Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Ted Kennedy to be knighted by Queen of England; Senator Orrin Hatch expected to write commemoration hymn

During his visit to the United States this week, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that Senator Ted Kennedy would be receiving an honorary knighthood from the British Crown for his years of knight-worthy service in the United States. Despite the bestowal being wholly unconstitutional under Article I, Section 9 of the U.S. Constitution, Kennedy is expected to accept this prestigious award without any anticipated objection from ranking D.C. officials.

Kennedy was ecstatic about the news, and appeared to be celebrating with a bottle of 27-year-old Scotch.

“Oh, actually, I’ve been working on this bottle for a few days now,” the venerable Senator told reporters, “but now that I actually have something to drink to, I think I may break out another two bottles.”

Among the members of Congress joining in the jubilation was Utah Senator Orrin Hatch, a longtime friend of the Massachusetts legislator and one who has written a number of songs and hymns in honor of Kennedy. Senator Hatch informed other reporters that he began composing a tune in his to commemorate the event as soon as Prime Minister Brown had finished his speech.

“Can I tell you that I just love that man,” an exuberant Hatch said. “I love him, I love him, I love him! And it is such a joy to be able to relish this moment with him in person. I now have the honor… no, no I have the DUTY to compose a musical memorial for him. I’ve actually got a few lines already—keep in mind, this is just a rough draft of sorts, but it’s a start. It goes to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of this portly Kennedy
As he trampled on the mem’ries of that chick named Kopechne
He hath loosed his pants from getting fat off tax-paid salaries
This windbag marches on…

“Of course,” Hatch continued, “the real version will be much kinder to the Senator and his illustrious career, but it’s hard to get all those good memories to rhyme on such short notice. I’ll keep working on it.”

Some D.C. Outsiders are a bit disturbed by the knighthood being given to Kennedy, but were pacified when officials from Westminster Abbey announced that Elijah Wood was to be knighted next month in honor of his diligent victory over Mordor.

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