Monday, March 2, 2009

Keanu Reeves hired as colloquial interpreter for Defense Secretary Robert Gates

In a press conference on Monday, U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates described the nation of Pakistan as “most worrisome.” Aware of the reporters’ reaction to his odd choice of words to describe the nation that poses the biggest threat to the Afghanistan theater, Gates clarified his rather “hip” description.

“President Obama has asked that I be fully invested in his efforts to create more transparency,” the Defense secretary explained. “Apparently, John Q. Citizen is not versed in the quotidian vernacular of the world of defense. For whatever reason, when I announce that Pakistan’s newfangled activities have compelled us to elevate our threat level to ORANGE, it means nothing to the average Joe. Ergo, the President has forfended the subsequent use of my loquacious erudition in matters of defense reporting. As such, I have employed the vulgar craft of Keanu Reeves to assist in the interpretation of our view of international threats.”

Mr. Reeves has already done much to help “dumb-down” the confusing defense reports. In addition to proof-reading and editing Mr. Gates’ speeches, Reeves has also created a website with current information regarding our threat-assessment levels for sovereign nations.

“Robbie and I sat down last week and created a whole new way to describe the world abroad,” Reeves told reporters. “For example, Cuba used to be an ORANGE threat, but with Castro’s bad health, it went down to YELLOW. Still doesn’t mean anything to you and me, so we now describe Cuba as ‘most uninteresting.’”

Reeves revealed that in place of a color-system, the communication to regular citizens would be based on adjectives that can describe in a quick snapshot how Americans should treat and react to anyone from these different countries. When asked if he could disclose the whole list to us, Reeves paused and looked around.

“Um… Robbie didn’t really say, but I guess I could give you some of them.” After logging onto the site, Reeves read off a few of his favorites:

Pakistan: most worrisome
Cuba: most uninteresting
Afghanistan: most triumphant
Iraq: most un-triumphant
Zimbabwe: most WTF?!?
Somalia: most piratey
Russia: most aggravating
Korea: most un-intimidating
Iran: most anti-Semitic
Australia: most excellent
China: most bodacious

Most reporters were thrilled with the new assessment strategy for the lay citizen, yet one was very upset that China was given a “most bodacious” description, which seemed too positive for the very real threat that they pose to the U.S.

“Oh, believe me, Robbie and I fought over this one for an hour,” Reeves clarified. “But in the end, he couldn’t get past my sound argument in favor of the ‘most bodacious’ attribution. What was my argument? Simple: they know Kung-Fu. Friggin’ bodacious, if you ask me.”

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