Monday, April 27, 2009

2009 NFL Draft chock full of shocking, irrelevant picks

The 2009 NFL Draft concluded its 7-round fiesta Sunday evening with what might be described as the goofiest selection event in the game’s history. Although some picks were easily expected—such as Detroit shamelessly ruining the career of young star quarterback Matthew Stafford before his rookie year has even begun—others were nothing short of absurd. Below are the stories on the more “off-the-wall” picks of Selection Sunday:

Browns select Nickelodeon’s Alex Mack at number 21

The Cleveland Browns began the day’s absurdity by drafting the long-retired Alex Mack from Nickelodeon studios. Actress Larissa Oleynik, who played Mack, got the call at while shopping for new summer shoes at Dillards.

“I was bit surprised, but it’s been about a decade since I played the role of Alex Mack, so I decided to take it,” Oleynik told ESPN this morning. “I wonder how the Browns plan to utilize my acting skills.”

After taking heat for this pick, Erik Mangini said he simply wanted “someone who could shine on and off the field—just like Alex Mack would shine from the industrial accident on TV.”

Brady Quinn refused to comment on the subject and simply shook his head.

Bill Belichick drafts German to keep “lazy Polish guy” in check
The Patriots selected a future all-star in the second round with Sebastian Vollmer, a German native who plays football as if he were raised in Texas. The lineman’s skills were good enough to get him a scholarship to Houston straight out of his German hometown of Kaarst, and certainly to get him into the NFL, but that’s not why he was selected.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Patriots head coach Bill Belichick told reporters, “We like his skill. But basically, it’s the big-bad-German thing that we needed the most. That Polish guy we’ve got at right tackle, Nick Kaczur, has been a major slacker lately. He needs to feel the threat of a German being his neighbor at all times. That ought to get him going.”

Kaczur tried to call Belichick regarding the offensive race-based comments, but the head coach was too busy cutting the sleeves off of several hoodies to take the call.

Titans scramble, blurt out made-up college name—and get a legit 7th round pick
With the clock winding down and no teams willing to trade, the Tennessee Titans panicked and threw out what they thought at the time to be a made-up selection. C.O. Brocato, the teams recruiting director, shouted “Uh… We’ll take that senior Free Safety from North Dakota State” to NFL officials, who quickly confirmed the selection.

“In all seriousness, that was the first university that came to mind,” Brocato said. “I didn’t even know North Dakota had a university at all! It was just dumb luck that it existed!”

Nick Schommer
, the player mistakenly drafted by the Titans, wasn’t offended by the gaffe.

“Are you kidding me? I’m absolutely thrilled to have this chance,” Schommer told reporters while partying at his parents’ house. “I was going to start some dead-end IT job in Fargo this Summer. Now I’m in the NFL!”

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