Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Costco Now Only Accepting Silver Dollars Minted Before 1977

Bulk foods store, Costco, announced today a plan to increase the chain’s exclusivity/annoyance factor. The effort to both set its self apart from other stores and solidify its reputation as most annoying place on the face of the earth culminated in the store’s decision to only accept silver dollars minted before the year 1977 Anno Domini, The move only angered the customers who have not yet been completely brainwashed thru the various free samples offered in the store aisles.

“We want our customers to feel like they are special; like they are in a place unlike any other,” says store manager Troy Winfeld. “That is why we don’t accept the same trash other stores do. If we don’t keep our image we’ll end up just like a host of other successful stores.”

Kevin Southman came to the store today to buy 482 fl. oz. of ketchup but was turned away at the register because he forgot his silver dollars.

“I just pulled out my card and the cashier burned my face with her laser eyes,” says Kevin. “I mean, jeez! This card is accepted in every other place of business within a 2000 mile radius of this spot.”

Seventy-four year old, Edith Pederson, was seen breathing heavily making her way into the store from the parking lot. The extra weight of lugging hundreds of dollars worth of silver coins in her cart does not seem to have dampened her spirits any.

“It’s a little extra work but, you know, it keeps out the riff-raff,” says Edith. And I don’t have room for groceries in my cart anymore but that’s okay. Oh, excuse me. I have to go find that cute old man serving the clam chowder cups”

This new policy is beginning to push some people over the edge. Gus Hartvedt describes himself as a happy-go-lucky optimist. But when he steps inside a Costco he puts his wife on suicide watch duty.

“The soul crushing disparity under those halogen bulbs destroys my will to live,” says Gus. “I don’t know what is worse, the face that somebody decided to make a 15 pound jar of pickles, or that I always buy them.”

“The regular laws of human intuition do not apply inside of Costco,” says University of Virginia psychology professor, Lyle Gummot. “Nobody who is acting in their natural state of mind would buy 360 slices of synthetic cheese and pay for it with silver dollars. In fact, I think the whole Matrix movie franchise was thought up after a trip to Costco.”

In addition to its recent silver dollar manifesto, Costco is mulling restricting store ID’s to those who will tattoo “Kirkland” on their eyelids.

1 comment:

  1. Ahhh--now we know why Grandpa buried all those silver dollars on the ranch--he knew this day would come--