Tuesday, April 14, 2009

China releases Human Rights plan for 2009-2010


The Chinese Government announced today that it had come to a resolution for its Human Rights agenda for the next two years. Officials in Beijing had been deliberating for months on the extent of rights, dignities and basic liberties it would grant its citizenry, and although many felt that a conclusion would never be reached, it appears that a compromise has been worked out.

“Pressure from outside organizations forced us to spend more time than normal going over our Human Rights agenda,” said Li Fong, a spokesman for the People’s Republic. “Honestly, it’s amazing how much power Amnesty International has over the UN, and even more amazing how much we heed the UN’s psychobabble. But our plan for the next two years should satisfy most and let us go about our way.”

Details of the plan include a 25% reduction in executions (with a provision that this number encompass executions involving non-criminal/surplus citizens). This represents a major victory for Human Rights groups who have been pushing the brutal nation to rid itself of capital punishment for quite some time.

“This is a wonderful victory, to be sure,” said Don Ngyuen, a representative of Amnesty International’s Asian wing. “We hope that in the next five years, we can guarantee the lives of all Chinese criminals—the murderers, the rapists, and especially the trade ministers exporting lead toys to the West.”

The victory for AI was, however, bittersweet, as measures had also been outlined in the agenda to increase the amount of torture victims by 30%. Furthermore, U2’s new CD was banned from all Chinese markets to suppress pop-democracy among the youth, and police were given authority to arrest and indefinitely imprison any citizen referencing the “grass-mud horse.”

“The affront to Bono is the biggest offense here,” said Ngyuen, “but we’ve got a counter-attack. I just got off the phone with Billy Joe from Green Day, and he said he’d start right away on an original and slanderous song against the Chinese government and we… wait… wait, I’m getting a text from Billy. Oh, wow. He’s done composing it. Hm.”

Other notable provisions that reflect a more tolerant stance towards human life include the overhaul of traditional Chinese restaurants to reflect the more palatable, non-disease-ridden Chinese buffets in America and the prohibition of recruiting female Olympic gymnasts within one hour of their delivery.

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