Thursday, April 16, 2009

Tom Hanks Grows Third Arm for Upcoming Film

Tom Hanks’ publicist verified today what the paparazzi have been hinting at for weeks: The actor has grown a third arm. Speculation has been rampant since TMZ posted a blurry picture of the academy-award-winning actor with one arm around his wife, another arm holding bottled water, and a seeming third arm dialing a cell phone. Since then the actor has kept himself out of sight allowing rumors to swirl and swim until publicist Michelle Benson confirmed the news.

The report was announced on Tom’s official website by Benson and read: “Mr. Hanks has accepted a role in the upcoming film, ‘The Three-Armed Fool on the Hill,’ where he will play an idiot three-armed Congressman from Tennessee. In order to properly represent the part, Mr. Hanks is growing a third arm. Mr. Hanks asks that his dedication to his craft be respected and that recent intrusions into his private life be mitigated.”

Celebrity gossip outlet, US Weekly, has placed a $13 million prize on the first photo to clearly capture Hanks with all three of his upper extremities, and no less than 80 photographers are camping out around the actor’s home.

“This explains the sudden wardrobe consisting of nothing but trench coats,” says entertainment columnist Betty Tucker. “I think the last nine or ten times we have seen him, he has been dressed that way.”

Celebrity gossip photographers also concluded that the upswing in visits from Hanks’ personal trainer must be in order to get his newly acquired arm looking fit and trim for the cameras.

“I am sure growing a third arm is no easy business, even for an actor of Tom’s caliber,” explains gossip journalist, Amber Montevedev. “I bet it is as mentally strenuous as it is physically.”

Persons close to the actor are indicating that Hanks’ is still sore over losing the Oscar for his role in ‘Castaway.’ Co-star, Helen Hunt, said, “Tom really put himself through hell to gain and then lose all that weight for the movie. Nobody could have given more to their role that year than Tom did, and it is unconscionable for the Academy to have given the award to Crowe that year.”

Actress Meg Ryan, who has appeared with Hanks in several films, thinks that the actor needed a role that would be a shoe-in for him.

“Tom wants to act a gig where he knows he’s got the Oscar before he even appears on set,” said Ryan. “It looks like he may have found it and I’ll be so proud of him when he is holding his third Oscar in that third hand.”

Others fear that Hanks may be setting a terrible precedent for the industry.

“Please, for heaven’s sake just use what your mother gave you,” says housewife, Miriam Owens. “You don’t see others out there without their real bodies. You don’t see people with fake noses, breasts, hair, lips, and…and, well. No, I guess a third-arm is the next logical step in the progression, huh? Man! When will they hurry up and get me a picture of this?!”

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