Friday, March 27, 2009

Secretary Geithner Proposes Giant Tire-Fire as Financial Oversight

The Obama administration proposed today a new set of policies to reel in control of the US’s financial sector. The head of the newly proposed initiatives is Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, who suggests the rules of the game must totally be revamped in order to both get the economy back on track and prevent a similar melt down in the future. Some of Geithner’s proposals have thrown up serious red flags in Republican camps while other proposals have simply been too radical for either side of Congress to sort out.

One of Geithner’s proposals would establish a permanent tire-fire on Wall Street. The proposed fire would serve to eliminate speculation on Wall Street and foster a “trade only when necessary” attitude among brokers. While Geithner has squabbled with his staff about the number of tires required to achieve the desired result, the principal seems to be a staple of the new reforms.

“Well I know it would change my trading habits, for sure," said Alex Petrovic, a broker who works in the New York Stock Exchange. “I used to speculate and get all sorts of good people into trouble. But with a tire-fire in the streets, I would not get anywhere near Wall Street unless I had a sure fire trade to make.”

April Haddock, a senior member on Geithner’s staff, also explained that many of the district’s brokers would inevitably need days off to recuperate from major respiratory complications and others would simply just die.

“This administration is no longer going to allow ‘business-as-usual’ to destroy our financial institutions,” said Haddock. “These new initiatives should at best be able to achieve the same result, but at least we can say we are doing something differently.”

The area’s Chamber of Commerce is not warming up to the idea of a constant tire-fire driving tourists and their money to other parts of New York, but it thinks that their creative minds should be able to offset the downside.

“I think the chance to throw a fresh tire onto the Great Wall Street Tire-Fire has tremendous potential as an area attraction,” says Jason Soledad, area CoC member. “And, you know, maybe one day people will associate New York City with the Statue of Liberty, the Yankees, and one gigantic tire-fire.”

Though it has not yet been confirmed, speculation is rampant about Geithner’s attempts to require toxic banks like WaMu, Fannie Mae, and others, to operate sulfur mines on bank premises.


  1. I am pretty sure that Geithner had some long conversations with Mayor Quimby about how to make a tire fire as successful as the famous Springfield tire fire. With both Quimby and Geithner on the case ther is no way this plan can fail.

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