Friday, January 30, 2009

Jewish council in Germany breaks ties with Vatican; refuses to send spam emails

In the aftermath of Pope Benedict XVI’s reversal of the excommunication of a traditional Bishop who has denied the full extent of the Holocaust, the Central Council of Jews in Germany has declared that all its ties with the Vatican have now been cut off. There is no indication that communication will ever resume.

David Goldberg, spokesman for the CCJiG, explained that the decision to break off the relationship came after hours of deliberation among council members. “We really weighed out the pros and cons, but ultimately decided that is was best for us to just go our separate ways,” Goldberg says. “It’s a sad thing, but it needed to be done.”

The CCJiG was never a group of particular influence for the Vatican, who seems to ignore any outside feedback altogether. Instead, the two organizations enjoyed a very casual yet friendly relationship.

“Basically, we would forward those silly spam emails back and forth to each other,” Goldberg clarifies. "We had a lot of fun trading those emails with scriptural evidence that Barack Obama was the anti-Christ, and we also liked to trade religious jokes. You know, like those ‘A Catholic, a Jew and a Mormon walk into a bar…’ kind of jokes.”

But as the Pope supported the English-born Bishop who made claims about the non-existence of the Holocaust, the CCJiG felt that it was not worth the jokes to remain friends.

“It was just a low blow,” says Goldberg, “and totally unnecessary for him to do. Granted, it was a bit depressing for us to delete him from our Facebook friends list—we always enjoyed his status updates—but now the communication is done. It’s just done. You see this email here? ‘Send this message to 25 of your friends to find out who has a crush on you.’ Guess who won’t be getting this little nugget?”

Pope Benedict XVI was unavailable for questioning, but his Facebook status did read: “The CCJiG is a bunch of whiney troglodytes!”

Locals agitate already excited mountain; eruption expected

Mount Redoubt, an active volcano situated about 100 miles to the southwest of Anchorage, Alaska, has been showing more signs of excitement in recent weeks, and experts are certain that the peak could blow at any time.

“We’ve had all sorts of activity going on,” says Dr. William Gilcrest, one of the scientists who has been studying the mountain for several years. “It would seem that Redoubt is getting… angry. She hasn’t been this upset since the Boy Scout Troop 844 incident of ’89.”

Back in December of 1989, a Boy Scout group from Anchorage hiked the peak in order to fulfill some merit badge requirements. However, the boys were much more unruly than normal on that day, and they engaged in such non-Boy Scout activity as horsing around, leaving trash behind them, belittling the local fauna and failing to set up a proper latrine system for their waste.

“It was a bad, bad day,” admits former Scoutmaster Kevin Howard. “The boys—and even myself—were neither trustworthy nor loyal, helpful nor friendly, courteous nor kind, obedient nor cheerful, thrifty nor brave, clean nor reverent. And Mother Nature does not tolerate such unscrupulous young men.”

As the boys carried on, the Mount Redoubt began spewing forth ash and magma, and the wrath lasted for several months. Now it appears that Redoubt is showing similar patterns to the event in ’89.

“It’s quite obvious why this is happening,” Gilcrest says, shaking his head. “I mean, ever since that eruption, scientists and visitors and locals keep coming up here to get a look, and I don’t think Redoubt likes guests. I have the feeling that she just wants to be left alone.”

Dr. Gilcrest showed a chart monitoring the mountains activity as it related to local activity. On one particular evening, a hip-hop extravaganza had been held in nearby Anchorage, during which the chart indicated a severe spike in agitation.

“I don’t think she likes rap,” Gilcrest laughs. “She was much calmer when Yanni did his tour here a few years back.”

We were unable to get a comment on the situation from Mount Redoubt herself, who simply yelled, “Get the %^#* off my lawn!” when we attempted to ask her anything.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Taxpayer money used for porn research; volunteers line up by the thousands

CNN reported earlier today that several employees of the National Foundation of Science—including one senior official—were fired for viewing sexually explicit images while working on taxpayer funded salaries and computers. But now, Dr. Arden L. Bement, Jr., director of the NSF, would like to make a clarification.

“What appeared to be a couple of employees misbehaving was actually a secret research project that we have been heading up for over a decade now,” Bement explains. “They weren’t surfing for gratification; they were researching the effects of pornography. It was all for science!”

Dr. Bement provided documents to show that former President Bill Clinton was the one who approved the initiative, and was very much aware of and involved in the research. Per executive order, President Clinton was able to release the funds necessary for the work without having to alert the American people.

“You have to understand why we kept it secret for so long,” says Bement. “Our conservative culture would not have liked us doing this kind of research, especially when it is paid for by their hard earned money. But as pornography is linked to so many ills in society, we had to study it and identify how to cure some of these ills.”

Conservative taxpayer advocacy organizations had harsh words for the secretive research. “It’s not enough that the government taxes us to pieces and then spends our money so carelessly,” says Bernard Wilkinson, President of Taxes Are For Suckers, LLC. “Now they’re funding stuff in secret, and this has to stop.”

Right-leaning student organizations at the University of Florida are also outraged about the poor use of taxpayer money—but they emphatically approve of the research. Many feel that they have a better solution for the situation.

