Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Joe Jonas to be replaced by Axl Rose in upcoming Summer Tour

The fragile hearts of teenage and “tweeny”-aged girls were crushed today when Kevin Jonas Sr.—the boys’ father and manager—announced that lead singer Joe Jonas had swallowed a golf ball on a dare, damaging his vocal chords and sidelining the heartthrob for the upcoming summer tour. Although the absence of the beloved front man will hinder the tour, Jonas Sr. said it won’t cancel it, and that they found a replacement in Guns n’ Roses vocalist Axl Rose.

“Axl actually wasn’t our first choice,” Jonas said. “We tried to get Josh Groban, who respectfully declined. Then I tried to get Brad Paisley, who said he’d think about it and then drove to my house to punch me in the face for insulting him like that. In a panic, I called up Rose, and surprisingly he agreed to do it.”

Rose will bring a different edge to the pop-icon’s teen-girl oriented music, and despite having scared thousands of twelve-year-olds out of their minds after they YouTubed the singer to see how he’d look with their teen idols, he feels he’ll be ready by the beginning of the tour.

“My approach is simple,” Rose informed Seventeen magazine this morning. “I get really drunk, smoke a pack before the show, and scream my heart out. It worked in the 80’s and 90’s. It’ll work now. Oh, I’ll also call up Slash and insult his mother, just to get extra fired up.”

Rose said he has no intention of actually learning the songs for the tour, and will just follow the lead of the band.

As part of the agreement, Kevin Jonas Sr. said that the Jonas Bothers will perform a few G n’ R hits from their latest album during the lineup. However, guitarists Kevin Jr. and Nick Jonas aren’t too sure about performing the difficult solos of Ron Thal and Slash on stage.

“This is [bleep]ing impossible,” a visibly frustrated Nick Jonas said at a recent practice session. “I just learned a Dm7 chord, and that took months to get down. I can’t play this!”

All ticket sales for the tour now come with the disclaimer that the band is not responsible for the 40 year old women in acid wash jeans who take their shirts off during the performance.

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