Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Report: 65% of Video Games Addicted to Children

A new study issued by the Gaming Preservation Institute insinuates that American video games are dangerously addicted to children. Though the relationship between video games and children has long been viewed as a toxic one, the GPI now has statistically significant data to confirm these fears after completing its three-year study.

“A rigid balance between enjoying the company of a child and sitting in a drawer collecting dust must be properly maintained in order for the overall health of any video game,” explains GPI front man, DeShaun Malcomb. “No game is less susceptible than another. It is clear that some lines need to be drawn; today’s video games are spending way too much time with American youth.”

A digital Peyton Manning, from EA Sports’ newest release from the Madden franchise, says, “That kid Joey who plays me is intoxicating. I mean, he had me throw for 817 yards in one game last Thursday. That kind of exhilarating power is very addictive. I know I should just back off a little bit but if he is not controlling me 10 minutes after I know he is home from school I start to shake. I need this kid.”

Donald Fullerton’s Mii, lil-Don, does not think that parents need to be concerned about perceived addiction levels or the amount of time video games are spending with their kids.

“I am a complete and total extension of Donald,” says lil-Don. “We even have the same blank and vacant expression. He created me and therefore we are one in the same. Whatever I do, he does. Whatever he does, I do. Any separation between us would cause an irreparable rift in our collective soul and cause serial killing tendencies to surface.”

GPI’s Malcomb knows the challenges facing today’s video games are real. Kids are only evolving more and more free time as schooling and personal work ethics continue to decline causing video game demand to spike higher and higher.

“I have talked to Mario and Luigi about this repeatedly,” says Malcomb. “I tell them, when the kid turns you on you gotta come to the screen and say you’re busy. Tell them you’ll be available some other time. But it’s hard for them; they are addicted to these kids. They think they’ll just pound goombas for a few minutes and the next they know they have been at for three hours. I mean these guys are plumbers; they have other things they need to be doing, like fixing my water softener brine tank.”

1 comment:

  1. And that is why we're not getting a Wii -- it just wouldn't be fair to all those poor little Miis.