Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Obama Peace Prize Linked to Collge Football

Thorbjorn Jagland was named chairman of the Nobel Prize committee thispast February. Little did the committee know that his real passionwas organized war on the college football field.
Upon hearing President Obama’s plan for the BCS Jagland quickly endorsed Obama for the Nobel Prize and invited others over to his house to watch his beloved Boise State team in his Ikea family room.

“I love the team!” He exclaimed in his office watching a game onESPN360.com. “It is my dream to see Boise State win the National Title.”

The night was filled with blue Kool-Aid, blue berry muffins, and a contest to yell “First and ten!” without an accent.

“I knew that in order to see the change that this world really needs (The downfall of the BCS), we would need a leader like President Obama. With his ambition, political push, and obvious athletic ability,being black, now was the time to act. The prize would be an undisputable argument in favor of the President.”

The BCS (Bowl College Series) is a system in college football that ranks teams with a point system to deem them worthy for a national title and other prestigious games. Many around the US and Sweden, including Obama and Jagland, feel strongly that a playoff system is needed.

“It’s simply stupid.” Obama said. “What other system to do you know ofthat automatically selects candidates according to their organization and provides them the only real chance to win? It’s biased and unfair,and only results in an undeserved champion.”

Despite Jagland’s passion for football, the committee is foreign toAmerican football. Jagland found a way to address football and Obama’s nomination with careful diction and Nobel Prize jargon.

“I said that Obama should be named the winner, ‘for his efforts to strengthen cooperation between peoples to meet global peace,’” said Jaglund. “It alludes to global affairs and peace, without being specific to the situation.”

Other committee members had no comment on the matter.“It starts here,” smiled a Thorbjorn sporting his favorite Boise Statehat, “First the Peace Prize, then the National Title!”

Monday, June 1, 2009

Nintendo to release new “Wiiconomics: Obama Edition” game

While the auto industry suffered a huge blow today with GM officially filing for bankruptcy, the gaming arena seems to be doing just fine—especially if you’re Nintendo. The Japanese-based company announced today that it would be releasing its newest addition to the already stellar line-up of innovative and physically interactive games for its hit console, the Wii. The name of the game: Wiiconomics: Obama Edition.

Working closely with both the President and key members of his administration, such as Tim Geithner and Hillary Clinton, Wiiconomics: Obama Edition—or WOE as insiders have nicknamed it—allows the player to take the helm of White House fiscal policy and crush recessions and depressions with brute force. The game is intended to be both educational and good for your heart; you must use your brain-power while balancing on the Wii Fit to execute your moves.

“I find the game not only practical and realistic, but also damn entertaining,” an exuberant Geithner told reporters. “You really have to try hard to stay balanced on the Wii Fit while pushing your foot down on the throat of GM executives. But despite the strain, it’s so much fun to watch the life drain from their faces! It’s just like real life!”

But Geithner wasn’t the only one to give such a rave review. The president himself—whose endorsements are viewed as the Breath of Life—lauded the game and is encouraging Congress to write legislation requiring tax payer monies to pay for its dispersal across the nation.

“Naturally, it only took me an hour to beat the whole game,” Obama said, “but don’t expect to do that yourself. After all, this game is based on my economic prowess, so it’s no surprise that I rock the game.”

The president said that his favorite part of the game was when the player is faced with the end boss, the Beast of Capitalism. He said he enjoyed how the player was required to twist and squeeze the Wii controllers in a choking motion to suffocate the enemy.

“It’s just as I envisioned myself doing in the near future,” Obama beamed.

Nintendo says that this will be the first of many such games, and that gamers should anticipate the next version of Wiiconomics to be based on the policies of FDR. Much of this game, it is admitted, will involve having half your Wiiple dig a hole while the other half fill it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sotomayor clarifies "white male" remark, cites Homer Simpson, Tim Taylor

Only moments after being nominated to fill the vacancy in the Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor is getting a lot of heat for a comment she made back in 2001. While addressing an Hispanic group at Berkley, Sotomayor said that she "would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experience would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life." Now the soon-to-be-first-Latina-on-the-bench is on the defensive.

"Look, first of all, that comment was made about eight years ago," Sotomayor told reporters. "At the time, I was watching a lot of Simpsons and Home Improvement to relax from my daily stresses, and let's be honest, those shows don't really highlight the intellectual aptitude of Whitey."

