Friday, April 24, 2009

Humane Society calls for substance abuse testing on Polo Horses

In the aftermath of the tragic deaths of 21 horses bred for the sport of polo, the Humane Society is calling for mandatory drug screenings on all involved horses before competition. The deceased horses had reportedly gotten hammered the night before the match on last Sunday and had tried to curb the effects of a terrible hangover with some speed they had purchased from local donkey. Drug testing, it has been claimed, would have prevented this horrific event from taking place.

“Horses, by nature, are drug abusers,” Humane Society spokesperson Jillian Langley said yesterday. “Really, if you knew that all the future held for you was to be turned into dog food or bottled up into Elmer’s, you’d be more prone to do some dope as well. If these horses know we’re going to test, they’ll be less likely to abuse.”

But not everyone is on board with this measure. Many from the Polo community think it’s absolutely absurd to test horses for using banned substances—especially the horses themselves.

“Well if this just isn’t the last straw,” said Jingles, a two-year-old purebred from Miami. “Our privacy rights were already razor thin, and now they want to watch me pee in a cup? It’s bad enough that our jockeys kick us when we’re using the bathroom as it is!”

A large number of Polo horses felt it should be left up to them whether or not they want to smoke some weed or shoot up on the weekends, and that it would be unfair to deny them this one stress reliever in what is indeed a very stressful sport.

“I warned the other pony-boys that this would happen,” exclaimed Liberty, a veteran horse from Texas. “I told them to vote for Ron Paul. And they said I was crazy. Well, who’s crazy now, huh?”

The Humane Society is likely to get this measure passed into law, as Congress has been known to listen to animal right’s activists whenever they so much as pass gas.

“We have to think about the lives of these animals,” said Nancy Pelosi in a press conference this afternoon. “It’s not right that we sit idly by and do nothing while the poor animals suffer.”

Sports analysts across the nation are wondering why the issue with drug-using horses is coming to the forefront of the Legislative Branch while Barry Bonds has failed to be put behind bars.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Susan Boyle to become sixth member of “Pussycat Dolls”

YouTube sensation Susan Boyle—who wowed a shallow and superficial British audience with her stellar rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream”—has concluded talks with pop-burlesque music group The Pussycat Dolls and agreed to become its sixth member. Rumors that the two had been talking had been disregarded as a cruel joke, but Interscope Records spokesperson Wayne Hunter confirmed that the deal had indeed been made.

“Look, let me address the matter directly,” Hunter told reporters this morning. “The Pussycat Dolls have been struggling a bit, and their manager decided to add someone to the troupe who could actually carry a tune. I mean, sex sells, but as we’ve discovered with the scantily-clad quintet, it only sells so much. Eventually, people want to hear music from a music group.”

Boyle has already begun practicing the PCD song lineup, and admits that she feels a touch embarrassed by the lyrical content and suggestive nature of the group’s music, but is getting used to it.

“Honestly, I had sung ‘Buttons’ about six times through before it occurred to me just what ‘loosen up my buttons’ actually meant,” Boyle said. “Oh, how it made me blush! I’ve never been kissed even!”

Some critics have voiced their vehement disapproval of Boyle’s recruitment, saying that the stark contrast between the Englishwoman’s features and those of the other five PCD members is nothing short of a cruel joke.

“It’s no joke,” Hunter reassured the press. “Boyle is beautiful—as much so as any of the other girls in the troupe. Yes, it’s true that we’ve been under considerable pressure from feminist terrori—uh—lobbyist groups as well as those freaks at the Dove Soap campaign to show that big women are attractive, but that’s not why we hired Boyle. The girls needed a singer. Boyle can sing. Get over it.”

Although a fan of Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell described the addition of Boyle to The Pussycat Dolls as “utterly boring.”

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Jackie Chan Asks For Increase In Chinese Government Sponsored Disappearings, Killings

Movie action hero, Jackie Chan, made headlines this week by voicing an approval of the Chinese government’s efforts to control its citizens. This seeming approval is at a stark contrast with the rest of the world who is continually putting pressure on the Chinese government to make its self more transparent and accountable regarding its human rights record. What he said was:

"I'm not sure if it is good to have freedom or not," said Mr. Chan. "I'm really confused now. If you are too free, you are like the way Hong Kong is now. It's very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic."

He then added: "I'm gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we are not being controlled, we'll just do what we want."

Mr. Chan went a little further this morning explaining that the Chinese government is best able to control its population when they are either completely constrained or dead. The real issue, as he sees it, is about control, and it is really easy to control those in graves.

“I mean, what if a Chinese woman could just go buy a cup of tea at will,” said the actor. “Now multiply that by about 500 million and you can see what kind of a situation we would be in. Those crazies in Hong Kong and Taiwan are just buying tea without the fear of death hanging over them. It is quite chaotic.”

