Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Obama Peace Prize Linked to Collge Football

Thorbjorn Jagland was named chairman of the Nobel Prize committee thispast February. Little did the committee know that his real passionwas organized war on the college football field.
Upon hearing President Obama’s plan for the BCS Jagland quickly endorsed Obama for the Nobel Prize and invited others over to his house to watch his beloved Boise State team in his Ikea family room.

“I love the team!” He exclaimed in his office watching a game onESPN360.com. “It is my dream to see Boise State win the National Title.”

The night was filled with blue Kool-Aid, blue berry muffins, and a contest to yell “First and ten!” without an accent.

“I knew that in order to see the change that this world really needs (The downfall of the BCS), we would need a leader like President Obama. With his ambition, political push, and obvious athletic ability,being black, now was the time to act. The prize would be an undisputable argument in favor of the President.”

The BCS (Bowl College Series) is a system in college football that ranks teams with a point system to deem them worthy for a national title and other prestigious games. Many around the US and Sweden, including Obama and Jagland, feel strongly that a playoff system is needed.

“It’s simply stupid.” Obama said. “What other system to do you know ofthat automatically selects candidates according to their organization and provides them the only real chance to win? It’s biased and unfair,and only results in an undeserved champion.”

Despite Jagland’s passion for football, the committee is foreign toAmerican football. Jagland found a way to address football and Obama’s nomination with careful diction and Nobel Prize jargon.

“I said that Obama should be named the winner, ‘for his efforts to strengthen cooperation between peoples to meet global peace,’” said Jaglund. “It alludes to global affairs and peace, without being specific to the situation.”

Other committee members had no comment on the matter.“It starts here,” smiled a Thorbjorn sporting his favorite Boise Statehat, “First the Peace Prize, then the National Title!”

Monday, June 1, 2009

Nintendo to release new “Wiiconomics: Obama Edition” game

While the auto industry suffered a huge blow today with GM officially filing for bankruptcy, the gaming arena seems to be doing just fine—especially if you’re Nintendo. The Japanese-based company announced today that it would be releasing its newest addition to the already stellar line-up of innovative and physically interactive games for its hit console, the Wii. The name of the game: Wiiconomics: Obama Edition.

Working closely with both the President and key members of his administration, such as Tim Geithner and Hillary Clinton, Wiiconomics: Obama Edition—or WOE as insiders have nicknamed it—allows the player to take the helm of White House fiscal policy and crush recessions and depressions with brute force. The game is intended to be both educational and good for your heart; you must use your brain-power while balancing on the Wii Fit to execute your moves.

“I find the game not only practical and realistic, but also damn entertaining,” an exuberant Geithner told reporters. “You really have to try hard to stay balanced on the Wii Fit while pushing your foot down on the throat of GM executives. But despite the strain, it’s so much fun to watch the life drain from their faces! It’s just like real life!”

But Geithner wasn’t the only one to give such a rave review. The president himself—whose endorsements are viewed as the Breath of Life—lauded the game and is encouraging Congress to write legislation requiring tax payer monies to pay for its dispersal across the nation.

“Naturally, it only took me an hour to beat the whole game,” Obama said, “but don’t expect to do that yourself. After all, this game is based on my economic prowess, so it’s no surprise that I rock the game.”

The president said that his favorite part of the game was when the player is faced with the end boss, the Beast of Capitalism. He said he enjoyed how the player was required to twist and squeeze the Wii controllers in a choking motion to suffocate the enemy.

“It’s just as I envisioned myself doing in the near future,” Obama beamed.

Nintendo says that this will be the first of many such games, and that gamers should anticipate the next version of Wiiconomics to be based on the policies of FDR. Much of this game, it is admitted, will involve having half your Wiiple dig a hole while the other half fill it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sotomayor clarifies "white male" remark, cites Homer Simpson, Tim Taylor

Only moments after being nominated to fill the vacancy in the Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor is getting a lot of heat for a comment she made back in 2001. While addressing an Hispanic group at Berkley, Sotomayor said that she "would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experience would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life." Now the soon-to-be-first-Latina-on-the-bench is on the defensive.

"Look, first of all, that comment was made about eight years ago," Sotomayor told reporters. "At the time, I was watching a lot of Simpsons and Home Improvement to relax from my daily stresses, and let's be honest, those shows don't really highlight the intellectual aptitude of Whitey."

Sotomayor did point out that Homer Simpson himself had enjoyed a wealth of experiences beyond her own, but quickly claimed that if she had flown into space, commanded a nuclear submarine and won a Grammy--just as Mr. Simpson had--she would be able to draw crucial life lessons therefrom and be a better judge, instead of being a lazy, good-for-nothing power plant technician.

"The same goes for the Tool Man," Sotomayor continued. "I mean, how many times do you have to have a weed whacker engine blow up in your face before you realize that you probably shouldn't tweak things like that? It's for things like this that I feel that a Latina could do a better job. Of course, I've met some stellar white men since then, like Joe Biden, so there's some room for exception."

Jorge Martinez, who was present at the 2001 Berkley conference where the controversial comment was made, said that the gaffe shouldn't be taken seriously at all.

