Monday, April 6, 2009

Queen receives counseling after being “touched” by First Lady

Queen Elizabeth II is receiving psychiatric help after becoming a victim of what experts are calling “monarchial molestation.” The horrific incident occurred last week when the wife of the American President, Michelle Obama, unwittingly touched the small of the Queen’s back. Although the Queen did not seem to react initially to the violation of personal space, the psychological effects of being touched by “peasant hands” caused her to have a series of problems only days later.

Servants at Buckingham Palace found the Queen early Saturday morning on her bed, but things were noticeably different than normal. She was naked, curled up in the fetal position and there were distinct open sores on her back. On the floor were several bloodstained washcloths and the remains of about twenty bars of British-made Bronnley soap. One servant said he unmistakably heard the monarch murmuring, “Dirty… so dirty…”

“It was a horrific site,” said Beatrice Mosley, head of the Queen’s personal staff. “Many of us feared that she was on the brink of death.”

Staffers immediately called Scotland Yard and the Department of Health. Dr. Geoffrey Bates, a top mental health expert at the DH, was the first to arrive, and knew right away what had befallen the traumatized Queen.

“I had seen these symptoms before, albeit not to this degree,” Dr. Bates told the press. “This is monarchial molestation, or the act of non-royal blood touching royalty without solicitation. Frankly, I am furious that Buckingham officials did not call me at the moment the incident occurred. We could have prevented the Queen’s current condition had we known.”

Having been removed from the constitutional monarchy for nearly 240 years, many American citizens fail to remember that British Royalty see themselves as pure, divinely appointed figures. As such, it is emotionally and mentally disturbing for anyone from the vulgar masses to lay a finger on them. In British history, royal figures have gone to extremes such as dismemberment, bathing in acid and drinking unfiltered water from the Thames to rid themselves of the perceived filth with which they have been infected.

Video from the Obama’s visit to Buckingham show that Queen Elizabeth and Michelle Obama were enjoying a pleasant conversation, during the course of which the royal mother placed her hand on Mrs. Obama’s back. The near-fatal move happened as Mrs. Obama, following a natural reaction, returned the gesture and touched the Queen.

“I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to touch her,” Michelle Obama said through tears. “I feel terrible for putting her through this episode. I only wanted to show my affection.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown says he has enacted a plan to have the Queen appear in an upcoming Hollywood production. This would turn the Queen into a silver screen celebrity, a class of people that the “average American venerates and respects above all others,” according to Brown, thus affording the monarch protection from Yankee contact.

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