Friday, May 8, 2009

Ohio Mother Honored Thru Cheesy Blog Post

Mama, mama. Five boys have conspired to love you. In our manner it takes monumental forces to move us all in the same direction at once. This happens to be one of those cases, and it can in no way be helped or stopped. And for us I think it must be said that Mother’s Day cannot possibly be a happier day for you than it is for each and every one of us. It takes no effort for us to say it, even if you did forget to pick up your poor son from a football game after getting crushed at Liberty.

But no matter, there have been moments galore that helped us all see past such an innocent mistake. A thousand dinners come to mind. And even though some of us did not like tuna casserole as much as others, they have all been appreciated. Perhaps, in retrospect, the total dessert to dinner ratio could have been a little more in our favor but it seems so trivial to dwell upon what might have been.

To this day I can think of not a thing that compares to your house at Christmas time. I am sure it is the most wonderful place in the world when it is in all its majesty. That is a place we all love. Your decorations may still be destroyed by your own children who might have aged past the point of roughhousing around them, but know that they are destroyed with love, steeped in the Christmas spirit. Also, can you make more cookies next year?

Oh, those many times when we kneeled to pray as a family. But what is that sound? “Put that thing back where it came from or so help me! So help me!” It might have been a prayer like no other that evening, but nobody can remember it. Though the Bible fails to preface the pattern of prayer with recitations of from Monster’s Inc., we have been forever taught by this simple delight. You must certainly know how thankful we all are for this.

You baked some cookies recently for one of your sons, for no other reason than you knew he was having a hard time with some things in life. Cookies do not go unnoticed. And yours are the best. Oh, how our wives must toil and regret that no other cookie can hold a candle to yours. But your little one will come to realize that one-day as well. And when he thinks about it, it will recall to mind things that are good. Those good things are often times of your hand.

Once, one of us leaned against you while singing a hymn at church. He heard you singing and was moved to tears because of it. He was very touched by your presence and grew forever thankful to have been given such a mother as you. Many things about how we got so lucky can certainly be explained, but not by us for we do not remember. At some point long ago we became destined to be your sons and you our mother. These United States are so big and many of us are so far away. But our good fortune can never be undone. Thank you mom, we love you. Happy Mother’s Day…

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Obama asks CEO of Hasbro to resign

In another attempt to save the American economy from the tyranny of failed corporate leadership, President Barack Obama asked CEO of toy Hasbro to step down on Thursday. The firm is well known for its ownership of classic, technologically-challenged activities such as Monopoly and Chutes and Ladders. However, despite Hasbro’s consistent popularity throughout the decades, the President just does not feel that the company’s current leadership is taking the necessary steps towards innovation needed for our future.

“Our country is in desperate need of leadership that will take our businesses into the future,” the President said in a statement released to the press. “I was looking at hasbro.com the other day, and noticed that the site was featuring its newest release—another revamp of the classic Monopoly. That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. I mean, how many editions of Monopoly do you have to release before you can admit that you’re out of ideas? It’s time for Hasbro to cut its ties to the past and move on.”

Brian Goldner, who has led the famed manufacturer of children’s toys and goodies since 2008, was floored by the news.

“I’m just… confused,” a flabbergasted Goldner told a media circus outside his home. “Hasbro is doing some seriously good things right now. Is the president not aware that it is OUR toys behind the blockbuster franchise Transformers? I know for a fact that Joe Biden is a fan of that movie. And yeah, we release a new addition of Monopoly almost quarterly, but, jeez, we make a lot of new and ground-breaking toys, too. What does he expect of us?”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs informed news outlets that the President would likely have an audience with the embattled CEO, but did not think the meeting would help Hasbro in the end.

“Once the President makes up his mind, you’d better just count on accepting it,” Gibbs said. “He’s hardly ever wrong, and I don’t see some silly toy-maker having the clout to sway the opinion of the greatest man that has ever lived.”

In related news, Bill Clinton has decided to lobby in behalf of Hasbro in an attempt to get the chance to meet Transformers’ Megan Fox.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Report: 65% of Video Games Addicted to Children

A new study issued by the Gaming Preservation Institute insinuates that American video games are dangerously addicted to children. Though the relationship between video games and children has long been viewed as a toxic one, the GPI now has statistically significant data to confirm these fears after completing its three-year study.

