Thursday, April 2, 2009

President Obama Spouts Heavy Southpaw Rhetoric at G-20 Summit

The much anticipated G-20 summit got off to an unexpected start as President Obama began to push an unanticipated agenda among world leaders. The dire situation of the global economy, the current concerns over global warming, and developing worries about nuclear proliferation all took a back seat to the President’s heavy handed, almost militant, approach to absolving the problems facing the worlds left-handers.

Obama kept his early appointments with Russian and Chinese officials but immediately ruffled feathers when he refused to shake the right hands of foreign dignitaries and instead waited until he was offered the left hand. Chinese President, Hu Jintao’s, brow was clearly furled during the handshake causing a flurry of camera flashes to light up the hallways of Buckingham palace.

President Obama’s staff issued a short memo to the Russian and Chinese delegations before their scheduled meetings which read: “A new world order is at hand (the left hand to be exact). The previous stifling oppression of the ‘righties’ will now come to naught as I and I alone lead this world to a left-handed conquest. I expect the full cooperation of your heads of state as we begin this summit.”

Russian President, Dmitry Medvedev, kept trying to turn the conversation away from President Obama’s incessant left-handed tirade once the parties finally sat down for discussions, but to little avail. This became most apparent when the Russian President brought up the subject of Georgia:

“So, what about Georgia then?” asked Medvedev. “We did some crazy stuff down in Georgia a few months back, no?”

“We are currently supplying Georgia with a left-handed arsenal," replied Obama, “You will be defeated within weeks.”

“Okay… well, do you have any thoughts about, like, nuclear weapons limitations or something?” asked Medvedev.

To which Obama responded, “Yeah, here is a thought. We make all our nukes with the left hand now and they are superior to your right-handed, fire cracker nukes in every way.”

At this point Medvedev turned to his secretary and whispered in Russian, “Let’s get as much of our best vodka into this man as soon as possible.”

Wind of the new direction the US President is trying to lead the world reached German Chancellor, Angel Merkel, before her scheduled sit-down with the President. Merkel is prepared to hammer out her undisguised right-handed agenda with Obama and says she will not take any guff from the newly elected leader even if it means dragging Michelle Obama (who is clearly right-handed) into the fray.

“Yeah, the President requested only left-handed notepads be available at our meeting,” said a clearly agitated Merkel. “Well this is Germany you’re dealing with my friends! We wrote the book on non-sensical political profiling. He and his left-handed economic stimulus will dart out of here with his tail between his legs, you’ll see.”

No word yet on whether pro-left hand protests in London were assembled upon the President’s request.

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