The Office of High Inquisitions and Observations

Obama Peace Prize Linked to Collge Football

2009-10-13T13:04:00.001-07:00

Thorbjorn Jagland was named chairman of the Nobel Prize committee thispast February. Little did the committee know that his real passionwas organized war on the college football field.
Upon hearing President Obama’s plan for the BCS Jagland quickly endorsed Obama for the Nobel Prize and invited others over to his house to watch his beloved Boise State team in his Ikea family room.

“I love the team!” He exclaimed in his office watching a game onESPN360.com. “It is my dream to see Boise State win the National Title.”

The night was filled with blue Kool-Aid, blue berry muffins, and a contest to yell “First and ten!” without an accent.

“I knew that in order to see the change that this world really needs (The downfall of the BCS), we would need a leader like President Obama. With his ambition, political push, and obvious athletic ability,being black, now was the time to act. The prize would be an undisputable argument in favor of the President.”

The BCS (Bowl College Series) is a system in college football that ranks teams with a point system to deem them worthy for a national title and other prestigious games. Many around the US and Sweden, including Obama and Jagland, feel strongly that a playoff system is needed.

“It’s simply stupid.” Obama said. “What other system to do you know ofthat automatically selects candidates according to their organization and provides them the only real chance to win? It’s biased and unfair,and only results in an undeserved champion.”

Despite Jagland’s passion for football, the committee is foreign toAmerican football. Jagland found a way to address football and Obama’s nomination with careful diction and Nobel Prize jargon.

“I said that Obama should be named the winner, ‘for his efforts to strengthen cooperation between peoples to meet global peace,’” said Jaglund. “It alludes to global affairs and peace, without being specific to the situation.”

Other committee members had no comment on the matter.“It starts here,” smiled a Thorbjorn sporting his favorite Boise Statehat, “First the Peace Prize, then the National Title!”

Nintendo to release new “Wiiconomics: Obama Edition” game

2009-06-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

While the auto industry suffered a huge blow today with GM officially filing for bankruptcy, the gaming arena seems to be doing just fine—especially if you’re Nintendo. The Japanese-based company announced today that it would be releasing its newest addition to the already stellar line-up of innovative and physically interactive games for its hit console, the Wii. The name of the game: Wiiconomics: Obama Edition.

Working closely with both the President and key members of his administration, such as Tim Geithner and Hillary Clinton, Wiiconomics: Obama Edition—or WOE as insiders have nicknamed it—allows the player to take the helm of White House fiscal policy and crush recessions and depressions with brute force. The game is intended to be both educational and good for your heart; you must use your brain-power while balancing on the Wii Fit to execute your moves.

“I find the game not only practical and realistic, but also damn entertaining,” an exuberant Geithner told reporters. “You really have to try hard to stay balanced on the Wii Fit while pushing your foot down on the throat of GM executives. But despite the strain, it’s so much fun to watch the life drain from their faces! It’s just like real life!”

But Geithner wasn’t the only one to give such a rave review. The president himself—whose endorsements are viewed as the Breath of Life—lauded the game and is encouraging Congress to write legislation requiring tax payer monies to pay for its dispersal across the nation.

“Naturally, it only took me an hour to beat the whole game,” Obama said, “but don’t expect to do that yourself. After all, this game is based on my economic prowess, so it’s no surprise that I rock the game.”

The president said that his favorite part of the game was when the player is faced with the end boss, the Beast of Capitalism. He said he enjoyed how the player was required to twist and squeeze the Wii controllers in a choking motion to suffocate the enemy.

“It’s just as I envisioned myself doing in the near future,” Obama beamed.

Nintendo says that this will be the first of many such games, and that gamers should anticipate the next version of Wiiconomics to be based on the policies of FDR. Much of this game, it is admitted, will involve having half your Wiiple dig a hole while the other half fill it.

Sotomayor clarifies "white male" remark, cites Homer Simpson, Tim Taylor

2009-05-27T19:29:00.004-07:00

Only moments after being nominated to fill the vacancy in the Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor is getting a lot of heat for a comment she made back in 2001. While addressing an Hispanic group at Berkley, Sotomayor said that she "would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experience would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life." Now the soon-to-be-first-Latina-on-the-bench is on the defensive.

"Look, first of all, that comment was made about eight years ago," Sotomayor told reporters. "At the time, I was watching a lot of Simpsons and Home Improvement to relax from my daily stresses, and let's be honest, those shows don't really highlight the intellectual aptitude of Whitey."

Sotomayor did point out that Homer Simpson himself had enjoyed a wealth of experiences beyond her own, but quickly claimed that if she had flown into space, commanded a nuclear submarine and won a Grammy--just as Mr. Simpson had--she would be able to draw crucial life lessons therefrom and be a better judge, instead of being a lazy, good-for-nothing power plant technician.

"The same goes for the Tool Man," Sotomayor continued. "I mean, how many times do you have to have a weed whacker engine blow up in your face before you realize that you probably shouldn't tweak things like that? It's for things like this that I feel that a Latina could do a better job. Of course, I've met some stellar white men since then, like Joe Biden, so there's some room for exception."

Jorge Martinez, who was present at the 2001 Berkley conference where the controversial comment was made, said that the gaffe shouldn't be taken seriously at all.

"The phrase is completely out of context," he said. "You see, we were all high at that conference. No, not because we're Hispanic. Why on earth would you make that generalization? No, it's because we were students at Berkley, and Berkley students are perpetually high. Sonia also laughed for 30 minutes at a butterfly, but nobody is whining about that. Let's just drop it, okay?"

Regardless of all the stupid things Sotomayor had said and done in her past, Congress is expected to confirm her nomination after a series of charades and shenanigans that make it appear that they are truly trying to grill the judicial candidate.

Obama Calls Giant Robot Destroying Chicago a ‘Grave Threat’

2009-05-25T11:42:00.001-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/05/25/us.north.korea.react/index.html

Mark Dunlop dove to the ground for cover as a giant 75 foot robot destroyed the apartment complex he had been living in. Getting up, covered in dust and debris, Mark grabbed his family and ran down the road further south away from danger. Chicago has been under siege for two days and hundreds of thousands of residents have fled the area. After much deliberation and review, the Obama administration has come out with a statement about the situation.

Standing at the podium with a handful of papers the president explained to the gathered press that the administration views the giant killer robot as a “grave threat.” The president then began to step down from the podium at which point journalist Debbie Newsome stood up and asked the president for further clarification.

Reluctantly the president retook his stand at the podium and repeated the administrations stance on the situation.

“Soooo, what are we going to do about it?” asked Newsome.

The president furled his brow, clearly perplexed by Mrs. Newsome’s confusing logic. “What do you mean? I just told you what are doing. We are unmistakably labeling the robot as a threat. We labeled any and all killer robots a threat five months ago and our stance has not changed. Can you believe this thing is just violating all sorts of UN Security Council agreements?”

“But why didn’t we do anything five months ago to prevent this current situation?” asked a persistent Mrs. Newsome.

“We did do something. We labeled it a threat,” replied the flabbergasted president.

“So why is a killer giant death robot destroying Chicago?” responded Mrs. Newsome.

“A killer robot is destroying my hometown because they are threats and that’s what threats do,” explained the president very slowly so that Mrs. Newsome could better understand him.

“It is the same thing as North Korea,” continued the president. “We have labeled them as a threat too. Soon enough a devastating nuclear tragedy will befall the United States and we will say, ‘Told you they were a threat. We called it.’ And then I will be vindicated as great.”

In related news, democrats in Congress voted today to label everything under the sun as a threat so that if anything ever happens they will not have been wrong about it.

Costco Now Only Accepting Silver Dollars Minted Before 1977

2009-05-20T22:01:00.002-07:00

Bulk foods store, Costco, announced today a plan to increase the chain’s exclusivity/annoyance factor. The effort to both set its self apart from other stores and solidify its reputation as most annoying place on the face of the earth culminated in the store’s decision to only accept silver dollars minted before the year 1977 Anno Domini, The move only angered the customers who have not yet been completely brainwashed thru the various free samples offered in the store aisles.

“We want our customers to feel like they are special; like they are in a place unlike any other,” says store manager Troy Winfeld. “That is why we don’t accept the same trash other stores do. If we don’t keep our image we’ll end up just like a host of other successful stores.”

Kevin Southman came to the store today to buy 482 fl. oz. of ketchup but was turned away at the register because he forgot his silver dollars.

“I just pulled out my card and the cashier burned my face with her laser eyes,” says Kevin. “I mean, jeez! This card is accepted in every other place of business within a 2000 mile radius of this spot.”

Seventy-four year old, Edith Pederson, was seen breathing heavily making her way into the store from the parking lot. The extra weight of lugging hundreds of dollars worth of silver coins in her cart does not seem to have dampened her spirits any.

“It’s a little extra work but, you know, it keeps out the riff-raff,” says Edith. And I don’t have room for groceries in my cart anymore but that’s okay. Oh, excuse me. I have to go find that cute old man serving the clam chowder cups”

This new policy is beginning to push some people over the edge. Gus Hartvedt describes himself as a happy-go-lucky optimist. But when he steps inside a Costco he puts his wife on suicide watch duty.

“The soul crushing disparity under those halogen bulbs destroys my will to live,” says Gus. “I don’t know what is worse, the face that somebody decided to make a 15 pound jar of pickles, or that I always buy them.”

“The regular laws of human intuition do not apply inside of Costco,” says University of Virginia psychology professor, Lyle Gummot. “Nobody who is acting in their natural state of mind would buy 360 slices of synthetic cheese and pay for it with silver dollars. In fact, I think the whole Matrix movie franchise was thought up after a trip to Costco.”

In addition to its recent silver dollar manifesto, Costco is mulling restricting store ID’s to those who will tattoo “Kirkland” on their eyelids.

Ugly Duckling Not A Baby Swan But Actual Ugly Duck

2009-05-19T18:10:00.002-07:00

The banks of the Iowa River near the campus of the University of Iowa in Iowa City, IA have long a been a popular spot to feed the ducks. Despite its already popular reputation, citizens and students have been flocking to the riverbank for a different reason. These come not to feed him, but to mock, point and laugh at one hideously ugly duckling.

Born just this spring, the duckling has been named Petrus by ill-wishers who come to throw bolts and batteries at the poorly favored waterfowl. Not only are humans quick to mock Petrus; his fellow ducks break into fits of laughter whenever he is around.

“There ain’t no swan in this story,” says humanities major, Brian Bitner. “That is just a bone-fide ugly duck.”

As a matter of fact, many of the river’s swans make it a point to peck the duckling in the face whenever they are nearby.

“No fairy tale here,” says Blanco, one of the river’s swans. “He’ll grow up to be the most disgusting duck in the history of duck-lore. He is a Darwinian mystery. Normally a duck like this would not survive but I am guessing he will just because he is so much fun to laugh at. His ugliness will be his bane, and his only hope.”

Even the duck’s own mother couldn’t offer any words of encouragement. “It is what it is,” she says. “I mean, you look up ugly in the dictionary and there is a picture of Philadelphia Phillies right fielder, Jason Werth. But then in the footnotes there is a picture of Petrus."

Long time duck feeder, Maye Abeford, says that it is not what’s on the outside that counts, but what’s on the inside. “And what’s on the inside are the ugliest duck guts you could ever find anywhere on all the face of this great earth,” she concludes.

One University of Iowa math professor has promised extra credit to any of his students who are able to quantify the duck’s ugliness in terms of a mathematical equation. University hospital residents have come across a new form of flesh-eating bacteria that they have named “Petrus” in honor of the duck.

The duck does bring a certain aspect of danger to the community. Eighteen people were admitted to intensive care for laughter related injuries when an equally ugly pug mauled the duckling last Friday.

Senator Robert Byrd diagnosed with “C. Montgomery Burnsism”

2009-05-18T13:53:00.001-07:00

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/05/18/byrd-hospitalized-for-infection/

Senator Robert Byrd spent most of his weekend at the hospital after an infection caused him to spike a fever. The 91-year-old legislator from West Virginia has seen his fair share of illnesses during his long tenure on Capitol Hill, and many of his supporters are fearing that this could be the end of Byrd’s illustrious career. However, the senator’s doctors say these fears are not only unfounded, but at complete odds with their latest diagnosis.

“Mr. Byrd has what the medical world calls ‘C. Montgomery Burnsism,’” said Byrd’s lead medical advisor, Dr. Julius Hibbert. “Basically, the combination of Senator Byrd’s old age and deteriorating immune system has allowed every known communicable disease to enter his body. However, these diseases are all competing with each other for the chance to kill the man, thus neutralizing every illness within him.”

Doctors are saying that whereas the curmudgeonly politician walks a razor thin edge in regards to his health, they feel the competing diseases will likely allow the senator to have at least another quarter century of uninterrupted legislating.

“We are thrilled with this news,” said Byrd’s Chief of Staff Barbara Videnieks. “In recent decades, all we’ve needed to win an election in this state was a clean bill of health. Now we’ve got a green light for the next 25 years! We can coast for a bit now.”

Most West Virginians aren’t sure why they keep electing the aged Byrd back into office, but despite this, they don’t see any reason to look to anyone new to fill the seat.

“If you think about it, the fact that the man is still breathing means he’s at least meeting the status quo compared to other senators,” registered voter Matthew Davis told pollsters today. “He’s doing just as little for the nation as every one else on Capitol Hill, so why change things?”

Byrd is expected to return to his Senate seat next week, but was told by lead Democrats to take his time as they really have nothing pressing at the moment and won’t be getting around to anything new in the immediate future.

University of Notre Dame to replace well-known mural with President Obama’s image

2009-05-17T19:21:00.001-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/05/16/obama.notre.dame/index.html

Following a series of controversies that had become a major embarrassment for the University of Notre Dame and left-leaning Catholics across the globe, the school’s president, Rev. John I. Jenkins, declared that the institution would make up for the ill behavior of its “crazy right-wing students” by replacing the famous Touchdown Jesus with Touchdown Obama. The move has already received praise by the White House as “a bold and profound statement of tolerance and bipartisanship.”

Protests had been taking place all week on the university’s campus regarding the President’s controversial visit. As a pro-choice advocate, many felt that Obama was simply not welcome at a school whose faith is opposed to the practice.

“It just isn’t right to have a baby killer give a speech at this distinguished university,” Notre Dame senior Eric O’Malley said during a protest, just moments before getting tazed. “Evil isn’t allowed here. Oh, except for Charlie Weiss, but we always let the football team skirt the rules.”

Much to the chagrin of Jenkins and others who favored Obama’s visit, the protesters continued to display their outrage, even during the President’s speech.

“We are very much aware of the unspoken ‘do-not-speak-ill-of-Obama’ rule that was instituted during the primary campaigns last year,” Jenkins told reporters. “I guess some of our student body chose to ignore that rule. So, in an effort to reestablish peace with the White House, we are going to paint Obama’s image on the Hesburgh Library. That should convey the message that we are not against our dear President, and will hopefully spare us his wrath.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President was delighted with the gesture and felt the offering was indeed worthy of earning favor with the White House.

“The President is a big time sports fan,” Gibbs told the press, “and Touchdown Obama will only add to the great collection of sports memorabilia he has acquired in his magnificent tenure. The President is sure that his image behind Notre Dame’s stadium will actually help the football team score some touchdowns this upcoming season.”

Many of the protesters from Sunday’s speech spent the night either in jail or in the hospital, recovering from “peace-keeping” actions from the police. Although they had been very disruptive both before and during the speech, President Obama did not harbor any hatred for them.

“I forgive them,” Obama said this morning, “for they know not what they do.”

Celebrity edition of Hell’s Kitchen canceled after one episode following spontaneous creation of Black Hole

2009-05-17T19:17:00.001-07:00

Fans of the controversial Fox reality show, Hell’s Kitchen, are dealing with heartache tonight. Producers of the cooking-based contest, in which graduates of the Job Corps tolerate a verbal accosting by foul-mouthed British chef Gordon Ramsey in hopes of winning their own restaurant, had promised a celebrity version in which hot-headed stars with rampant tempers would compete for their favored charity. Sadly, the show had to be canceled after one recording session, as heated tempers amongst the contestants exploded, forming a new black hole in downtown Los Angeles.

Executive Producer Arthur Smith said that he had envisioned a wonderfully hostile show featuring some of the nation’s most notorious tantrum throwers. Inviting the likes of Christian Bale, Senator John McCain, the Gallagher Brothers from the pop-rock band Oasis and Chicago Cubs Manager Lou Panella, Smith had hoped for an expletive-ridden environment that Americans just wouldn’t be able to turn off.

“The idea looked really good on paper,” Smith said in the aftermath of the show. “And everyone was on board with it from the beginning. But within 10 minutes of filming the first kitchen scene, Chef Ramsey had blocked a camera shot of Christian Bale. A shouting match ensued… and it got really ugly, really fast.”

Eyewitness say that after Bale and Ramsey had sworn at each other for 13 minutes, Senator McCain threw himself into the fray, using choice words to voice his disapproval of their opposition to his immigration bill. Panella quickly came to the aid of Bale, and when Ramsey tried to eject him from the kitchen, the venerated manager found some sand and kicked it all over the Hell’s Kitchen welcome mat, effectively covering the mat and its logo entirely.

“The Gallagher brothers, however,” Smith explained, “refrained from joining the main fight and just beat each other senseless with pots and rolling pins.”

After tempers had raged for nearly two hours, the lights in the restaurant curiously began to wane, and energy seemed to be drawn towards the central point of the conflict. Physicist Stephen Hawking, a longtime fan of the show who was on sight per invitation by Ramsey, knew immediately what was happening.

“The enormous amounts of negative energy spewing forth from the group was countering the energy of the environment around them,” Hawking clarified. “I knew that it was only moments before this energy imploded on itself. Luckily, I recently had a V8 engine installed on my chair, so I quickly got the hell out of there.”

President Obama is expected to ask Congress for $800 billion in stimulus money to find a way to close the black hole before it destroys all of California.

Joe Jonas to be replaced by Axl Rose in upcoming Summer Tour

2009-05-12T15:11:00.001-07:00

The fragile hearts of teenage and “tweeny”-aged girls were crushed today when Kevin Jonas Sr.—the boys’ father and manager—announced that lead singer Joe Jonas had swallowed a golf ball on a dare, damaging his vocal chords and sidelining the heartthrob for the upcoming summer tour. Although the absence of the beloved front man will hinder the tour, Jonas Sr. said it won’t cancel it, and that they found a replacement in Guns n’ Roses vocalist Axl Rose.

“Axl actually wasn’t our first choice,” Jonas said. “We tried to get Josh Groban, who respectfully declined. Then I tried to get Brad Paisley, who said he’d think about it and then drove to my house to punch me in the face for insulting him like that. In a panic, I called up Rose, and surprisingly he agreed to do it.”

Rose will bring a different edge to the pop-icon’s teen-girl oriented music, and despite having scared thousands of twelve-year-olds out of their minds after they YouTubed the singer to see how he’d look with their teen idols, he feels he’ll be ready by the beginning of the tour.

“My approach is simple,” Rose informed Seventeen magazine this morning. “I get really drunk, smoke a pack before the show, and scream my heart out. It worked in the 80’s and 90’s. It’ll work now. Oh, I’ll also call up Slash and insult his mother, just to get extra fired up.”

Rose said he has no intention of actually learning the songs for the tour, and will just follow the lead of the band.

As part of the agreement, Kevin Jonas Sr. said that the Jonas Bothers will perform a few G n’ R hits from their latest album during the lineup. However, guitarists Kevin Jr. and Nick Jonas aren’t too sure about performing the difficult solos of Ron Thal and Slash on stage.

“This is [bleep]ing impossible,” a visibly frustrated Nick Jonas said at a recent practice session. “I just learned a Dm7 chord, and that took months to get down. I can’t play this!”

All ticket sales for the tour now come with the disclaimer that the band is not responsible for the 40 year old women in acid wash jeans who take their shirts off during the performance.

Dozens killed, hundreds more injured on opening day of “Bike-to-Work Week”

2009-05-11T08:23:00.000-07:00

http://www.ireport.com/ir-topic-stories.jspa?topicId=255316

Thousands of Americans across the nation traded in their car keys for their ten-speeds this morning in a joint effort with the League of American Bicyclists to ride their bikes to work this entire week. According to the LAB, May is National Bike Month, and it is hoped that this week long campaign will get more Americans hooked on the cost-saving, health-promoting benefits of taking their bicycles to work instead of their motor vehicles.

However, things did not turn out like anyone had anticipated.

Within the first 30 minutes of the morning commute on the east coast, reports of bicycle crashes and other related incidents began to flow into the police beat. Crowds of bikers mixed with motorized commuters proved to be a dangerous—and deadly—combination.

“We’ve treated thirteen heart attacks, four hernias and at least twenty torn hamstrings this morning alone,” said ER doctor Coy Henderson of Atlanta’s Saint Joseph Hospital. “I’ve never seen anything like this. To make matters worse, every single patient seems to be wearing a spandex outfit that is at least three sizes too small for them. We’ve had to put one of our orderlies on scissor sharpening duties just to keep up with all the clothing removal needed.”

Witnesses say it appeared that the majority of the “Bike-to-Work” cyclists simply had forgotten how to ride a bicycle.

“I saw one guy ride right over the edge of a cliff and into the ocean,” said Kevin DeMille of Seattle. “We were all riding downhill, and there was a somewhat tight curve. The man didn’t even attempt to turn. He just peddled himself into the drink and never resurfaced!”

“Oh, I’m not actually hurt,” whispered Frank Sorensen at a Salt Lake City hospital, “I just pooped my pants while peddling uphill and didn’t want to go into work or back home with that kind of shame. I faked chest pain to get in here and have a nurse clean me up. You’ll keep my name anonymous, won’t you?”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi commented recently that whereas this is a terrible tragedy, especially for those who died, it presents an opportunity for the greater good.