“I’ve asked all of my friends—including my 2,357 Facebook friends—and every single one of them said they would volunteer their time for free to assist in this research,” comments Harvey Ottermann, a senior at the university. “That would save much on taxes, and would allow students to happily fulfill the 100 or so volunteer and service hours that the current president is about to thrust on us.”

As word has gotten around across the nation that the NSF has been undertaking this project, more and more students have switched their majors to science-based degrees. Southern Bismarck State College professor of Biology, Dr. Gregor Vonovich, explains that many Humanities and Philosophy majors—who were already doomed to a life of internet surfing and boredom due to unemployment—are now hopeful that they can have a meaningful career doing the things in which they already have experience.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Follow Up to the Viking Coup

This article is a follow up to the Icelandic Government Falls report from Monday.

With billions of English pounds frozen in Icelandic banks, Thorvaldsen expalins that Iceland's newfound viking glory is off to a rocking start.

"Sure. We can sail and plunder with the best of 'em. Our blood insists that it be so. But we have also sailed our boats right into the financial sector. Sometimes we like to become a hot spot for foreign investment. Thats what we've done with England. We'll get all this money and then just let our banks fail. It is a lot easier than getting in a boat, and sometimes it is really cold outside.

When asked about the diplomatic standoff with England, Thorvaldsen said that bloodletting is the birthright of Viking sailors and says that if the English don't allow Iceland to kill the English ambasador first, they will sack York just like they did all those years ago.

"You know," continues Thorvaldsen, "During the 'Cod Wars' the English called us all sorts of nasty stuff. And this is payback as far as I'm concerned."

When asked about Japanese whaling rights in Icelandic waters, Thorvald became visibly excited.

"Imagine this scenario if you will." He explains. "The Japanese pay us all this money to satisfy their taste for whale. Now after they harvest the whales we will simply pilage their ships as they leave port and sell our plunder back to them with a 25% markup from daily Japanese whale market values."

In a random note, Thorvaldsen said that Hilary Swank is not "hot" and he thinks the writers need to make their way back to Jim and Pam.

Germany to assist in transportation overhaul of Colombia; complete takeover forthcoming,1518,603584,00.html

The Colombian city of Cali--the nation's third largest city with a population of 2.5 million citizens--was on the verge of widespread rioting and unrest as a result of the imminent collapse of its transportation system.

"I was receiving threats daily... no, hourly," says Miguel Castro, a city bus driver. "I would often pull up to a stop, and people had been waiting for hours. It wasn't my fault, though, this is just how the system works! But now things are getting so bad, it looks like we may have to shut the whole thing down."

Fearing that people might have to walk, run, bicycle or use other non-state methods of getting themselves around, the city officials decided to call for help. And that call was heard halfway around the world in Berlin, Germany, by one of the most successful transportation firms in the world, IVU Traffic Technologies.

"It was a very exciting phone call," says Ernst Denert, president of IVU. "I think it's been nearly 60 years since anyone from Berlin has been entrusted with intervening in a sovereign government's affairs."

When Denert and his team showed up in Cali, things began to change almost immediately. Bus drivers made an effort to be punctual, patrons actually paid for tickets, and the threat of riots disappeared completely.

Miguel Castro wasn't surprised that Germans were able to affect things so instantaneously. "I think we were mostly just scared s---less that the Germans were here. I mean, we're not scholars and all, but we do know general history. People began shaping up from the get-go."

Denert and his team researched the underlying problems with Cali's appalling transportation system for two years, trying to pinpoint the areas where German efficiency and engineering could be of most help.

"We noticed several things that needed to be changed straightaway. Firstly, it was observed that none of the bus stops had any schedules posted. People would wait at a stop for hours--even days if they showed up on a Saturday--wondering if and when their bus would come. We've now posted the schedules so that the guess-work was taken out. We also noticed that a good number of patrons were waiting at places that weren't bus stops at all, like park benches, lampposts, outhouses, etc. This we also fixed."

Denert is quite confident that the initiative will be successful, and that his efforts can replace the laid-back, slow-paced culture of Colombia with the efficient and speedy culture of the Germans. He feels that once their success is seen by surrounding nations, they too will want his group to improve their transportation systems.

"But we don't want to stop there," Denert explains. "German efficiency can improve all facets of government in all nations, especially among those in South America. It's only a matter of time before they're inviting us to improve their finances, manufacturing, weapons production, and so on. It's an exciting time to be German."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

US to close Gitmo, Cuba

After much deliberation, President Obama has decided that the prison at Guantanamo Bay is no longer necessary.

“It just seems to be a conflict of interests,” explained press secretary, Robert Gibbs. “The American Ideal and Gitmo just do not go hand-in-hand.”

In addition to the closing doors at Gitmo the United States also has plans to shut down the entire country of Cuba. After decades of human rights violations, hurricanes, death at sea, and Castro, newly elected President Obama decided that Cuba was no longer in the broad scope of US interests.

“Without the prison, Cuba just seems to have very little purpose,” revealed Gibbs. “It just seems to make sense that shutting down Cuba be in conjunction with shutting down Gitmo.”

