Monday, March 30, 2009

GM to be bought out by East German auto manufacturer

After a long string of difficulties and embarrassments, departing General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner announced that the struggling auto company has no choice but to sell the Detroit-born firm to East German auto maker HQM Sachsenring. Despite hefty bailouts, management changes, and even belittling commercials starring ex-football star Howie Long, GM just wasn’t able to make themselves profitable enough to keep the business running, and it was only a matter of time before someone showed up with the right purchase price.

“I don’t know what more I can tell you about it,” a frustrated Rick Wagoner told media personnel. “We ran out of bailout money rather quickly by investing almost all of it into researching the profitability of adding wood paneling to the Silverado. That didn’t pan out like we hoped. So we’re broke, and HQM offered to buy the business, and get this mess off of our hands. And thank heavens they came when they did. I can’t handle Congress calling me names anymore.”

HQM Sachsenring (formerly VEB Sachsenring), is most famous for manufacturing the now iconic Trabant during the 60’s in communist East Germany. The car was largely considered a joke by western standards, although the vehicle has seen a surge in popularity in the last few years as Soviet-era symbols have become trendy for younger consumers who like to use capitalism to show their disdain for capitalism.

“This is a very exciting time for us,” said Volker Hess, spokesman for HQM Sachsenring. “The cult-like following our Trabant has gained along with poor economic conditions in Detroit has poised us for unprecedented success in the global market.”

Many critics are saying that the purchase by a foreign company is only delaying the inevitable, and that it will do nothing to help the Detroit industry to stay afloat.

“I wholeheartedly disagree with this sentiment,” Hess said in response to the criticisms. “We are the perfect company to lead Detroit out of this situation. First of all, we have decades of proven success operating under an autocratic regime. This makes us ideal for running GM under the Obama administration. And secondly, we are used to living in some of the ugliest industrialized cities on the planet. In many ways, Detroit’s ugliness parallels that of our former communist metropolises, so we’ll feel right at home in the motor city.”

The full takeover of GM’s assets is set to occur in June.

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