Saturday, February 21, 2009

Stock Market Plunges 458 Points on News of Failed School Lunch Trade

The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell a staggering 458 points to close Friday’s trading and caps off a roller-coaster week for the markets. Friday’s plunge came after moderate increases on Wednesday and Thursday. Any hope that the market may have found its legs during these tumultuous times came crashing down with Friday’s free-fall.

The market lost 4.9% of its total value ranking the day as one of the toughest in a rough four month stretch. The day started trading slightly lower then where it closed on Thursday but around 11:50 am EST the bottom began to fall out. Bad news spread quickly and investors scrambled to unload shares of plummeting stocks in order to mitigate loses.

Archie Severson, a broker on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange was in the center of the action and is afraid he may have played a part in creating a panic on the floor when news about a failed lunchtime trade between his son and classmate leaked to the public.

“I answered my cell phone around lunch time and my boy, Timmy, was on the other end ranting and raving about the lunch his mother had packed for him this morning. It looks like he was unable to broker a trade with a tuna fish sandwich.”

Sources close the boy said Timmy was attempting to trade for either a bag of Doritos or a cinnamon bun but was unable to leverage his tuna fish sandwich even by throwing a small stash of seedless grapes into the mix.

“Well he was pretty upset about the whole mess,” continued Severson, “and I hate to see a trade fail as much as anybody. I should have excused myself from the floor but I let my emotions get the best of me and that seemed to cause a selloff.”

Within minutes of that phone call the market began to slump and by the closing bell traders everywhere stared at the floor in disbelief.

“The light at the end of tunnel seems a long way off now,” says Armando Blanton, a mid-level manager from Newark. Actually, it’s a cave. I am not sure what we are in is a tunnel anymore. Deals are falling apart all over this country and not just at the lunchroom table. My little girl couldn’t unload a bucket-full of Polly Pockets for a single marble if she wanted to. And she does want to. It is just bad news all over.”

Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, speaking on behalf of the President tried to put a positive light on the situation. “Well the stimulus package only caused a 4.6 % selloff so it looks like we got some good news there. What an absolute treat this package will be. Government spending! Wooo!”

But 401k’ers everywhere are running out of places to turn to and the stress of the situation has begun to undermine the sanity of a nervous workforce. One investor explained that the news of the failed lunchroom trade has burned her confidence in the up-and-coming generation to keep America viable for the future. Others have decided to never buy tuna fish for their children again in order to stave off a similar meltdown.

Timmy’s father isn’t as pessimistic. “We have seen both good and bad over the years. This episode will be forgotten among future gains and loses. We shouldn’t let a tuna fish sandwich dictated the entire nations, should we?”

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