Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hugh Jackman caught screaming in presence of harmless spider

Only hours before the worldwide premier of the highly anticipated action-thriller X-Men Origins: Wolverine, actor Hugh Jackman—who plays the manly hero Wolverine—was witnessed screaming like a four-year-old girl after seeing a small brown spider scurry across the ground as he was being harassed by the paparazzi. Critics now say the film has lost all appeal, and that the character played by Jackman can no longer be taken seriously.

“It was a saddening sight,” said movie blogger Dan Clover. “Here you have the baddest dude in show business, the great Wolverine, and the man was frightened by a tiny spider.”

Jackman tried to play off the incident as an ironic joke, insisting that the scream was way too girly to not have been done on purpose.

“C’mon guys,” Jackman pleaded to the cameras. “How could anyone with pecs like mine be spooked by that thing? It was a spoof! You gotta believe me!”

The incident has caused speculation that behind the rugged Australian fa├žade, Jackman is, at heart, a flagrant pansy. While most who know the actor are denying this speculation, others who have worked more closely with Jackman say otherwise. Nicole Kidman, for instance, revealed a shocking event from the recently released Australia, in which the two were the star actors.

“During one of the breaks,” Kidman texted reporters, “A koala sidled up to Jackman, and he crapped his pants forthright. He blamed it on some undercooked pork he had eaten earlier, but now I realize the man is simply a nancy and scared of a docile marsupial.”

Wolverine is still expected to fare well this weekend, but the overall franchise will likely suffer in the long run. Toys R’ Us has already pulled all Wolverine action figures from the shelves and transferred them to the girls’ section, next to the Barbies.

“We just feel that little girls relate more to the Wolverine now than boys do,” Toys R’ Us spokesman Geoffrey G. Raffe said.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Obama Signs Up For Night Classes at Gerogetown Unversity

Frustrated and perplexed by the enormous learning curve he has faced during his first 100 days as President, Obama signed up for night school at Georgetown to increase his knowledge base. The President is taking mostly economic classes as he tries to figure out what in the world is going on in the universe around him.

President Obama has so far had a tremendous amount of fun drawing supply and demand curves in Econ 101 and determining how much utility can really be derived by multiple slices of pizza. With the first test of the semester coming up in two weeks the president has been hard at work learning and defining textbook terms.

“I have the terms ‘Monetary’ and ‘Fiscal Policy’ highlighted with bright yellow highlighter in my book,” said an excited Head of State. “I can rattle off the definitions for you verbatim but I still don’t have any idea what practical applications they really have on a national economy.”
Earlier in the week the president touted his $3.5 trillion budget as the means whereby the nation will emerge from the ashes of a decimated economy and create a sustainable foundation for a new and robust economy in the future. However, the president confided to his aids that the above-mentioned rhetoric does not seem to jive with the basic economic principals he is learning in his Econ 101 class.

“Well, we just started really and we still have a lot to learn,” says Obama. “I bet there is a chapter towards the back entitled ‘How to overtax and handcuff private business but still have that great economy you promised everybody.’ That will be an exciting chapter.”

While many simple minded Americans are struggling with the idea of how making things more difficult for the private sector through higher taxes, more red tape and oversight, will somehow translate into a viable and dependable economy, the Obama administration assures them that they are much smarter than they are.

“I’m sick of markets controlling the economy!” says an upset Vice President Biden. “I’d stab Adam Smith’s invisible hand if I could find out where the hell it is! No, no. You want a nice, round, obese government to drive the whole thing.”

According to the Obama camp’s logic, private business is too unstable to perpetuate a healthy economy. Instead the government must do it. First you grow the government by setting a $3.5 trillion budget. Next you slowly raise taxes on everything that can possibly be taxed. Now the private sector can barely operate and individuals have no discretionary income because it is all going to the government. Your government is now the only thing that can move anything in the economy because private business and individuals, along with their petty and unstable whims, have been neutralized.

“And when businesses are no longer motivated by the impossible prospect of making any money America will grow stale and China will be poised to crush us all!” exclaimed Speaker of the House Pelosi. “It is our solemn responsibility to destroy anything we have that is of any worth compared to someone else. I am sure China will return the favor.”

“Yeah, none of this stuff even remotely gels with basic economic principals,” said the president. “But nothing I learned my first few weeks in Country Line Dancing made any sense either.”

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Porky Pig Arrested on Bio-terrorism, Swine Flu Charges

Fun-loving, stuttering Porky Pig showed his evil side today as police led him towards a waiting cruiser. The corpulent pig swore at waiting photographers and displayed a demeanor void of remorse after being picked up on charges related to recent swine flu outbreaks in Mexico and the US. Porky is currently being held in a San Antonio prison waiting to be arraigned on bio-terrorism charges.

