Sunday, May 17, 2009

University of Notre Dame to replace well-known mural with President Obama’s image

Following a series of controversies that had become a major embarrassment for the University of Notre Dame and left-leaning Catholics across the globe, the school’s president, Rev. John I. Jenkins, declared that the institution would make up for the ill behavior of its “crazy right-wing students” by replacing the famous Touchdown Jesus with Touchdown Obama. The move has already received praise by the White House as “a bold and profound statement of tolerance and bipartisanship.”

Protests had been taking place all week on the university’s campus regarding the President’s controversial visit. As a pro-choice advocate, many felt that Obama was simply not welcome at a school whose faith is opposed to the practice.

“It just isn’t right to have a baby killer give a speech at this distinguished university,” Notre Dame senior Eric O’Malley said during a protest, just moments before getting tazed. “Evil isn’t allowed here. Oh, except for Charlie Weiss, but we always let the football team skirt the rules.”

Much to the chagrin of Jenkins and others who favored Obama’s visit, the protesters continued to display their outrage, even during the President’s speech.

“We are very much aware of the unspoken ‘do-not-speak-ill-of-Obama’ rule that was instituted during the primary campaigns last year,” Jenkins told reporters. “I guess some of our student body chose to ignore that rule. So, in an effort to reestablish peace with the White House, we are going to paint Obama’s image on the Hesburgh Library. That should convey the message that we are not against our dear President, and will hopefully spare us his wrath.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President was delighted with the gesture and felt the offering was indeed worthy of earning favor with the White House.

“The President is a big time sports fan,” Gibbs told the press, “and Touchdown Obama will only add to the great collection of sports memorabilia he has acquired in his magnificent tenure. The President is sure that his image behind Notre Dame’s stadium will actually help the football team score some touchdowns this upcoming season.”

Many of the protesters from Sunday’s speech spent the night either in jail or in the hospital, recovering from “peace-keeping” actions from the police. Although they had been very disruptive both before and during the speech, President Obama did not harbor any hatred for them.

“I forgive them,” Obama said this morning, “for they know not what they do.”

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