"The phrase is completely out of context," he said. "You see, we were all high at that conference. No, not because we're Hispanic. Why on earth would you make that generalization? No, it's because we were students at Berkley, and Berkley students are perpetually high. Sonia also laughed for 30 minutes at a butterfly, but nobody is whining about that. Let's just drop it, okay?"

Regardless of all the stupid things Sotomayor had said and done in her past, Congress is expected to confirm her nomination after a series of charades and shenanigans that make it appear that they are truly trying to grill the judicial candidate.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Obama Calls Giant Robot Destroying Chicago a ‘Grave Threat’


Mark Dunlop dove to the ground for cover as a giant 75 foot robot destroyed the apartment complex he had been living in. Getting up, covered in dust and debris, Mark grabbed his family and ran down the road further south away from danger. Chicago has been under siege for two days and hundreds of thousands of residents have fled the area. After much deliberation and review, the Obama administration has come out with a statement about the situation.

Standing at the podium with a handful of papers the president explained to the gathered press that the administration views the giant killer robot as a “grave threat.” The president then began to step down from the podium at which point journalist Debbie Newsome stood up and asked the president for further clarification.

Reluctantly the president retook his stand at the podium and repeated the administrations stance on the situation.

“Soooo, what are we going to do about it?” asked Newsome.

The president furled his brow, clearly perplexed by Mrs. Newsome’s confusing logic. “What do you mean? I just told you what are doing. We are unmistakably labeling the robot as a threat. We labeled any and all killer robots a threat five months ago and our stance has not changed. Can you believe this thing is just violating all sorts of UN Security Council agreements?”

“But why didn’t we do anything five months ago to prevent this current situation?” asked a persistent Mrs. Newsome.

“We did do something. We labeled it a threat,” replied the flabbergasted president.

“So why is a killer giant death robot destroying Chicago?” responded Mrs. Newsome.

“A killer robot is destroying my hometown because they are threats and that’s what threats do,” explained the president very slowly so that Mrs. Newsome could better understand him.

“It is the same thing as North Korea,” continued the president. “We have labeled them as a threat too. Soon enough a devastating nuclear tragedy will befall the United States and we will say, ‘Told you they were a threat. We called it.’ And then I will be vindicated as great.”

In related news, democrats in Congress voted today to label everything under the sun as a threat so that if anything ever happens they will not have been wrong about it.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Costco Now Only Accepting Silver Dollars Minted Before 1977

Bulk foods store, Costco, announced today a plan to increase the chain’s exclusivity/annoyance factor. The effort to both set its self apart from other stores and solidify its reputation as most annoying place on the face of the earth culminated in the store’s decision to only accept silver dollars minted before the year 1977 Anno Domini, The move only angered the customers who have not yet been completely brainwashed thru the various free samples offered in the store aisles.

“We want our customers to feel like they are special; like they are in a place unlike any other,” says store manager Troy Winfeld. “That is why we don’t accept the same trash other stores do. If we don’t keep our image we’ll end up just like a host of other successful stores.”

Kevin Southman came to the store today to buy 482 fl. oz. of ketchup but was turned away at the register because he forgot his silver dollars.

“I just pulled out my card and the cashier burned my face with her laser eyes,” says Kevin. “I mean, jeez! This card is accepted in every other place of business within a 2000 mile radius of this spot.”

Seventy-four year old, Edith Pederson, was seen breathing heavily making her way into the store from the parking lot. The extra weight of lugging hundreds of dollars worth of silver coins in her cart does not seem to have dampened her spirits any.

“It’s a little extra work but, you know, it keeps out the riff-raff,” says Edith. And I don’t have room for groceries in my cart anymore but that’s okay. Oh, excuse me. I have to go find that cute old man serving the clam chowder cups”

This new policy is beginning to push some people over the edge. Gus Hartvedt describes himself as a happy-go-lucky optimist. But when he steps inside a Costco he puts his wife on suicide watch duty.

“The soul crushing disparity under those halogen bulbs destroys my will to live,” says Gus. “I don’t know what is worse, the face that somebody decided to make a 15 pound jar of pickles, or that I always buy them.”

“The regular laws of human intuition do not apply inside of Costco,” says University of Virginia psychology professor, Lyle Gummot. “Nobody who is acting in their natural state of mind would buy 360 slices of synthetic cheese and pay for it with silver dollars. In fact, I think the whole Matrix movie franchise was thought up after a trip to Costco.”

In addition to its recent silver dollar manifesto, Costco is mulling restricting store ID’s to those who will tattoo “Kirkland” on their eyelids.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Ugly Duckling Not A Baby Swan But Actual Ugly Duck

The banks of the Iowa River near the campus of the University of Iowa in Iowa City, IA have long a been a popular spot to feed the ducks. Despite its already popular reputation, citizens and students have been flocking to the riverbank for a different reason. These come not to feed him, but to mock, point and laugh at one hideously ugly duckling.

Born just this spring, the duckling has been named Petrus by ill-wishers who come to throw bolts and batteries at the poorly favored waterfowl. Not only are humans quick to mock Petrus; his fellow ducks break into fits of laughter whenever he is around.

“There ain’t no swan in this story,” says humanities major, Brian Bitner. “That is just a bone-fide ugly duck.”

