Monday, March 9, 2009

Computer model predicts U.S. collapse, followed by Palin-led takeover of Moscow

Professor Igor Panarin of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs told the Associated Press last week that he has strong evidence showing the imminent collapse of the United States by 2010. Using a highly sophisticated computer program that simulates the future of existing governments based on history, economics and the rotation of the earth, the state-sponsored pundit explained that the U.S. of A. can in no way sustain itself for long, and that it would collapse and break into six smaller sub-nations, each to be ruled by a foreign government.

“It’s hard to dispute what the computer spells out,” Panarin told reporters. “I’ve been using this program to gamble on the Australian cricket circuit for months, and I haven’t lost yet. It is clear that the U.S. will collapse, and I expect that Mother Russia and China will become the new international superpowers.”

Panarin went further to explain that the ensuing lawlessness of the collapse would necessitate a Russian intervention in regions of strategic interest, mainly Alaska.

“The land that Seward purchased so many years ago will be brought back into Russian hands, and this is a good thing, for two reasons. One, we Russians actually make good use of our oil reserves, so ANWAR will finally service the international community by providing much needed fuel. Reason number two, Putin has been wanting to hunt Kodiak bear for decades, but your laws have prohibited this. After we take over, he can have a much needed hunting vacation.”

The results of the computer model caused many reporters to be in a mild state of panic, and several U.S. news personnel pressed Panarin harder for more information on what he thought would happen after the collapse.

“Well,” Panarin told the group of American reporters after stepping away from the main group, “there is something in the model that brings hope to the American people. Mind you, this analysis is a bit fuzzy because it is based on the U.S. collapse—which hasn’t happened yet. But it would seem that the computer expects the Russian advance on Alaska to end at the town of Wasilla, where it will be met with fierce resistance from the Palin family. The computer shows that not only will Sarah Palin and family thwart any further advance by Russian troops, but also that her brood will push them all the way back to Moscow, where the Russian government will likely surrender to her.”

Reporters quickly relayed this news to the Alaskan governor, asking if she felt that this were at all a possibility.

“You betcha,” Palin responded.

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