Thursday, April 9, 2009

IOC catches city of Chicago using banned substance

In the midst of its vetting process to determine the host city for the 2016 Summer Games, the International Olympic Committee announced Wednesday that it has caught one of the leading contenders, the U.S. city of Chicago, using a banned substance. The incident will likely preclude the Windy City from being selected, leaving only three finalists left: Tokyo, Madrid and Rio de Janeiro.

IOC officials were conducting routine inspections of the metropolis when it was discovered that Chicago was not only in possession of unnatural growth-assisting agents, but was proactively using said agents. Immediate action was taken and the city was placed on a probationary status and will remain so until a full investigation can be undertaken.

“This is disappointing for all of us,” IOC President Jacques Rogge told the press, “especially since President Obama had sent me several emails via his Blackberry assuring me of Chicago’s integrity. I should have known better, considering the scum he vouched for in his cabinet.”

Rogge explained that banned growth substance in question was not a drug, but rather a chunk of U.S. federal stimulus money which had been personally earmarked by Illinois congressional members—under encouragement from President Obama—to beef up Chicago’s economy. Many are questioning the validity of economic provisions falling under the IOC’s “banned substances” category, but Rogge remained adamant it qualifies.

“The whole idea of banning growth-agents is that it gives athletes an unfair, unnatural advantage in competition,” Rogge said. “In this case, the city of Chicago received monies in order to bulk it up in competition to other municipalities. These funds were not naturally generated in Chicago, and are therefore considered outside substances. This is clearly a form of steroids.”

White House staff said that the president was extremely frustrated with this ruling, but is trying to stay positive and find ways to fight the IOC. He is planning on recording a new YouTube video to send to Jacques Rogge et al, this time with the help of Hollywood insider turned political staff member Kal Penn.

No comments:

Post a Comment