Sunday, May 17, 2009

Celebrity edition of Hell’s Kitchen canceled after one episode following spontaneous creation of Black Hole

Fans of the controversial Fox reality show, Hell’s Kitchen, are dealing with heartache tonight. Producers of the cooking-based contest, in which graduates of the Job Corps tolerate a verbal accosting by foul-mouthed British chef Gordon Ramsey in hopes of winning their own restaurant, had promised a celebrity version in which hot-headed stars with rampant tempers would compete for their favored charity. Sadly, the show had to be canceled after one recording session, as heated tempers amongst the contestants exploded, forming a new black hole in downtown Los Angeles.

Executive Producer Arthur Smith said that he had envisioned a wonderfully hostile show featuring some of the nation’s most notorious tantrum throwers. Inviting the likes of Christian Bale, Senator John McCain, the Gallagher Brothers from the pop-rock band Oasis and Chicago Cubs Manager Lou Panella, Smith had hoped for an expletive-ridden environment that Americans just wouldn’t be able to turn off.

“The idea looked really good on paper,” Smith said in the aftermath of the show. “And everyone was on board with it from the beginning. But within 10 minutes of filming the first kitchen scene, Chef Ramsey had blocked a camera shot of Christian Bale. A shouting match ensued… and it got really ugly, really fast.”

Eyewitness say that after Bale and Ramsey had sworn at each other for 13 minutes, Senator McCain threw himself into the fray, using choice words to voice his disapproval of their opposition to his immigration bill. Panella quickly came to the aid of Bale, and when Ramsey tried to eject him from the kitchen, the venerated manager found some sand and kicked it all over the Hell’s Kitchen welcome mat, effectively covering the mat and its logo entirely.

“The Gallagher brothers, however,” Smith explained, “refrained from joining the main fight and just beat each other senseless with pots and rolling pins.”

After tempers had raged for nearly two hours, the lights in the restaurant curiously began to wane, and energy seemed to be drawn towards the central point of the conflict. Physicist Stephen Hawking, a longtime fan of the show who was on sight per invitation by Ramsey, knew immediately what was happening.

“The enormous amounts of negative energy spewing forth from the group was countering the energy of the environment around them,” Hawking clarified. “I knew that it was only moments before this energy imploded on itself. Luckily, I recently had a V8 engine installed on my chair, so I quickly got the hell out of there.”

President Obama is expected to ask Congress for $800 billion in stimulus money to find a way to close the black hole before it destroys all of California.

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