As a matter of fact, many of the river’s swans make it a point to peck the duckling in the face whenever they are nearby.

“No fairy tale here,” says Blanco, one of the river’s swans. “He’ll grow up to be the most disgusting duck in the history of duck-lore. He is a Darwinian mystery. Normally a duck like this would not survive but I am guessing he will just because he is so much fun to laugh at. His ugliness will be his bane, and his only hope.”

Even the duck’s own mother couldn’t offer any words of encouragement. “It is what it is,” she says. “I mean, you look up ugly in the dictionary and there is a picture of Philadelphia Phillies right fielder, Jason Werth. But then in the footnotes there is a picture of Petrus."

Long time duck feeder, Maye Abeford, says that it is not what’s on the outside that counts, but what’s on the inside. “And what’s on the inside are the ugliest duck guts you could ever find anywhere on all the face of this great earth,” she concludes.

One University of Iowa math professor has promised extra credit to any of his students who are able to quantify the duck’s ugliness in terms of a mathematical equation. University hospital residents have come across a new form of flesh-eating bacteria that they have named “Petrus” in honor of the duck.

The duck does bring a certain aspect of danger to the community. Eighteen people were admitted to intensive care for laughter related injuries when an equally ugly pug mauled the duckling last Friday.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Senator Robert Byrd diagnosed with “C. Montgomery Burnsism”


Senator Robert Byrd spent most of his weekend at the hospital after an infection caused him to spike a fever. The 91-year-old legislator from West Virginia has seen his fair share of illnesses during his long tenure on Capitol Hill, and many of his supporters are fearing that this could be the end of Byrd’s illustrious career. However, the senator’s doctors say these fears are not only unfounded, but at complete odds with their latest diagnosis.

“Mr. Byrd has what the medical world calls ‘C. Montgomery Burnsism,’” said Byrd’s lead medical advisor, Dr. Julius Hibbert. “Basically, the combination of Senator Byrd’s old age and deteriorating immune system has allowed every known communicable disease to enter his body. However, these diseases are all competing with each other for the chance to kill the man, thus neutralizing every illness within him.”

Doctors are saying that whereas the curmudgeonly politician walks a razor thin edge in regards to his health, they feel the competing diseases will likely allow the senator to have at least another quarter century of uninterrupted legislating.

“We are thrilled with this news,” said Byrd’s Chief of Staff Barbara Videnieks. “In recent decades, all we’ve needed to win an election in this state was a clean bill of health. Now we’ve got a green light for the next 25 years! We can coast for a bit now.”

Most West Virginians aren’t sure why they keep electing the aged Byrd back into office, but despite this, they don’t see any reason to look to anyone new to fill the seat.

“If you think about it, the fact that the man is still breathing means he’s at least meeting the status quo compared to other senators,” registered voter Matthew Davis told pollsters today. “He’s doing just as little for the nation as every one else on Capitol Hill, so why change things?”

Byrd is expected to return to his Senate seat next week, but was told by lead Democrats to take his time as they really have nothing pressing at the moment and won’t be getting around to anything new in the immediate future.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

University of Notre Dame to replace well-known mural with President Obama’s image


Following a series of controversies that had become a major embarrassment for the University of Notre Dame and left-leaning Catholics across the globe, the school’s president, Rev. John I. Jenkins, declared that the institution would make up for the ill behavior of its “crazy right-wing students” by replacing the famous Touchdown Jesus with Touchdown Obama. The move has already received praise by the White House as “a bold and profound statement of tolerance and bipartisanship.”

Protests had been taking place all week on the university’s campus regarding the President’s controversial visit. As a pro-choice advocate, many felt that Obama was simply not welcome at a school whose faith is opposed to the practice.

“It just isn’t right to have a baby killer give a speech at this distinguished university,” Notre Dame senior Eric O’Malley said during a protest, just moments before getting tazed. “Evil isn’t allowed here. Oh, except for Charlie Weiss, but we always let the football team skirt the rules.”

Much to the chagrin of Jenkins and others who favored Obama’s visit, the protesters continued to display their outrage, even during the President’s speech.

“We are very much aware of the unspoken ‘do-not-speak-ill-of-Obama’ rule that was instituted during the primary campaigns last year,” Jenkins told reporters. “I guess some of our student body chose to ignore that rule. So, in an effort to reestablish peace with the White House, we are going to paint Obama’s image on the Hesburgh Library. That should convey the message that we are not against our dear President, and will hopefully spare us his wrath.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President was delighted with the gesture and felt the offering was indeed worthy of earning favor with the White House.

“The President is a big time sports fan,” Gibbs told the press, “and Touchdown Obama will only add to the great collection of sports memorabilia he has acquired in his magnificent tenure. The President is sure that his image behind Notre Dame’s stadium will actually help the football team score some touchdowns this upcoming season.”

Many of the protesters from Sunday’s speech spent the night either in jail or in the hospital, recovering from “peace-keeping” actions from the police. Although they had been very disruptive both before and during the speech, President Obama did not harbor any hatred for them.

“I forgive them,” Obama said this morning, “for they know not what they do.”