“A rigid balance between enjoying the company of a child and sitting in a drawer collecting dust must be properly maintained in order for the overall health of any video game,” explains GPI front man, DeShaun Malcomb. “No game is less susceptible than another. It is clear that some lines need to be drawn; today’s video games are spending way too much time with American youth.”

A digital Peyton Manning, from EA Sports’ newest release from the Madden franchise, says, “That kid Joey who plays me is intoxicating. I mean, he had me throw for 817 yards in one game last Thursday. That kind of exhilarating power is very addictive. I know I should just back off a little bit but if he is not controlling me 10 minutes after I know he is home from school I start to shake. I need this kid.”

Donald Fullerton’s Mii, lil-Don, does not think that parents need to be concerned about perceived addiction levels or the amount of time video games are spending with their kids.

“I am a complete and total extension of Donald,” says lil-Don. “We even have the same blank and vacant expression. He created me and therefore we are one in the same. Whatever I do, he does. Whatever he does, I do. Any separation between us would cause an irreparable rift in our collective soul and cause serial killing tendencies to surface.”

GPI’s Malcomb knows the challenges facing today’s video games are real. Kids are only evolving more and more free time as schooling and personal work ethics continue to decline causing video game demand to spike higher and higher.

“I have talked to Mario and Luigi about this repeatedly,” says Malcomb. “I tell them, when the kid turns you on you gotta come to the screen and say you’re busy. Tell them you’ll be available some other time. But it’s hard for them; they are addicted to these kids. They think they’ll just pound goombas for a few minutes and the next they know they have been at for three hours. I mean these guys are plumbers; they have other things they need to be doing, like fixing my water softener brine tank.”

Monday, May 4, 2009

Raccoon Attempting To Enter White House Shot Seven Times

The furry black mask worn by a certain Beltway raccoon could not help it slip past White House secret service agents as it was shot dead attempting to enter the president’s residence. The incident occurred at 2:42 AM near the east wing. A flurry of radio communications and flashlight activity preceded the killing as agents scrambled to assume defensive positions against the intruder. When the raccoon failed to respond to vocal commands the agents opened fire.

“We all hate to see this sort of thing happen but it’s all in the job description,” said agent McKay. “The raccoon did not have a press pass, a guest pass, or any of the various other passes we issue. After failing to lay down with its hand behind its head, per our command, we had to shoot it. I mean I was this close to taking out a school girl the other day who had tucked her guest pass under her shirt. There is reason we have passes and that reason is to shoot people/things that don’t have them. I think I have shot a bust of Thomas Jefferson about 18 times.”

Though agents were following standard operating procedures some questions remained about whether or not a raccoon is physically capable of putting its hands behind its head. Representatives from PETA are suggesting is unethical to discriminate against animals that are unable to follow impossible instructions.

“What the agents should have said to the raccoon was ‘knock over the trash cans and make a horrendous mess of everything!’” explains PETA representative Murray Channel. “That way the raccoon is able to comply with a direct order. It is an outrage the Secret Service standard ops are so environmentally outdated. They have not heard the last from us on this issue!”

Agent Sampson thinks the raccoon may have been searching for Easter eggs left behind from the White Houses’ annual Easter Egg Roll.

“The kids did a poor job this year,” said agent Sampson. “They only found about 60% of the eggs we hid around the lawn. I think that raccoon had been searching out the left behind eggs but this was the first time he ventured towards an entrance.”

When asked about whether or not the slaying of a little raccoon was really promoting national security, agent Sampson said that it always better for raccoons to be dead than alive.

“Is it likely that this raccoon was an Iranian spy bent on the destruction of the Office of the President of the United States? No,” said agent Sampson. “But no raccoon is going to hold my president hostage while threatening to nuke Milwaukee on my shift, that is for sure.”

The raccoon slaying of ’09 is not the first critter related slaying at the White House by any means. This incident joins the list with the Great Butterfly Invasion of ’74, the Easter Bunny Tragedy of ’51, and the Hamster Massacre of 1896. In all, seven White House dogs have also been shot after scratching off their collars.