Thursday, May 7, 2009

Obama asks CEO of Hasbro to resign

In another attempt to save the American economy from the tyranny of failed corporate leadership, President Barack Obama asked CEO of toy Hasbro to step down on Thursday. The firm is well known for its ownership of classic, technologically-challenged activities such as Monopoly and Chutes and Ladders. However, despite Hasbro’s consistent popularity throughout the decades, the President just does not feel that the company’s current leadership is taking the necessary steps towards innovation needed for our future.

“Our country is in desperate need of leadership that will take our businesses into the future,” the President said in a statement released to the press. “I was looking at the other day, and noticed that the site was featuring its newest release—another revamp of the classic Monopoly. That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. I mean, how many editions of Monopoly do you have to release before you can admit that you’re out of ideas? It’s time for Hasbro to cut its ties to the past and move on.”

Brian Goldner, who has led the famed manufacturer of children’s toys and goodies since 2008, was floored by the news.

“I’m just… confused,” a flabbergasted Goldner told a media circus outside his home. “Hasbro is doing some seriously good things right now. Is the president not aware that it is OUR toys behind the blockbuster franchise Transformers? I know for a fact that Joe Biden is a fan of that movie. And yeah, we release a new addition of Monopoly almost quarterly, but, jeez, we make a lot of new and ground-breaking toys, too. What does he expect of us?”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs informed news outlets that the President would likely have an audience with the embattled CEO, but did not think the meeting would help Hasbro in the end.

“Once the President makes up his mind, you’d better just count on accepting it,” Gibbs said. “He’s hardly ever wrong, and I don’t see some silly toy-maker having the clout to sway the opinion of the greatest man that has ever lived.”

In related news, Bill Clinton has decided to lobby in behalf of Hasbro in an attempt to get the chance to meet Transformers’ Megan Fox.

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