Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Obama Signs Up For Night Classes at Gerogetown Unversity

Frustrated and perplexed by the enormous learning curve he has faced during his first 100 days as President, Obama signed up for night school at Georgetown to increase his knowledge base. The President is taking mostly economic classes as he tries to figure out what in the world is going on in the universe around him.

President Obama has so far had a tremendous amount of fun drawing supply and demand curves in Econ 101 and determining how much utility can really be derived by multiple slices of pizza. With the first test of the semester coming up in two weeks the president has been hard at work learning and defining textbook terms.

“I have the terms ‘Monetary’ and ‘Fiscal Policy’ highlighted with bright yellow highlighter in my book,” said an excited Head of State. “I can rattle off the definitions for you verbatim but I still don’t have any idea what practical applications they really have on a national economy.”
Earlier in the week the president touted his $3.5 trillion budget as the means whereby the nation will emerge from the ashes of a decimated economy and create a sustainable foundation for a new and robust economy in the future. However, the president confided to his aids that the above-mentioned rhetoric does not seem to jive with the basic economic principals he is learning in his Econ 101 class.

“Well, we just started really and we still have a lot to learn,” says Obama. “I bet there is a chapter towards the back entitled ‘How to overtax and handcuff private business but still have that great economy you promised everybody.’ That will be an exciting chapter.”

While many simple minded Americans are struggling with the idea of how making things more difficult for the private sector through higher taxes, more red tape and oversight, will somehow translate into a viable and dependable economy, the Obama administration assures them that they are much smarter than they are.

“I’m sick of markets controlling the economy!” says an upset Vice President Biden. “I’d stab Adam Smith’s invisible hand if I could find out where the hell it is! No, no. You want a nice, round, obese government to drive the whole thing.”

According to the Obama camp’s logic, private business is too unstable to perpetuate a healthy economy. Instead the government must do it. First you grow the government by setting a $3.5 trillion budget. Next you slowly raise taxes on everything that can possibly be taxed. Now the private sector can barely operate and individuals have no discretionary income because it is all going to the government. Your government is now the only thing that can move anything in the economy because private business and individuals, along with their petty and unstable whims, have been neutralized.

“And when businesses are no longer motivated by the impossible prospect of making any money America will grow stale and China will be poised to crush us all!” exclaimed Speaker of the House Pelosi. “It is our solemn responsibility to destroy anything we have that is of any worth compared to someone else. I am sure China will return the favor.”

“Yeah, none of this stuff even remotely gels with basic economic principals,” said the president. “But nothing I learned my first few weeks in Country Line Dancing made any sense either.”

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