“As you know, unemployment is at its highest point since 1983,” Pelosi said. “So the more these cycling commuters are killed on the way to work, the more jobs will open up for the unemployed. Plus, it appears that it is the obese and out of shape that are dying, and they will be replaced by thin people who are lean because they’ve been unemployed and haven’t eaten for months. So this will in turn help change America’s fatty image.”

Experts anticipate that at least 400 people will be dead by the end of this week from biking to work.

Ohio Mother Honored Thru Cheesy Blog Post

2009-05-08T19:37:00.002-07:00

Mama, mama. Five boys have conspired to love you. In our manner it takes monumental forces to move us all in the same direction at once. This happens to be one of those cases, and it can in no way be helped or stopped. And for us I think it must be said that Mother’s Day cannot possibly be a happier day for you than it is for each and every one of us. It takes no effort for us to say it, even if you did forget to pick up your poor son from a football game after getting crushed at Liberty.

But no matter, there have been moments galore that helped us all see past such an innocent mistake. A thousand dinners come to mind. And even though some of us did not like tuna casserole as much as others, they have all been appreciated. Perhaps, in retrospect, the total dessert to dinner ratio could have been a little more in our favor but it seems so trivial to dwell upon what might have been.

To this day I can think of not a thing that compares to your house at Christmas time. I am sure it is the most wonderful place in the world when it is in all its majesty. That is a place we all love. Your decorations may still be destroyed by your own children who might have aged past the point of roughhousing around them, but know that they are destroyed with love, steeped in the Christmas spirit. Also, can you make more cookies next year?

Oh, those many times when we kneeled to pray as a family. But what is that sound? “Put that thing back where it came from or so help me! So help me!” It might have been a prayer like no other that evening, but nobody can remember it. Though the Bible fails to preface the pattern of prayer with recitations of from Monster’s Inc., we have been forever taught by this simple delight. You must certainly know how thankful we all are for this.

You baked some cookies recently for one of your sons, for no other reason than you knew he was having a hard time with some things in life. Cookies do not go unnoticed. And yours are the best. Oh, how our wives must toil and regret that no other cookie can hold a candle to yours. But your little one will come to realize that one-day as well. And when he thinks about it, it will recall to mind things that are good. Those good things are often times of your hand.

Once, one of us leaned against you while singing a hymn at church. He heard you singing and was moved to tears because of it. He was very touched by your presence and grew forever thankful to have been given such a mother as you. Many things about how we got so lucky can certainly be explained, but not by us for we do not remember. At some point long ago we became destined to be your sons and you our mother. These United States are so big and many of us are so far away. But our good fortune can never be undone. Thank you mom, we love you. Happy Mother’s Day…

Obama asks CEO of Hasbro to resign

2009-05-07T08:34:00.001-07:00

In another attempt to save the American economy from the tyranny of failed corporate leadership, President Barack Obama asked CEO of toy Hasbro to step down on Thursday. The firm is well known for its ownership of classic, technologically-challenged activities such as Monopoly and Chutes and Ladders. However, despite Hasbro’s consistent popularity throughout the decades, the President just does not feel that the company’s current leadership is taking the necessary steps towards innovation needed for our future.

“Our country is in desperate need of leadership that will take our businesses into the future,” the President said in a statement released to the press. “I was looking at hasbro.com the other day, and noticed that the site was featuring its newest release—another revamp of the classic Monopoly. That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. I mean, how many editions of Monopoly do you have to release before you can admit that you’re out of ideas? It’s time for Hasbro to cut its ties to the past and move on.”

Brian Goldner, who has led the famed manufacturer of children’s toys and goodies since 2008, was floored by the news.

“I’m just… confused,” a flabbergasted Goldner told a media circus outside his home. “Hasbro is doing some seriously good things right now. Is the president not aware that it is OUR toys behind the blockbuster franchise Transformers? I know for a fact that Joe Biden is a fan of that movie. And yeah, we release a new addition of Monopoly almost quarterly, but, jeez, we make a lot of new and ground-breaking toys, too. What does he expect of us?”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs informed news outlets that the President would likely have an audience with the embattled CEO, but did not think the meeting would help Hasbro in the end.

“Once the President makes up his mind, you’d better just count on accepting it,” Gibbs said. “He’s hardly ever wrong, and I don’t see some silly toy-maker having the clout to sway the opinion of the greatest man that has ever lived.”

In related news, Bill Clinton has decided to lobby in behalf of Hasbro in an attempt to get the chance to meet Transformers’ Megan Fox.

Report: 65% of Video Games Addicted to Children

2009-05-06T12:38:00.001-07:00

A new study issued by the Gaming Preservation Institute insinuates that American video games are dangerously addicted to children. Though the relationship between video games and children has long been viewed as a toxic one, the GPI now has statistically significant data to confirm these fears after completing its three-year study.

“A rigid balance between enjoying the company of a child and sitting in a drawer collecting dust must be properly maintained in order for the overall health of any video game,” explains GPI front man, DeShaun Malcomb. “No game is less susceptible than another. It is clear that some lines need to be drawn; today’s video games are spending way too much time with American youth.”

A digital Peyton Manning, from EA Sports’ newest release from the Madden franchise, says, “That kid Joey who plays me is intoxicating. I mean, he had me throw for 817 yards in one game last Thursday. That kind of exhilarating power is very addictive. I know I should just back off a little bit but if he is not controlling me 10 minutes after I know he is home from school I start to shake. I need this kid.”

Donald Fullerton’s Mii, lil-Don, does not think that parents need to be concerned about perceived addiction levels or the amount of time video games are spending with their kids.

“I am a complete and total extension of Donald,” says lil-Don. “We even have the same blank and vacant expression. He created me and therefore we are one in the same. Whatever I do, he does. Whatever he does, I do. Any separation between us would cause an irreparable rift in our collective soul and cause serial killing tendencies to surface.”

GPI’s Malcomb knows the challenges facing today’s video games are real. Kids are only evolving more and more free time as schooling and personal work ethics continue to decline causing video game demand to spike higher and higher.

“I have talked to Mario and Luigi about this repeatedly,” says Malcomb. “I tell them, when the kid turns you on you gotta come to the screen and say you’re busy. Tell them you’ll be available some other time. But it’s hard for them; they are addicted to these kids. They think they’ll just pound goombas for a few minutes and the next they know they have been at for three hours. I mean these guys are plumbers; they have other things they need to be doing, like fixing my water softener brine tank.”

Raccoon Attempting To Enter White House Shot Seven Times

2009-05-04T14:12:00.003-07:00

The furry black mask worn by a certain Beltway raccoon could not help it slip past White House secret service agents as it was shot dead attempting to enter the president’s residence. The incident occurred at 2:42 AM near the east wing. A flurry of radio communications and flashlight activity preceded the killing as agents scrambled to assume defensive positions against the intruder. When the raccoon failed to respond to vocal commands the agents opened fire.

“We all hate to see this sort of thing happen but it’s all in the job description,” said agent McKay. “The raccoon did not have a press pass, a guest pass, or any of the various other passes we issue. After failing to lay down with its hand behind its head, per our command, we had to shoot it. I mean I was this close to taking out a school girl the other day who had tucked her guest pass under her shirt. There is reason we have passes and that reason is to shoot people/things that don’t have them. I think I have shot a bust of Thomas Jefferson about 18 times.”

Though agents were following standard operating procedures some questions remained about whether or not a raccoon is physically capable of putting its hands behind its head. Representatives from PETA are suggesting is unethical to discriminate against animals that are unable to follow impossible instructions.

“What the agents should have said to the raccoon was ‘knock over the trash cans and make a horrendous mess of everything!’” explains PETA representative Murray Channel. “That way the raccoon is able to comply with a direct order. It is an outrage the Secret Service standard ops are so environmentally outdated. They have not heard the last from us on this issue!”

Agent Sampson thinks the raccoon may have been searching for Easter eggs left behind from the White Houses’ annual Easter Egg Roll.

“The kids did a poor job this year,” said agent Sampson. “They only found about 60% of the eggs we hid around the lawn. I think that raccoon had been searching out the left behind eggs but this was the first time he ventured towards an entrance.”

When asked about whether or not the slaying of a little raccoon was really promoting national security, agent Sampson said that it always better for raccoons to be dead than alive.

“Is it likely that this raccoon was an Iranian spy bent on the destruction of the Office of the President of the United States? No,” said agent Sampson. “But no raccoon is going to hold my president hostage while threatening to nuke Milwaukee on my shift, that is for sure.”

The raccoon slaying of ’09 is not the first critter related slaying at the White House by any means. This incident joins the list with the Great Butterfly Invasion of ’74, the Easter Bunny Tragedy of ’51, and the Hamster Massacre of 1896. In all, seven White House dogs have also been shot after scratching off their collars.

Hugh Jackman caught screaming in presence of harmless spider

2009-04-30T20:51:00.001-07:00

Only hours before the worldwide premier of the highly anticipated action-thriller X-Men Origins: Wolverine, actor Hugh Jackman—who plays the manly hero Wolverine—was witnessed screaming like a four-year-old girl after seeing a small brown spider scurry across the ground as he was being harassed by the paparazzi. Critics now say the film has lost all appeal, and that the character played by Jackman can no longer be taken seriously.

“It was a saddening sight,” said movie blogger Dan Clover. “Here you have the baddest dude in show business, the great Wolverine, and the man was frightened by a tiny spider.”

Jackman tried to play off the incident as an ironic joke, insisting that the scream was way too girly to not have been done on purpose.

“C’mon guys,” Jackman pleaded to the cameras. “How could anyone with pecs like mine be spooked by that thing? It was a spoof! You gotta believe me!”

The incident has caused speculation that behind the rugged Australian façade, Jackman is, at heart, a flagrant pansy. While most who know the actor are denying this speculation, others who have worked more closely with Jackman say otherwise. Nicole Kidman, for instance, revealed a shocking event from the recently released Australia, in which the two were the star actors.

“During one of the breaks,” Kidman texted reporters, “A koala sidled up to Jackman, and he crapped his pants forthright. He blamed it on some undercooked pork he had eaten earlier, but now I realize the man is simply a nancy and scared of a docile marsupial.”

Wolverine is still expected to fare well this weekend, but the overall franchise will likely suffer in the long run. Toys R’ Us has already pulled all Wolverine action figures from the shelves and transferred them to the girls’ section, next to the Barbies.

“We just feel that little girls relate more to the Wolverine now than boys do,” Toys R’ Us spokesman Geoffrey G. Raffe said.

Obama Signs Up For Night Classes at Gerogetown Unversity

2009-04-29T22:09:00.001-07:00

Frustrated and perplexed by the enormous learning curve he has faced during his first 100 days as President, Obama signed up for night school at Georgetown to increase his knowledge base. The President is taking mostly economic classes as he tries to figure out what in the world is going on in the universe around him.

President Obama has so far had a tremendous amount of fun drawing supply and demand curves in Econ 101 and determining how much utility can really be derived by multiple slices of pizza. With the first test of the semester coming up in two weeks the president has been hard at work learning and defining textbook terms.

“I have the terms ‘Monetary’ and ‘Fiscal Policy’ highlighted with bright yellow highlighter in my book,” said an excited Head of State. “I can rattle off the definitions for you verbatim but I still don’t have any idea what practical applications they really have on a national economy.”
Earlier in the week the president touted his $3.5 trillion budget as the means whereby the nation will emerge from the ashes of a decimated economy and create a sustainable foundation for a new and robust economy in the future. However, the president confided to his aids that the above-mentioned rhetoric does not seem to jive with the basic economic principals he is learning in his Econ 101 class.

“Well, we just started really and we still have a lot to learn,” says Obama. “I bet there is a chapter towards the back entitled ‘How to overtax and handcuff private business but still have that great economy you promised everybody.’ That will be an exciting chapter.”

While many simple minded Americans are struggling with the idea of how making things more difficult for the private sector through higher taxes, more red tape and oversight, will somehow translate into a viable and dependable economy, the Obama administration assures them that they are much smarter than they are.

“I’m sick of markets controlling the economy!” says an upset Vice President Biden. “I’d stab Adam Smith’s invisible hand if I could find out where the hell it is! No, no. You want a nice, round, obese government to drive the whole thing.”

According to the Obama camp’s logic, private business is too unstable to perpetuate a healthy economy. Instead the government must do it. First you grow the government by setting a $3.5 trillion budget. Next you slowly raise taxes on everything that can possibly be taxed. Now the private sector can barely operate and individuals have no discretionary income because it is all going to the government. Your government is now the only thing that can move anything in the economy because private business and individuals, along with their petty and unstable whims, have been neutralized.

“And when businesses are no longer motivated by the impossible prospect of making any money America will grow stale and China will be poised to crush us all!” exclaimed Speaker of the House Pelosi. “It is our solemn responsibility to destroy anything we have that is of any worth compared to someone else. I am sure China will return the favor.”

“Yeah, none of this stuff even remotely gels with basic economic principals,” said the president. “But nothing I learned my first few weeks in Country Line Dancing made any sense either.”

Porky Pig Arrested on Bio-terrorism, Swine Flu Charges

2009-04-28T17:22:00.002-07:00

Fun-loving, stuttering Porky Pig showed his evil side today as police led him towards a waiting cruiser. The corpulent pig swore at waiting photographers and displayed a demeanor void of remorse after being picked up on charges related to recent swine flu outbreaks in Mexico and the US. Porky is currently being held in a San Antonio prison waiting to be arraigned on bio-terrorism charges.

"G-g-get, g-g-get, g-g let go of me!” the angry pig cried as police used their might to restrain him

Detectives located the pig as they traced outbreak locations to a farm near Porky’s residence in west Texas. Though Porky had gone into hiding by the time detectives arrived, a search warrant allowed on-scene investigators to locate several beakers and test tubes believed to be used as swine flu cultivators. Porky used these cultivated strains to contaminate ground water wells all over the western part of the state. Two days later police caught up with the fugitive at a hotel in Amarillo.

Daffy Duck, a long friend/nemesis of the pig is having a hard time believing Porky was smart enough to pull off such an elaborate scheme.

“I guess his own bout with swine flu gave him more wit than I ever remember him having,” said a skeptical Daffy. “Not a chance in a million that he could have hatched a plot like this himself. I’ll paint a moustache on every picture I see if it’s true.”

Angry citizens on both sides of the boarder say that Sylvester the cat is mostly to blame for Porky’s deranged state, and many vigilantly swine flu carriers are organizing cat-hunts to bring Sylvester to justice.

“That cat is bad news,” says Emanuel Cueto. “He never lets that pig sleep at night. It is well documented; I have seen the footage myself. I blame the cat for turning that pig into a bio-terrorist psycho.”

Though nobody knows for sure, it seems Porky came down with a severe sore throat several years ago. Left untreated the virus morphed into swine flu by virtue of Porky being, in fact, a pig. Patient confidentiality acts prevent the public from knowing if Porky had ever been treated for the disease but findings at his residence clearly indicate that he was both infected and cultivating the virus.

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said today during a scheduled press conference that the president would probably appoint a director to head up the swine flu situation.

“And after that appointment backs out because of unresolved tax issues we’ll appoint another one, and so forth,” said Gibbs

Loony Tunes has pulled its branded line of surgical masks off store shelf’s and currently has no intention of reintroducing them.

2009 NFL Draft chock full of shocking, irrelevant picks

2009-04-27T18:56:00.002-07:00

http://www.nfl.com/draft/2009/tracker#dt-tabs:dt-by-round/dt-by-round-input:1

The 2009 NFL Draft concluded its 7-round fiesta Sunday evening with what might be described as the goofiest selection event in the game’s history. Although some picks were easily expected—such as Detroit shamelessly ruining the career of young star quarterback Matthew Stafford before his rookie year has even begun—others were nothing short of absurd. Below are the stories on the more “off-the-wall” picks of Selection Sunday:

Browns select Nickelodeon’s Alex Mack at number 21
The Cleveland Browns began the day’s absurdity by drafting the long-retired Alex Mack from Nickelodeon studios. Actress Larissa Oleynik, who played Mack, got the call at while shopping for new summer shoes at Dillards.

“I was bit surprised, but it’s been about a decade since I played the role of Alex Mack, so I decided to take it,” Oleynik told ESPN this morning. “I wonder how the Browns plan to utilize my acting skills.”

After taking heat for this pick, Erik Mangini said he simply wanted “someone who could shine on and off the field—just like Alex Mack would shine from the industrial accident on TV.”

Brady Quinn refused to comment on the subject and simply shook his head.

Bill Belichick drafts German to keep “lazy Polish guy” in check
The Patriots selected a future all-star in the second round with Sebastian Vollmer, a German native who plays football as if he were raised in Texas. The lineman’s skills were good enough to get him a scholarship to Houston straight out of his German hometown of Kaarst, and certainly to get him into the NFL, but that’s not why he was selected.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Patriots head coach Bill Belichick told reporters, “We like his skill. But basically, it’s the big-bad-German thing that we needed the most. That Polish guy we’ve got at right tackle, Nick Kaczur, has been a major slacker lately. He needs to feel the threat of a German being his neighbor at all times. That ought to get him going.”

Kaczur tried to call Belichick regarding the offensive race-based comments, but the head coach was too busy cutting the sleeves off of several hoodies to take the call.

Titans scramble, blurt out made-up college name—and get a legit 7th round pick
With the clock winding down and no teams willing to trade, the Tennessee Titans panicked and threw out what they thought at the time to be a made-up selection. C.O. Brocato, the teams recruiting director, shouted “Uh… We’ll take that senior Free Safety from North Dakota State” to NFL officials, who quickly confirmed the selection.

“In all seriousness, that was the first university that came to mind,” Brocato said. “I didn’t even know North Dakota had a university at all! It was just dumb luck that it existed!”

Nick Schommer, the player mistakenly drafted by the Titans, wasn’t offended by the gaffe.

“Are you kidding me? I’m absolutely thrilled to have this chance,” Schommer told reporters while partying at his parents’ house. “I was going to start some dead-end IT job in Fargo this Summer. Now I’m in the NFL!”

Humane Society calls for substance abuse testing on Polo Horses

2009-04-24T18:37:00.003-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/24/polo.pony.deaths/index.html?iref=newssearch

In the aftermath of the tragic deaths of 21 horses bred for the sport of polo, the Humane Society is calling for mandatory drug screenings on all involved horses before competition. The deceased horses had reportedly gotten hammered the night before the match on last Sunday and had tried to curb the effects of a terrible hangover with some speed they had purchased from local donkey. Drug testing, it has been claimed, would have prevented this horrific event from taking place.

“Horses, by nature, are drug abusers,” Humane Society spokesperson Jillian Langley said yesterday. “Really, if you knew that all the future held for you was to be turned into dog food or bottled up into Elmer’s, you’d be more prone to do some dope as well. If these horses know we’re going to test, they’ll be less likely to abuse.”

But not everyone is on board with this measure. Many from the Polo community think it’s absolutely absurd to test horses for using banned substances—especially the horses themselves.

“Well if this just isn’t the last straw,” said Jingles, a two-year-old purebred from Miami. “Our privacy rights were already razor thin, and now they want to watch me pee in a cup? It’s bad enough that our jockeys kick us when we’re using the bathroom as it is!”

A large number of Polo horses felt it should be left up to them whether or not they want to smoke some weed or shoot up on the weekends, and that it would be unfair to deny them this one stress reliever in what is indeed a very stressful sport.

“I warned the other pony-boys that this would happen,” exclaimed Liberty, a veteran horse from Texas. “I told them to vote for Ron Paul. And they said I was crazy. Well, who’s crazy now, huh?”

The Humane Society is likely to get this measure passed into law, as Congress has been known to listen to animal right’s activists whenever they so much as pass gas.

“We have to think about the lives of these animals,” said Nancy Pelosi in a press conference this afternoon. “It’s not right that we sit idly by and do nothing while the poor animals suffer.”

Sports analysts across the nation are wondering why the issue with drug-using horses is coming to the forefront of the Legislative Branch while Barry Bonds has failed to be put behind bars.

Susan Boyle to become sixth member of “Pussycat Dolls”

2009-04-23T14:46:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

YouTube sensation Susan Boyle—who wowed a shallow and superficial British audience with her stellar rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream”—has concluded talks with pop-burlesque music group The Pussycat Dolls and agreed to become its sixth member. Rumors that the two had been talking had been disregarded as a cruel joke, but Interscope Records spokesperson Wayne Hunter confirmed that the deal had indeed been made.

“Look, let me address the matter directly,” Hunter told reporters this morning. “The Pussycat Dolls have been struggling a bit, and their manager decided to add someone to the troupe who could actually carry a tune. I mean, sex sells, but as we’ve discovered with the scantily-clad quintet, it only sells so much. Eventually, people want to hear music from a music group.”

Boyle has already begun practicing the PCD song lineup, and admits that she feels a touch embarrassed by the lyrical content and suggestive nature of the group’s music, but is getting used to it.

“Honestly, I had sung ‘Buttons’ about six times through before it occurred to me just what ‘loosen up my buttons’ actually meant,” Boyle said. “Oh, how it made me blush! I’ve never been kissed even!”

Some critics have voiced their vehement disapproval of Boyle’s recruitment, saying that the stark contrast between the Englishwoman’s features and those of the other five PCD members is nothing short of a cruel joke.

“It’s no joke,” Hunter reassured the press. “Boyle is beautiful—as much so as any of the other girls in the troupe. Yes, it’s true that we’ve been under considerable pressure from feminist terrori—uh—lobbyist groups as well as those freaks at the Dove Soap campaign to show that big women are attractive, but that’s not why we hired Boyle. The girls needed a singer. Boyle can sing. Get over it.”

Although a fan of Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell described the addition of Boyle to The Pussycat Dolls as “utterly boring.”

Jackie Chan Asks For Increase In Chinese Government Sponsored Disappearings, Killings

2009-04-22T12:40:00.004-07:00

http://blogcritics.org/archives/2009/04/20/102719.php

Movie action hero, Jackie Chan, made headlines this week by voicing an approval of the Chinese government’s efforts to control its citizens. This seeming approval is at a stark contrast with the rest of the world who is continually putting pressure on the Chinese government to make its self more transparent and accountable regarding its human rights record. What he said was:

"I'm not sure if it is good to have freedom or not," said Mr. Chan. "I'm really confused now. If you are too free, you are like the way Hong Kong is now. It's very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic."