Celebrity edition of Hell’s Kitchen canceled after one episode following spontaneous creation of Black Hole

Fans of the controversial Fox reality show, Hell’s Kitchen, are dealing with heartache tonight. Producers of the cooking-based contest, in which graduates of the Job Corps tolerate a verbal accosting by foul-mouthed British chef Gordon Ramsey in hopes of winning their own restaurant, had promised a celebrity version in which hot-headed stars with rampant tempers would compete for their favored charity. Sadly, the show had to be canceled after one recording session, as heated tempers amongst the contestants exploded, forming a new black hole in downtown Los Angeles.

Executive Producer Arthur Smith said that he had envisioned a wonderfully hostile show featuring some of the nation’s most notorious tantrum throwers. Inviting the likes of Christian Bale, Senator John McCain, the Gallagher Brothers from the pop-rock band Oasis and Chicago Cubs Manager Lou Panella, Smith had hoped for an expletive-ridden environment that Americans just wouldn’t be able to turn off.

“The idea looked really good on paper,” Smith said in the aftermath of the show. “And everyone was on board with it from the beginning. But within 10 minutes of filming the first kitchen scene, Chef Ramsey had blocked a camera shot of Christian Bale. A shouting match ensued… and it got really ugly, really fast.”

Eyewitness say that after Bale and Ramsey had sworn at each other for 13 minutes, Senator McCain threw himself into the fray, using choice words to voice his disapproval of their opposition to his immigration bill. Panella quickly came to the aid of Bale, and when Ramsey tried to eject him from the kitchen, the venerated manager found some sand and kicked it all over the Hell’s Kitchen welcome mat, effectively covering the mat and its logo entirely.

“The Gallagher brothers, however,” Smith explained, “refrained from joining the main fight and just beat each other senseless with pots and rolling pins.”

After tempers had raged for nearly two hours, the lights in the restaurant curiously began to wane, and energy seemed to be drawn towards the central point of the conflict. Physicist Stephen Hawking, a longtime fan of the show who was on sight per invitation by Ramsey, knew immediately what was happening.

“The enormous amounts of negative energy spewing forth from the group was countering the energy of the environment around them,” Hawking clarified. “I knew that it was only moments before this energy imploded on itself. Luckily, I recently had a V8 engine installed on my chair, so I quickly got the hell out of there.”

President Obama is expected to ask Congress for $800 billion in stimulus money to find a way to close the black hole before it destroys all of California.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Joe Jonas to be replaced by Axl Rose in upcoming Summer Tour

The fragile hearts of teenage and “tweeny”-aged girls were crushed today when Kevin Jonas Sr.—the boys’ father and manager—announced that lead singer Joe Jonas had swallowed a golf ball on a dare, damaging his vocal chords and sidelining the heartthrob for the upcoming summer tour. Although the absence of the beloved front man will hinder the tour, Jonas Sr. said it won’t cancel it, and that they found a replacement in Guns n’ Roses vocalist Axl Rose.

“Axl actually wasn’t our first choice,” Jonas said. “We tried to get Josh Groban, who respectfully declined. Then I tried to get Brad Paisley, who said he’d think about it and then drove to my house to punch me in the face for insulting him like that. In a panic, I called up Rose, and surprisingly he agreed to do it.”

Rose will bring a different edge to the pop-icon’s teen-girl oriented music, and despite having scared thousands of twelve-year-olds out of their minds after they YouTubed the singer to see how he’d look with their teen idols, he feels he’ll be ready by the beginning of the tour.

“My approach is simple,” Rose informed Seventeen magazine this morning. “I get really drunk, smoke a pack before the show, and scream my heart out. It worked in the 80’s and 90’s. It’ll work now. Oh, I’ll also call up Slash and insult his mother, just to get extra fired up.”

Rose said he has no intention of actually learning the songs for the tour, and will just follow the lead of the band.

As part of the agreement, Kevin Jonas Sr. said that the Jonas Bothers will perform a few G n’ R hits from their latest album during the lineup. However, guitarists Kevin Jr. and Nick Jonas aren’t too sure about performing the difficult solos of Ron Thal and Slash on stage.

“This is [bleep]ing impossible,” a visibly frustrated Nick Jonas said at a recent practice session. “I just learned a Dm7 chord, and that took months to get down. I can’t play this!”

All ticket sales for the tour now come with the disclaimer that the band is not responsible for the 40 year old women in acid wash jeans who take their shirts off during the performance.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Dozens killed, hundreds more injured on opening day of “Bike-to-Work Week”


Thousands of Americans across the nation traded in their car keys for their ten-speeds this morning in a joint effort with the League of American Bicyclists to ride their bikes to work this entire week. According to the LAB, May is National Bike Month, and it is hoped that this week long campaign will get more Americans hooked on the cost-saving, health-promoting benefits of taking their bicycles to work instead of their motor vehicles.

However, things did not turn out like anyone had anticipated.

Within the first 30 minutes of the morning commute on the east coast, reports of bicycle crashes and other related incidents began to flow into the police beat. Crowds of bikers mixed with motorized commuters proved to be a dangerous—and deadly—combination.

“We’ve treated thirteen heart attacks, four hernias and at least twenty torn hamstrings this morning alone,” said ER doctor Coy Henderson of Atlanta’s Saint Joseph Hospital. “I’ve never seen anything like this. To make matters worse, every single patient seems to be wearing a spandex outfit that is at least three sizes too small for them. We’ve had to put one of our orderlies on scissor sharpening duties just to keep up with all the clothing removal needed.”

