Thursday, February 26, 2009

New Budget Plan Appropriates Money to Dog Fighting Rings

President Obama unveiled a new $3.5 trillion dollar federal budget on Thursday which appropriates billions of dollars over thousands of government projects. In addition to health care reform, education, infrastructure development, and renewable energy initiatives, the budget allocates $58.6 billion to rural economic sustainability. Dog-fighting grants are specifically mentioned in this rural initiative.

“In several meetings the President has suggested we be creative,” said Peter Orszag, Director of the Office of Management and Budget. “In order to drive the sustainability of the rural United States we’ll need to allow citizens the means to organize dog-fights.”

In related news announced today, former NFL superstar Michael Vick, who has been serving a prison sentence for bankrolling a dog-fighting operation in Virginia, will be moved to house arrest for the final months of his sentence. The timing of Vick’s departure from federal prison and the announcement of federal dog-fighting funds becoming available do not strike many as coincidence. The federal government may realize the useful role Vick can play in making this new feature of the budget a success.

Vick’s lawyers refused to comment directly about the situation but did indicate that it was not very difficult to read between the lines on this matter. Billy Martin, who has been part of Vick’s legal council through the ordeal, explained that his client “would soon be moved to house arrest at his estate in Hampton, Virginia. Martin also said that Vick has a sudden and unexpected pile of paperwork, photo shoots, kennel organizing, and, bookie profiles to sort out over these last few months under house arrest.

PETA was understandably mortified by the announcement. Though they have not issued an official statement, by mid-day on Thursday naked members of the organization were crawling on their hands and knees in Central Park while others held signs that said “I would rather crawl around naked than just about anything else.”

Samuel Waxbone, of Rock Springs, AR, stands to benefit from the new budget directive. He runs a small tamale cart outside the city hall and he thinks his tamales could be a hit at dog fighting events. “Its all about opportunity,” says Waxbone. “The government is bringing people together in a commercial cooperative. Dog-fighting will also serve to inspire the tamale, soda, alcohol, drug, and prostitution industries in these parts.”

Despite the effect this move may have on rural economic sustainability there are many who suggest the measure might be a little extreme. Davie Newcomb, who lives outside Davenport, IA, is conflicted about the decision to make dog-fighting accessible. “My cairn terrier could destroy any dog it faced but I have principals. I will not be a part of this, even if I could earn a lot of money. But I am glad it will soon be easier to abort more babies. Our President is a smart man.”

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