He then added: "I'm gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we are not being controlled, we'll just do what we want."

Mr. Chan went a little further this morning explaining that the Chinese government is best able to control its population when they are either completely constrained or dead. The real issue, as he sees it, is about control, and it is really easy to control those in graves.

“I mean, what if a Chinese woman could just go buy a cup of tea at will,” said the actor. “Now multiply that by about 500 million and you can see what kind of a situation we would be in. Those crazies in Hong Kong and Taiwan are just buying tea without the fear of death hanging over them. It is quite chaotic.”

“But we don’t have to kill everybody,” continued Chan. “I mean if you just lock several million up in a filth ridden pit of a dungeon, that is a really effective and positive control mechanism as well. As I have said, freedom is downright scary.”

Mr. Chang also used the interview this morning to reveal a new line of weapons he plans to market in the coming year. The weapons are specifically designed kill baby seals and Mr. Chan feels he is filling a current void in the seal-killing industry with his new line.

“You can see these are not your grandfather's clubs,” said Chan. “Now you’ve got better grip with a new synthetic rubber handle. Also, the razor blade spikes on these clubs are dipped in cyanide. It is a very useful tool because the last thing you are going to want is a baby seal just doing whatever it wants.”

Of course there are some limits to control that Mr. Chan thinks are permissible. “If anyone in my family is ever harmed then I will hunt down the killers and destroy them,” said a threatening Chan. “It would be best if we had a film crew and the proper lighting in place when I do.”

Ahmadinejad to resign over threat of “Clown Invasion”

2009-04-21T07:42:00.003-07:00

http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3703944,00.html

A visibly shaken Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he would resign from the Iranian Presidency following a mild protest at a UN racism conference in Geneva yesterday. As he ran from the conference hall to his motorcade, the controversial radical leader told pursuing reporters that he would do anything the west asks of him as long as they kept those “evil” clowns away from him and his family.

The normally stubborn Ahmadinejad had a change of heart when student protesters interrupted the beginning of the Iranian President’s speech by shouting unintelligible insults and donning rainbow colored clown wigs. It was at that moment that the embattled Ahmadinejad’s countenance changed. Although he finished his speech, he made a b-line for the door and said he “just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“It’s been a very well kept secret for sometime,” Iranian spokesman Hamid-Reza Asefi said this morning. “Mahmoud is terrified of clowns. Has been all his life. I think most of us agree that clowns are outright disturbing creatures. For our president, though, they literally make him wet his pants at night.”

Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton jokingly called Iran and said that she was planning to send a delegation from Barnum & Bailey to discuss the nation’s nuclear program. She was told by a panicked Ahmadinejad that he would personally dismantle all nuclear facilities and then resign as president if she promised to keep the clowns at bay.

“I honestly wasn’t serious about sending a circus delegation,” Clinton said, “I just wanted to see his reaction. And look at what happened! I think it’s safe to say I’m the greatest Secretary of State that ever lived.”

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice also weighed in on the development, saying she had seen vague signs of the Iranian President’s one weakness in the past.

“At a summit in France back in 06, I was telling Dubya that we may have to send 'those clowns from Europe' to handle negotiations with Iran,” she told the press. “Someone must have overheard me and informed Ahmadinejad, and apparently he soiled himself as the news got to him. At first I thought he was just afraid of the European Foreign Ministers, which—obviously—didn’t make any sense. Now I understand that it was the word clown that got him so worked up. It’s a shame we didn’t pick up on this factoid back then. We’d have kept the GOP in power.”

In other news, the State of Israel canceled their normal order of weapons and ammunition from US manufacturers and instead purchased $1 billion in white makeup and red foam noses from Acme, Inc.

John Madden to replace Michael Steele as GOP chairman

2009-04-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

Not even a week into his retirement, hall of famer and former football color commentator John Madden has been approached by high ranking GOP officials regarding chairmanship of the struggling party. With the 2012 elections already at the forefront of nearly every political analyst’s mind, the GOP is hoping to secure Madden as the party’s spokesperson and mascot and restore the party to its former glory.

“Madden will bring a much needed change to the Republicans,” South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said today. “I mean, we put Michael Steele up there to counter Obama and show young voters that we were hip and culturally inclusive—oh, and also because we were so shocked that an African American was in our party. Boy was that guy a mistake. Pro-abortion, anti-gun, and he swears in public. Yeah, we all swear, but even hot-headed McCain knows to keep the profanity in the Congressional chambers.”

Senior GOP members feel that Madden would be less of an obvious attempt—unlike with Steele—to court voters who have disenfranchised themselves from the conservatives. The veteran sports figure is old, loves football and proudly waves the American flag, making him the quintessential GOPer.

“But that’s not the only reason we’re gunning for him to chair the party,” Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said. “His football video game thing is so popular with the young’uns, and if they see that we made him the boss of our little getup here, well they’ll be sure to vote for us!”

Madden has yet to accept the offer, but he did mention some plans for the party should he become its chairperson. For example, he felt that the current nickname “Party of Principle” should be changed to “Party of Boom” and also that they would need a versatile tight end with good hands to open up the field.

Tom Hanks Grows Third Arm for Upcoming Film

2009-04-16T12:22:00.002-07:00

Tom Hanks’ publicist verified today what the paparazzi have been hinting at for weeks: The actor has grown a third arm. Speculation has been rampant since TMZ posted a blurry picture of the academy-award-winning actor with one arm around his wife, another arm holding bottled water, and a seeming third arm dialing a cell phone. Since then the actor has kept himself out of sight allowing rumors to swirl and swim until publicist Michelle Benson confirmed the news.

The report was announced on Tom’s official website by Benson and read: “Mr. Hanks has accepted a role in the upcoming film, ‘The Three-Armed Fool on the Hill,’ where he will play an idiot three-armed Congressman from Tennessee. In order to properly represent the part, Mr. Hanks is growing a third arm. Mr. Hanks asks that his dedication to his craft be respected and that recent intrusions into his private life be mitigated.”

Celebrity gossip outlet, US Weekly, has placed a $13 million prize on the first photo to clearly capture Hanks with all three of his upper extremities, and no less than 80 photographers are camping out around the actor’s home.

“This explains the sudden wardrobe consisting of nothing but trench coats,” says entertainment columnist Betty Tucker. “I think the last nine or ten times we have seen him, he has been dressed that way.”

Celebrity gossip photographers also concluded that the upswing in visits from Hanks’ personal trainer must be in order to get his newly acquired arm looking fit and trim for the cameras.

“I am sure growing a third arm is no easy business, even for an actor of Tom’s caliber,” explains gossip journalist, Amber Montevedev. “I bet it is as mentally strenuous as it is physically.”

Persons close to the actor are indicating that Hanks’ is still sore over losing the Oscar for his role in ‘Castaway.’ Co-star, Helen Hunt, said, “Tom really put himself through hell to gain and then lose all that weight for the movie. Nobody could have given more to their role that year than Tom did, and it is unconscionable for the Academy to have given the award to Crowe that year.”

Actress Meg Ryan, who has appeared with Hanks in several films, thinks that the actor needed a role that would be a shoe-in for him.

“Tom wants to act a gig where he knows he’s got the Oscar before he even appears on set,” said Ryan. “It looks like he may have found it and I’ll be so proud of him when he is holding his third Oscar in that third hand.”

Others fear that Hanks may be setting a terrible precedent for the industry.

“Please, for heaven’s sake just use what your mother gave you,” says housewife, Miriam Owens. “You don’t see others out there without their real bodies. You don’t see people with fake noses, breasts, hair, lips, and…and, well. No, I guess a third-arm is the next logical step in the progression, huh? Man! When will they hurry up and get me a picture of this?!”

China releases Human Rights plan for 2009-2010

2009-04-14T14:59:00.002-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/15/world/asia/15china.html?ref=asia

The Chinese Government announced today that it had come to a resolution for its Human Rights agenda for the next two years. Officials in Beijing had been deliberating for months on the extent of rights, dignities and basic liberties it would grant its citizenry, and although many felt that a conclusion would never be reached, it appears that a compromise has been worked out.

“Pressure from outside organizations forced us to spend more time than normal going over our Human Rights agenda,” said Li Fong, a spokesman for the People’s Republic. “Honestly, it’s amazing how much power Amnesty International has over the UN, and even more amazing how much we heed the UN’s psychobabble. But our plan for the next two years should satisfy most and let us go about our way.”

Details of the plan include a 25% reduction in executions (with a provision that this number encompass executions involving non-criminal/surplus citizens). This represents a major victory for Human Rights groups who have been pushing the brutal nation to rid itself of capital punishment for quite some time.

“This is a wonderful victory, to be sure,” said Don Ngyuen, a representative of Amnesty International’s Asian wing. “We hope that in the next five years, we can guarantee the lives of all Chinese criminals—the murderers, the rapists, and especially the trade ministers exporting lead toys to the West.”

The victory for AI was, however, bittersweet, as measures had also been outlined in the agenda to increase the amount of torture victims by 30%. Furthermore, U2’s new CD was banned from all Chinese markets to suppress pop-democracy among the youth, and police were given authority to arrest and indefinitely imprison any citizen referencing the “grass-mud horse.”

“The affront to Bono is the biggest offense here,” said Ngyuen, “but we’ve got a counter-attack. I just got off the phone with Billy Joe from Green Day, and he said he’d start right away on an original and slanderous song against the Chinese government and we… wait… wait, I’m getting a text from Billy. Oh, wow. He’s done composing it. Hm.”

Other notable provisions that reflect a more tolerant stance towards human life include the overhaul of traditional Chinese restaurants to reflect the more palatable, non-disease-ridden Chinese buffets in America and the prohibition of recruiting female Olympic gymnasts within one hour of their delivery.

PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST!

2009-04-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

Check out the picture that goes with this article:

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/13/obamas-host-2009-white-house-easter-egg-roll/

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Contest ends 4/20.

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Report: VP Biden Greatest Thing Since Thing After Sliced Bread

2009-04-13T10:48:00.002-07:00

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/04/09/bush-aides-challenge-bidens-boasts-oval-office-slapdowns/

The American Sliced Bread Organization released a report today stating that Vice President Joe Biden is now third on the chart of things that are great. The ASBO is a philanthropist funded non-profit organization which has been cataloging things in order of greatness using sliced bread as its ultimate benchmark. The ASBO broke tradition by releasing a report in April; the organization usually only releases its report once a year in September. Today’s news of Biden’s meteoric rise up the charts seemed too important to sit on for another five months.

“Well, there is just no questioning it,” says Peter Lithgow, chairman of ASBO. “Every blessed feat the man has achieved puts him right up towards the top.”

Biden’s rise comes on the heals of unverified reports that the former Senator told former President Bush where to stick it while in a private meeting in the Oval Office. While none of Bush’s aids or staff even slightly remember any sort of said conversation taking places, the feat is nonetheless amazing. Other questionable achievements of the current VP include: multiple private meetings with President Bush, being shot at while in Iraq, and having his helicopter forced down by terrorists (weather) over the mountains in Afghanistan.

Even though the VP’s claims are either extravagant hyperbole or unverified claims, the ASBO has no qualms about setting him so high on the list.

“Fist on the list is sliced bread, of course,” says Lithgow. “Then you got the nacho cheese dispenser. The newcomer Joe Biden comes in third, and fourth is Pokémon.”

Biden leap-frogged other notables on the list such as ‘Mike Tyson’s Punchout’ and the safety pin. Many outside of the organization feel like the ASBO has taken too much for granted by placing Biden so high on the list.

“Really, you are going to tell me that Biden is greater than the self-heating ice cream scoop?” says Wisconsin resident, Archie Severson. “I mean the thing heats up all by its lonesome.”

Biden held a short press- conference after the report was released in order to add more self-aggrandizing events to his repertoire.

“Yeah I’m pretty great, as you can see,” the VP began. “Dude, I remember this one summer we grew tomatoes and Delaware hosted the state fair at my place because my tomatoes were so great. Also once I kicked Paul Bunyan right in his nuts and then challenged his ox to a grass eating contest. HA! I ate Babe under the table in about 48 hours.”

When asked how long it would take for Biden to claim the number one spot on the list the VP said, “Well, you have to give props where it is due. When I invented the nacho cheese dispenser I knew it would also be great and I don’t mind taking a back seat to it.”

President Obama twittered in response to the ASBO report that “Biden is the greatest idiot VP since the last idiot VP in office, hands down.”

Student publication incurs wrath of God, College Republicans

2009-04-10T07:41:00.003-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090407/ap_on_re_us/newspaper_mistake

The LDS church and Brigham Young University are working hard to do some damage control on an innocent—yet horribly blasphemous—mistake that was printed in a recent edition of the Daily Universe, BYU’s student-run news publication. A copyeditor for the newspaper accidentally referred the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (one of the highest governing bodies of the church) as the Quorum of the Twelve Apostates.

Molly Mooreman (name changed in accordance with Utah Witness Protection Program guidelines), the student who made the gaffe, told reporters that she first tried to blame the error on hackers from the University of Utah. “They’re so ungodly anyway,” Mooreman said, “and I thought it would be an easy sell. But then I remembered the Honor Code and I confessed. It was such a terrible goof on my part.”

Although BYU was able to recover most of the printed copies, it was impossible to contain the mess and word spread like wildfire that the Lord’s University had flagrantly accused the Twelve of renouncing their faith. Chairman of BYU’s Communications Department, Brad Rawlins, said that new measures were being taken to ensure that mistakes like this will never happen again.

“Quite frankly, I’m amazed that this happened in the first place,” Rawlins said. “I mean, the Daily Universe has more oversight than China’s government-run media, and we censor just as much material as they do on a daily basis. So, the first thing we’re doing is replacing the words ‘Twelve Apostles’ with ‘Lord’s Anointed.’ At worst, the only spelling error we’ll get here is ‘Lord’s Annotated.’ Plus, we’ll be borrowing 50% of our text from other Church publications that have already printed, like Ensign and Friend.”

BYU spokesperson Carri Jenkins said that although the mistake was met with laughter and understanding from the highest authorities in the Church, punishments would still be handed out to prevent a repetition in the future.

“I don’t have the exact details,” Jenkins told the press, “but it looks like President Monson will be relegating Brad Rawlins to an eternal calling in the Nursery, and may have to be ward chorister as well.”

BYU’s College Republicans are also making themselves heard, asking for stronger punishments against the “liberal media.”

“We’ve known for quite some time that the Daily Universe was part of the evil liberal media cartel,” said Nephi Osmond, an active member of the BYUCR. “And this slander against our most holy leaders is proof. It’s just like Ann Coulter warned us: the Daily Universe and all its liberal editors are just plain godless.”

Osmond did admit, however, that the publication's gross error was doing good things for the free market economy, as rogue copies of the misprint are being sold for hundreds on eBay.

Fears that this mistake would lead to the demise of the newspaper in an already suffering print media industry were quickly assuaged when it was discovered that the error made the Daily Universe a nationally recognized publication for the first time since… ever.

IOC catches city of Chicago using banned substance

2009-04-09T07:14:00.001-07:00

In the midst of its vetting process to determine the host city for the 2016 Summer Games, the International Olympic Committee announced Wednesday that it has caught one of the leading contenders, the U.S. city of Chicago, using a banned substance. The incident will likely preclude the Windy City from being selected, leaving only three finalists left: Tokyo, Madrid and Rio de Janeiro.

IOC officials were conducting routine inspections of the metropolis when it was discovered that Chicago was not only in possession of unnatural growth-assisting agents, but was proactively using said agents. Immediate action was taken and the city was placed on a probationary status and will remain so until a full investigation can be undertaken.

“This is disappointing for all of us,” IOC President Jacques Rogge told the press, “especially since President Obama had sent me several emails via his Blackberry assuring me of Chicago’s integrity. I should have known better, considering the scum he vouched for in his cabinet.”

Rogge explained that banned growth substance in question was not a drug, but rather a chunk of U.S. federal stimulus money which had been personally earmarked by Illinois congressional members—under encouragement from President Obama—to beef up Chicago’s economy. Many are questioning the validity of economic provisions falling under the IOC’s “banned substances” category, but Rogge remained adamant it qualifies.

“The whole idea of banning growth-agents is that it gives athletes an unfair, unnatural advantage in competition,” Rogge said. “In this case, the city of Chicago received monies in order to bulk it up in competition to other municipalities. These funds were not naturally generated in Chicago, and are therefore considered outside substances. This is clearly a form of steroids.”

White House staff said that the president was extremely frustrated with this ruling, but is trying to stay positive and find ways to fight the IOC. He is planning on recording a new YouTube video to send to Jacques Rogge et al, this time with the help of Hollywood insider turned political staff member Kal Penn.

President Obama Spends Entire Trans-Atlantic Flight Home in Air Force One Bathroom

2009-04-08T07:18:00.001-07:00

Ending an eight-day trip to Europe, the President used some down time aboard Air Force One to recuperate from the effects of a week’s worth of foreign food. The culinary end of the trip started out in London where the President was subjugated to all manner of English delicacies unfit for human consumption. The kidney pie, in particular, made it difficult for the President to put much faith in anything else the Europeans tried to get him to eat.

White House spokesman, Devon Harrington, who accompanied the President on the trip, has been trying to prep the President for a speech he is to deliver upon arrival in the US but says the President is in severe need of his privacy for the moment.

“I think the blood sausage the President ate in Germany put a serious damper on a planned tirade against North Korea,” said Harrington. “The President was going to embark into a 45 minute speech after they launched their missile but decided a simple sound bite would suffice instead.”

French officials said the President vocally complained during dinner in their country.

“Oh, my English is not so good, huh?” said Oscar Deveraux, Secretary of French Internal Affairs. “But I heard him, plain as could be. He said ‘what’s the bloody deal with all these brussel sprouts.’ What, did he think we were going to heap french fries in his lap?”

The President did seem to enjoy France’s crème brulee but he seemed to have overstepped his bounds. The President stopped mid-sentence during an explanation of US/European agrarian agreements and pointed out that he did not know there was such a thing as too much crème brulee.

Harrington explained that on the fourth night of the trip the President sent him out for some peanut butter.

“I couldn’t find any peanut butter anywhere. All I could find was hazelnut spread. I ended up bringing back liver paste and rye bread after which the President physically assaulted me. I tried to assure him that it wasn’t that bad but after trying it I had to physically assault myself too.”

Near the end of the trip the President spoke with Irish foreign ministers and expressed his heartfelt sadness about the potato famine all those years ago. But then the President said the Irish could suffer an eternal red cabbage famine for all he cared and he would never change his opinion about it.

As the President boarded Air Force One this morning he thanked Europe for being such a grateful host. He then added: “I look forward to strengthening our relationships as we move towards the future. Maybe we could talk about it again some time over some pizza or something. Only I’ll bring the pizza because you guys have, like, corn and tuna fish on yours.”

Jack Bauer to interrogate, torture Apennine fault lines

2009-04-07T12:58:00.002-07:00

The tragic loss of life caused by the horrific earthquake that rattled central Italy on Monday has many asking, “Why?” Geologists and seismologists have been trying to answer this question for decades, and although they have made huge strides in understanding earthquakes and the behavior of fault lines, they have yet to discover any way to predict when seismic activity of such a destructive degree will occur. But after the devastation at L’Aquila, scientists and politicians were motivated to revamp their approach.

“We cannot allow such unpredictability to keep our citizens living in fear,” seismologist Giorgio Carrone announced at a press conference in Rome. “Therefore, we will be making a break from traditional scientific avenues and instead enlist the talents of Jack Bauer, the rogue American agent known for getting results.”

The Italian government has agreed to turn a blind eye to the methods that Jack Bauer will undoubtedly employ while “conversing” with the aggressive fault lines. Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said that he had always been against torture and had never seen any need to break from Geneva Convention protocol when dealing with a belligerent enemy, but he admitted that there also comes a time when rules must be broken.

“We need decisive action,” Berlusconi said. “I have seen how Bauer works. His techniques are atrocious—but they get the job done. A few years back, when Bush was still in office, he gave me seasons 1-6 of 24, and although I thought it was a terrible gift at first, I got hooked after I chose to watch season 1 instead of listening to a message from the Vatican. Bauer was amazing. And although I didn’t approve of how he treated his prisoners, I always felt that I might be able to call upon his services if Italy was ever in a pickle.”

Italy has empowered Bauer to do whatever it takes to extract information about future earthquakes in the region. It is hoped that the ex-CTU agent will be able to provide scientists with the exact dates for the next 25-50 years’ worth of seismic activity.

The government’s move has not come without resistance, however. Members from Italy’s chapter of Amnesty International have rallied to defend the rights of the Apennine faults, saying that both UN security and lawyers must be present during any interrogation procedures.

“We cannot allow this lawless torture to fall upon the Apennines,” said protester Vincente Domingo. “Not only is this an affront to acceptable human interaction with nature, it is likely to give us both faulty or inaccurate information as well as enrage the already irate fault lines and cause further destruction.”

It has been reported that Bauer is already making his way to the fault lines in his own manner, having knocked out customs agents at the Leonardo da Vinci - Fiumicino Airport and making his way on foot to the Apennine mountains.

“I had just stopped him for a routine customs check,” a wobbly customs agent told reporters. “And then he yelled, ‘Dammit, there’s no time!’ and karate chopped me in the neck.”

Bauer is expected to remain underground for the next hour or so until getting himself stuck and calling Chloe O’Brien for assistance.

Queen receives counseling after being “touched” by First Lady

2009-04-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/02/buckingham-palace-weighs-in-on-first-ladys-touching-moment/

Queen Elizabeth II is receiving psychiatric help after becoming a victim of what experts are calling “monarchial molestation.” The horrific incident occurred last week when the wife of the American President, Michelle Obama, unwittingly touched the small of the Queen’s back. Although the Queen did not seem to react initially to the violation of personal space, the psychological effects of being touched by “peasant hands” caused her to have a series of problems only days later.

