Thursday, April 23, 2009

Susan Boyle to become sixth member of “Pussycat Dolls”

YouTube sensation Susan Boyle—who wowed a shallow and superficial British audience with her stellar rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream”—has concluded talks with pop-burlesque music group The Pussycat Dolls and agreed to become its sixth member. Rumors that the two had been talking had been disregarded as a cruel joke, but Interscope Records spokesperson Wayne Hunter confirmed that the deal had indeed been made.

“Look, let me address the matter directly,” Hunter told reporters this morning. “The Pussycat Dolls have been struggling a bit, and their manager decided to add someone to the troupe who could actually carry a tune. I mean, sex sells, but as we’ve discovered with the scantily-clad quintet, it only sells so much. Eventually, people want to hear music from a music group.”

Boyle has already begun practicing the PCD song lineup, and admits that she feels a touch embarrassed by the lyrical content and suggestive nature of the group’s music, but is getting used to it.

“Honestly, I had sung ‘Buttons’ about six times through before it occurred to me just what ‘loosen up my buttons’ actually meant,” Boyle said. “Oh, how it made me blush! I’ve never been kissed even!”

Some critics have voiced their vehement disapproval of Boyle’s recruitment, saying that the stark contrast between the Englishwoman’s features and those of the other five PCD members is nothing short of a cruel joke.

“It’s no joke,” Hunter reassured the press. “Boyle is beautiful—as much so as any of the other girls in the troupe. Yes, it’s true that we’ve been under considerable pressure from feminist terrori—uh—lobbyist groups as well as those freaks at the Dove Soap campaign to show that big women are attractive, but that’s not why we hired Boyle. The girls needed a singer. Boyle can sing. Get over it.”

Although a fan of Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell described the addition of Boyle to The Pussycat Dolls as “utterly boring.”

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