“But we don’t have to kill everybody,” continued Chan. “I mean if you just lock several million up in a filth ridden pit of a dungeon, that is a really effective and positive control mechanism as well. As I have said, freedom is downright scary.”

Mr. Chang also used the interview this morning to reveal a new line of weapons he plans to market in the coming year. The weapons are specifically designed kill baby seals and Mr. Chan feels he is filling a current void in the seal-killing industry with his new line.

“You can see these are not your grandfather's clubs,” said Chan. “Now you’ve got better grip with a new synthetic rubber handle. Also, the razor blade spikes on these clubs are dipped in cyanide. It is a very useful tool because the last thing you are going to want is a baby seal just doing whatever it wants.”

Of course there are some limits to control that Mr. Chan thinks are permissible. “If anyone in my family is ever harmed then I will hunt down the killers and destroy them,” said a threatening Chan. “It would be best if we had a film crew and the proper lighting in place when I do.”

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Ahmadinejad to resign over threat of “Clown Invasion”,7340,L-3703944,00.html

A visibly shaken Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he would resign from the Iranian Presidency following a mild protest at a UN racism conference in Geneva yesterday. As he ran from the conference hall to his motorcade, the controversial radical leader told pursuing reporters that he would do anything the west asks of him as long as they kept those “evil” clowns away from him and his family.

The normally stubborn Ahmadinejad had a change of heart when student protesters interrupted the beginning of the Iranian President’s speech by shouting unintelligible insults and donning rainbow colored clown wigs. It was at that moment that the embattled Ahmadinejad’s countenance changed. Although he finished his speech, he made a b-line for the door and said he “just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“It’s been a very well kept secret for sometime,” Iranian spokesman Hamid-Reza Asefi said this morning. “Mahmoud is terrified of clowns. Has been all his life. I think most of us agree that clowns are outright disturbing creatures. For our president, though, they literally make him wet his pants at night.”

Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton jokingly called Iran and said that she was planning to send a delegation from Barnum & Bailey to discuss the nation’s nuclear program. She was told by a panicked Ahmadinejad that he would personally dismantle all nuclear facilities and then resign as president if she promised to keep the clowns at bay.

“I honestly wasn’t serious about sending a circus delegation,” Clinton said, “I just wanted to see his reaction. And look at what happened! I think it’s safe to say I’m the greatest Secretary of State that ever lived.”

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice also weighed in on the development, saying she had seen vague signs of the Iranian President’s one weakness in the past.

“At a summit in France back in 06, I was telling Dubya that we may have to send 'those clowns from Europe' to handle negotiations with Iran,” she told the press. “Someone must have overheard me and informed Ahmadinejad, and apparently he soiled himself as the news got to him. At first I thought he was just afraid of the European Foreign Ministers, which—obviously—didn’t make any sense. Now I understand that it was the word clown that got him so worked up. It’s a shame we didn’t pick up on this factoid back then. We’d have kept the GOP in power.”

In other news, the State of Israel canceled their normal order of weapons and ammunition from US manufacturers and instead purchased $1 billion in white makeup and red foam noses from Acme, Inc.

Monday, April 20, 2009

John Madden to replace Michael Steele as GOP chairman

Not even a week into his retirement, hall of famer and former football color commentator John Madden has been approached by high ranking GOP officials regarding chairmanship of the struggling party. With the 2012 elections already at the forefront of nearly every political analyst’s mind, the GOP is hoping to secure Madden as the party’s spokesperson and mascot and restore the party to its former glory.

“Madden will bring a much needed change to the Republicans,” South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said today. “I mean, we put Michael Steele up there to counter Obama and show young voters that we were hip and culturally inclusive—oh, and also because we were so shocked that an African American was in our party. Boy was that guy a mistake. Pro-abortion, anti-gun, and he swears in public. Yeah, we all swear, but even hot-headed McCain knows to keep the profanity in the Congressional chambers.”

Senior GOP members feel that Madden would be less of an obvious attempt—unlike with Steele—to court voters who have disenfranchised themselves from the conservatives. The veteran sports figure is old, loves football and proudly waves the American flag, making him the quintessential GOPer.

“But that’s not the only reason we’re gunning for him to chair the party,” Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said. “His football video game thing is so popular with the young’uns, and if they see that we made him the boss of our little getup here, well they’ll be sure to vote for us!”

Madden has yet to accept the offer, but he did mention some plans for the party should he become its chairperson. For example, he felt that the current nickname “Party of Principle” should be changed to “Party of Boom” and also that they would need a versatile tight end with good hands to open up the field.