Witnesses say it appeared that the majority of the “Bike-to-Work” cyclists simply had forgotten how to ride a bicycle.

“I saw one guy ride right over the edge of a cliff and into the ocean,” said Kevin DeMille of Seattle. “We were all riding downhill, and there was a somewhat tight curve. The man didn’t even attempt to turn. He just peddled himself into the drink and never resurfaced!”

“Oh, I’m not actually hurt,” whispered Frank Sorensen at a Salt Lake City hospital, “I just pooped my pants while peddling uphill and didn’t want to go into work or back home with that kind of shame. I faked chest pain to get in here and have a nurse clean me up. You’ll keep my name anonymous, won’t you?”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi commented recently that whereas this is a terrible tragedy, especially for those who died, it presents an opportunity for the greater good.

“As you know, unemployment is at its highest point since 1983,” Pelosi said. “So the more these cycling commuters are killed on the way to work, the more jobs will open up for the unemployed. Plus, it appears that it is the obese and out of shape that are dying, and they will be replaced by thin people who are lean because they’ve been unemployed and haven’t eaten for months. So this will in turn help change America’s fatty image.”

Experts anticipate that at least 400 people will be dead by the end of this week from biking to work.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Ohio Mother Honored Thru Cheesy Blog Post

Mama, mama. Five boys have conspired to love you. In our manner it takes monumental forces to move us all in the same direction at once. This happens to be one of those cases, and it can in no way be helped or stopped. And for us I think it must be said that Mother’s Day cannot possibly be a happier day for you than it is for each and every one of us. It takes no effort for us to say it, even if you did forget to pick up your poor son from a football game after getting crushed at Liberty.

But no matter, there have been moments galore that helped us all see past such an innocent mistake. A thousand dinners come to mind. And even though some of us did not like tuna casserole as much as others, they have all been appreciated. Perhaps, in retrospect, the total dessert to dinner ratio could have been a little more in our favor but it seems so trivial to dwell upon what might have been.

To this day I can think of not a thing that compares to your house at Christmas time. I am sure it is the most wonderful place in the world when it is in all its majesty. That is a place we all love. Your decorations may still be destroyed by your own children who might have aged past the point of roughhousing around them, but know that they are destroyed with love, steeped in the Christmas spirit. Also, can you make more cookies next year?

Oh, those many times when we kneeled to pray as a family. But what is that sound? “Put that thing back where it came from or so help me! So help me!” It might have been a prayer like no other that evening, but nobody can remember it. Though the Bible fails to preface the pattern of prayer with recitations of from Monster’s Inc., we have been forever taught by this simple delight. You must certainly know how thankful we all are for this.

You baked some cookies recently for one of your sons, for no other reason than you knew he was having a hard time with some things in life. Cookies do not go unnoticed. And yours are the best. Oh, how our wives must toil and regret that no other cookie can hold a candle to yours. But your little one will come to realize that one-day as well. And when he thinks about it, it will recall to mind things that are good. Those good things are often times of your hand.

Once, one of us leaned against you while singing a hymn at church. He heard you singing and was moved to tears because of it. He was very touched by your presence and grew forever thankful to have been given such a mother as you. Many things about how we got so lucky can certainly be explained, but not by us for we do not remember. At some point long ago we became destined to be your sons and you our mother. These United States are so big and many of us are so far away. But our good fortune can never be undone. Thank you mom, we love you. Happy Mother’s Day…

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Obama asks CEO of Hasbro to resign

In another attempt to save the American economy from the tyranny of failed corporate leadership, President Barack Obama asked CEO of toy Hasbro to step down on Thursday. The firm is well known for its ownership of classic, technologically-challenged activities such as Monopoly and Chutes and Ladders. However, despite Hasbro’s consistent popularity throughout the decades, the President just does not feel that the company’s current leadership is taking the necessary steps towards innovation needed for our future.

“Our country is in desperate need of leadership that will take our businesses into the future,” the President said in a statement released to the press. “I was looking at hasbro.com the other day, and noticed that the site was featuring its newest release—another revamp of the classic Monopoly. That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. I mean, how many editions of Monopoly do you have to release before you can admit that you’re out of ideas? It’s time for Hasbro to cut its ties to the past and move on.”

Brian Goldner, who has led the famed manufacturer of children’s toys and goodies since 2008, was floored by the news.

“I’m just… confused,” a flabbergasted Goldner told a media circus outside his home. “Hasbro is doing some seriously good things right now. Is the president not aware that it is OUR toys behind the blockbuster franchise Transformers? I know for a fact that Joe Biden is a fan of that movie. And yeah, we release a new addition of Monopoly almost quarterly, but, jeez, we make a lot of new and ground-breaking toys, too. What does he expect of us?”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs informed news outlets that the President would likely have an audience with the embattled CEO, but did not think the meeting would help Hasbro in the end.

“Once the President makes up his mind, you’d better just count on accepting it,” Gibbs said. “He’s hardly ever wrong, and I don’t see some silly toy-maker having the clout to sway the opinion of the greatest man that has ever lived.”