Servants at Buckingham Palace found the Queen early Saturday morning on her bed, but things were noticeably different than normal. She was naked, curled up in the fetal position and there were distinct open sores on her back. On the floor were several bloodstained washcloths and the remains of about twenty bars of British-made Bronnley soap. One servant said he unmistakably heard the monarch murmuring, “Dirty… so dirty…”

“It was a horrific site,” said Beatrice Mosley, head of the Queen’s personal staff. “Many of us feared that she was on the brink of death.”

Staffers immediately called Scotland Yard and the Department of Health. Dr. Geoffrey Bates, a top mental health expert at the DH, was the first to arrive, and knew right away what had befallen the traumatized Queen.

“I had seen these symptoms before, albeit not to this degree,” Dr. Bates told the press. “This is monarchial molestation, or the act of non-royal blood touching royalty without solicitation. Frankly, I am furious that Buckingham officials did not call me at the moment the incident occurred. We could have prevented the Queen’s current condition had we known.”

Having been removed from the constitutional monarchy for nearly 240 years, many American citizens fail to remember that British Royalty see themselves as pure, divinely appointed figures. As such, it is emotionally and mentally disturbing for anyone from the vulgar masses to lay a finger on them. In British history, royal figures have gone to extremes such as dismemberment, bathing in acid and drinking unfiltered water from the Thames to rid themselves of the perceived filth with which they have been infected.

Video from the Obama’s visit to Buckingham show that Queen Elizabeth and Michelle Obama were enjoying a pleasant conversation, during the course of which the royal mother placed her hand on Mrs. Obama’s back. The near-fatal move happened as Mrs. Obama, following a natural reaction, returned the gesture and touched the Queen.

“I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to touch her,” Michelle Obama said through tears. “I feel terrible for putting her through this episode. I only wanted to show my affection.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown says he has enacted a plan to have the Queen appear in an upcoming Hollywood production. This would turn the Queen into a silver screen celebrity, a class of people that the “average American venerates and respects above all others,” according to Brown, thus affording the monarch protection from Yankee contact.

Abject Failure of Capitalism Traced to Invention of ‘Squeeze Bacon’

2009-04-03T10:28:00.003-07:00

http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/squeez-bacon.html

Anti-capitalist protesters outside the G-20 in London this week fought with police in the streets as they used loudspeakers to discredit capitalist world leaders and economies across the globe. The rally takes place in the face of global leaders who for many years have been pulling at the threads of capitalism and undermining the economic systems of the industrial revolution and the most prosperous nations on the globe.

The current downturn of the world’s economy comes at a time when many across the globe think that capitalism is broken and should be replaced with more rigid socio-economic programs in order to right the ship. The current ill-will of the world’s attitude towards capitalism seems to coincide with the invention of “Squeeze Bacon.” Though the product its self has been around since around WWII, its recent global march has caused panic, amazement, and sheer terror across the world’s capitalist populations.

Protester, Mary Abbot, said that she was raised on the benefits of the capitalistic system but has since left the fold.

“I saw an advert for Squeeze Bacon about six months ago,” says Abbot, “and in that instant I gave up both capitalism and meat. By their fruits shall ye know them. Any economic system that develops squeezable bacon is clearly in tatters. How could it have come to this?”

Bertrand Duluth is also an anti-capitalist protester taking part in the week’s activities. Duluth says that about 85% of those at the rally can pinpoint their falling out with capitalism to Squeeze Bacon.

“I don’t really like to talk about it,” says Duluth. “It puts me in a very uncomfortable place. I am here to spare future generations the despicable horror of the fruits of capitalism. I mean, come on.”

While many here have their own testimonials about their confrontations with Squeeze Bacon, others say they abandoned capitalism long ago.

Terry Patrick, of Atlanta, says he lost his appetite for capitalism when the Noid starred in his own video game back in the 90’s.

“Once commercials become video games you know you have to get out,” says Patrick. "It’s the same with 7-Up’s Spot. He had one too. You only need to open a ‘Sky Mall’ magazine to understand the ridiculousness of capitalism. Can we please move on now?”

The Squeeze Bacon camp has not been able to find a suitable defense spokesman as all who apply for the position are extremely fat and hideous.

President Obama Spouts Heavy Southpaw Rhetoric at G-20 Summit

2009-04-02T08:19:00.002-07:00

The much anticipated G-20 summit got off to an unexpected start as President Obama began to push an unanticipated agenda among world leaders. The dire situation of the global economy, the current concerns over global warming, and developing worries about nuclear proliferation all took a back seat to the President’s heavy handed, almost militant, approach to absolving the problems facing the worlds left-handers.

Obama kept his early appointments with Russian and Chinese officials but immediately ruffled feathers when he refused to shake the right hands of foreign dignitaries and instead waited until he was offered the left hand. Chinese President, Hu Jintao’s, brow was clearly furled during the handshake causing a flurry of camera flashes to light up the hallways of Buckingham palace.

President Obama’s staff issued a short memo to the Russian and Chinese delegations before their scheduled meetings which read: “A new world order is at hand (the left hand to be exact). The previous stifling oppression of the ‘righties’ will now come to naught as I and I alone lead this world to a left-handed conquest. I expect the full cooperation of your heads of state as we begin this summit.”

Russian President, Dmitry Medvedev, kept trying to turn the conversation away from President Obama’s incessant left-handed tirade once the parties finally sat down for discussions, but to little avail. This became most apparent when the Russian President brought up the subject of Georgia:

“So, what about Georgia then?” asked Medvedev. “We did some crazy stuff down in Georgia a few months back, no?”

“We are currently supplying Georgia with a left-handed arsenal," replied Obama, “You will be defeated within weeks.”

“Okay… well, do you have any thoughts about, like, nuclear weapons limitations or something?” asked Medvedev.

To which Obama responded, “Yeah, here is a thought. We make all our nukes with the left hand now and they are superior to your right-handed, fire cracker nukes in every way.”

At this point Medvedev turned to his secretary and whispered in Russian, “Let’s get as much of our best vodka into this man as soon as possible.”

Wind of the new direction the US President is trying to lead the world reached German Chancellor, Angel Merkel, before her scheduled sit-down with the President. Merkel is prepared to hammer out her undisguised right-handed agenda with Obama and says she will not take any guff from the newly elected leader even if it means dragging Michelle Obama (who is clearly right-handed) into the fray.

“Yeah, the President requested only left-handed notepads be available at our meeting,” said a clearly agitated Merkel. “Well this is Germany you’re dealing with my friends! We wrote the book on non-sensical political profiling. He and his left-handed economic stimulus will dart out of here with his tail between his legs, you’ll see.”

No word yet on whether pro-left hand protests in London were assembled upon the President’s request.

G-20 Protests turn out to be organized April Fool’s joke

2009-04-01T08:35:00.001-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/01/g20.london.protests/index.html

London police breathed a sigh of relief yesterday. After weeks of preparing for what was expected to be a violent outbreak of protests surrounding the G-20 Summit, security forces learned early on that the protesters were merely a large group of organized pranksters hoping to get some air time on the news and possibly get more hits on their YouTube channel.

“We had basically been training for minor urban warfare,” London Police Chief Nigel Whitaker told reporters. “But when we arrived at the first outbreak just outside of the Bank of England, we saw that most signs had messages like ‘CAPITALISM ISN’T WORKING’ or displayed those anarchy ‘A’ symbols. That’s when we knew it was a joke. I mean, we haven’t been using capitalism for nearly a century, so there’s no way these folks were actually protesting capitalism.”

The protesters/pranksters did indeed seem to be mocking the fact that European leaders have been meeting behind closed doors for decades in attempts to manipulate economics and markets through legislation, regulation and intervention—all the while claiming to advocate a free market system. The citizens, it would seem, have not been fooled.

“Oh please,” scoffed Edmund Harris, who headed one of the larger protest groups, “we know we’ve got full-fledged socialism here. That’s why all this anti-Capitalism junk is so funny. And we were thrilled to see that news of our little demonstration caused the police to come out of the wood works, dressed in full riot gear and looking like they were ready to crush its citizens. How’s that for a big brother state, eh? Yeah, we all had a good laugh with them about it. They sure were scared!”

A few of the protesters, however, were under the impression that there was actually going to be a revolution of some sort, and were quite miffed when the whole thing turned out to be an April Fool’s prank.

“A couple of us watched ‘V for Vendetta’ and ‘Equilibrium’ last night to prepare ourselves for an epic battle against the state,” a disappointed Norman Peck revealed. “We even went out and bought those Guy Fawkes masks to look the part. Now everyone—protester and policeman alike—is hanging out at Finnegan’s and drinking Guinness. What a waste.”

Leaders at the G-20 summit were informed that the anticipated violence turned out to be pure chicanery. None of the heads of state seemed to care about the information.

Deal Reached on Contract for 2009 Hurricane Season

2009-03-31T07:48:00.002-07:00

The National Weather Service announced this morning that a contract for the 2009 hurricane season has been reached with the Atlantic Ocean. The deal comes after months of negotiations following the conclusion of the 2008 season and endless haggling over the United State’s economic capability of handling a devastating season. With a contract now in place for 2009, the NWS can now focus on taking some of the guesswork out of the intangibles of the deal.

The contract gives the Atlantic Ocean the right to generate 19 tropical storms/hurricanes from its waters, up two from 2008. Of these 19 storms only 5 are allowed to make landfall over US soil, down one from last year. Contract negotiations worked out a lower landfall total for the US but gave the Atlantic Ocean discretion over the intensity of the storms that reach land.

“Our job now is to figure out how the Atlantic is going to play its hand,” said Judd Pendergrast, of the National Weathers Service’s Miami office. “We certainly know that it likes to play ball in Florida but we need to game plan other areas of the US as well. Also, the contract extends the 2009 season by a week over last year which changes the dynamic we operate under.”

The NWS took over hurricane negotiations after the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration opened the doors for the Atlantic to unleash hurricane Katrina in 2005. While the NOAA has maintained that negotiating with the Atlantic Ocean is not an exact science, it also concedes that their 2005 contract should not have included “levee buster” incentives for the Atlantic that year.

Much of this year’s negotiations hinged on the United State’s ability to financially withstand a devastating season and the Obama administration made the Atlantic perfectly clear that devastation would not be permissible in blue-states. Florida, a former red-state turned blue went a long way towards securing the Presidency for Obama and the President has used his clout to negotiate favorable terms for the Sunshine State this year.

Merman King Triton has been the Atlantic Ocean’s representative for these talks and he admits that he has not of yet been fully able to feel out the President.

“Yeah, I am not sure how hard I can push this time,” said Triton. “I mean, I know the man can walk on water and that doesn’t bode well for our side. It might not be a good idea to test him just yet. But we have serious plans to relocate San Padre Island to Nebraska and I plan on seeing that through. It’s just a process, that’s all.”

GM to be bought out by East German auto manufacturer

2009-03-30T10:33:00.001-07:00

After a long string of difficulties and embarrassments, departing General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner announced that the struggling auto company has no choice but to sell the Detroit-born firm to East German auto maker HQM Sachsenring. Despite hefty bailouts, management changes, and even belittling commercials starring ex-football star Howie Long, GM just wasn’t able to make themselves profitable enough to keep the business running, and it was only a matter of time before someone showed up with the right purchase price.

“I don’t know what more I can tell you about it,” a frustrated Rick Wagoner told media personnel. “We ran out of bailout money rather quickly by investing almost all of it into researching the profitability of adding wood paneling to the Silverado. That didn’t pan out like we hoped. So we’re broke, and HQM offered to buy the business, and get this mess off of our hands. And thank heavens they came when they did. I can’t handle Congress calling me names anymore.”

HQM Sachsenring (formerly VEB Sachsenring), is most famous for manufacturing the now iconic Trabant during the 60’s in communist East Germany. The car was largely considered a joke by western standards, although the vehicle has seen a surge in popularity in the last few years as Soviet-era symbols have become trendy for younger consumers who like to use capitalism to show their disdain for capitalism.

“This is a very exciting time for us,” said Volker Hess, spokesman for HQM Sachsenring. “The cult-like following our Trabant has gained along with poor economic conditions in Detroit has poised us for unprecedented success in the global market.”

Many critics are saying that the purchase by a foreign company is only delaying the inevitable, and that it will do nothing to help the Detroit industry to stay afloat.

“I wholeheartedly disagree with this sentiment,” Hess said in response to the criticisms. “We are the perfect company to lead Detroit out of this situation. First of all, we have decades of proven success operating under an autocratic regime. This makes us ideal for running GM under the Obama administration. And secondly, we are used to living in some of the ugliest industrialized cities on the planet. In many ways, Detroit’s ugliness parallels that of our former communist metropolises, so we’ll feel right at home in the motor city.”

The full takeover of GM’s assets is set to occur in June.

Secretary Geithner Proposes Giant Tire-Fire as Financial Oversight

2009-03-27T07:41:00.002-07:00

The Obama administration proposed today a new set of policies to reel in control of the US’s financial sector. The head of the newly proposed initiatives is Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, who suggests the rules of the game must totally be revamped in order to both get the economy back on track and prevent a similar melt down in the future. Some of Geithner’s proposals have thrown up serious red flags in Republican camps while other proposals have simply been too radical for either side of Congress to sort out.

One of Geithner’s proposals would establish a permanent tire-fire on Wall Street. The proposed fire would serve to eliminate speculation on Wall Street and foster a “trade only when necessary” attitude among brokers. While Geithner has squabbled with his staff about the number of tires required to achieve the desired result, the principal seems to be a staple of the new reforms.

“Well I know it would change my trading habits, for sure," said Alex Petrovic, a broker who works in the New York Stock Exchange. “I used to speculate and get all sorts of good people into trouble. But with a tire-fire in the streets, I would not get anywhere near Wall Street unless I had a sure fire trade to make.”

April Haddock, a senior member on Geithner’s staff, also explained that many of the district’s brokers would inevitably need days off to recuperate from major respiratory complications and others would simply just die.

“This administration is no longer going to allow ‘business-as-usual’ to destroy our financial institutions,” said Haddock. “These new initiatives should at best be able to achieve the same result, but at least we can say we are doing something differently.”

The area’s Chamber of Commerce is not warming up to the idea of a constant tire-fire driving tourists and their money to other parts of New York, but it thinks that their creative minds should be able to offset the downside.

“I think the chance to throw a fresh tire onto the Great Wall Street Tire-Fire has tremendous potential as an area attraction,” says Jason Soledad, area CoC member. “And, you know, maybe one day people will associate New York City with the Statue of Liberty, the Yankees, and one gigantic tire-fire.”

Though it has not yet been confirmed, speculation is rampant about Geithner’s attempts to require toxic banks like WaMu, Fannie Mae, and others, to operate sulfur mines on bank premises.

Czech Prime Minister ousted for anti-Obama rhetoric

2009-03-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.iht.com/articles/2009/03/25/europe/union.php

After spouting negative comments about Barack Obama’s economic maneuvers, Czech Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek was dealt a devastating vote of no confidence by his parliament. Topolanek, who concurrently serves as EU President, described the American president’s stimulus package as “a way to hell” while preparing for next week’s crucial EU G-20 meeting in Paris. Now the embattled Prime Minister is scrambling to recover before Barack Obama himself comes to Prague for a scheduled visit.

“Mr. Topolanek should have known better,” Jiri Paroubek, head of the opposing party that lead the vote of no confidence, told reporters yesterday. “Europe has a very firm, no-tolerance policy when it comes to slandering Obama. Think back to the months before the US elections. Did you hear any negative talk whatsoever about Barack Obama? No. None. Not in the media, not in the political chambers, not in the drunken hooligan brawls. What was he thinking?”

Paroubek had been trying to oust the Prime Minister for months, and the negative comments gave him exactly what he needed to seal the deal. The Czech parliament voted overwhelmingly in opposition to Topolanek, many of them casting their votes with hot tears streaming down their faces over the “very hurtful things he said about Mr. Obama.”

After hearing the news from his hotel room in Paris, Topolanek rushed home to Prague to do some damage control. However, upon reaching the border outside of the German city of Chemnitz, the Prime Minister discovered that the locks at the border had been changed, and that he had no way to get in. Dejected, he was forced to drive to Berlin and stay overnight at a Youth Hostel to figure things out.

“It was horrible,” Topolanek said today. “The particular hostel I visited had a large group of German backpackers and about a dozen spoiled American study abroad students. They wouldn’t stop harassing me over what I had said about ‘the great Obama.’ Was I scared for my life? No. Everyone knows that these Obama supporters are a bunch of nancies when it comes to fighting. But I certainly didn’t get the sleep I needed.”

US Press Secretary Robert Gibbs informed the media that the previously planned trip to the Czech Republic is now in question. Initial plans are to delay the meeting, but it may be canceled altogether.

“People know where we stand with things like this,” Gibbs said. “Our rhetoric and history shows that we are happy to sit down at the tables of our enemies. But we are less inclined to sit with those who outright insult us. We snubbed Fox News. We snubbed Rush Limbaugh. We will likely snub Topolanek.”

More economic woes: Dinosaur fossil industry takes a hit

2009-03-25T08:11:00.002-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/03/22/dinosaur.auction/index.html

A recent auction of dinosaur bones, fossils and other such Jurassic antiquities at Western Paleontological Laboratories revealed yet another depressing fact in an already woeful economy: people just aren’t buying dinosaurs like they used to. Paleontologists at the Utah-based institute dedicated to the digging up, cleaning up and marking up of fossilized osseous matter are simply baffled by the loss in market value of their prehistoric treasures.

“This is nothing like it was in the late ‘90’s,” Dr. Bode Rasmussen said while shaking his head. “We used to be able to sell a Compsognathus for well over a hundred grand. Now, we’re lucky to get a T-Rex off of our lots for about 80 thousand—and even then we have to add all sorts of buyer incentives.”

The latest auction was proof enough that prices were falling rapidly, and also that consumers were not about to make any sort of fossil purchase without all the bells and whistles included in the purchase price. A teenage woolly mammoth, for example, was sold at a paltry $60,000 dollars, and only after the auctioneer said that WPL would include a state of the art stereo system and hydraulics upgrades, as well as free installation of the skeleton in the buyers’ home.

Matt Hampton, a California native who gave the highest bid for the mammoth, said that he acknowledges the killer deal he got on the creature, but does not feel he is ripping off the paleontologists. “Yeah, I’ve been eyeing a teenage mammoth for my living room for quite some time,” he told reporters, “but I told these guys straight up that I wasn’t going above 60. I told ‘em I’d walk if they tried to push me above that. I almost walked just now when Dr. Rasmussen tried to sell me an extended warranty.”

Sales are expected to decline throughout the rest of the year, and paleontologists aren’t exactly sure how to weather the storm. Many are considering switching jobs or going back to school to teach, but that just isn’t good enough for Rasmussen.

“Look, I got into this industry for the express purpose of being a dino-digger,” an angry Rasmussen explained. “Just like Dr. Grant in Jurassic Park. That’s me. That’s who I am, and I have no intention of quitting. And people had better start realizing that these dinosaurs aren’t going to dig themselves out. What will they do then? Huh? Dig the bones themselves? I don’t think so. It took me 7 years of higher education to learn how to use a shovel correctly, so if any old Joe schmo thinks he can just go and dig out a dinosaur, he’s got another thing coming.”

Obama proposes new airline security measures

2009-03-24T07:14:00.002-07:00

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/mar/17/guns-on-a-plane-obama-secretly-ends-program-that-l/

In a more or less secretive move this week, the Obama administration has denied commercial airline pilots the post-9-11 right to carry firearms with them during flights. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told a hand-selected group of reporters that the action was the result of the administration’s “Guns scare the hell out of me” policy, and that it was simply a matter of time before pilots were denied this provision.

“Well, let’s be 100% honest,” Press Secretary Gibbs told reporters, “none of us in the administration has ever handled a gun, much less ever owned one for personal protection, and that may be a contributing factor to our unfounded fear of firearms. But policy is policy, and we’re sticking to it.”

In anticipation of backlash from the public, President Obama has already created a new measure for ensuring the safety of domestic airline passengers: Samuel L. Jackson will accompany every flight in the U.S.

“We came to the conclusion that Jackson would be perfect after the President, myself and Defense Secretary Robert Gates watched the movie Snakes on a Plane while on Air Force One,” Gibbs explained. “It was like a revelation to all of us. After we saw what Jackson was capable of on a commercial liner, we all looked at each other with that ‘are-you-thinking-what-I’m-thinking?’ look.”

The actor was thrilled to hear of the news, and although he admitted he would miss acting, he felt a surge of patriotic duty and could not refuse the job. “I’d do anything for Barry,” Jackson told reporters outside of his Hollywood residence. “I’m so proud to have him as my president, and if he needs my help to keep the people safe, you’d better believe I’ll be there without any questions asked.”

Jackson’s presence on airplanes alone is expected to completely nullify all threats of violence and terrorism on domestic flights. The President did feel that an isolated incident might arise every few years, but said that anyone who was foolish enough to go toe-to-toe with Jackson would quickly become a statistic proving the effectiveness of the new measure.

“There will be one major shortfall, however,” Gibbs said. “As there is only one Samuel Jackson, we will have to reduce the number of flights to as many as Jackson can fit into a single day. Now, before you get all angry, please know that we are also trying to get Matt Damon of the Bourne Identity series, Bruce Willis from Die Hard, and Liam Neeson from Taken to also become airline security personnel. This will enable us to have… four times as many flights.”

Shelli Van der Berg, a business woman who travels nearly every other week for her job, was disappointed about the cut-back in flights, but was relieved to learn of an airline security measure that will actually work. “I was an advocate of airline pilots carrying firearms, but knowing that Samuel L. Jackson is on the plane with us makes me feel so much safer.”

NASA Probe in Search of Life Quickly Completes Mission; Returns to Earth

2009-03-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

Shock and bewilderment crept across NASA headquarters this afternoon when its spacecraft, Kepler, successfully touched back down after only 16 days in space. Officials slapped each other on the back and cracked open bottles of champagne. Early indications suggested that the spacecraft had completed its mission, namely, locating sources of life in outer space. But jubilation over what at first was thought to be an earth-shattering discovery quickly gave way to frustration over a programming technicality that ruined the entire mission.