Sotomayor did point out that Homer Simpson himself had enjoyed a wealth of experiences beyond her own, but quickly claimed that if she had flown into space, commanded a nuclear submarine and won a Grammy--just as Mr. Simpson had--she would be able to draw crucial life lessons therefrom and be a better judge, instead of being a lazy, good-for-nothing power plant technician.

"The same goes for the Tool Man," Sotomayor continued. "I mean, how many times do you have to have a weed whacker engine blow up in your face before you realize that you probably shouldn't tweak things like that? It's for things like this that I feel that a Latina could do a better job. Of course, I've met some stellar white men since then, like Joe Biden, so there's some room for exception."

Jorge Martinez, who was present at the 2001 Berkley conference where the controversial comment was made, said that the gaffe shouldn't be taken seriously at all.

"The phrase is completely out of context," he said. "You see, we were all high at that conference. No, not because we're Hispanic. Why on earth would you make that generalization? No, it's because we were students at Berkley, and Berkley students are perpetually high. Sonia also laughed for 30 minutes at a butterfly, but nobody is whining about that. Let's just drop it, okay?"

Regardless of all the stupid things Sotomayor had said and done in her past, Congress is expected to confirm her nomination after a series of charades and shenanigans that make it appear that they are truly trying to grill the judicial candidate.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Obama Calls Giant Robot Destroying Chicago a ‘Grave Threat’


Mark Dunlop dove to the ground for cover as a giant 75 foot robot destroyed the apartment complex he had been living in. Getting up, covered in dust and debris, Mark grabbed his family and ran down the road further south away from danger. Chicago has been under siege for two days and hundreds of thousands of residents have fled the area. After much deliberation and review, the Obama administration has come out with a statement about the situation.

Standing at the podium with a handful of papers the president explained to the gathered press that the administration views the giant killer robot as a “grave threat.” The president then began to step down from the podium at which point journalist Debbie Newsome stood up and asked the president for further clarification.

Reluctantly the president retook his stand at the podium and repeated the administrations stance on the situation.

“Soooo, what are we going to do about it?” asked Newsome.

The president furled his brow, clearly perplexed by Mrs. Newsome’s confusing logic. “What do you mean? I just told you what are doing. We are unmistakably labeling the robot as a threat. We labeled any and all killer robots a threat five months ago and our stance has not changed. Can you believe this thing is just violating all sorts of UN Security Council agreements?”

“But why didn’t we do anything five months ago to prevent this current situation?” asked a persistent Mrs. Newsome.

“We did do something. We labeled it a threat,” replied the flabbergasted president.

“So why is a killer giant death robot destroying Chicago?” responded Mrs. Newsome.

“A killer robot is destroying my hometown because they are threats and that’s what threats do,” explained the president very slowly so that Mrs. Newsome could better understand him.

“It is the same thing as North Korea,” continued the president. “We have labeled them as a threat too. Soon enough a devastating nuclear tragedy will befall the United States and we will say, ‘Told you they were a threat. We called it.’ And then I will be vindicated as great.”

In related news, democrats in Congress voted today to label everything under the sun as a threat so that if anything ever happens they will not have been wrong about it.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Costco Now Only Accepting Silver Dollars Minted Before 1977

Bulk foods store, Costco, announced today a plan to increase the chain’s exclusivity/annoyance factor. The effort to both set its self apart from other stores and solidify its reputation as most annoying place on the face of the earth culminated in the store’s decision to only accept silver dollars minted before the year 1977 Anno Domini, The move only angered the customers who have not yet been completely brainwashed thru the various free samples offered in the store aisles.

“We want our customers to feel like they are special; like they are in a place unlike any other,” says store manager Troy Winfeld. “That is why we don’t accept the same trash other stores do. If we don’t keep our image we’ll end up just like a host of other successful stores.”

Kevin Southman came to the store today to buy 482 fl. oz. of ketchup but was turned away at the register because he forgot his silver dollars.

“I just pulled out my card and the cashier burned my face with her laser eyes,” says Kevin. “I mean, jeez! This card is accepted in every other place of business within a 2000 mile radius of this spot.”

Seventy-four year old, Edith Pederson, was seen breathing heavily making her way into the store from the parking lot. The extra weight of lugging hundreds of dollars worth of silver coins in her cart does not seem to have dampened her spirits any.

“It’s a little extra work but, you know, it keeps out the riff-raff,” says Edith. And I don’t have room for groceries in my cart anymore but that’s okay. Oh, excuse me. I have to go find that cute old man serving the clam chowder cups”

This new policy is beginning to push some people over the edge. Gus Hartvedt describes himself as a happy-go-lucky optimist. But when he steps inside a Costco he puts his wife on suicide watch duty.

