Friday, March 6, 2009

Ban Ki-moon Invokes ‘Magic Word’ Policy on Darfur

More bad news comes out of the Darfur region of Sudan today as President Omar al-Bashir expels humanitarian aid givers from the area. Bashir has now ensured that an already tenuous situation will remain so as he refuses to work with the United Nations and other international organizations who in the very least are trying to give some sustenance to millions of displaces refugees.

UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon, responded aggressively to the situation. The prospect of human suffering is now as acute as it has ever been for the citizens of Darfur

"Bashir has defied us on almost every hand,” explained the angry Security General. "Even when we have been allowed to bring in aid the ruling warlords have harassed aid-givers, stolen supplies, and openly defied the spirit of the UN. Well the UN is now prepared to invoke the ‘Magic Word’ policy. By this I mean we are going to ask ‘please.’ Please let us send aid-givers back in to the region.”

President Bashir, who this morning expelled aid-givers with a brash and cocky demeanor, was notably shaken by the course of action outlined by the UN as he met with military officials outside his compound.

A sullen Bashir mounted the podium this afternoon to address the few media outlets with outposts in the area.

“Wow. These guys mean business don’t they,” said Bashir. “Well, I was pretty serious this morning when I told them all to get out of here but with this new edict in place I am prepared to think about this before it escalates into something unfortunate.”

The whole incident was brought to pass today when the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Bashir for myriad war crimes and other atrocities. The news prompted Bashir to expel humanitarian aid, which in turn prompted Ban Ki-moon to invoke the ‘Magic Word’ policy. While the situation has evolved into a stalemate, the UN is confident that Bashir will not refuse to comply with such a forceful display of power.

“Power only responds to power,” said Addis Mtuboto of the office of the Secretary General. “We have laid our cards on the table and called Bashir’s bluff. He’ll roll over and die just like that convoy of ours he attacked last week.”

Meanwhile the ICC has taken a page out of the UN’s playbook by formally asking Bashir if they could, ”please issue a warrant for [his] arrest.” This will be followed up with “please may we try you for war crimes,” and finally, “please may we imprison you forever in the Hague.”

Representatives from the five permanent members of the UN Security Council issued the following statement: “Moon did what? Hmmm…Maybe NATO could handle this.”


  1. Pretty good. One of the best yet. I think my next favorite would be the story on the French auto industry. Keep it up.

  2. Hey Nick:

    Ben passed on your work.....and I must say, you've got a way with words. You turn a phrase and satirize much like an all-time favorite of mine, Rick Reilly, formerly of Sports Illustrated. Keep up the writing, and remember, a good place to maybe solicit space for your work is the local paper (don't bank on much moolah what with the declining state of most dailies). You can send your work to me at I know I'll enjoy them. Too bad I didn't have such talent. I got away with a lot of drivel (you know the barnyard expression, if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with b.s.). Just kidding. Put me on your mailing list. Dick Rosetta, Midvale, Utah