Friday, April 10, 2009

Student publication incurs wrath of God, College Republicans

The LDS church and Brigham Young University are working hard to do some damage control on an innocent—yet horribly blasphemous—mistake that was printed in a recent edition of the Daily Universe, BYU’s student-run news publication. A copyeditor for the newspaper accidentally referred the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (one of the highest governing bodies of the church) as the Quorum of the Twelve Apostates.

Molly Mooreman (name changed in accordance with Utah Witness Protection Program guidelines), the student who made the gaffe, told reporters that she first tried to blame the error on hackers from the University of Utah. “They’re so ungodly anyway,” Mooreman said, “and I thought it would be an easy sell. But then I remembered the Honor Code and I confessed. It was such a terrible goof on my part.”

Although BYU was able to recover most of the printed copies, it was impossible to contain the mess and word spread like wildfire that the Lord’s University had flagrantly accused the Twelve of renouncing their faith. Chairman of BYU’s Communications Department, Brad Rawlins, said that new measures were being taken to ensure that mistakes like this will never happen again.

“Quite frankly, I’m amazed that this happened in the first place,” Rawlins said. “I mean, the Daily Universe has more oversight than China’s government-run media, and we censor just as much material as they do on a daily basis. So, the first thing we’re doing is replacing the words ‘Twelve Apostles’ with ‘Lord’s Anointed.’ At worst, the only spelling error we’ll get here is ‘Lord’s Annotated.’ Plus, we’ll be borrowing 50% of our text from other Church publications that have already printed, like Ensign and Friend.”

BYU spokesperson Carri Jenkins said that although the mistake was met with laughter and understanding from the highest authorities in the Church, punishments would still be handed out to prevent a repetition in the future.

“I don’t have the exact details,” Jenkins told the press, “but it looks like President Monson will be relegating Brad Rawlins to an eternal calling in the Nursery, and may have to be ward chorister as well.”

BYU’s College Republicans are also making themselves heard, asking for stronger punishments against the “liberal media.”

“We’ve known for quite some time that the Daily Universe was part of the evil liberal media cartel,” said Nephi Osmond, an active member of the BYUCR. “And this slander against our most holy leaders is proof. It’s just like Ann Coulter warned us: the Daily Universe and all its liberal editors are just plain godless.”

Osmond did admit, however, that the publication's gross error was doing good things for the free market economy, as rogue copies of the misprint are being sold for hundreds on eBay.

Fears that this mistake would lead to the demise of the newspaper in an already suffering print media industry were quickly assuaged when it was discovered that the error made the Daily Universe a nationally recognized publication for the first time since… ever.


  1. Priceless! Wish I had a copy to sell on ebay...

  2. I have to stop reading this blog at work, I laugh too hard and get funny looks from neighboring cube inhabitants.