Friday, April 3, 2009

Abject Failure of Capitalism Traced to Invention of ‘Squeeze Bacon’

Anti-capitalist protesters outside the G-20 in London this week fought with police in the streets as they used loudspeakers to discredit capitalist world leaders and economies across the globe. The rally takes place in the face of global leaders who for many years have been pulling at the threads of capitalism and undermining the economic systems of the industrial revolution and the most prosperous nations on the globe.

The current downturn of the world’s economy comes at a time when many across the globe think that capitalism is broken and should be replaced with more rigid socio-economic programs in order to right the ship. The current ill-will of the world’s attitude towards capitalism seems to coincide with the invention of “Squeeze Bacon.” Though the product its self has been around since around WWII, its recent global march has caused panic, amazement, and sheer terror across the world’s capitalist populations.

Protester, Mary Abbot, said that she was raised on the benefits of the capitalistic system but has since left the fold.

“I saw an advert for Squeeze Bacon about six months ago,” says Abbot, “and in that instant I gave up both capitalism and meat. By their fruits shall ye know them. Any economic system that develops squeezable bacon is clearly in tatters. How could it have come to this?”

Bertrand Duluth is also an anti-capitalist protester taking part in the week’s activities. Duluth says that about 85% of those at the rally can pinpoint their falling out with capitalism to Squeeze Bacon.

“I don’t really like to talk about it,” says Duluth. “It puts me in a very uncomfortable place. I am here to spare future generations the despicable horror of the fruits of capitalism. I mean, come on.”

While many here have their own testimonials about their confrontations with Squeeze Bacon, others say they abandoned capitalism long ago.

Terry Patrick, of Atlanta, says he lost his appetite for capitalism when the Noid starred in his own video game back in the 90’s.

“Once commercials become video games you know you have to get out,” says Patrick. "It’s the same with 7-Up’s Spot. He had one too. You only need to open a ‘Sky Mall’ magazine to understand the ridiculousness of capitalism. Can we please move on now?”

The Squeeze Bacon camp has not been able to find a suitable defense spokesman as all who apply for the position are extremely fat and hideous.

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