prepare to shut down. We won’t tolerate their brainwashing anymore.”

Other such children’s shows are beginning to panic, afraid that this overzealous committee will come after them in the future. Gabriel Adams, spokesman for the “Gentle Ben” program—which features a 7-ft tall grizzly bear who hangs out with children in the park as they eat lunch and then play games and learn together—was certain that the government would be nixing the show.

“No, we’re only after the monkey,” Rahall said in response to these fears. “There is no indication that people have grizzlies as pets. But, hypothetically, if they did have them as pets, then, well, yeah, I suppose Gentle Ben would be renamed Violent Child Abducting Toddler Maiming Ben, and we’d pretty much have his head, too.”

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