In related news, Bill Clinton has decided to lobby in behalf of Hasbro in an attempt to get the chance to meet Transformers’ Megan Fox.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Report: 65% of Video Games Addicted to Children

A new study issued by the Gaming Preservation Institute insinuates that American video games are dangerously addicted to children. Though the relationship between video games and children has long been viewed as a toxic one, the GPI now has statistically significant data to confirm these fears after completing its three-year study.

“A rigid balance between enjoying the company of a child and sitting in a drawer collecting dust must be properly maintained in order for the overall health of any video game,” explains GPI front man, DeShaun Malcomb. “No game is less susceptible than another. It is clear that some lines need to be drawn; today’s video games are spending way too much time with American youth.”

A digital Peyton Manning, from EA Sports’ newest release from the Madden franchise, says, “That kid Joey who plays me is intoxicating. I mean, he had me throw for 817 yards in one game last Thursday. That kind of exhilarating power is very addictive. I know I should just back off a little bit but if he is not controlling me 10 minutes after I know he is home from school I start to shake. I need this kid.”

Donald Fullerton’s Mii, lil-Don, does not think that parents need to be concerned about perceived addiction levels or the amount of time video games are spending with their kids.

“I am a complete and total extension of Donald,” says lil-Don. “We even have the same blank and vacant expression. He created me and therefore we are one in the same. Whatever I do, he does. Whatever he does, I do. Any separation between us would cause an irreparable rift in our collective soul and cause serial killing tendencies to surface.”

GPI’s Malcomb knows the challenges facing today’s video games are real. Kids are only evolving more and more free time as schooling and personal work ethics continue to decline causing video game demand to spike higher and higher.

“I have talked to Mario and Luigi about this repeatedly,” says Malcomb. “I tell them, when the kid turns you on you gotta come to the screen and say you’re busy. Tell them you’ll be available some other time. But it’s hard for them; they are addicted to these kids. They think they’ll just pound goombas for a few minutes and the next they know they have been at for three hours. I mean these guys are plumbers; they have other things they need to be doing, like fixing my water softener brine tank.”

Monday, May 4, 2009

Raccoon Attempting To Enter White House Shot Seven Times

The furry black mask worn by a certain Beltway raccoon could not help it slip past White House secret service agents as it was shot dead attempting to enter the president’s residence. The incident occurred at 2:42 AM near the east wing. A flurry of radio communications and flashlight activity preceded the killing as agents scrambled to assume defensive positions against the intruder. When the raccoon failed to respond to vocal commands the agents opened fire.

“We all hate to see this sort of thing happen but it’s all in the job description,” said agent McKay. “The raccoon did not have a press pass, a guest pass, or any of the various other passes we issue. After failing to lay down with its hand behind its head, per our command, we had to shoot it. I mean I was this close to taking out a school girl the other day who had tucked her guest pass under her shirt. There is reason we have passes and that reason is to shoot people/things that don’t have them. I think I have shot a bust of Thomas Jefferson about 18 times.”

Though agents were following standard operating procedures some questions remained about whether or not a raccoon is physically capable of putting its hands behind its head. Representatives from PETA are suggesting is unethical to discriminate against animals that are unable to follow impossible instructions.

“What the agents should have said to the raccoon was ‘knock over the trash cans and make a horrendous mess of everything!’” explains PETA representative Murray Channel. “That way the raccoon is able to comply with a direct order. It is an outrage the Secret Service standard ops are so environmentally outdated. They have not heard the last from us on this issue!”

Agent Sampson thinks the raccoon may have been searching for Easter eggs left behind from the White Houses’ annual Easter Egg Roll.

“The kids did a poor job this year,” said agent Sampson. “They only found about 60% of the eggs we hid around the lawn. I think that raccoon had been searching out the left behind eggs but this was the first time he ventured towards an entrance.”

When asked about whether or not the slaying of a little raccoon was really promoting national security, agent Sampson said that it always better for raccoons to be dead than alive.

“Is it likely that this raccoon was an Iranian spy bent on the destruction of the Office of the President of the United States? No,” said agent Sampson. “But no raccoon is going to hold my president hostage while threatening to nuke Milwaukee on my shift, that is for sure.”

The raccoon slaying of ’09 is not the first critter related slaying at the White House by any means. This incident joins the list with the Great Butterfly Invasion of ’74, the Easter Bunny Tragedy of ’51, and the Hamster Massacre of 1896. In all, seven White House dogs have also been shot after scratching off their collars.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hugh Jackman caught screaming in presence of harmless spider

Only hours before the worldwide premier of the highly anticipated action-thriller X-Men Origins: Wolverine, actor Hugh Jackman—who plays the manly hero Wolverine—was witnessed screaming like a four-year-old girl after seeing a small brown spider scurry across the ground as he was being harassed by the paparazzi. Critics now say the film has lost all appeal, and that the character played by Jackman can no longer be taken seriously.

“It was a saddening sight,” said movie blogger Dan Clover. “Here you have the baddest dude in show business, the great Wolverine, and the man was frightened by a tiny spider.”

Jackman tried to play off the incident as an ironic joke, insisting that the scream was way too girly to not have been done on purpose.

