Wednesday, March 4, 2009

First Dog owes hundreds of thousands in back taxes

In what has become a long string of continued disappointment and embarrassment for the President, it was revealed on Thursday that the First Dog owes the IRS a whopping $347,000 in unpaid taxes. This becomes the fifth member of Obama’s coterie to announce a history of problems with taxes. Although the details on how the Portuguese Water Dog was able to amass such an overwhelming debt to the IRS, it has been alleged that the mutt’s affinity for Beggin’ Strips and collector edition Marmaduke comics caused him to get behind on his payments.

“This is certainly a terrible blow,” the President said on Thursday, rubbing his forehead in obvious frustration. “It is very concerning to me that our vetting process could have so many holes in it. I mean, we are very thorough in our investigations, and it pains me to know that we put this pup through hell only to find out later that he was withholding pertinent information on the matter after we’d adopted him. But what can I do more than say 'BAD DOG!'? It’s a terrible shame.”

The Obamas are now uncertain how to move forward. Past administration picks with unresolved tax-issues were given the option of holding a resignation press conference to help clear the Obama name while taking full responsibility for the matter upon themselves. Yet with the hound, no such conference will be possible. One senior advisor has encouraged the President to disavow the indebted pooch and send him to a D.C. dog pound. But 7-year-old daughter Sasha will never allow that.

“I don’t understand why all the grown-ups are upset about this,” the innocent Obama girl said while scratching the family dog’s ears. “I mean, I hear mommy and daddy talking all the time about helping out the stupid people who made dumb money decisions. Why can’t they help our dog, too?”

The matter remains unresolved, but there are rumors that the President met secretly with Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to work on a deal that would expunge the debt owed by the pup.

“I’m a bit fuzzy on the details,” a White House insider—who wished to have his identity withheld—told reporters, “but there was some talk about sacking Brad Anderson and the entire Marmaduke franchise, which makes sense because I’ve heard Geithner passionately voice his hate for the Great Dane. He’s been looking for a way to ban the comic for years, so with the First Dog being in this much trouble, Geithner now has the opportunity he needs. Plus, the move will help cure the pup’s addiction to the comic strip. I’d expect an executive order any day now that calls for the head of Marmaduke.”

More details on this story as it develops.

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