Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Department of Education Proposes Change from ‘No Child Left Behind’ to ’Fifty-Eight Children Left Behind’

An effort to reconstruct the nation’s education system is underway and the Department of Education has been piecing together proposals to submit to the President by Thursday. The Department of Education is responsible for the President’s campaign initiative to create a more favorable and competitive education curriculum. The challenges are quite real and the Department seems to be learning that a lot of compromise will have to take place between competing ventures.

Part of the planned proposal will scale back on the optimism of the ‘No Child Left Behind Act’ and replace it with the ‘Fifty-Eight Children Left Behind Act.’ Michelle Norton, a staff member with the Department of Education, has been heading up this initiative and thinks that leaving behind fifty-eight children is both necessary and fiscally responsible.

“We just have to leave some children behind,” said Norton. “Specifically, we need to leave fifty-eight of them behind. The budget does not work out any other way. This initiative is a step towards a robust national education program that will be among the best in the Americas.”

Speculation about how these fifty-eight will be selected has been rampant within parenting groups and educational tabloids. Many are suggesting that this program will target typically Republican families in an effort to reduce the number of educated Republicans. Others think that selections should be made based upon which parents are addicted to watching ‘Wife Swap.’

Jody Mayfair, an elementary teacher in Omaha, Nebraska, wishes the federal government would stick with the current method of rubberstamping everything at all times no matter the reason. Mayfair thinks that the busywork of a competent teaching curriculum will really hamper the childrens’ self esteem. The current way of doing things doesn’t allow children to realize that they are stupid and in that way they are not left behind.

The ‘Fifty-Eight Children Left Behind Act’ is also said to be coupled with the ‘Big Bird Left Behind Act.’ Sesame Street, which has long received federal educational funding, is being asked to cut down on labor costs by letting Big Bird go.

“The cost of subsidizing such an ostentatious bird is enormous,” says Michelle Norton. “We can really get to the meat and potatoes of the show when he is gone. Big bird would still be allowed in print media, mind you, but he would have to leave the show in order to make ends meet.”

A “Who Killed Big Bird?” episode is said to already be in the works.

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