Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Jack Bauer to interrogate, torture Apennine fault lines

The tragic loss of life caused by the horrific earthquake that rattled central Italy on Monday has many asking, “Why?” Geologists and seismologists have been trying to answer this question for decades, and although they have made huge strides in understanding earthquakes and the behavior of fault lines, they have yet to discover any way to predict when seismic activity of such a destructive degree will occur. But after the devastation at L’Aquila, scientists and politicians were motivated to revamp their approach.

“We cannot allow such unpredictability to keep our citizens living in fear,” seismologist Giorgio Carrone announced at a press conference in Rome. “Therefore, we will be making a break from traditional scientific avenues and instead enlist the talents of Jack Bauer, the rogue American agent known for getting results.”

The Italian government has agreed to turn a blind eye to the methods that Jack Bauer will undoubtedly employ while “conversing” with the aggressive fault lines. Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said that he had always been against torture and had never seen any need to break from Geneva Convention protocol when dealing with a belligerent enemy, but he admitted that there also comes a time when rules must be broken.

“We need decisive action,” Berlusconi said. “I have seen how Bauer works. His techniques are atrocious—but they get the job done. A few years back, when Bush was still in office, he gave me seasons 1-6 of 24, and although I thought it was a terrible gift at first, I got hooked after I chose to watch season 1 instead of listening to a message from the Vatican. Bauer was amazing. And although I didn’t approve of how he treated his prisoners, I always felt that I might be able to call upon his services if Italy was ever in a pickle.”

Italy has empowered Bauer to do whatever it takes to extract information about future earthquakes in the region. It is hoped that the ex-CTU agent will be able to provide scientists with the exact dates for the next 25-50 years’ worth of seismic activity.

The government’s move has not come without resistance, however. Members from Italy’s chapter of Amnesty International have rallied to defend the rights of the Apennine faults, saying that both UN security and lawyers must be present during any interrogation procedures.

“We cannot allow this lawless torture to fall upon the Apennines,” said protester Vincente Domingo. “Not only is this an affront to acceptable human interaction with nature, it is likely to give us both faulty or inaccurate information as well as enrage the already irate fault lines and cause further destruction.”

It has been reported that Bauer is already making his way to the fault lines in his own manner, having knocked out customs agents at the Leonardo da Vinci - Fiumicino Airport and making his way on foot to the Apennine mountains.

“I had just stopped him for a routine customs check,” a wobbly customs agent told reporters. “And then he yelled, ‘Dammit, there’s no time!’ and karate chopped me in the neck.”

Bauer is expected to remain underground for the next hour or so until getting himself stuck and calling Chloe O’Brien for assistance.

No comments:

Post a Comment