Monday, May 4, 2009

Raccoon Attempting To Enter White House Shot Seven Times

The furry black mask worn by a certain Beltway raccoon could not help it slip past White House secret service agents as it was shot dead attempting to enter the president’s residence. The incident occurred at 2:42 AM near the east wing. A flurry of radio communications and flashlight activity preceded the killing as agents scrambled to assume defensive positions against the intruder. When the raccoon failed to respond to vocal commands the agents opened fire.

“We all hate to see this sort of thing happen but it’s all in the job description,” said agent McKay. “The raccoon did not have a press pass, a guest pass, or any of the various other passes we issue. After failing to lay down with its hand behind its head, per our command, we had to shoot it. I mean I was this close to taking out a school girl the other day who had tucked her guest pass under her shirt. There is reason we have passes and that reason is to shoot people/things that don’t have them. I think I have shot a bust of Thomas Jefferson about 18 times.”

Though agents were following standard operating procedures some questions remained about whether or not a raccoon is physically capable of putting its hands behind its head. Representatives from PETA are suggesting is unethical to discriminate against animals that are unable to follow impossible instructions.

“What the agents should have said to the raccoon was ‘knock over the trash cans and make a horrendous mess of everything!’” explains PETA representative Murray Channel. “That way the raccoon is able to comply with a direct order. It is an outrage the Secret Service standard ops are so environmentally outdated. They have not heard the last from us on this issue!”

Agent Sampson thinks the raccoon may have been searching for Easter eggs left behind from the White Houses’ annual Easter Egg Roll.

“The kids did a poor job this year,” said agent Sampson. “They only found about 60% of the eggs we hid around the lawn. I think that raccoon had been searching out the left behind eggs but this was the first time he ventured towards an entrance.”

When asked about whether or not the slaying of a little raccoon was really promoting national security, agent Sampson said that it always better for raccoons to be dead than alive.

“Is it likely that this raccoon was an Iranian spy bent on the destruction of the Office of the President of the United States? No,” said agent Sampson. “But no raccoon is going to hold my president hostage while threatening to nuke Milwaukee on my shift, that is for sure.”

The raccoon slaying of ’09 is not the first critter related slaying at the White House by any means. This incident joins the list with the Great Butterfly Invasion of ’74, the Easter Bunny Tragedy of ’51, and the Hamster Massacre of 1896. In all, seven White House dogs have also been shot after scratching off their collars.

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