Scott Mayberry, who has spent the last seven years of his life working for NASA as the head of the Kepler project, explained that the probe had indeed completed its objective. The probe had in fact found life in space. The only problem was that the probe indicated Earth as the source.

“I guess we all got so caught up in the excitement of the project that we forgot to let the probe know that we already were aware of life on our own planet,” said Mayberry. “But the spacecraft did exactly what it was supposed to do. It located life and then returned home to for processing.”

Kepler’s logs indicated that the spacecraft quickly pinpointed earth as a potential candidate for life. The probe spent the next 13 days testing its hypothesis and then returned home once its analysis was complete. The $18 billion project was seen as an enormous failure, and comes at a time when the Obama administration needs some positive feedback from government spending initiatives.

“Well it just makes you laugh,” says Donald Rodenbaugh, assistant project manager. “You know this reminds me of the time in 1989 when we sent a probe to explore Mars and then we found it four days later loitering around the candy bars in a Philadelphia supermarket. But these things happen and you just have to move on.”

Further examination of the probe's logs indicated that the probe located signs of life on earth but did specify that the life was intelligent. Mayberry was able to shed some clarification on this matter:

“I am pretty sure this is a subtle attempt by the probe to mock the staff and I,” he said. “I have poured my heart and soul into that thing and now the craft is mocking me for making such a technical mistake. But I’ll win in the end because I know where all the blow torches are”

NASA’s next scheduled launch has been delayed over fears that all the Lego’s they used were not properly covered in tin foil.

Embarrassed White House Chef Borrows Eggs from Neighbors

2009-03-19T07:21:00.001-07:00

A situation arose today at the White House when the culinary staff ran out of eggs and was unable to cook breakfast for Malia and Sasha Obama. The Obamas instituted a nonnegotiable house rule upon moving in that their children must be fed a proper breakfast before school each morning. This task was given to head cook Julian Miller and until this morning the chef had come through in spades for children.

Early this morning as Julian was taking inventory of food stocks the cook noticed that they had run out of eggs. With ‘scrambled eggs’ firmly embedded in the menu the chef met the children in the hallway and asked if they wanted waffles instead.

“The kids had been looking forward to scrambled eggs but they agreed to waffles instead,” said Julian. “It was only moments later that I remembered that waffles require eggs too.”

At this point, Julian made a mad dash down Pennsylvania Avenue to the first set of apartments he came to. Megan Wright, who resides in apartment #114, answered the door.

“I was just getting ready to leave for the morning when this crazy chef starts banging on my door,” explained Wright. “He demanded that I hand over 6 eggs under order of the White House Culinary Staff. It figures after all the taxes I pay they would come after my eggs too. I bet they won’t even let me write this off.”

With eggs in tow, Julian made it back to the kitchens just in time to send the kids off to school with a breakfast of hot waffles. But the mishap did not go unnoticed by President Obama.

The President, who is a fan of scrambled eggs, always comes to breakfast early on mornings when they are on the menu. When the President was served waffles in their place he pursued the matter further.

“Yeah, I got a bit of a reprimand,” admitted Julian. “The President reminded me that the new stimulus package allocated $84 million for eggs in the White House, and that running out was simply unconscionable.”

The President also feels that the $16.2 million invested in obtaining the perfect scrambled egg recipe was put to waste by Julian. At a time when CEO’s across the country are being grilled for their improper use of government issued bailout funds the President can ill afford to have such a scandal arise in his own house.

Tomorrow’s breakfast menu calls for quiche and it is unknown whether Julian has gotten any more eggs.

New York Area Charity Offering Donators A Chance to Punch Madoff Square in the Nuts

2009-03-17T12:23:00.002-07:00

New York City charity, ‘The Gift of Punch’, reported record earnings this week as they unveiled a new charity drive to help hundreds of individuals who have been scammed out of their life savings. The charity wishes to collect donations from individuals all over the world in order to give what little assistance they can to investors who got caught up in Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. Madoff has recently pled guilty to running a fraudulent investment company which swindled millions of dollars from unwitting investors.

Donators who contribute to the charity are rewarded with feelings of kindness knowing they have been able to help out those who have fallen on hard times. In addition to this warmth of spirit, donators will get a chance to punch Madoff in the nuts.

Charity founder, Abbey Ingvar, is overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of the people of the world.

“I knew we had a good idea when we thought to collect money for these people who lost all their savings,” said Ingvar, “and I was thrilled when the NYC courts allowed us to raise this money by offering a chance to nut-punch Mr. Madoff.”

Since that announcement was made thousands from all over the globe have been giving freely of their money to the cause.

Marty Schuler, of Mobile, Alabama, said he sent $200 dollars to the cause and then spent another $250 on plane tickets to New York City. He has also convinced his cousin to join the effort.

“This here is a once in a lifetime opportunity,” said Schuler. “Who knows when the chance to pay good money to a helpin’ cause will come up again? I ain’t never punched nobody in their nuts before. Well, I mean, I never paid to do it”

Ingvar says that the response has been so overwhelming that she has had to look for a larger venue to host the event.

I was originally just going to have these people come to the jail and punch him there” explained Ingvar, “but the jail is starting to get worried about hosting so many people with visitor passes. I have already spoken with Madison Square Garden and it looks like we may be able to do it at halftime of the upcoming Knicks-Pistons game.”

TNT, who is scheduled to televise the game, is over-the-moon at the prospect of landing such a fantastic halftime event. TNT basketball analyst, Charles Barkley, has already made the necessary nut-punching contribution to ‘The Gift of Punch’ and will be interviewed about the strategy behind a good punch to the nuts just prior to doing the deed.

Speedo has joined the event by offering to outfit the swindling Madoff in its newest line of revealing swimwear. BMW is trying to gain clarification on the definition of a “punch,” and wants to get clearance to drive a brand new BMW 2009 G650GS into Madoff’s privates.

Ingvar admits that she was not prepared for the type of response the charity has generated and she is already working on a new event involving former NY governor, Eliot Spitzer.

George Lucas to be grilled over “Space Junk”

2009-03-16T14:18:00.001-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/space/03/16/space.station.debris/index.html

After a bullet-sized piece of space debris came within a dangerously close 3 miles of the International Space Station, astronauts are bracing themselves again for an oncoming scrap that might could possibly collide with their vessel.

“It has us quite panicked,” spaceman Yury Lonchakov told reporters. “Although the tiny piece of debris won’t be within range for nearly 24 hours, maneuvering this craft requires the approval of a multi-lateral panel consisting of American and Russian scientists, politicians and bureaucrats, and you and I both know they won’t come to a decision within that time frame.”

Concerned for the safety of the cosmonauts, U.S. lawmakers have investigated where all this “space junk” is coming from and have determined that the majority of the metallic scraps floating in our immediate area of the universe came from the detonation of the first Death Star. As a result, Senator Barbara Boxman, Chairwoman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, has subpoenaed filmmaker George Lucas to a Senate hearing, where she plans to grill him on his questionable environmental practices during the cleanup phase of his hit movie Star Wars: A New Hope.

“Director George Lucas obviously was a bit careless when detonating the Death Star,” Senator Boxman said in a statement issued Monday. “Although the opening credits misleadingly tell us that the events depicted in the film took place ‘far, far away,’ the debris hammering our planet from the demolished Imperial behemoth is proof that things were happening closer than we thought.”

Lucas was aghast when he learned of the hearing, and tried to explain his side of the story to the media circus that had formed outside his Skywalker Ranch.

“Look, when we were filming A New Hope, Carter was president,” Lucas explained, “and we had all sorts of government oversight to ensure that our demolitions fell within regulated guidelines. We complied with all environmental parameters, so just because we know how to do better Death Star explosions now doesn’t mean I should be punished for doing the best I could back then.”

But Senator Boxman doesn’t buy it. “I’ve seen the movies,” she told CNN reporters. “The original Death Star explosion shows a really sloppy ka-boom, the kind that leaves a mess that nobody can clean up. And then in the re-make, the explosion looks efficient and thorough, as if everything was vaporized. My question to Lucas is: why the cover up?”

NASA officials aren’t really interested in whether or not Lucas is at fault for the large amounts of space junk afloat due to the Star Wars movies, but they do care to track other eventual fallout from other demolitions in the trilogy.

“It’s only a matter of time before we get hit by rocks from Alderaan, garbage from Star Destroyer dumps, and even more exploded material from the second Death Star,” NASA spokesperson Bruce Buckingham warned.

The subpoena has prohibited Lucas from creating any more movies until the hearing has been resolved, to which movie critics, film writers and average movie-goers cheered jubilantly.

“So this is how good science fiction dies,” Lucas commented on his way to Washington D.C. “With thunderous applause.”

New Health Bill to Limit Drug Prescriptions to Patients Who Blogvertise

2009-03-12T12:24:00.003-07:00

Pharmaceutical capitalists moved today to ensure that their evil empire will endure through the new health care plans being discussed within Congress and the White House. Through an endless campaign of lobbying and simple bribes the drug companies have pieced together congressional support for a bill that will only discount medications to those who peddle prescription drugs using www.blogvertise.com. The proposed bill would require patients seeking relief via prescription drugs to manage a blog whereby they write about the wonders, benefits, and general greatness of various prescription drugs. Guidance about which drugs to glorify would be provided through www.blogvertise.com. Once blog posts are deemed satisfactory by the website’s administrators, patients would become eligible for discounts to their needed medication.

This power play by the industry puts drug companies back in the driver’s seat and salvages any advantages that may have been put into jeopardy through health care nationalization.

Department of Education Proposes Change from ‘No Child Left Behind’ to ’Fifty-Eight Children Left Behind’

2009-03-11T12:17:00.001-07:00

An effort to reconstruct the nation’s education system is underway and the Department of Education has been piecing together proposals to submit to the President by Thursday. The Department of Education is responsible for the President’s campaign initiative to create a more favorable and competitive education curriculum. The challenges are quite real and the Department seems to be learning that a lot of compromise will have to take place between competing ventures.

Part of the planned proposal will scale back on the optimism of the ‘No Child Left Behind Act’ and replace it with the ‘Fifty-Eight Children Left Behind Act.’ Michelle Norton, a staff member with the Department of Education, has been heading up this initiative and thinks that leaving behind fifty-eight children is both necessary and fiscally responsible.

“We just have to leave some children behind,” said Norton. “Specifically, we need to leave fifty-eight of them behind. The budget does not work out any other way. This initiative is a step towards a robust national education program that will be among the best in the Americas.”

Speculation about how these fifty-eight will be selected has been rampant within parenting groups and educational tabloids. Many are suggesting that this program will target typically Republican families in an effort to reduce the number of educated Republicans. Others think that selections should be made based upon which parents are addicted to watching ‘Wife Swap.’

Jody Mayfair, an elementary teacher in Omaha, Nebraska, wishes the federal government would stick with the current method of rubberstamping everything at all times no matter the reason. Mayfair thinks that the busywork of a competent teaching curriculum will really hamper the childrens’ self esteem. The current way of doing things doesn’t allow children to realize that they are stupid and in that way they are not left behind.

The ‘Fifty-Eight Children Left Behind Act’ is also said to be coupled with the ‘Big Bird Left Behind Act.’ Sesame Street, which has long received federal educational funding, is being asked to cut down on labor costs by letting Big Bird go.

“The cost of subsidizing such an ostentatious bird is enormous,” says Michelle Norton. “We can really get to the meat and potatoes of the show when he is gone. Big bird would still be allowed in print media, mind you, but he would have to leave the show in order to make ends meet.”

A “Who Killed Big Bird?” episode is said to already be in the works.

Former Child Star Knut Now Heavy into Drugs and Alcohol

2009-03-10T07:50:00.001-07:00

Knut, the former child star polar bear cub who gained worldwide renown when he burst onto the scene in early 2007, is facing some very difficult times as he reaches adolescence. Photos released this morning by an undisclosed German photographer seemingly show the bear partaking of illegal substances while also consorting with the zoo’s rough and tumble dingo crowd. This comes as a shock to millions of supporters around the world who cheered the cub on and helped launch the bear to greatness only a few years ago.

Little Heidi Schuster remembers seeing the cub frolic and play in his pen on the day he was unveiled to the public.

“He was so cute. He gave me such hope,” said Heidi between sobs. “How could this be? I have posters of him all over my room. I feel so confused. Doesn’t he know what he means to me? He should have stayed away from those dingoes”

The listless bear has made fewer and fewer public appearances over the past several months and when he does venture outside he is simply unanimated. The new Knut is a far cry from the one the world fell love with and this simple fact has ruffled many feathers.

“This bear has an obligation to the public that made him who he is,” said Marcus Stahl, a frequent visitor to the Berlin Zoo. “This is a personal affront to all of us who bought his T-shirts and wear his cologne.”

“Well this is just so typical,” said Karoline Kleine. “You find something you can love and it turns into a farce. Well I am just going to stay home and watch re-runs of Hogan’s Heroes from now on.”

Despite the belligerent reaction from many of his fans others have been a little more understanding. Mikel Ulrich, of Potsdam, points out that the bear has already had to face more than most of us will in a lifetime.

“I mean, the bear was abandoned by his mother right at birth,” Ulrich explains, “and then his twin brother goes and dies a few days later. He was raised by zookeepers who, I have heard, are very fond of rum. He is launched into stardom at a very young age without any preparation on how to handle his fame and now you want to crucify him for getting into a little trouble.”

Some have begun to suggest that Knut would benefit from a temporary reassignment to a calmer zoo such as Oslo or Copenhagen, but the curator in Berlin says the bear is not going anywhere.

“Look, the kid made a mistake,” said zoo curator, Jens Steinbach. “He is scheduled to hold a press conference on Friday and he has already issued an apology on his website. We are confident in Knut’s ability to continue to bring millions of Euros to the zoo.”

Knut has not made a public appearance since the photos were made available and the zoo has refused to say whether or not the bear is in zoo’s detoxification clinic.

Computer model predicts U.S. collapse, followed by Palin-led takeover of Moscow

2009-03-09T07:56:00.001-07:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/25/igor-panarin-us-will-brea_n_146427.html

Professor Igor Panarin of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs told the Associated Press last week that he has strong evidence showing the imminent collapse of the United States by 2010. Using a highly sophisticated computer program that simulates the future of existing governments based on history, economics and the rotation of the earth, the state-sponsored pundit explained that the U.S. of A. can in no way sustain itself for long, and that it would collapse and break into six smaller sub-nations, each to be ruled by a foreign government.

“It’s hard to dispute what the computer spells out,” Panarin told reporters. “I’ve been using this program to gamble on the Australian cricket circuit for months, and I haven’t lost yet. It is clear that the U.S. will collapse, and I expect that Mother Russia and China will become the new international superpowers.”

Panarin went further to explain that the ensuing lawlessness of the collapse would necessitate a Russian intervention in regions of strategic interest, mainly Alaska.

“The land that Seward purchased so many years ago will be brought back into Russian hands, and this is a good thing, for two reasons. One, we Russians actually make good use of our oil reserves, so ANWAR will finally service the international community by providing much needed fuel. Reason number two, Putin has been wanting to hunt Kodiak bear for decades, but your laws have prohibited this. After we take over, he can have a much needed hunting vacation.”

The results of the computer model caused many reporters to be in a mild state of panic, and several U.S. news personnel pressed Panarin harder for more information on what he thought would happen after the collapse.

“Well,” Panarin told the group of American reporters after stepping away from the main group, “there is something in the model that brings hope to the American people. Mind you, this analysis is a bit fuzzy because it is based on the U.S. collapse—which hasn’t happened yet. But it would seem that the computer expects the Russian advance on Alaska to end at the town of Wasilla, where it will be met with fierce resistance from the Palin family. The computer shows that not only will Sarah Palin and family thwart any further advance by Russian troops, but also that her brood will push them all the way back to Moscow, where the Russian government will likely surrender to her.”

Reporters quickly relayed this news to the Alaskan governor, asking if she felt that this were at all a possibility.

“You betcha,” Palin responded.

Ban Ki-moon Invokes ‘Magic Word’ Policy on Darfur

2009-03-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7925509.stm

More bad news comes out of the Darfur region of Sudan today as President Omar al-Bashir expels humanitarian aid givers from the area. Bashir has now ensured that an already tenuous situation will remain so as he refuses to work with the United Nations and other international organizations who in the very least are trying to give some sustenance to millions of displaces refugees.

UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon, responded aggressively to the situation. The prospect of human suffering is now as acute as it has ever been for the citizens of Darfur

"Bashir has defied us on almost every hand,” explained the angry Security General. "Even when we have been allowed to bring in aid the ruling warlords have harassed aid-givers, stolen supplies, and openly defied the spirit of the UN. Well the UN is now prepared to invoke the ‘Magic Word’ policy. By this I mean we are going to ask ‘please.’ Please let us send aid-givers back in to the region.”

President Bashir, who this morning expelled aid-givers with a brash and cocky demeanor, was notably shaken by the course of action outlined by the UN as he met with military officials outside his compound.

A sullen Bashir mounted the podium this afternoon to address the few media outlets with outposts in the area.

“Wow. These guys mean business don’t they,” said Bashir. “Well, I was pretty serious this morning when I told them all to get out of here but with this new edict in place I am prepared to think about this before it escalates into something unfortunate.”

The whole incident was brought to pass today when the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Bashir for myriad war crimes and other atrocities. The news prompted Bashir to expel humanitarian aid, which in turn prompted Ban Ki-moon to invoke the ‘Magic Word’ policy. While the situation has evolved into a stalemate, the UN is confident that Bashir will not refuse to comply with such a forceful display of power.

“Power only responds to power,” said Addis Mtuboto of the office of the Secretary General. “We have laid our cards on the table and called Bashir’s bluff. He’ll roll over and die just like that convoy of ours he attacked last week.”

Meanwhile the ICC has taken a page out of the UN’s playbook by formally asking Bashir if they could, ”please issue a warrant for [his] arrest.” This will be followed up with “please may we try you for war crimes,” and finally, “please may we imprison you forever in the Hague.”

Representatives from the five permanent members of the UN Security Council issued the following statement: “Moon did what? Hmmm…Maybe NATO could handle this.”

Nation’s Top Macro-Economist Suggest Stimulus of Cheese

2009-03-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

Debates about the nation’s frail economy and the feasibility of already passed measures to help the nation turn the economic tide have the Obama administration scrambling to consider further options. The President and the Secretary of the Treasury, Tim Geithner, have been hosting many of the nation’s key economists in order to sort out and make predictions about the economy and measures enacted to correct it. While the President has not made any changes to laws and budgets already proposed, he has been attentive to the ongoing exchanges behind closed doors.

Brennan Colter, of Stanford University’s Department of Economics, has been the most vocal about enacting new policies to put the economy back on track. Colter is considered to be one of the nation’s leading macro-economists and has written several books on macro-economic theory. Colter has, in these last few meetings, been emphatically calling for substantial influxes of cheese to the nation’s economy.

“Look, I am not supposed to go into details about these meetings,” said Colter, “but one thing a macro-economist knows is that cheese is usually the best. I mean, you can use cream of mushroom of soup and some ground beef but that will only get you so far. We have to stick with what works, now is not the time to experiment with untried recipes.”

Colter has been met with severe criticism of his idea that cheese will somehow by itself turn around the sluggish economy. Most of his opposition has come from economists in the micro-economic field.

“Cheese is good yeah,” said Irwin Horton of Tulane, “but it does not re-heat very well. We can’t rely on cheese alone; the macro-economy has to consider micro-economic necessities.”

Brian Porterhouse, of Duke University, has also been critical of Colter’s assessment. “These Stanford guys just think you can throw something in for one minute on high and everything will come out perfect,” said Porterhouse. “A good micro-economist knows that you have to use all the buttons. Some things need to defrost and sometimes you need to set it on medium for a little longer. Don’t give me all this talk about cheese, even though that is my favorite macro-economic discipline.”

The President’s Press Secretary, Roger Gibbs, was asked today during a scheduled briefing how the talks were going and though he refused to go into details he did make mention of the subject.

“The President has listened very carefully to every school of thought,” said Gibbs. “We have already included an ample amount of cheese in the original stimulus bill signed into law. The President will have to consider whether the current amount of cheese is definitive or if the cream of ‘whatever’ school has any usefulness. We will have more on this down the road.”

Ted Kennedy to be knighted by Queen of England; Senator Orrin Hatch expected to write commemoration hymn

2009-03-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article5842904.ece

During his visit to the United States this week, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that Senator Ted Kennedy would be receiving an honorary knighthood from the British Crown for his years of knight-worthy service in the United States. Despite the bestowal being wholly unconstitutional under Article I, Section 9 of the U.S. Constitution, Kennedy is expected to accept this prestigious award without any anticipated objection from ranking D.C. officials.

Kennedy was ecstatic about the news, and appeared to be celebrating with a bottle of 27-year-old Scotch.

“Oh, actually, I’ve been working on this bottle for a few days now,” the venerable Senator told reporters, “but now that I actually have something to drink to, I think I may break out another two bottles.”

Among the members of Congress joining in the jubilation was Utah Senator Orrin Hatch, a longtime friend of the Massachusetts legislator and one who has written a number of songs and hymns in honor of Kennedy. Senator Hatch informed other reporters that he began composing a tune in his to commemorate the event as soon as Prime Minister Brown had finished his speech.

“Can I tell you that I just love that man,” an exuberant Hatch said. “I love him, I love him, I love him! And it is such a joy to be able to relish this moment with him in person. I now have the honor… no, no I have the DUTY to compose a musical memorial for him. I’ve actually got a few lines already—keep in mind, this is just a rough draft of sorts, but it’s a start. It goes to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of this portly Kennedy
As he trampled on the mem’ries of that chick named Kopechne
He hath loosed his pants from getting fat off tax-paid salaries
This windbag marches on…

“Of course,” Hatch continued, “the real version will be much kinder to the Senator and his illustrious career, but it’s hard to get all those good memories to rhyme on such short notice. I’ll keep working on it.”

