Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Obama proposes new airline security measures


In a more or less secretive move this week, the Obama administration has denied commercial airline pilots the post-9-11 right to carry firearms with them during flights. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told a hand-selected group of reporters that the action was the result of the administration’s “Guns scare the hell out of me” policy, and that it was simply a matter of time before pilots were denied this provision.

“Well, let’s be 100% honest,” Press Secretary Gibbs told reporters, “none of us in the administration has ever handled a gun, much less ever owned one for personal protection, and that may be a contributing factor to our unfounded fear of firearms. But policy is policy, and we’re sticking to it.”

In anticipation of backlash from the public, President Obama has already created a new measure for ensuring the safety of domestic airline passengers: Samuel L. Jackson will accompany every flight in the U.S.

“We came to the conclusion that Jackson would be perfect after the President, myself and Defense Secretary Robert Gates watched the movie Snakes on a Plane while on Air Force One,” Gibbs explained. “It was like a revelation to all of us. After we saw what Jackson was capable of on a commercial liner, we all looked at each other with that ‘are-you-thinking-what-I’m-thinking?’ look.”

The actor was thrilled to hear of the news, and although he admitted he would miss acting, he felt a surge of patriotic duty and could not refuse the job. “I’d do anything for Barry,” Jackson told reporters outside of his Hollywood residence. “I’m so proud to have him as my president, and if he needs my help to keep the people safe, you’d better believe I’ll be there without any questions asked.”

Jackson’s presence on airplanes alone is expected to completely nullify all threats of violence and terrorism on domestic flights. The President did feel that an isolated incident might arise every few years, but said that anyone who was foolish enough to go toe-to-toe with Jackson would quickly become a statistic proving the effectiveness of the new measure.

“There will be one major shortfall, however,” Gibbs said. “As there is only one Samuel Jackson, we will have to reduce the number of flights to as many as Jackson can fit into a single day. Now, before you get all angry, please know that we are also trying to get Matt Damon of the Bourne Identity series, Bruce Willis from Die Hard, and Liam Neeson from Taken to also become airline security personnel. This will enable us to have… four times as many flights.”

Shelli Van der Berg, a business woman who travels nearly every other week for her job, was disappointed about the cut-back in flights, but was relieved to learn of an airline security measure that will actually work. “I was an advocate of airline pilots carrying firearms, but knowing that Samuel L. Jackson is on the plane with us makes me feel so much safer.”

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