Friday, February 27, 2009

Green Party wants guns evicted from Swiss homes

The Swiss are internationally sterotyped for only a few things: strong banks, pig-tailed Alpine maidens, watches, pocket-knives etc. But now, one of the most distinguishing features of Swiss culture is about to be sacked: the storage of fully-automatic military grade assault rifles in private residences.

Josef Lang, a leading figure in Switzerland’s most annoying political faction, the Green Party, says that firearms in the home are one of the greatest threats to peaceful family living. As such, he is proposing legislature that would prohibit the safe-keeping of military rifles for the militia and storing them instead at military installations throughout the nation.

“These firearms are responsible for numerous incidents of manslaughter and homicide every year,” Lang said on Friday. “These weapons are unpredictable and volatile, and are making our homes unsafe.”

Indeed, many citizens are complaining about the issues that arrive with having their rifle at home with them. “They just aren’t very good guests,” Martin Kleiner says. “I often come home from work only to see my rifle rooting through my fridge and drinking all my beer. I tried to stop him once and he shot me, so of course I just let him carry on nowadays.”

“My rifle is constantly changing the channel when I watch TV,” says Gerd Wegemann. “Of course I hate it, but it’s an assault rifle! What do you say to an assault rifle? My wife made the mistake of yelling, ‘could you just leave it on one station for FIVE seconds?’ and of course he shot her dead right there. He’s a nuisance for sure, but we can’t do anything about it.”

Many Swiss tell stories about how they simply walk in the door and catch a bullet in the face, or that they find the firearms in bed with their wives. Even those who are for the storage of these weapons at home admit that the state-issued rifles are just plain ill-tempered.

“Yeah, I love my gun,” Bjorn Schaffner reveals, “but I understand where folks like the Green Party are coming from. It’s like owning a pet chimpanzee or pit-bull or whatever. You just have to know how to deal with its violent nature. Guns hate you. They want to kill you. That’s what they’re built for. So you know, I understand you might not like that, but hey, just deal with it!”

A reporter from CNN tried to get a statement from one of the assault rifles but was promptly shot.

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