Tuesday, February 17, 2009

French, British Nuclear Subs Collide in Crowded Ipswich Train Station


A nuclear submarine collision occurred on Saturday in an unprecedented event at Ipswich train station. A British submarine rammed a French submarine during what both nations are describing as regular patrols. Representatives from each nation scrambled to asses the damages sustained by their respective watercraft and rushed to isolate any radioactive leakage which may have resulted from the collision.

“Thankfully the damage was only superficial,” said Royal Navy inspector, Abraham Jauns. “We are confident that the nuclear propelled drive and all warheads on board have maintained their integrity.”

Likewise, the French inspectors have confirmed moderate damage to navigation and electrical systems but insist that the nuclear aspects of their submarine are still intact. After confirming that Ipswich was not at a radioactive risk, inspectors from both nations began to sort out why the collision occurred in the tracks just outside the station and not in the ocean.

“This is most shocking,” explains Janus. That submarine was supposed to be over the mid-Atlantic trench. To end up many thousands of miles from that point and in a train station is a grievous error.”

The French investigative team explained that the location of their submarine was accurate with its last known position. “We have been at Ipswich station for several weeks,” says French Navy correspondent, Louise Orleans. We do not like to have our submarines underwater all the time and there is ample space to maneuver at Ipswich station. But now our cover is blown and we will have to seek out other stations.”

Lona Beck, a frequent traveler on the lines between Ipswich and London said she noticed the submarine a while back. “Having been in this part of England for many years now, I am not shocked by anything,” says Mrs. Beck. “I figured the sub was a new part of the station’s d├ęcor or an elaborate Facebook prank. You know, I didn’t think it was Frech submarine armed with nuclear warheads. But there I go again; that’s really not surprising either, is it?”

A British naval officer, who wishes to remain unnamed, said that he knew the sub’s GPS and sonar systems were compromised some time ago. He figures the submarine made its way into the Chunnel and then on to Ipswich. He was surprised, though, that they collided with another nuclear submarine.

“When you think of submarines in a train station,” he said, “you usually think of just one or probably none. But to have two submarines armed with nukes colliding at the same station…We’ll it really goes to show what a risk it is to man a nuclear sub.”

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