“The soul crushing disparity under those halogen bulbs destroys my will to live,” says Gus. “I don’t know what is worse, the face that somebody decided to make a 15 pound jar of pickles, or that I always buy them.”

“The regular laws of human intuition do not apply inside of Costco,” says University of Virginia psychology professor, Lyle Gummot. “Nobody who is acting in their natural state of mind would buy 360 slices of synthetic cheese and pay for it with silver dollars. In fact, I think the whole Matrix movie franchise was thought up after a trip to Costco.”

In addition to its recent silver dollar manifesto, Costco is mulling restricting store ID’s to those who will tattoo “Kirkland” on their eyelids.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Ugly Duckling Not A Baby Swan But Actual Ugly Duck

The banks of the Iowa River near the campus of the University of Iowa in Iowa City, IA have long a been a popular spot to feed the ducks. Despite its already popular reputation, citizens and students have been flocking to the riverbank for a different reason. These come not to feed him, but to mock, point and laugh at one hideously ugly duckling.

Born just this spring, the duckling has been named Petrus by ill-wishers who come to throw bolts and batteries at the poorly favored waterfowl. Not only are humans quick to mock Petrus; his fellow ducks break into fits of laughter whenever he is around.

“There ain’t no swan in this story,” says humanities major, Brian Bitner. “That is just a bone-fide ugly duck.”

As a matter of fact, many of the river’s swans make it a point to peck the duckling in the face whenever they are nearby.

“No fairy tale here,” says Blanco, one of the river’s swans. “He’ll grow up to be the most disgusting duck in the history of duck-lore. He is a Darwinian mystery. Normally a duck like this would not survive but I am guessing he will just because he is so much fun to laugh at. His ugliness will be his bane, and his only hope.”

Even the duck’s own mother couldn’t offer any words of encouragement. “It is what it is,” she says. “I mean, you look up ugly in the dictionary and there is a picture of Philadelphia Phillies right fielder, Jason Werth. But then in the footnotes there is a picture of Petrus."

Long time duck feeder, Maye Abeford, says that it is not what’s on the outside that counts, but what’s on the inside. “And what’s on the inside are the ugliest duck guts you could ever find anywhere on all the face of this great earth,” she concludes.

One University of Iowa math professor has promised extra credit to any of his students who are able to quantify the duck’s ugliness in terms of a mathematical equation. University hospital residents have come across a new form of flesh-eating bacteria that they have named “Petrus” in honor of the duck.

The duck does bring a certain aspect of danger to the community. Eighteen people were admitted to intensive care for laughter related injuries when an equally ugly pug mauled the duckling last Friday.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Senator Robert Byrd diagnosed with “C. Montgomery Burnsism”


Senator Robert Byrd spent most of his weekend at the hospital after an infection caused him to spike a fever. The 91-year-old legislator from West Virginia has seen his fair share of illnesses during his long tenure on Capitol Hill, and many of his supporters are fearing that this could be the end of Byrd’s illustrious career. However, the senator’s doctors say these fears are not only unfounded, but at complete odds with their latest diagnosis.

“Mr. Byrd has what the medical world calls ‘C. Montgomery Burnsism,’” said Byrd’s lead medical advisor, Dr. Julius Hibbert. “Basically, the combination of Senator Byrd’s old age and deteriorating immune system has allowed every known communicable disease to enter his body. However, these diseases are all competing with each other for the chance to kill the man, thus neutralizing every illness within him.”

Doctors are saying that whereas the curmudgeonly politician walks a razor thin edge in regards to his health, they feel the competing diseases will likely allow the senator to have at least another quarter century of uninterrupted legislating.

“We are thrilled with this news,” said Byrd’s Chief of Staff Barbara Videnieks. “In recent decades, all we’ve needed to win an election in this state was a clean bill of health. Now we’ve got a green light for the next 25 years! We can coast for a bit now.”

Most West Virginians aren’t sure why they keep electing the aged Byrd back into office, but despite this, they don’t see any reason to look to anyone new to fill the seat.

“If you think about it, the fact that the man is still breathing means he’s at least meeting the status quo compared to other senators,” registered voter Matthew Davis told pollsters today. “He’s doing just as little for the nation as every one else on Capitol Hill, so why change things?”

Byrd is expected to return to his Senate seat next week, but was told by lead Democrats to take his time as they really have nothing pressing at the moment and won’t be getting around to anything new in the immediate future.