Monday, March 16, 2009

George Lucas to be grilled over “Space Junk”

After a bullet-sized piece of space debris came within a dangerously close 3 miles of the International Space Station, astronauts are bracing themselves again for an oncoming scrap that might could possibly collide with their vessel.

“It has us quite panicked,” spaceman Yury Lonchakov told reporters. “Although the tiny piece of debris won’t be within range for nearly 24 hours, maneuvering this craft requires the approval of a multi-lateral panel consisting of American and Russian scientists, politicians and bureaucrats, and you and I both know they won’t come to a decision within that time frame.”

Concerned for the safety of the cosmonauts, U.S. lawmakers have investigated where all this “space junk” is coming from and have determined that the majority of the metallic scraps floating in our immediate area of the universe came from the detonation of the first Death Star. As a result, Senator Barbara Boxman, Chairwoman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, has subpoenaed filmmaker George Lucas to a Senate hearing, where she plans to grill him on his questionable environmental practices during the cleanup phase of his hit movie Star Wars: A New Hope.

“Director George Lucas obviously was a bit careless when detonating the Death Star,” Senator Boxman said in a statement issued Monday. “Although the opening credits misleadingly tell us that the events depicted in the film took place ‘far, far away,’ the debris hammering our planet from the demolished Imperial behemoth is proof that things were happening closer than we thought.”

Lucas was aghast when he learned of the hearing, and tried to explain his side of the story to the media circus that had formed outside his Skywalker Ranch.

“Look, when we were filming A New Hope, Carter was president,” Lucas explained, “and we had all sorts of government oversight to ensure that our demolitions fell within regulated guidelines. We complied with all environmental parameters, so just because we know how to do better Death Star explosions now doesn’t mean I should be punished for doing the best I could back then.”

But Senator Boxman doesn’t buy it. “I’ve seen the movies,” she told CNN reporters. “The original Death Star explosion shows a really sloppy ka-boom, the kind that leaves a mess that nobody can clean up. And then in the re-make, the explosion looks efficient and thorough, as if everything was vaporized. My question to Lucas is: why the cover up?”

NASA officials aren’t really interested in whether or not Lucas is at fault for the large amounts of space junk afloat due to the Star Wars movies, but they do care to track other eventual fallout from other demolitions in the trilogy.

“It’s only a matter of time before we get hit by rocks from Alderaan, garbage from Star Destroyer dumps, and even more exploded material from the second Death Star,” NASA spokesperson Bruce Buckingham warned.

The subpoena has prohibited Lucas from creating any more movies until the hearing has been resolved, to which movie critics, film writers and average movie-goers cheered jubilantly.

“So this is how good science fiction dies,” Lucas commented on his way to Washington D.C. “With thunderous applause.”

1 comment:

  1. Personally, I think George Lucas should go on the attack here. I mean, if NASA didn't build such crappy, feeble spacecraft in the first place we wouldn't be having this discussion. Who ever heard of an X-wing fighter being brought down by a piece of floating shrapnel the size of a gum drop?!! I think NASA should be begging Lucas for advice on how to beef up their weakling spacestation.