Friday, April 24, 2009

Humane Society calls for substance abuse testing on Polo Horses

In the aftermath of the tragic deaths of 21 horses bred for the sport of polo, the Humane Society is calling for mandatory drug screenings on all involved horses before competition. The deceased horses had reportedly gotten hammered the night before the match on last Sunday and had tried to curb the effects of a terrible hangover with some speed they had purchased from local donkey. Drug testing, it has been claimed, would have prevented this horrific event from taking place.

“Horses, by nature, are drug abusers,” Humane Society spokesperson Jillian Langley said yesterday. “Really, if you knew that all the future held for you was to be turned into dog food or bottled up into Elmer’s, you’d be more prone to do some dope as well. If these horses know we’re going to test, they’ll be less likely to abuse.”

But not everyone is on board with this measure. Many from the Polo community think it’s absolutely absurd to test horses for using banned substances—especially the horses themselves.

“Well if this just isn’t the last straw,” said Jingles, a two-year-old purebred from Miami. “Our privacy rights were already razor thin, and now they want to watch me pee in a cup? It’s bad enough that our jockeys kick us when we’re using the bathroom as it is!”

A large number of Polo horses felt it should be left up to them whether or not they want to smoke some weed or shoot up on the weekends, and that it would be unfair to deny them this one stress reliever in what is indeed a very stressful sport.

“I warned the other pony-boys that this would happen,” exclaimed Liberty, a veteran horse from Texas. “I told them to vote for Ron Paul. And they said I was crazy. Well, who’s crazy now, huh?”

The Humane Society is likely to get this measure passed into law, as Congress has been known to listen to animal right’s activists whenever they so much as pass gas.

“We have to think about the lives of these animals,” said Nancy Pelosi in a press conference this afternoon. “It’s not right that we sit idly by and do nothing while the poor animals suffer.”

Sports analysts across the nation are wondering why the issue with drug-using horses is coming to the forefront of the Legislative Branch while Barry Bonds has failed to be put behind bars.

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