“C’mon guys,” Jackman pleaded to the cameras. “How could anyone with pecs like mine be spooked by that thing? It was a spoof! You gotta believe me!”

The incident has caused speculation that behind the rugged Australian façade, Jackman is, at heart, a flagrant pansy. While most who know the actor are denying this speculation, others who have worked more closely with Jackman say otherwise. Nicole Kidman, for instance, revealed a shocking event from the recently released Australia, in which the two were the star actors.

“During one of the breaks,” Kidman texted reporters, “A koala sidled up to Jackman, and he crapped his pants forthright. He blamed it on some undercooked pork he had eaten earlier, but now I realize the man is simply a nancy and scared of a docile marsupial.”

Wolverine is still expected to fare well this weekend, but the overall franchise will likely suffer in the long run. Toys R’ Us has already pulled all Wolverine action figures from the shelves and transferred them to the girls’ section, next to the Barbies.

“We just feel that little girls relate more to the Wolverine now than boys do,” Toys R’ Us spokesman Geoffrey G. Raffe said.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Obama Signs Up For Night Classes at Gerogetown Unversity

Frustrated and perplexed by the enormous learning curve he has faced during his first 100 days as President, Obama signed up for night school at Georgetown to increase his knowledge base. The President is taking mostly economic classes as he tries to figure out what in the world is going on in the universe around him.

President Obama has so far had a tremendous amount of fun drawing supply and demand curves in Econ 101 and determining how much utility can really be derived by multiple slices of pizza. With the first test of the semester coming up in two weeks the president has been hard at work learning and defining textbook terms.

“I have the terms ‘Monetary’ and ‘Fiscal Policy’ highlighted with bright yellow highlighter in my book,” said an excited Head of State. “I can rattle off the definitions for you verbatim but I still don’t have any idea what practical applications they really have on a national economy.”
Earlier in the week the president touted his $3.5 trillion budget as the means whereby the nation will emerge from the ashes of a decimated economy and create a sustainable foundation for a new and robust economy in the future. However, the president confided to his aids that the above-mentioned rhetoric does not seem to jive with the basic economic principals he is learning in his Econ 101 class.

“Well, we just started really and we still have a lot to learn,” says Obama. “I bet there is a chapter towards the back entitled ‘How to overtax and handcuff private business but still have that great economy you promised everybody.’ That will be an exciting chapter.”

While many simple minded Americans are struggling with the idea of how making things more difficult for the private sector through higher taxes, more red tape and oversight, will somehow translate into a viable and dependable economy, the Obama administration assures them that they are much smarter than they are.

“I’m sick of markets controlling the economy!” says an upset Vice President Biden. “I’d stab Adam Smith’s invisible hand if I could find out where the hell it is! No, no. You want a nice, round, obese government to drive the whole thing.”

According to the Obama camp’s logic, private business is too unstable to perpetuate a healthy economy. Instead the government must do it. First you grow the government by setting a $3.5 trillion budget. Next you slowly raise taxes on everything that can possibly be taxed. Now the private sector can barely operate and individuals have no discretionary income because it is all going to the government. Your government is now the only thing that can move anything in the economy because private business and individuals, along with their petty and unstable whims, have been neutralized.

“And when businesses are no longer motivated by the impossible prospect of making any money America will grow stale and China will be poised to crush us all!” exclaimed Speaker of the House Pelosi. “It is our solemn responsibility to destroy anything we have that is of any worth compared to someone else. I am sure China will return the favor.”

“Yeah, none of this stuff even remotely gels with basic economic principals,” said the president. “But nothing I learned my first few weeks in Country Line Dancing made any sense either.”

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Porky Pig Arrested on Bio-terrorism, Swine Flu Charges

Fun-loving, stuttering Porky Pig showed his evil side today as police led him towards a waiting cruiser. The corpulent pig swore at waiting photographers and displayed a demeanor void of remorse after being picked up on charges related to recent swine flu outbreaks in Mexico and the US. Porky is currently being held in a San Antonio prison waiting to be arraigned on bio-terrorism charges.

"G-g-get, g-g-get, g-g let go of me!” the angry pig cried as police used their might to restrain him

Detectives located the pig as they traced outbreak locations to a farm near Porky’s residence in west Texas. Though Porky had gone into hiding by the time detectives arrived, a search warrant allowed on-scene investigators to locate several beakers and test tubes believed to be used as swine flu cultivators. Porky used these cultivated strains to contaminate ground water wells all over the western part of the state. Two days later police caught up with the fugitive at a hotel in Amarillo.

Daffy Duck, a long friend/nemesis of the pig is having a hard time believing Porky was smart enough to pull off such an elaborate scheme.

“I guess his own bout with swine flu gave him more wit than I ever remember him having,” said a skeptical Daffy. “Not a chance in a million that he could have hatched a plot like this himself. I’ll paint a moustache on every picture I see if it’s true.”

Angry citizens on both sides of the boarder say that Sylvester the cat is mostly to blame for Porky’s deranged state, and many vigilantly swine flu carriers are organizing cat-hunts to bring Sylvester to justice.

“That cat is bad news,” says Emanuel Cueto. “He never lets that pig sleep at night. It is well documented; I have seen the footage myself. I blame the cat for turning that pig into a bio-terrorist psycho.”