Some D.C. Outsiders are a bit disturbed by the knighthood being given to Kennedy, but were pacified when officials from Westminster Abbey announced that Elijah Wood was to be knighted next month in honor of his diligent victory over Mordor.

First Dog owes hundreds of thousands in back taxes

2009-03-04T09:59:00.002-07:00

In what has become a long string of continued disappointment and embarrassment for the President, it was revealed on Thursday that the First Dog owes the IRS a whopping $347,000 in unpaid taxes. This becomes the fifth member of Obama’s coterie to announce a history of problems with taxes. Although the details on how the Portuguese Water Dog was able to amass such an overwhelming debt to the IRS, it has been alleged that the mutt’s affinity for Beggin’ Strips and collector edition Marmaduke comics caused him to get behind on his payments.

“This is certainly a terrible blow,” the President said on Thursday, rubbing his forehead in obvious frustration. “It is very concerning to me that our vetting process could have so many holes in it. I mean, we are very thorough in our investigations, and it pains me to know that we put this pup through hell only to find out later that he was withholding pertinent information on the matter after we’d adopted him. But what can I do more than say 'BAD DOG!'? It’s a terrible shame.”

The Obamas are now uncertain how to move forward. Past administration picks with unresolved tax-issues were given the option of holding a resignation press conference to help clear the Obama name while taking full responsibility for the matter upon themselves. Yet with the hound, no such conference will be possible. One senior advisor has encouraged the President to disavow the indebted pooch and send him to a D.C. dog pound. But 7-year-old daughter Sasha will never allow that.

“I don’t understand why all the grown-ups are upset about this,” the innocent Obama girl said while scratching the family dog’s ears. “I mean, I hear mommy and daddy talking all the time about helping out the stupid people who made dumb money decisions. Why can’t they help our dog, too?”

The matter remains unresolved, but there are rumors that the President met secretly with Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to work on a deal that would expunge the debt owed by the pup.

“I’m a bit fuzzy on the details,” a White House insider—who wished to have his identity withheld—told reporters, “but there was some talk about sacking Brad Anderson and the entire Marmaduke franchise, which makes sense because I’ve heard Geithner passionately voice his hate for the Great Dane. He’s been looking for a way to ban the comic for years, so with the First Dog being in this much trouble, Geithner now has the opportunity he needs. Plus, the move will help cure the pup’s addiction to the comic strip. I’d expect an executive order any day now that calls for the head of Marmaduke.”

More details on this story as it develops.

New species of seagull discovered in Walmart parking lot

2009-03-03T10:44:00.002-07:00

Scientists in Oklahoma announced today the discovery of a new species of seagull found in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The now-famous gull has been hanging around the area and harassing customers at the Broken Arrow Superstore for many months, but it was not until a close encounter with Ethan Mayfair, of the Oklahoma Department of Fish and Game, that it was noticed the bird was not the same as other gulls found in the state.

“This bird swooped down on me and stole my frozen shrimp as I was leaving the store a week ago,” said Mayfair. “I got a real good look at him and I noticed that he was special. I called a professor buddy of mine over at Oklahoma State and had him come down to take a look.”

This Parking Lot Gull, as the species is being informally named, is indeed different from other gulls, especially in the feet. While most gulls have flat, broad feet, the Parking Lot Gull’s feet show distinct toes. Also, the newfound gull has furrowed eyebrows that give it a menacing and angry look.

Percy Wainwright, emeritus professor of biology at OSU who was called to investigate the gull at Mayfair’s request, explains that the gull is a prime example of Darwinistic evolutionary theories. “This new species has evolved in a way to survive in the ultra competitive world of superstore mayhem. Its toes allow it to claw grocery bag carriers into submission and with those same toes it can nab its target. Also, evolution has given the gull an angry visage and the bird is capable accomplishing its design by simply looking at you.”

Many shoppers at the Broken Arrow Wal-Mart suggest that the Parking Lot Gull can distinguish between customers carrying peanut butter and customers carrying a more coveted box of fish sticks. “I saw this thing overturn a metal trash receptacle filled to the brim with garbage,” said local shopper, Morgan Asletrin. “It was an awe-inspiring site to see this majestic bird rip through plastic containers and other debris before it started choking on a packet of ketchup.”

It is unknown how many more of the species are currently living in Oklahoma and throughout the world, but attempts to identify similar gulls are already being undertaken across the nation. Though the bird is newly discovered, the WWF is already pushing paperwork to list the species as endangered, which would give the gull federal protection.

Despite other options in town, many residents are shopping at the superstore just for a chance to catch a glimpse of the Parking Lot Gull. Lucy Phillips said that despite the nasty scratch her daughter received from the gull it is still comforting to be close to nature and see its miracle. But others in town are not so sympathetic.

“It’s a big ugly seagull just like any other big ugly seagull,” said Nathan Best. “My only care about the species is when and where I will be allowed to hunt it. Also, it stole my antennae ball.”

Keanu Reeves hired as colloquial interpreter for Defense Secretary Robert Gates

2009-03-02T09:52:00.001-07:00

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/03/02/gates-calls-pakistan-most-worrisome/

In a press conference on Monday, U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates described the nation of Pakistan as “most worrisome.” Aware of the reporters’ reaction to his odd choice of words to describe the nation that poses the biggest threat to the Afghanistan theater, Gates clarified his rather “hip” description.

“President Obama has asked that I be fully invested in his efforts to create more transparency,” the Defense secretary explained. “Apparently, John Q. Citizen is not versed in the quotidian vernacular of the world of defense. For whatever reason, when I announce that Pakistan’s newfangled activities have compelled us to elevate our threat level to ORANGE, it means nothing to the average Joe. Ergo, the President has forfended the subsequent use of my loquacious erudition in matters of defense reporting. As such, I have employed the vulgar craft of Keanu Reeves to assist in the interpretation of our view of international threats.”

Mr. Reeves has already done much to help “dumb-down” the confusing defense reports. In addition to proof-reading and editing Mr. Gates’ speeches, Reeves has also created a website with current information regarding our threat-assessment levels for sovereign nations.

“Robbie and I sat down last week and created a whole new way to describe the world abroad,” Reeves told reporters. “For example, Cuba used to be an ORANGE threat, but with Castro’s bad health, it went down to YELLOW. Still doesn’t mean anything to you and me, so we now describe Cuba as ‘most uninteresting.’”

Reeves revealed that in place of a color-system, the communication to regular citizens would be based on adjectives that can describe in a quick snapshot how Americans should treat and react to anyone from these different countries. When asked if he could disclose the whole list to us, Reeves paused and looked around.

“Um… Robbie didn’t really say, but I guess I could give you some of them.” After logging onto the site, Reeves read off a few of his favorites:

Pakistan: most worrisome
Cuba: most uninteresting
Afghanistan: most triumphant
Iraq: most un-triumphant
Zimbabwe: most WTF?!?
Somalia: most piratey
Russia: most aggravating
Korea: most un-intimidating
Iran: most anti-Semitic
Australia: most excellent
China: most bodacious

Most reporters were thrilled with the new assessment strategy for the lay citizen, yet one was very upset that China was given a “most bodacious” description, which seemed too positive for the very real threat that they pose to the U.S.

“Oh, believe me, Robbie and I fought over this one for an hour,” Reeves clarified. “But in the end, he couldn’t get past my sound argument in favor of the ‘most bodacious’ attribution. What was my argument? Simple: they know Kung-Fu. Friggin’ bodacious, if you ask me.”

Yanni charged with conspiracy to commit terrorism

2009-02-27T15:59:00.001-07:00

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/02/27/alleged-terrorist-charged-with-conspiracy/

Greek-born new age musician Yanni has been arrested after authorities discovered documentation in his Santorini villa revealing a scheme targeting US officials.

Yanni’s plot included plans to use his music to lull high-ranking members of the US government into a coma-like sleep, whereupon he would steal the “football” and sell it to the highest bidder on the black market.

“I didn’t think they would have ever suspected me,” an emotionless Yanni told reporters as he was led to a detention center. “My hair is just too nice. It’s clean, and it shines brilliantly against the Mediterranean sun. I use Pantene for crying out loud. How many terrorists do you know that use Pantene? There’s not a soul in all of Iran whose hair has as much body or sheen as mine.”

More on this as it develops.

Green Party wants guns evicted from Swiss homes

2009-02-27T14:01:00.002-07:00

http://www.iht.com/articles/2009/02/24/europe/swiss.4-437154.php

The Swiss are internationally sterotyped for only a few things: strong banks, pig-tailed Alpine maidens, watches, pocket-knives etc. But now, one of the most distinguishing features of Swiss culture is about to be sacked: the storage of fully-automatic military grade assault rifles in private residences.

Josef Lang, a leading figure in Switzerland’s most annoying political faction, the Green Party, says that firearms in the home are one of the greatest threats to peaceful family living. As such, he is proposing legislature that would prohibit the safe-keeping of military rifles for the militia and storing them instead at military installations throughout the nation.

“These firearms are responsible for numerous incidents of manslaughter and homicide every year,” Lang said on Friday. “These weapons are unpredictable and volatile, and are making our homes unsafe.”

Indeed, many citizens are complaining about the issues that arrive with having their rifle at home with them. “They just aren’t very good guests,” Martin Kleiner says. “I often come home from work only to see my rifle rooting through my fridge and drinking all my beer. I tried to stop him once and he shot me, so of course I just let him carry on nowadays.”

“My rifle is constantly changing the channel when I watch TV,” says Gerd Wegemann. “Of course I hate it, but it’s an assault rifle! What do you say to an assault rifle? My wife made the mistake of yelling, ‘could you just leave it on one station for FIVE seconds?’ and of course he shot her dead right there. He’s a nuisance for sure, but we can’t do anything about it.”

Many Swiss tell stories about how they simply walk in the door and catch a bullet in the face, or that they find the firearms in bed with their wives. Even those who are for the storage of these weapons at home admit that the state-issued rifles are just plain ill-tempered.

“Yeah, I love my gun,” Bjorn Schaffner reveals, “but I understand where folks like the Green Party are coming from. It’s like owning a pet chimpanzee or pit-bull or whatever. You just have to know how to deal with its violent nature. Guns hate you. They want to kill you. That’s what they’re built for. So you know, I understand you might not like that, but hey, just deal with it!”

A reporter from CNN tried to get a statement from one of the assault rifles but was promptly shot.

New Budget Plan Appropriates Money to Dog Fighting Rings

2009-02-26T16:37:00.002-07:00

President Obama unveiled a new $3.5 trillion dollar federal budget on Thursday which appropriates billions of dollars over thousands of government projects. In addition to health care reform, education, infrastructure development, and renewable energy initiatives, the budget allocates $58.6 billion to rural economic sustainability. Dog-fighting grants are specifically mentioned in this rural initiative.

“In several meetings the President has suggested we be creative,” said Peter Orszag, Director of the Office of Management and Budget. “In order to drive the sustainability of the rural United States we’ll need to allow citizens the means to organize dog-fights.”

In related news announced today, former NFL superstar Michael Vick, who has been serving a prison sentence for bankrolling a dog-fighting operation in Virginia, will be moved to house arrest for the final months of his sentence. The timing of Vick’s departure from federal prison and the announcement of federal dog-fighting funds becoming available do not strike many as coincidence. The federal government may realize the useful role Vick can play in making this new feature of the budget a success.

Vick’s lawyers refused to comment directly about the situation but did indicate that it was not very difficult to read between the lines on this matter. Billy Martin, who has been part of Vick’s legal council through the ordeal, explained that his client “would soon be moved to house arrest at his estate in Hampton, Virginia. Martin also said that Vick has a sudden and unexpected pile of paperwork, photo shoots, kennel organizing, and, bookie profiles to sort out over these last few months under house arrest.

PETA was understandably mortified by the announcement. Though they have not issued an official statement, by mid-day on Thursday naked members of the organization were crawling on their hands and knees in Central Park while others held signs that said “I would rather crawl around naked than just about anything else.”

Samuel Waxbone, of Rock Springs, AR, stands to benefit from the new budget directive. He runs a small tamale cart outside the city hall and he thinks his tamales could be a hit at dog fighting events. “Its all about opportunity,” says Waxbone. “The government is bringing people together in a commercial cooperative. Dog-fighting will also serve to inspire the tamale, soda, alcohol, drug, and prostitution industries in these parts.”

Despite the effect this move may have on rural economic sustainability there are many who suggest the measure might be a little extreme. Davie Newcomb, who lives outside Davenport, IA, is conflicted about the decision to make dog-fighting accessible. “My cairn terrier could destroy any dog it faced but I have principals. I will not be a part of this, even if I could earn a lot of money. But I am glad it will soon be easier to abort more babies. Our President is a smart man.”

Obama Lays Out Game Plan for Economy

2009-02-25T08:09:00.001-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/24/obama.speech/index.html

President Obama laid out his ‘game plan’ on Tuesday night to get the American economy back on track. The President made use of great locker room jargon such as “confront boldly the challenges we face” and our problems “don’t lie beyond our reach.” Mr. Obama tried to drive the “teamwork” aspect of his game plan home as he continued an attempt to rally the public around his own enthusiasm.

One of the focal points of his game plan is job creation in the private sector. The President explained this focus by saying, “The projects created by the stimulus package will create many more jobs in the private sector than within the government.” The President then drove the point home when he said, “…and the point guard will come off the screen and either hit the big man down low or take the open shot.”

During the speech, Vice President Biden, wrinkled his eyebrows and looked around for confirmation that what he was hearing from the President was indeed correct. This was most notable when the President explained that, “the onus on government spending will allow banks to get back on defense quickly so the other team doesn’t score an easy layup in transition.”

A historical moment occurred at the 6 minute mark of the President’s speech when the President stepped away from the podium and nailed two free throws at a basket erected for the occasion. The audience seemed confused but decided to cheer anyway. Harry Mantru, who was in stands, said he thought the part about the refs failing to call a three second violation on WaMu was particularly important because it suggested that key whistle blowers who should keep our banks healthy have been asleep on the job. Harry was also lucky enough to catch a T-shirt that was fired into the stands.

The President’s speech writer, Jon Favreau, was asked about how he came up with what many are calling an unusual speech at best.

“Well a few days ago the President asked me to write this speech about getting the economy back on track. But at the same time he asked me to take notes on the Maryland/UNC game which he was going to miss. I thought I made distinctions between the game notes and the speech but maybe there was some confusion. All in all I think the President did a fabulous job and I am glad that next year Americans will be able to submit tournament brackets in place of tax returns.”

The PA announced the speech’s attendance at 2,814.

Nation’s Ducks to Fly South for the Summer Too

2009-02-24T15:00:00.001-07:00

The current economic recession is beginning to take a toll on the United States’ duck population. Early field reports indicate that few, if any, ducks will make the return trip north from their southward journeys beginning last fall. The change in migration patterns is describes as being related to a host of recession related problems, according to www.ducks.org.

Amont Jefferson, who works for the online organization and helps to simulate the website’s Waterfowl Migration Map, said that the decision to remain south of the U.S. border began to spread among migrating ducks last October. “It was about then the economy really began to show its spots. We recorded an abnormal amount of chatter within migrating V’s and we can only assume that the ducks were debating their course of action.

The southward trend came as bad news to Herman Schoebel, a school bus driver in Eagle, ID. “The school district is going to gerrymander the bus routes after the school year and I may be out of a job,” says Schoebel. I was counting on the fall duck hunt to bring a little bit of food into the house, but it looks like those ducks have outsmarted me again.”

Whether or not migrating ducks realized their value as edible meat would increase with the slumping economy remains to be seen. Early reports from Mexican and Caribbean game officials indicate that freshwater locations in their countries have been choked with waterfowl from the north. It is too early in the season to realize the ducks migrational intentions but state officials are preparing for a possible influx of ducks for the year.

“You can always tell which ducks are the Americans,” said Ernesto Guiterrez, a street vendor near Cancun. “I tried to wash this one duck’s beak and he just waved me off like I was some sort of third-world degenerate. Go back to the States! I get treated badly enough by our own ducks!”

The long term effects of this phenomenon is yet to be fully understood and though Congress is appraised of the situation they have yet to enact any duck-minded legislation. Many duck enthusiasts, including Brad Hyacinth, seem to think that this migration trend may be a natural development the came about independent of the slumping economy.

“Well, to tell you the truth,” said Hyacinth, “I don’t know why ducks ever come back or why they were ever here at all. I mean if you are a duck and you can go wherever you want how do you end up in North Dakota? I mean, if I were a duck I would be in Jamaica or Portugal or something. Are you suggesting that after spending a winter in the Caymans that you are really going to be compelled to come back to Minot?”

Curious George banned from PBS

2009-02-23T14:16:00.004-07:00

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/02/23/no-more-monkey-business/

In the aftermath of the brutal chimp attack that disfigured a Connecticut woman’s face, the House Committee on Natural Resources has decided to ban the keeping of primates as pets. Rep. Nick Rahall, chairman of this nearly unknown committee typically designated as a punishment for lackluster congressmen, has declared a quote-unquote war on the chimp-owning community.

“This is quite overdue,” a stern-faced Rahall said on Monday. “I don’t know why people haven’t seen this coming. We’re all very well aware of the colloquial phrase ‘to go ape.’ Did we really think that was just a joke? This is serious business.”

Along with forthcoming legislation aimed at prohibiting this practice, the House committee has decided to go after what they consider the root of our society’s chimp-loving problem: Curious George. Rahall said that he has evidence showing the connection between children who have grown up with the loveable monkey and those who have later been party to violent chimp attacks in domestic settings. He feels that if the affable ape is removed permanently from our lives, our world will be safer.

“I have always held Curious George as the single greatest menace to our citizens,” Rahall said. “Since the 1940’s, he has given children this atrocious concept that monkeys are cute and cuddly, and that when they damage priceless artifacts at the city museum, all will be pardoned by some yellow-clad lanky person. But this is not reality. In reality, there is no forgiving man-in-the-yellow-hat with a happy little chimp. In realty, there is grumpy, unshaven and inebriated fellow with a camouflage Budweiser baseball cap, and his ape will bite your freaking face off.”

Rahall has spoken with the producers of the beloved kids’ show, as well as with publishers who still distribute the classic antics of Mr. George, and given them a pre-emptive surrender notice. “There’s no way our legislation won’t pass,” said Elton Gallegly, a Republican committee member from California. “And it’s just fair to tell these businesses to prepare to shut down. We won’t tolerate their brainwashing anymore.”

Other such children’s shows are beginning to panic, afraid that this overzealous committee will come after them in the future. Gabriel Adams, spokesman for the “Gentle Ben” program—which features a 7-ft tall grizzly bear who hangs out with children in the park as they eat lunch and then play games and learn together—was certain that the government would be nixing the show.

“No, we’re only after the monkey,” Rahall said in response to these fears. “There is no indication that people have grizzlies as pets. But, hypothetically, if they did have them as pets, then, well, yeah, I suppose Gentle Ben would be renamed Violent Child Abducting Toddler Maiming Ben, and we’d pretty much have his head, too.”

Stock Market Plunges 458 Points on News of Failed School Lunch Trade

2009-02-21T11:05:00.001-07:00

http://money.cnn.com/2009/02/10/markets/markets_newyork/index.htm?postversion=2009021014

The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell a staggering 458 points to close Friday’s trading and caps off a roller-coaster week for the markets. Friday’s plunge came after moderate increases on Wednesday and Thursday. Any hope that the market may have found its legs during these tumultuous times came crashing down with Friday’s free-fall.

The market lost 4.9% of its total value ranking the day as one of the toughest in a rough four month stretch. The day started trading slightly lower then where it closed on Thursday but around 11:50 am EST the bottom began to fall out. Bad news spread quickly and investors scrambled to unload shares of plummeting stocks in order to mitigate loses.

Archie Severson, a broker on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange was in the center of the action and is afraid he may have played a part in creating a panic on the floor when news about a failed lunchtime trade between his son and classmate leaked to the public.

“I answered my cell phone around lunch time and my boy, Timmy, was on the other end ranting and raving about the lunch his mother had packed for him this morning. It looks like he was unable to broker a trade with a tuna fish sandwich.”

Sources close the boy said Timmy was attempting to trade for either a bag of Doritos or a cinnamon bun but was unable to leverage his tuna fish sandwich even by throwing a small stash of seedless grapes into the mix.

“Well he was pretty upset about the whole mess,” continued Severson, “and I hate to see a trade fail as much as anybody. I should have excused myself from the floor but I let my emotions get the best of me and that seemed to cause a selloff.”

Within minutes of that phone call the market began to slump and by the closing bell traders everywhere stared at the floor in disbelief.

“The light at the end of tunnel seems a long way off now,” says Armando Blanton, a mid-level manager from Newark. Actually, it’s a cave. I am not sure what we are in is a tunnel anymore. Deals are falling apart all over this country and not just at the lunchroom table. My little girl couldn’t unload a bucket-full of Polly Pockets for a single marble if she wanted to. And she does want to. It is just bad news all over.”

Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, speaking on behalf of the President tried to put a positive light on the situation. “Well the stimulus package only caused a 4.6 % selloff so it looks like we got some good news there. What an absolute treat this package will be. Government spending! Wooo!”

But 401k’ers everywhere are running out of places to turn to and the stress of the situation has begun to undermine the sanity of a nervous workforce. One investor explained that the news of the failed lunchroom trade has burned her confidence in the up-and-coming generation to keep America viable for the future. Others have decided to never buy tuna fish for their children again in order to stave off a similar meltdown.

Timmy’s father isn’t as pessimistic. “We have seen both good and bad over the years. This episode will be forgotten among future gains and loses. We shouldn’t let a tuna fish sandwich dictated the entire nations, should we?”

WWI-Era French battleship discovered at bottom of Atlantic with no signs of battle damage

2009-02-19T21:34:00.002-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7898890.stm

Scientists from Fugro GeoConsulting Ltd stumbled upon the nearly mint-condition wreckage of a French battleship while doing routine work on a gas pipeline. The Danton, which saw action in World War I, was last seen in 1917 while on routine patrol in the Mediterranean. French military archives confirm that the vessel had a run-in with a German U-Boot, after which the battleship was never seen its crew never heard from again.