Raul Soledad, a native Cuban living in Florida, was confused by the news, as are thousands of others like him.

“It is hard to imagine that I’ll miss the place that I tried so hard to escape,” said Raul. “But I suppose it is just as well. Anyway I am pretty sure that the island is deserted. I just saw my entire native village down the street.”

The ACLU has been shouting the news from the rooftops. The country has been a thorn in its side for decades. ACLU members tried to turn Cuban human rights violations on the US by insinuating that sanctions against the country were the reason for Castro’s cruelty. Now they are ecstatic that the problem will no longer hinder their efforts to legalize Statue of Liberty urination.

“Shutting down the prison was a HUGE victory for us!” said ACLU spokesman, Jeremy Hockins. “But getting rid of Cuba altogether is like a dream come true.”

“This is a major blow to human rights offenders everywhere!” continued press secretary Gibbs. “And it will really open up the shipping lanes in the Caribbean.”

When asked how the closure will occur, Secretary Gibbs explained that it would be a fairly simple process. “We don’t even have an embassy to recall or anything so once President Obama hits ‘delete” on the Cuba files we expect the island will sink into the ocean. Maybe some of the higher elevations will remain above sea level but we’ll send a hurricane or two to polish them off.”

President Obama commented briefly on his decision to close Cuba when he spoke to the media on Tuesday. “Castro is old and his brother is not near as polarizing; I don’t see a future in that” the President said. “The only reason we had Cuba in the first place was to put a military prison on it. That prison is no longer in our plans and so neither is Cuba.”

Discovering the Obamagasm

Obama scores well in second post-inauguration poll; scores even better in third and fourth:

Ask the people if they like their new president and if they think he's doing a good job, and you are likely to be answered with smiles, cheers, "woot woot"s, fainting, speaking in tongues and other such positive reactions. This is known as the Obamagasm, and as the polls show, there seems to be no shortness of citizens who are capable of having multiple Obamagasms in a short period of time.

Having only a week's experience behind him in the Oval Office, Mr. Obama has the vast majority of the American people convinced that he can do this job, and do it well.

"He has given me hope and change in the shortest time frame ever," said Obama supporter Liz Babbit between convulsions of joy. "I can feel the shackles of George Bush falling from my being!"

Obama scored a 63% approval rating among those polled in Tuesday's poll. Only 9% felt that he was doing a poor job (it must be noted that these 9% also admitted to being incapable of feeling emotion and also lacked the sense of smell).

A few hours later, people were polled again and Obama's approval rating had jumped to 71%. When asked what could lead to such a rise in so short amount of time, Robert Gibbs, Obama's press secretary, revealed that Obamagasms often intesify the third and fouth times around. "When you love Barack with such severity, you can't help but find yourself approving more and more of his actions. Each smile, each wave, each executive order signed, each Blackberry message sent... it overwhelms you with a feeling of confidence in his presidency."

Indeed, when pollsters sent out a fourth inquiry in the same day, the approval rating jumped again, this time to an historic 94%. Many of those polled had lost the ability to speak and even more would just scream, "Change, oh change! Change... cha... cha... cha... CHAAAAAAAAAAANGE!"

Oxford historian Dr. Fletcher Fleming acknowledged that "never in the history of human kind have a people been so satisfied for so little work done by their superiors. Obama is truly a great leader if he can inspire such adoration after only a week."

Barack Obama is expected to declare a perpetual state of emergency to release the funds necessary for providing emergency staff for the millions of people that will likely lose consciousness next week during one of his weekly addresses.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Iceland Government Falls, spells doom for international waterways

The Icelandinc government has fallen:

What is not being reported here is that a reactionary political faction has sworn to take over in Reykjavik and restore Iceland to it's former glory. Number one on the agenda: the organization of Viking pillagers.

"We have long abandoned our cultural heritage in favor of a Western Civilzation style of government," said Thorvald Thorvaldsen, leader of the Viking Peoples Front. "It's time to go back to what we did best: Pillaging and Plundering."

The Icelanders are not content, however, with dominating only the Northern and Atlantic waterways surrounding Europe. They plan to extend their influence globally--especially at the hotbed of the Horn of Africa.

"Those Somalians... they think they're soooo good at being pillagers and pirates," explains Thorvaldsen. "These bozos need GPS, outboard motors and automatic weapons to get the job done. Back in the day, our people would row longships with one hand while gulping a goblet of mead in the other, and we could sack a whole village with our bare hands if we wanted to. Just imagine what we could do with only a fraction of the Somali's technology!"

Thorvaldsen hopes to have his fleet of braided blonde berzerkers ready by Summer, whereupon they will meet the Somalian pirates head on.

"The battle will be legendary, and our victory will solidify our dominance of the global waterways. Iceland shall be great once again."

Iceland has only truly been independent since 1944, when it voted to break from Denmark, their mother nation. When Anders Fogh Rasmussen, Prime Minister of Denmark, was asked how he felt about the collapse of the Icelandic regime and the ensuing threat of a Viking usurpation of power, Mr. Rasmussen replied, "Iceland had a government?"