Friday, February 13, 2009

Octuplet Mother short on cash; consults local “cat-lady”

Despite receiving close to $2400 a month in government welfare, famed octuplet mother Nadya Suleman finds herself scraping the bottom of the barrel for enough cash to support her 14 children. With no job and a hefty student loan repayment looming over her head, Suleman is beginning to wonder how she’ll be able to provide for her litter.

“We’re just getting very thin on supplies,” a teary-eyed Suleman said. “I know I would probably be able to cover the cost of food with the government subsidies I get every month, but I’ve set that money aside for my next in-vitro fertilization—do you have any idea how expensive that procedure is? Anyway, having more babies in the future is more important than feeding the ones I have now, so I can’t use the government money on petty food. But still… I need help!”

Help is on the way, but it won’t be coming fast enough to put food in the gaping mouths of the Suleman brood. Even with a pending book deal that will undoubtedly be promoted by Oprah, Suleman just doesn’t know how to make ends meet for these next few difficult months.

Until now.

After learning of the dire situation of her neighbor, Blanch Tannenbaum—a 70-year-old widow living on the same street who supports 342 cats off of her social security checks—stopped by and offered her advice.

“Ms. Suleman and I share a couple of things,” Tannenbaum said. “We both love having little cuddly things around, and we are both loathed by the local and national community. So I just had to come by and show her a thing or two.”

Suleman was extremely grateful for the advice. Among other things, she learned that one can save a good chunk of money by neglecting housework, wallowing in filth, never changing or washing clothes, allowing bugs to invade the property (bugs are an excellent source of natural protein, and babies often eat them out of instinct), and letting the other cats—or in her case, children—kill each other off in fits of hunger to control both population and budget.

“It will be a bit of an adjustment, but I know I can do it,” Suleman said, smiling. “It will allow me and the kids to live until mommy can afford to put more babies inside her.”

In related news, NSA officials—who have been unable to produce any intelligence in regards to actual threats against the United States—intercepted a communication from Hollywood indicating that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be planning a raid on the Suleman home to nab a child for their own collection.

1 comment:

  1. Pretty much the funniest thing I have read all week. very good work. I love cats, and hate babies, so I can only pray I find a neighbor like Nadya, because no doubt I will be the crazy cat lady! -stacey

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