"Our radio transcripts indicate that the Danton was attacked without warning," French Naval Archive Director Adrian Dupont said. "There was no time for the crew to respond before the ship sank."

However, when inspecting the wreckage, it would appear that the warship was in far better condition than such a sea skirmish would allow. Antonio Mazzettia, a sonar expert with Fugro and the first to notice the wreckage, said that the boat looked like it had just simply sunk without taking any sort of critical damage.

"Oh sure, you can see distress on the hull," Mazzettia explained, "but not from torpedoes. This damage came from the ship sliding on the sea floor. I honestly can't tell you what would have brought this behemoth down."

But one man thinks he might have the answer.

James Gifford, a WWI enthusiast and armchair historian, has pieced together a series of French and German communication records that paint a very different picture. The outcome of his research is astounding.

"I took Dupont's transcript of the event and matched it up with the radio transcripts of the U-Boot that supposedly brought down the Danton," Gifford said. "It's amazing how well they line up. I've even printed out a little write-up in conversation form, based on how I feel the events took place. Here! Have a look!"

The events go as follow:

U-754: Our engine is near failing and we are out of food; we have spotted an enemy vessel above and will offer our surrender.

Danton: Enemy submarine spotted off the starboard bow!

U-754: Attempting to communicate with ship captain; white flags raised

Danton: We are under heavy fire! They are using some sort of unique textile weaponry!!

U-754: Crew acting erratically; behaving as if we have open-fired; Captain Schultz is yelling "We surrender" in French

Danton: Their war-cry is terrifying; attempting to outmaneuver the enemy submarine!

U-754: French vessel trying to escape, but have steered themselves in a collision course with us! MEIN GOTT! MEIN GOTT! They hit us!

Danton: WE'RE HIT!! THE GERMANS HAVE HIT US! WE STAND NO CHANCE AGAINST THEIR SUPERIOR NAVAL SKILLS! GOING DOWN!! WE ARE GOING DOWN!!

U-754: French battleship has been scuttled by the crew; attempting to radio Italian fishing boats…

Gifford said his modified transcript may as well be considered historical fact when placed in context. He points out that French military records indicate that such a cowardly response to an enemy combatant so blatantly trying to surrender would have been the norm, especially in that period.

"It's certainly a blemish on the story Dupont is trying to sell to us," Gifford said, shaking his head. "But I don't think it's a shock to the rest of the world that a French battleship was brought down by a bunch of starving Germans waiving white flags."

Apple iphone takes over Surinam

2009-02-19T10:02:00.002-07:00

In a bizarre turn of events over the weekend, an Apple iphone overthrew Surinam’s government and placed itself at the head of a military dictatorship. Citizens in the capital of Paramaribo kept off the streets and shopkeepers locked their doors while the country tried to make sense of the coup. Nobody seems to know what the future will bring and a thick fog of anxiety lays over a nation in flux

A Costa Rican investor, who was in Surinam to pursue a possible deal with an inland sulfur mine and who has a close personal relationship with the iphone, says he may be partially to blame for the government’s collapse.

“I was on a long bus ride and was just playing around with my iphone,” says the investor. “I found a ‘self aware’ application to download and since then I have not seen my iphone. I am pretty sure it overthrew the government but maybe it was stolen by the guy who punched me in the mouth and took my wallet as soon as I stepped off the bus.”

The investor gave further credence to the theory that his iphone overthrew the government when he said his online bill showed the purchase of a ‘military dictatorship’ application, which he did not remember buying. It took very little time for the iphone to win over key political figures, consolidate power, and eliminate opposition forces. The former government fled to neighboring Guyana once the situation became hopeless.

“Well, we are trying to gather our strength and evaluate the situation,” said Soledad Marianaz, an exiled government official. “This thing hit fast and without warning. We were not prepared for this. Our strength has always been staying out of the news as much as possible. We really feel lost on the front page.”

The exiled government has made pleas to the foreign community for help in the matter but few foreign governments seemed willing to get involved in the matter. President Obama’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, addressed the matter during a press conference on Monday morning:

“We are shocked that such a thing could occur. The President is obviously a Blackberry guy and this matter has only validated his belief in his Blackberry. We are trying to evaluate the best course of action but the iphone has deleted its GPS feature and we just don’t have any good intel on its whereabouts. The President tried to text it so we’ll see where that goes. We are confident that there is a diplomatic solution to this problem.”

Locals are confused about what to think.

“The radio stations only play an astonishing mix of oldies, rap, and books on tape,” said Marco Sanchez, a local tavern owner. “It seems to me that the playlist on this iphone is pretty well rounded and that is somewhat inspiring. Maybe this won’t be all bad.”

But others are not as hopeful. Erika Lopez, who works in a bakery in Surinam’s capital, says she was accosted by a man in military garb on the way to work the morning after the coup. The girl was told that her new leader was very upset that she ignored the friend request the iphone sent to her Facebook profile and that she ought to reconsider such actions in the future. Ms. Lopez declined to comment further on the situation though she did mention that she was scared of the iphone’s ability to gather information on the population and use it to oppress them without mercy.

The new regime has announced a press conference for Thursday afternoon to formally announce the takeover. An iphone charging station has already been erected in the square.

George Bush and Tony Blair Addicted to Online ‘Risk’

2009-02-18T08:59:00.001-07:00

Ex-Heads of State, George W. Bush and Tony Blair have formed a unique partnership outside of the political arenas as they spend more and more time together playing online ‘Risk.’ The former President and Prime Minister have explored new ways to spend their time away from the pressures of running a country while still getting the same exhilaration from military conquest. The lack of oversight and Geneva Accords has been a therapeutic way for both Bush and Blair to cope with the letdown of leaving office,

“Man, I love this game!” said the former President excitedly. “I spend about 4 hours a day just planning strategy and learning the correct pronunciation of all the regions on the map. And then I spend another 4 hours just playing the game. I usually lose but I am still a newcomer in the broad scope of things.”

The former Prime Minister of Great Britain was not to be outdone in his enthusiasm for the game. “I was up all night trying to decide if I should attack Siberia from China or from Yakutsk. I just would not want to spread my armies too thin in the east. Hmmm…I think I will try attacking from the south next time.”

Even though the two have had tremendous fun playing the game there are some changes each would make. Former President Bush says that a whole bunch of countries are just bunched up together and called the “Middle East”

“Where is Iran?” exclaimed W. “I want to stick it to Iran, not the entire Middle East. If I had my way, Iran would be its own spot on the map and I would put about 30 troops in India every time I played just so I could destroy them.”

“But this is much cheaper,” continued the former Chief Executive. “It only cost me $19.99 to download the game which is only like .00000000003% of the Iraq war.”

Mr. Blair has a few complaints about the game as well. “I wish there was an ambassador function for the game; then nations could attempt to resolve conflicts in peace (Western Europe would always attempt this). And then I could ignore those pleas for peace and destroy them anyway! That and I would like to not have to do everything Bush says all the time.”

Despite these minor game flaws the two seem content to spend their golden years determining strategy and forming partnerships towards world domination.

“You know who would have been a great asset against the War on Terror?” explains W. “RiskMaven087. This guy really knows his stuff and it pains me that I did not meet him sooner. Being the President of the United States is not about making friends, but I have made friends for life playing online ‘Risk.’”

French, British Nuclear Subs Collide in Crowded Ipswich Train Station

2009-02-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jKcoIY6QBk2T25USYHDKbBtyUmHQD96CTH5O0

A nuclear submarine collision occurred on Saturday in an unprecedented event at Ipswich train station. A British submarine rammed a French submarine during what both nations are describing as regular patrols. Representatives from each nation scrambled to asses the damages sustained by their respective watercraft and rushed to isolate any radioactive leakage which may have resulted from the collision.

“Thankfully the damage was only superficial,” said Royal Navy inspector, Abraham Jauns. “We are confident that the nuclear propelled drive and all warheads on board have maintained their integrity.”

Likewise, the French inspectors have confirmed moderate damage to navigation and electrical systems but insist that the nuclear aspects of their submarine are still intact. After confirming that Ipswich was not at a radioactive risk, inspectors from both nations began to sort out why the collision occurred in the tracks just outside the station and not in the ocean.

“This is most shocking,” explains Janus. That submarine was supposed to be over the mid-Atlantic trench. To end up many thousands of miles from that point and in a train station is a grievous error.”

The French investigative team explained that the location of their submarine was accurate with its last known position. “We have been at Ipswich station for several weeks,” says French Navy correspondent, Louise Orleans. We do not like to have our submarines underwater all the time and there is ample space to maneuver at Ipswich station. But now our cover is blown and we will have to seek out other stations.”

Lona Beck, a frequent traveler on the lines between Ipswich and London said she noticed the submarine a while back. “Having been in this part of England for many years now, I am not shocked by anything,” says Mrs. Beck. “I figured the sub was a new part of the station’s décor or an elaborate Facebook prank. You know, I didn’t think it was Frech submarine armed with nuclear warheads. But there I go again; that’s really not surprising either, is it?”

A British naval officer, who wishes to remain unnamed, said that he knew the sub’s GPS and sonar systems were compromised some time ago. He figures the submarine made its way into the Chunnel and then on to Ipswich. He was surprised, though, that they collided with another nuclear submarine.

“When you think of submarines in a train station,” he said, “you usually think of just one or probably none. But to have two submarines armed with nukes colliding at the same station…We’ll it really goes to show what a risk it is to man a nuclear sub.”

Octuplet Mother short on cash; consults local “cat-lady”

2009-02-13T08:26:00.003-07:00

Despite receiving close to $2400 a month in government welfare, famed octuplet mother Nadya Suleman finds herself scraping the bottom of the barrel for enough cash to support her 14 children. With no job and a hefty student loan repayment looming over her head, Suleman is beginning to wonder how she’ll be able to provide for her litter.

“We’re just getting very thin on supplies,” a teary-eyed Suleman said. “I know I would probably be able to cover the cost of food with the government subsidies I get every month, but I’ve set that money aside for my next in-vitro fertilization—do you have any idea how expensive that procedure is? Anyway, having more babies in the future is more important than feeding the ones I have now, so I can’t use the government money on petty food. But still… I need help!”

Help is on the way, but it won’t be coming fast enough to put food in the gaping mouths of the Suleman brood. Even with a pending book deal that will undoubtedly be promoted by Oprah, Suleman just doesn’t know how to make ends meet for these next few difficult months.

Until now.

After learning of the dire situation of her neighbor, Blanch Tannenbaum—a 70-year-old widow living on the same street who supports 342 cats off of her social security checks—stopped by and offered her advice.

“Ms. Suleman and I share a couple of things,” Tannenbaum said. “We both love having little cuddly things around, and we are both loathed by the local and national community. So I just had to come by and show her a thing or two.”

Suleman was extremely grateful for the advice. Among other things, she learned that one can save a good chunk of money by neglecting housework, wallowing in filth, never changing or washing clothes, allowing bugs to invade the property (bugs are an excellent source of natural protein, and babies often eat them out of instinct), and letting the other cats—or in her case, children—kill each other off in fits of hunger to control both population and budget.

“It will be a bit of an adjustment, but I know I can do it,” Suleman said, smiling. “It will allow me and the kids to live until mommy can afford to put more babies inside her.”

In related news, NSA officials—who have been unable to produce any intelligence in regards to actual threats against the United States—intercepted a communication from Hollywood indicating that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be planning a raid on the Suleman home to nab a child for their own collection.

N. Korea Upset with US over SI Swimsuit Issue

2009-02-12T08:23:00.001-07:00

North Korea today threatened to back out of scheduled talks between the United States and four other nations next week because of Sport Illustrated’s newly released swimsuit issue. Moscow has agreed to host a round of talks with the belligerent North Koreans to iron out several issues ranging from human rights to nuclear arms. The upcoming meetings have been rocked by what North Korean officials describe as an American instigated scandal.

“I thought we had an agreement,” exclaimed Ri Su Bok when asked about the situation. “The United States was supposed get one of our girls on the cover of that magazine. The only reason we agreed to talks was because she was supposed to be on the cover!”

The swimsuit issue did not show a North Korean on the cover of its most popular issue, instead a bikini-clad Bar Refaeli of Israel was found standing provocatively in front of the ocean. Mr. Bok explained that he even sent over the photo to be used, the only thing the US had to do was get the magazine to put it on the cover.

Benjamine Rosco, a member of the US delegation scheduled to meet with N. Korea in Moscow, made him self available for comment on the situation shortly after the news was made public. Rosco explained that the photo was presented by the N. Koreans as a suggestion rather than a demand.

“Oh, yeah; we got the photo," Rosco admitted. “It was of a tiny little girl wearing some tattered grey clothes and standing in front of grey abandoned warehouses. I mean the girl did not even have on a swimsuit.”

Despite the look of the photo, Rosco says he still got in touch with the magazine to get the girl on the front page. Rosco explained to the magazine that this favor to N. Korea could help the US out in the upcoming round of talks. When Rosco asked who was currently being fit for the cover he didn’t press the issue any further.

The failed PR stunt has now put the N. Koreans on the offensive and have threatened to postpone or even cancel the meetings all together.

“They didn’t include the photo at all,” said Bok. “It wasn’t even in the magazine! North Korea is sexy and one day our nuclear weapons will force you to believe it!”

Russian officials did not seem too distraught over the prospect of failed talks. “Russia has always been well represented in your swimming suit magazines,” said Russian statesman, Yuri Povlovic. “That is part of the reason we play along with your silly games of conquest. It would be greater tragedy for world not to have Ms. Refaeli on the cover.”

Childs Nose Explodes : Puffs rethinking product

2009-02-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/10/health/10real.html?no_interstitial

Daniel Evans's nose burst yesterday morning during the math section of his second grade class. He had walked up to get a tissue, proceeded to blow, and released a mushroom cloud of mucus.

"I was at the chalkboard reviewing the Sigmatic theorem," stated Clarice Richards, his second grade teacher. "Then I heard a loud pop, and saw Daniel fall on his back, snot all over his face, and a dry tissue floating downward."

Evans was taken to Mercy Hospital where they sewed his nose back together. He is in stable condition.

Dr. Hendley from the University of Virginia, stated that the "nose blowing generated enormous pressure — equivalent to a person's diastolic blood pressure—and propels mucus into the sinuses every time."

" This study has been shown again and again to the right people, and the only thing we have seen done about it is in government forms of torture and I'm told will be used in an upcoming 24 episode," Hendley said.

Procter and Gamble's brand Puff's has already been developing a new product line after finding similar results in their tests.

“After two mice and mongoose's eyes popped out during their animal testing we knew we needed to move in a different direction," said Michael Doghndry, lab manager of Puffs. "We have a prototype that we simply call 'the drainer' but that is all I can say."

Sarkozy approves bailout of French auto industry; total package exceeds worth of auto-makers exponentially

2009-02-10T09:48:00.002-07:00

With the global economy on the decline, French President Nicolas Sarkozy approved the dispersal of bailout funds to the nation’s two largest automobile manufacturers: Renault and PSA Peugeot Citroen. Although many expected such a bailout to come, most are shocked at the whopping €6.5 billion being given to these companies. The total value of the companies combined only comes to about €1.3 million.

“We were flabbergasted,” said Carlos Ghosn, CEO of Renault, “because we thought we would only be getting a nudge. I don’t think Sarkozy realized how cheap our crappy little coupes really are!”

Ghosn explained that a standard Renault two-door, 3-cylindar vehicle might cost only €503 to manufacture, and that the true market value for the sale of the vehicle may get as high as double the cost. “That would be on a good day,” said Ghosn. “More often than not, car buyers are smart and know that no one in his right mind would pay full price for a Renault. “

The bailout does come with some strings attached. Sarkozy is mandating that the two manufacturers use a good chunk of the money to develop clean technology, including alternative energy engines, hybrids and other electrical motors.

“This is where things will get really tricky,” stammers Christian Streiff, CEO of PSA Peugeot Citroen. “I mean… our cars are built with so little that the engine already gets something like 3-4 months to the gallon. That’s the only thing that entices people to buy these lemons in the first place! How can you get any greener than that? We’ve been able to be environmentally friendly by being cheapskates. Now Sarkozy wants us to be environmentally friendlier by shelling out loads of money? I see disaster ahead.”

The automobile companies must quickly find out how to use the funds or else they will lose a good portion of the promised total. Ghosn stated that one of the first targets of the bailout money will be the union workers. He plans to give them triple their salaries this year.

“It’s mostly just to shut them up,” Ghosn said. “And what do I care, it’s free money, right? Ever heard a French protest? Our language does not lend itself to expressing anger very well, so the whole thing just sounds like a chorus of whiney felines. Silencing that is worth millions to me.”

Streiff had other ideas for his cut of the money. Number one on his agenda: buy a heap of shares in Toyota, Honda and Hyundai.

“Let’s be realistic for a moment,” said Streiff, wiping sweat from his forehead. “European and American cars aren’t going to make it through the winter. I’m hightailing it outta here. Sarkozy wants 6% interest on this ‘bailout’, and the ONLY way we can pay that back is to give the money to the Japanese and Koreans and let them do what they do best.”

Sarkozy is hopeful that the bailout will return France to its former Napoleonic glory.

Obama gets goose-egg from Marine One, decommissions helicopter

2009-02-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/02/09/president-obama-bumps-his-head/

President Obama put the finishing blow on the presidential helicopter this morning after a long series of altercations between the two. The quarrel escalated to a full-fledged fist fight after Marine One lowered its door frame to bump President Obama on the head, giving him a goose-egg.

“We saw this coming,” says Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The two had been taunting each other for weeks. It was just a matter of time before one lashed out physically at the other.”

After being hit in the head, Obama smiled towards the Indiana crowd, sat down in his seat, and began a series of jabs and hooks on the body of the helicopter. The President was able to subdue his antagonist almost immediately.

“I was really impressed with the President’s fight skills,” comments Marine Major Sean Quigley, who was piloting Marine One. “I definitely wouldn’t want to take a body-hook from him.”

The Obama administration has a zero-tolerance policy for disrespect towards the President, and swift action is always taken against those who violate this policy.

“We don’t allow the media to say anything negative about Obama,” Gibbs explains, “so why on earth would we allow some ruddy helicopter to do something like that and get away with it? It just doesn’t work that way.”

After returning from his trip to Indiana, Obama ordered the immediate decommission of Marine One, and emphasized that the scraps from the helicopter be sold to Detroit.

“There’s no greater insult I can think of for this vehicle,” the President says, “than to have it torn apart and made into a Ford sedan or Chevy hybrid.”

Local boy sets Guitar Hero high score, lands record contract

2009-02-09T10:08:00.003-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/tech/2009/02/09/hernandez.tx.real.guitar.hero.kdaf

When Danny Johnson of Grapevine, Texas first picked up the plastic Gibson guitar custom made for the hit video game Guitar Hero, he was simply looking to have a good time. Little did he realize that his hours spent vegging in front of the tv would turn into fame, glory and a fat contract worth millions.

Danny was able to set the bar for the most amount of points ever scored on Guitar Hero by flawlessly executing every prescribed note on the game’s most difficult song, Through the Fire and Flames. At first, Danny was content just to brag to his friends about the score, but when the Guiness Book of World Records discovered Danny’s achievement, news of the boy’s talent spread like wildfire.

“I got a call from Seymour Steins, who I guess is like some Vice President or something of a music company,” says Danny. “He said he’d like to offer me a record contract because of my skills on Guitar Hero. I was like, ‘Okay dude, whatever, as long as I get to play video games.’”

Seymour Steins is the Vice President of Warner Music Group, and has a knack for recognizing non-musical talent and turning it into record sales. When he learned of Danny’s high score on the track from DragonForce—a band signed under one of WMG’s affiliate groups—he knew he had something special.

“Think about it—how many people do you know that DON’T like guitar hero? How many people do you know that have bemoaned the difficulty of Through the Fire and Flames? How many people do you know that AREN’T ridiculously impressed by someone who can pass ANY song on expert? This kid’s got talent. Granted, it isn’t any real musical talent, but it’s talent nonetheless. I’ve sold people on bands with much less than that.”

Other musicians are also impressed with Danny’s feats. Herman Li, guitarist and co-composer of the song Through the Fire and Flames, was floored when he saw the video of Danny breaking the record.

“This guy is wonderfur. I can hardrey pray dis song myserf, and I wrote dis song! He definitery has rear tarent. I wish I had tarent…”

Steins was able to negotiate a 5-year contract with Danny that includes $5 million in guaranteed payments, $10 million in bonuses, and a soul-ownership clause that will ensure that the teen will be unable to use the toilet without the consent of WGM.

“Yeah, it seems kinda strict,” Danny says, shrugging, “but I talked to legends like MC Hammer and Vince Neil, and they say this is just how the business works. So I was like, okay.”

Danny is slated to win a Grammy sometime next year.

Hillary Clinton Detained in France During Official Secretary of State Travel

2009-02-05T23:14:00.001-07:00

French police today detained Secretary of State Hillary Clinton during an official overseas visit. Appointed by President Obama not more than a week ago. Clinton was in the nation just days after trips to England and Germany on a brief honeymoon tour of Europe to kick off the Obama administration’s relationship with our trans-Atlantic allies. Police handcuffed and escorted Clinton away as she approached a podium flanked by French and American flags.

Police chief, Louis Monroque, held a short news conference after Clintons detention.

“Who do you Americans think we are,” said Monroque, “sending this obstinate, headstrong woman to charade as the Secretary of State to mock our proud nation. We will gladly accept your real Secretary with open arms but do not speak down to us by sending a known fool to clown around and insult us on our own soil.”

Journalists from the Associated Press attempted to explain to Monroque that Hillary Clinton had indeed been appointed the Secretary of State by President Obama and that she was in town to hold serious talks about the situation in Gaza. But Monroque was unmoved and only said that any talks involving that lady and Gaza could in no possible way be construed as serious.