"G-g-get, g-g-get, g-g let go of me!” the angry pig cried as police used their might to restrain him

Detectives located the pig as they traced outbreak locations to a farm near Porky’s residence in west Texas. Though Porky had gone into hiding by the time detectives arrived, a search warrant allowed on-scene investigators to locate several beakers and test tubes believed to be used as swine flu cultivators. Porky used these cultivated strains to contaminate ground water wells all over the western part of the state. Two days later police caught up with the fugitive at a hotel in Amarillo.

Daffy Duck, a long friend/nemesis of the pig is having a hard time believing Porky was smart enough to pull off such an elaborate scheme.

“I guess his own bout with swine flu gave him more wit than I ever remember him having,” said a skeptical Daffy. “Not a chance in a million that he could have hatched a plot like this himself. I’ll paint a moustache on every picture I see if it’s true.”

Angry citizens on both sides of the boarder say that Sylvester the cat is mostly to blame for Porky’s deranged state, and many vigilantly swine flu carriers are organizing cat-hunts to bring Sylvester to justice.

“That cat is bad news,” says Emanuel Cueto. “He never lets that pig sleep at night. It is well documented; I have seen the footage myself. I blame the cat for turning that pig into a bio-terrorist psycho.”

Though nobody knows for sure, it seems Porky came down with a severe sore throat several years ago. Left untreated the virus morphed into swine flu by virtue of Porky being, in fact, a pig. Patient confidentiality acts prevent the public from knowing if Porky had ever been treated for the disease but findings at his residence clearly indicate that he was both infected and cultivating the virus.

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said today during a scheduled press conference that the president would probably appoint a director to head up the swine flu situation.

“And after that appointment backs out because of unresolved tax issues we’ll appoint another one, and so forth,” said Gibbs

Loony Tunes has pulled its branded line of surgical masks off store shelf’s and currently has no intention of reintroducing them.

Monday, April 27, 2009

2009 NFL Draft chock full of shocking, irrelevant picks

The 2009 NFL Draft concluded its 7-round fiesta Sunday evening with what might be described as the goofiest selection event in the game’s history. Although some picks were easily expected—such as Detroit shamelessly ruining the career of young star quarterback Matthew Stafford before his rookie year has even begun—others were nothing short of absurd. Below are the stories on the more “off-the-wall” picks of Selection Sunday:

Browns select Nickelodeon’s Alex Mack at number 21

The Cleveland Browns began the day’s absurdity by drafting the long-retired Alex Mack from Nickelodeon studios. Actress Larissa Oleynik, who played Mack, got the call at while shopping for new summer shoes at Dillards.

“I was bit surprised, but it’s been about a decade since I played the role of Alex Mack, so I decided to take it,” Oleynik told ESPN this morning. “I wonder how the Browns plan to utilize my acting skills.”

After taking heat for this pick, Erik Mangini said he simply wanted “someone who could shine on and off the field—just like Alex Mack would shine from the industrial accident on TV.”

Brady Quinn refused to comment on the subject and simply shook his head.

Bill Belichick drafts German to keep “lazy Polish guy” in check
The Patriots selected a future all-star in the second round with Sebastian Vollmer, a German native who plays football as if he were raised in Texas. The lineman’s skills were good enough to get him a scholarship to Houston straight out of his German hometown of Kaarst, and certainly to get him into the NFL, but that’s not why he was selected.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Patriots head coach Bill Belichick told reporters, “We like his skill. But basically, it’s the big-bad-German thing that we needed the most. That Polish guy we’ve got at right tackle, Nick Kaczur, has been a major slacker lately. He needs to feel the threat of a German being his neighbor at all times. That ought to get him going.”

Kaczur tried to call Belichick regarding the offensive race-based comments, but the head coach was too busy cutting the sleeves off of several hoodies to take the call.

Titans scramble, blurt out made-up college name—and get a legit 7th round pick
With the clock winding down and no teams willing to trade, the Tennessee Titans panicked and threw out what they thought at the time to be a made-up selection. C.O. Brocato, the teams recruiting director, shouted “Uh… We’ll take that senior Free Safety from North Dakota State” to NFL officials, who quickly confirmed the selection.

“In all seriousness, that was the first university that came to mind,” Brocato said. “I didn’t even know North Dakota had a university at all! It was just dumb luck that it existed!”

Nick Schommer
, the player mistakenly drafted by the Titans, wasn’t offended by the gaffe.

“Are you kidding me? I’m absolutely thrilled to have this chance,” Schommer told reporters while partying at his parents’ house. “I was going to start some dead-end IT job in Fargo this Summer. Now I’m in the NFL!”