Monday, April 13, 2009

Report: VP Biden Greatest Thing Since Thing After Sliced Bread

The American Sliced Bread Organization released a report today stating that Vice President Joe Biden is now third on the chart of things that are great. The ASBO is a philanthropist funded non-profit organization which has been cataloging things in order of greatness using sliced bread as its ultimate benchmark. The ASBO broke tradition by releasing a report in April; the organization usually only releases its report once a year in September. Today’s news of Biden’s meteoric rise up the charts seemed too important to sit on for another five months.

“Well, there is just no questioning it,” says Peter Lithgow, chairman of ASBO. “Every blessed feat the man has achieved puts him right up towards the top.”

Biden’s rise comes on the heals of unverified reports that the former Senator told former President Bush where to stick it while in a private meeting in the Oval Office. While none of Bush’s aids or staff even slightly remember any sort of said conversation taking places, the feat is nonetheless amazing. Other questionable achievements of the current VP include: multiple private meetings with President Bush, being shot at while in Iraq, and having his helicopter forced down by terrorists (weather) over the mountains in Afghanistan.

Even though the VP’s claims are either extravagant hyperbole or unverified claims, the ASBO has no qualms about setting him so high on the list.

“Fist on the list is sliced bread, of course,” says Lithgow. “Then you got the nacho cheese dispenser. The newcomer Joe Biden comes in third, and fourth is Pok√©mon.”

Biden leap-frogged other notables on the list such as ‘Mike Tyson’s Punchout’ and the safety pin. Many outside of the organization feel like the ASBO has taken too much for granted by placing Biden so high on the list.

“Really, you are going to tell me that Biden is greater than the self-heating ice cream scoop?” says Wisconsin resident, Archie Severson. “I mean the thing heats up all by its lonesome.”

Biden held a short press- conference after the report was released in order to add more self-aggrandizing events to his repertoire.

“Yeah I’m pretty great, as you can see,” the VP began. “Dude, I remember this one summer we grew tomatoes and Delaware hosted the state fair at my place because my tomatoes were so great. Also once I kicked Paul Bunyan right in his nuts and then challenged his ox to a grass eating contest. HA! I ate Babe under the table in about 48 hours.”

When asked how long it would take for Biden to claim the number one spot on the list the VP said, “Well, you have to give props where it is due. When I invented the nacho cheese dispenser I knew it would also be great and I don’t mind taking a back seat to it.”

President Obama twittered in response to the ASBO report that “Biden is the greatest idiot VP since the last idiot VP in office, hands down.”

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