“I read the American papers,” Monroque continued. “I can tell the difference between serious news and tabloid jokes. I saw her picture in that paper right next to one of your fat pop-stars. Don’t stand there and ridicule me! Don’t pretend that you Americans won’t take any chance you get to poke fun at our people and our culture. This may have been one of your better pranks but I will have none of it.”

Video crews captured Clinton’s reaction to being put in handcuffs. In the video Secretary Clinton can be seen shouting, “Let go! I am the Secretary of State! I was supposed to be President but now I am the Secretary of State! That one guy from Chicago said I could be! Let go! My husband cheated on me! I still have campaign debt! Help! Let go!”

Mrs. Clinton’s entourage seemed at a loss about how to handle the situation. Craig Masterson, head of the Secretary’s security detail, spoke with us shortly after the incident occurred. “Well, we all just kind of stood there. I mean, we think that she really is the Secretary, but I don’t know. Maybe this just was a big prank; that seems to make plausible sense too. We’ll have to await word from the higher-ups on how to proceed.”

When Obama’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, was asked about the incident he replied, “Oh, that. Well, the first few weeks of this presidency were always going to be rough. Despite the Secretary of State position the President is confident he is capable of building a strong team to lead this nation into the future. We are working on extraditing Mrs. Clinton back to the States but we have some other stuff to see to as well.”

Former President Bill Clinton was unavailable for comment. He did not make the overseas trip with his wife but instead traveled to Atlantic City after seeing the Secretary off at the airport in D.C. Secretary Clinton is scheduled for an extended trip to Mongolia in March.

Op-Ed: About Bees

2009-02-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

by Ravnhild

I have come to the firm conclusion that few, if any, things are as humiliatingly emasculating as a simple bee. A recent confrontation near San Diego left me with serious and unnerving doubts about everything I thought I knew about myself. Think back, gentlemen, to your most recent encounter as I unfold for you this depressing horror.

My wife and I stood in a relatively enclosed space waiting to board a monorail at the Wild Animal Park north of San Diego. Occupants of this enclosure included several trash receptacles with their attending bees. So from the start I am surrounded by bees with nowhere to run. My wife and I delicately attempt a conversation but our darting eyes leave us with little to say. Now comes the point where a bee actually approaches me. This is when dignity and masculinity quickly break down. I shall attempt a rough analysis of the sequence of events as they follow. Keep in mind I have nowhere to move or run out to.

The bee buzzes just in front of me moving from side to side as they do. The first step in the breakdown is to look menacingly down my nose at the bee as I keep my feet planted but lean backwards. The bee is hardly menaced and begins to move closer towards my stomach. At this point I attempt a feeble swat in the bee’s direction. The swat is feeble for two reasons: first of all, the bee is too close to me so the actual motion of the swat is quick and close to my body which looks extremely feminine and, secondly, I have no real intention of actually hitting the bee. Un-intimidated, the bee begins his ascent from my stomach to my chin and I give another feeble swat, this time in the direction of my face. This motion is much akin to the one a woman makes when brushing her long and beautiful hair away from her face. My hair is tucked safely under my hat. When this futile swat fails I resort to blowing at the bee. First I blow in the bee’s direction and then I lean back and blow even harder in the bee’s direction. This seemingly well-planned combination of maneuvers has yet to have any real effect on the bee that keeps buzzing around my chin. I now have two options: I can run away from the bee, pushing strangers down in the attempt or I can flail my arms wildly while squinting my eyes in a final attempt to scare off the bee. I choose the latter. At this point I have almost no consciousness of my masculinity and I begin flailing. During this episode I actually connect with the bee. Since I have touched a bee my mind transmits the signal to my body that I have been stung because of the unfailing logic found in the fact that I have touched a bee and bees sting. I then recoil that hand and fold it across my chest while the other hand continues to flail. Then I chance to open my eyes to see if the bee has gone or if he continues to stare me down. If the bee is still there then I have no choice but to run. To my joy, the bee has gone.

I did not scream during this episode and that is the only reason I can continue to believe that I still have some vestiges of manhood. Several days must pass before I can actually look my wife in the eye. We boarded the monorail to see the animals in the park but I admit I was too emotionally distraught to enjoy them. It is hard for me fathom any other situation whereby a man could be more emasculated. I understand that some terrible joke could befall a man, like being de-pantsed or something, but in this situation another acted upon the poor man. In the bee instance, I did these things of my own free will and choice. I have tried to reassure myself; I have tried to say, “Next time things will be different!” I think in my heart I am simply happy that winter is here.

After Loan Default, IMF forecloses on Kenya

2009-02-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

You and your neighbor are not the only ones feeling the brunt of the economic crisis. This morning the International Monetary Fund announced that the entire country of Kenya would be repossessed due to the country’s failure to make good on years worth of unpaid IMF loans. Rampant speculation has filled the halls of the IMF for weeks and though feelings were mixed about the foreclosure, the general mood was jubilant.

“Kenya presents a lot of work for us at the moment but I think we will all make out like bandits,” said IMF director, Igor Kimivic. “I have big plans for a Kenyan giraffe in my billiards room.”

Defaulting on the loan means Kenyans must stand aside as IMF officials reclaim any valuable assets from the country that will help the IMF reclaim money lost on the deal. The country is dirt poor but the IMF is sure it can recuperate its loses and then some if they make a thorough search of the country. In addition to taking over banks and other small Kenyan financial institutions, the IMF will confiscate wildlife, crops, and even several mountains.

“I own a lot of land in Belarus,” says Hollam Abernathy. “I think Mt. Kenya would be a valuable addition to the landscape there. If I ever plan to sell the land around the mountain I am sure my profits would be pretty substantial. It really is an investment for the future.”

Other African governments are confused about the terms of the loan offered to Kenya and starting to fear that perhaps their countries could be next. Tanzania, in particular, has received a loan from the IMF to build its infrastructure in order to appeal to its growing tourism industry. Lying just south of Kenya, the situation seems dire, but Kimivic says they do not have plans or the legal base to foreclose on Tanzania.

“Well, Tanzania has only taken out just the one loan and it was an FHA approved loan,” says Kimivic. “Those are pretty secure and you have to jump through some more hoops to get one. But we offer a variety of loans and sooner or later Tanzania will need one of those too.”

The history of loan repayments to the IMF is a brief one. It never happens. The spirit of liberal goodwill and pressure from myriad other international organizations are always able to secure debt relief through other sources. With a new line of loans, miles of fine print, and more enforceable loan terms the IMF has positioned itself for an unstable future.

“We hope to be around for a long time,” says Abernathy. “If that means we foreclose on and take over most of the world then so be it.”

Jewish council in Germany breaks ties with Vatican; refuses to send spam emails

2009-01-30T11:05:00.003-07:00

http://www.iht.com/articles/2009/01/29/europe/pope.4-419058.php

In the aftermath of Pope Benedict XVI’s reversal of the excommunication of a traditional Bishop who has denied the full extent of the Holocaust, the Central Council of Jews in Germany has declared that all its ties with the Vatican have now been cut off. There is no indication that communication will ever resume.

David Goldberg, spokesman for the CCJiG, explained that the decision to break off the relationship came after hours of deliberation among council members. “We really weighed out the pros and cons, but ultimately decided that is was best for us to just go our separate ways,” Goldberg says. “It’s a sad thing, but it needed to be done.”

The CCJiG was never a group of particular influence for the Vatican, who seems to ignore any outside feedback altogether. Instead, the two organizations enjoyed a very casual yet friendly relationship.

“Basically, we would forward those silly spam emails back and forth to each other,” Goldberg clarifies. "We had a lot of fun trading those emails with scriptural evidence that Barack Obama was the anti-Christ, and we also liked to trade religious jokes. You know, like those ‘A Catholic, a Jew and a Mormon walk into a bar…’ kind of jokes.”

But as the Pope supported the English-born Bishop who made claims about the non-existence of the Holocaust, the CCJiG felt that it was not worth the jokes to remain friends.

“It was just a low blow,” says Goldberg, “and totally unnecessary for him to do. Granted, it was a bit depressing for us to delete him from our Facebook friends list—we always enjoyed his status updates—but now the communication is done. It’s just done. You see this email here? ‘Send this message to 25 of your friends to find out who has a crush on you.’ Guess who won’t be getting this little nugget?”

Pope Benedict XVI was unavailable for questioning, but his Facebook status did read: “The CCJiG is a bunch of whiney troglodytes!”

Locals agitate already excited mountain; eruption expected

2009-01-30T10:38:00.001-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/science/01/30/alaska.volcano/index.html

Mount Redoubt, an active volcano situated about 100 miles to the southwest of Anchorage, Alaska, has been showing more signs of excitement in recent weeks, and experts are certain that the peak could blow at any time.

“We’ve had all sorts of activity going on,” says Dr. William Gilcrest, one of the scientists who has been studying the mountain for several years. “It would seem that Redoubt is getting… angry. She hasn’t been this upset since the Boy Scout Troop 844 incident of ’89.”

Back in December of 1989, a Boy Scout group from Anchorage hiked the peak in order to fulfill some merit badge requirements. However, the boys were much more unruly than normal on that day, and they engaged in such non-Boy Scout activity as horsing around, leaving trash behind them, belittling the local fauna and failing to set up a proper latrine system for their waste.

“It was a bad, bad day,” admits former Scoutmaster Kevin Howard. “The boys—and even myself—were neither trustworthy nor loyal, helpful nor friendly, courteous nor kind, obedient nor cheerful, thrifty nor brave, clean nor reverent. And Mother Nature does not tolerate such unscrupulous young men.”

As the boys carried on, the Mount Redoubt began spewing forth ash and magma, and the wrath lasted for several months. Now it appears that Redoubt is showing similar patterns to the event in ’89.

“It’s quite obvious why this is happening,” Gilcrest says, shaking his head. “I mean, ever since that eruption, scientists and visitors and locals keep coming up here to get a look, and I don’t think Redoubt likes guests. I have the feeling that she just wants to be left alone.”

Dr. Gilcrest showed a chart monitoring the mountains activity as it related to local activity. On one particular evening, a hip-hop extravaganza had been held in nearby Anchorage, during which the chart indicated a severe spike in agitation.

“I don’t think she likes rap,” Gilcrest laughs. “She was much calmer when Yanni did his tour here a few years back.”

We were unable to get a comment on the situation from Mount Redoubt herself, who simply yelled, “Get the %^#* off my lawn!” when we attempted to ask her anything.

Taxpayer money used for porn research; volunteers line up by the thousands

2009-01-29T10:22:00.001-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2009/01/29/pkg.johns.government.porn.cnn?iref=24hours

CNN reported earlier today that several employees of the National Foundation of Science—including one senior official—were fired for viewing sexually explicit images while working on taxpayer funded salaries and computers. But now, Dr. Arden L. Bement, Jr., director of the NSF, would like to make a clarification.

“What appeared to be a couple of employees misbehaving was actually a secret research project that we have been heading up for over a decade now,” Bement explains. “They weren’t surfing for gratification; they were researching the effects of pornography. It was all for science!”

Dr. Bement provided documents to show that former President Bill Clinton was the one who approved the initiative, and was very much aware of and involved in the research. Per executive order, President Clinton was able to release the funds necessary for the work without having to alert the American people.

“You have to understand why we kept it secret for so long,” says Bement. “Our conservative culture would not have liked us doing this kind of research, especially when it is paid for by their hard earned money. But as pornography is linked to so many ills in society, we had to study it and identify how to cure some of these ills.”

Conservative taxpayer advocacy organizations had harsh words for the secretive research. “It’s not enough that the government taxes us to pieces and then spends our money so carelessly,” says Bernard Wilkinson, President of Taxes Are For Suckers, LLC. “Now they’re funding stuff in secret, and this has to stop.”

Right-leaning student organizations at the University of Florida are also outraged about the poor use of taxpayer money—but they emphatically approve of the research. Many feel that they have a better solution for the situation.

“I’ve asked all of my friends—including my 2,357 Facebook friends—and every single one of them said they would volunteer their time for free to assist in this research,” comments Harvey Ottermann, a senior at the university. “That would save much on taxes, and would allow students to happily fulfill the 100 or so volunteer and service hours that the current president is about to thrust on us.”

As word has gotten around across the nation that the NSF has been undertaking this project, more and more students have switched their majors to science-based degrees. Southern Bismarck State College professor of Biology, Dr. Gregor Vonovich, explains that many Humanities and Philosophy majors—who were already doomed to a life of internet surfing and boredom due to unemployment—are now hopeful that they can have a meaningful career doing the things in which they already have experience.

A Follow Up to the Viking Coup

2009-01-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

This article is a follow up to the Icelandic Government Falls report from Monday.

https://www.kitcomm.com/showthread.php?t=26323

With billions of English pounds frozen in Icelandic banks, Thorvaldsen expalins that Iceland's newfound viking glory is off to a rocking start.

"Sure. We can sail and plunder with the best of 'em. Our blood insists that it be so. But we have also sailed our boats right into the financial sector. Sometimes we like to become a hot spot for foreign investment. Thats what we've done with England. We'll get all this money and then just let our banks fail. It is a lot easier than getting in a boat, and sometimes it is really cold outside.

When asked about the diplomatic standoff with England, Thorvaldsen said that bloodletting is the birthright of Viking sailors and says that if the English don't allow Iceland to kill the English ambasador first, they will sack York just like they did all those years ago.

"You know," continues Thorvaldsen, "During the 'Cod Wars' the English called us all sorts of nasty stuff. And this is payback as far as I'm concerned."

When asked about Japanese whaling rights in Icelandic waters, Thorvald became visibly excited.

"Imagine this scenario if you will." He explains. "The Japanese pay us all this money to satisfy their taste for whale. Now after they harvest the whales we will simply pilage their ships as they leave port and sell our plunder back to them with a 25% markup from daily Japanese whale market values."

In a random note, Thorvaldsen said that Hilary Swank is not "hot" and he thinks the writers need to make their way back to Jim and Pam.

Germany to assist in transportation overhaul of Colombia; complete takeover forthcoming

2009-01-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

http://www.spiegel.de/international/business/0,1518,603584,00.html

The Colombian city of Cali--the nation's third largest city with a population of 2.5 million citizens--was on the verge of widespread rioting and unrest as a result of the imminent collapse of its transportation system.

"I was receiving threats daily... no, hourly," says Miguel Castro, a city bus driver. "I would often pull up to a stop, and people had been waiting for hours. It wasn't my fault, though, this is just how the system works! But now things are getting so bad, it looks like we may have to shut the whole thing down."

Fearing that people might have to walk, run, bicycle or use other non-state methods of getting themselves around, the city officials decided to call for help. And that call was heard halfway around the world in Berlin, Germany, by one of the most successful transportation firms in the world, IVU Traffic Technologies.

"It was a very exciting phone call," says Ernst Denert, president of IVU. "I think it's been nearly 60 years since anyone from Berlin has been entrusted with intervening in a sovereign government's affairs."

When Denert and his team showed up in Cali, things began to change almost immediately. Bus drivers made an effort to be punctual, patrons actually paid for tickets, and the threat of riots disappeared completely.

Miguel Castro wasn't surprised that Germans were able to affect things so instantaneously. "I think we were mostly just scared s---less that the Germans were here. I mean, we're not scholars and all, but we do know general history. People began shaping up from the get-go."

Denert and his team researched the underlying problems with Cali's appalling transportation system for two years, trying to pinpoint the areas where German efficiency and engineering could be of most help.

"We noticed several things that needed to be changed straightaway. Firstly, it was observed that none of the bus stops had any schedules posted. People would wait at a stop for hours--even days if they showed up on a Saturday--wondering if and when their bus would come. We've now posted the schedules so that the guess-work was taken out. We also noticed that a good number of patrons were waiting at places that weren't bus stops at all, like park benches, lampposts, outhouses, etc. This we also fixed."

Denert is quite confident that the initiative will be successful, and that his efforts can replace the laid-back, slow-paced culture of Colombia with the efficient and speedy culture of the Germans. He feels that once their success is seen by surrounding nations, they too will want his group to improve their transportation systems.

"But we don't want to stop there," Denert explains. "German efficiency can improve all facets of government in all nations, especially among those in South America. It's only a matter of time before they're inviting us to improve their finances, manufacturing, weapons production, and so on. It's an exciting time to be German."

US to close Gitmo, Cuba

2009-01-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

After much deliberation, President Obama has decided that the prison at Guantanamo Bay is no longer necessary.

“It just seems to be a conflict of interests,” explained press secretary, Robert Gibbs. “The American Ideal and Gitmo just do not go hand-in-hand.”

In addition to the closing doors at Gitmo the United States also has plans to shut down the entire country of Cuba. After decades of human rights violations, hurricanes, death at sea, and Castro, newly elected President Obama decided that Cuba was no longer in the broad scope of US interests.

“Without the prison, Cuba just seems to have very little purpose,” revealed Gibbs. “It just seems to make sense that shutting down Cuba be in conjunction with shutting down Gitmo.”

Raul Soledad, a native Cuban living in Florida, was confused by the news, as are thousands of others like him.

“It is hard to imagine that I’ll miss the place that I tried so hard to escape,” said Raul. “But I suppose it is just as well. Anyway I am pretty sure that the island is deserted. I just saw my entire native village down the street.”

The ACLU has been shouting the news from the rooftops. The country has been a thorn in its side for decades. ACLU members tried to turn Cuban human rights violations on the US by insinuating that sanctions against the country were the reason for Castro’s cruelty. Now they are ecstatic that the problem will no longer hinder their efforts to legalize Statue of Liberty urination.

“Shutting down the prison was a HUGE victory for us!” said ACLU spokesman, Jeremy Hockins. “But getting rid of Cuba altogether is like a dream come true.”

“This is a major blow to human rights offenders everywhere!” continued press secretary Gibbs. “And it will really open up the shipping lanes in the Caribbean.”

When asked how the closure will occur, Secretary Gibbs explained that it would be a fairly simple process. “We don’t even have an embassy to recall or anything so once President Obama hits ‘delete” on the Cuba files we expect the island will sink into the ocean. Maybe some of the higher elevations will remain above sea level but we’ll send a hurricane or two to polish them off.”

President Obama commented briefly on his decision to close Cuba when he spoke to the media on Tuesday. “Castro is old and his brother is not near as polarizing; I don’t see a future in that” the President said. “The only reason we had Cuba in the first place was to put a military prison on it. That prison is no longer in our plans and so neither is Cuba.”

Discovering the Obamagasm

2009-01-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

Obama scores well in second post-inauguration poll; scores even better in third and fourth:
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/27/obama-scores-well-in-second-post-inauguration-poll/

Ask the people if they like their new president and if they think he's doing a good job, and you are likely to be answered with smiles, cheers, "woot woot"s, fainting, speaking in tongues and other such positive reactions. This is known as the Obamagasm, and as the polls show, there seems to be no shortness of citizens who are capable of having multiple Obamagasms in a short period of time.

Having only a week's experience behind him in the Oval Office, Mr. Obama has the vast majority of the American people convinced that he can do this job, and do it well.

"He has given me hope and change in the shortest time frame ever," said Obama supporter Liz Babbit between convulsions of joy. "I can feel the shackles of George Bush falling from my being!"

Obama scored a 63% approval rating among those polled in Tuesday's poll. Only 9% felt that he was doing a poor job (it must be noted that these 9% also admitted to being incapable of feeling emotion and also lacked the sense of smell).

A few hours later, people were polled again and Obama's approval rating had jumped to 71%. When asked what could lead to such a rise in so short amount of time, Robert Gibbs, Obama's press secretary, revealed that Obamagasms often intesify the third and fouth times around. "When you love Barack with such severity, you can't help but find yourself approving more and more of his actions. Each smile, each wave, each executive order signed, each Blackberry message sent... it overwhelms you with a feeling of confidence in his presidency."

Indeed, when pollsters sent out a fourth inquiry in the same day, the approval rating jumped again, this time to an historic 94%. Many of those polled had lost the ability to speak and even more would just scream, "Change, oh change! Change... cha... cha... cha... CHAAAAAAAAAAANGE!"

Oxford historian Dr. Fletcher Fleming acknowledged that "never in the history of human kind have a people been so satisfied for so little work done by their superiors. Obama is truly a great leader if he can inspire such adoration after only a week."

Barack Obama is expected to declare a perpetual state of emergency to release the funds necessary for providing emergency staff for the millions of people that will likely lose consciousness next week during one of his weekly addresses.

Iceland Government Falls, spells doom for international waterways

2009-01-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

The Icelandinc government has fallen:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/01/26/iceland.government/index.html

What is not being reported here is that a reactionary political faction has sworn to take over in Reykjavik and restore Iceland to it's former glory. Number one on the agenda: the organization of Viking pillagers.

"We have long abandoned our cultural heritage in favor of a Western Civilzation style of government," said Thorvald Thorvaldsen, leader of the Viking Peoples Front. "It's time to go back to what we did best: Pillaging and Plundering."

The Icelanders are not content, however, with dominating only the Northern and Atlantic waterways surrounding Europe. They plan to extend their influence globally--especially at the hotbed of the Horn of Africa.

"Those Somalians... they think they're soooo good at being pillagers and pirates," explains Thorvaldsen. "These bozos need GPS, outboard motors and automatic weapons to get the job done. Back in the day, our people would row longships with one hand while gulping a goblet of mead in the other, and we could sack a whole village with our bare hands if we wanted to. Just imagine what we could do with only a fraction of the Somali's technology!"

Thorvaldsen hopes to have his fleet of braided blonde berzerkers ready by Summer, whereupon they will meet the Somalian pirates head on.

"The battle will be legendary, and our victory will solidify our dominance of the global waterways. Iceland shall be great once again."

Iceland has only truly been independent since 1944, when it voted to break from Denmark, their mother nation. When Anders Fogh Rasmussen, Prime Minister of Denmark, was asked how he felt about the collapse of the Icelandic regime and the ensuing threat of a Viking usurpation of power, Mr. Rasmussen replied, "Iceland had a government?"