Monday, May 18, 2009

Senator Robert Byrd diagnosed with “C. Montgomery Burnsism”

Senator Robert Byrd spent most of his weekend at the hospital after an infection caused him to spike a fever. The 91-year-old legislator from West Virginia has seen his fair share of illnesses during his long tenure on Capitol Hill, and many of his supporters are fearing that this could be the end of Byrd’s illustrious career. However, the senator’s doctors say these fears are not only unfounded, but at complete odds with their latest diagnosis.

“Mr. Byrd has what the medical world calls ‘C. Montgomery Burnsism,’” said Byrd’s lead medical advisor, Dr. Julius Hibbert. “Basically, the combination of Senator Byrd’s old age and deteriorating immune system has allowed every known communicable disease to enter his body. However, these diseases are all competing with each other for the chance to kill the man, thus neutralizing every illness within him.”

Doctors are saying that whereas the curmudgeonly politician walks a razor thin edge in regards to his health, they feel the competing diseases will likely allow the senator to have at least another quarter century of uninterrupted legislating.

“We are thrilled with this news,” said Byrd’s Chief of Staff Barbara Videnieks. “In recent decades, all we’ve needed to win an election in this state was a clean bill of health. Now we’ve got a green light for the next 25 years! We can coast for a bit now.”

Most West Virginians aren’t sure why they keep electing the aged Byrd back into office, but despite this, they don’t see any reason to look to anyone new to fill the seat.

“If you think about it, the fact that the man is still breathing means he’s at least meeting the status quo compared to other senators,” registered voter Matthew Davis told pollsters today. “He’s doing just as little for the nation as every one else on Capitol Hill, so why change things?”

Byrd is expected to return to his Senate seat next week, but was told by lead Democrats to take his time as they really have nothing pressing at the moment and won’t be getting around to anything new in the immediate future.

No comments:

Post a Comment