Though nobody knows for sure, it seems Porky came down with a severe sore throat several years ago. Left untreated the virus morphed into swine flu by virtue of Porky being, in fact, a pig. Patient confidentiality acts prevent the public from knowing if Porky had ever been treated for the disease but findings at his residence clearly indicate that he was both infected and cultivating the virus.

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said today during a scheduled press conference that the president would probably appoint a director to head up the swine flu situation.

“And after that appointment backs out because of unresolved tax issues we’ll appoint another one, and so forth,” said Gibbs

Loony Tunes has pulled its branded line of surgical masks off store shelf’s and currently has no intention of reintroducing them.

Monday, April 27, 2009

2009 NFL Draft chock full of shocking, irrelevant picks


The 2009 NFL Draft concluded its 7-round fiesta Sunday evening with what might be described as the goofiest selection event in the game’s history. Although some picks were easily expected—such as Detroit shamelessly ruining the career of young star quarterback Matthew Stafford before his rookie year has even begun—others were nothing short of absurd. Below are the stories on the more “off-the-wall” picks of Selection Sunday:

Browns select Nickelodeon’s Alex Mack at number 21

The Cleveland Browns began the day’s absurdity by drafting the long-retired Alex Mack from Nickelodeon studios. Actress Larissa Oleynik, who played Mack, got the call at while shopping for new summer shoes at Dillards.

“I was bit surprised, but it’s been about a decade since I played the role of Alex Mack, so I decided to take it,” Oleynik told ESPN this morning. “I wonder how the Browns plan to utilize my acting skills.”

After taking heat for this pick, Erik Mangini said he simply wanted “someone who could shine on and off the field—just like Alex Mack would shine from the industrial accident on TV.”

Brady Quinn refused to comment on the subject and simply shook his head.

Bill Belichick drafts German to keep “lazy Polish guy” in check
The Patriots selected a future all-star in the second round with Sebastian Vollmer, a German native who plays football as if he were raised in Texas. The lineman’s skills were good enough to get him a scholarship to Houston straight out of his German hometown of Kaarst, and certainly to get him into the NFL, but that’s not why he was selected.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Patriots head coach Bill Belichick told reporters, “We like his skill. But basically, it’s the big-bad-German thing that we needed the most. That Polish guy we’ve got at right tackle, Nick Kaczur, has been a major slacker lately. He needs to feel the threat of a German being his neighbor at all times. That ought to get him going.”

Kaczur tried to call Belichick regarding the offensive race-based comments, but the head coach was too busy cutting the sleeves off of several hoodies to take the call.

Titans scramble, blurt out made-up college name—and get a legit 7th round pick
With the clock winding down and no teams willing to trade, the Tennessee Titans panicked and threw out what they thought at the time to be a made-up selection. C.O. Brocato, the teams recruiting director, shouted “Uh… We’ll take that senior Free Safety from North Dakota State” to NFL officials, who quickly confirmed the selection.

“In all seriousness, that was the first university that came to mind,” Brocato said. “I didn’t even know North Dakota had a university at all! It was just dumb luck that it existed!”

Nick Schommer
, the player mistakenly drafted by the Titans, wasn’t offended by the gaffe.

“Are you kidding me? I’m absolutely thrilled to have this chance,” Schommer told reporters while partying at his parents’ house. “I was going to start some dead-end IT job in Fargo this Summer. Now I’m in the NFL!”

Friday, April 24, 2009

Humane Society calls for substance abuse testing on Polo Horses


In the aftermath of the tragic deaths of 21 horses bred for the sport of polo, the Humane Society is calling for mandatory drug screenings on all involved horses before competition. The deceased horses had reportedly gotten hammered the night before the match on last Sunday and had tried to curb the effects of a terrible hangover with some speed they had purchased from local donkey. Drug testing, it has been claimed, would have prevented this horrific event from taking place.

“Horses, by nature, are drug abusers,” Humane Society spokesperson Jillian Langley said yesterday. “Really, if you knew that all the future held for you was to be turned into dog food or bottled up into Elmer’s, you’d be more prone to do some dope as well. If these horses know we’re going to test, they’ll be less likely to abuse.”

But not everyone is on board with this measure. Many from the Polo community think it’s absolutely absurd to test horses for using banned substances—especially the horses themselves.

“Well if this just isn’t the last straw,” said Jingles, a two-year-old purebred from Miami. “Our privacy rights were already razor thin, and now they want to watch me pee in a cup? It’s bad enough that our jockeys kick us when we’re using the bathroom as it is!”

A large number of Polo horses felt it should be left up to them whether or not they want to smoke some weed or shoot up on the weekends, and that it would be unfair to deny them this one stress reliever in what is indeed a very stressful sport.

“I warned the other pony-boys that this would happen,” exclaimed Liberty, a veteran horse from Texas. “I told them to vote for Ron Paul. And they said I was crazy. Well, who’s crazy now, huh?”

The Humane Society is likely to get this measure passed into law, as Congress has been known to listen to animal right’s activists whenever they so much as pass gas.

“We have to think about the lives of these animals,” said Nancy Pelosi in a press conference this afternoon. “It’s not right that we sit idly by and do nothing while the poor animals suffer.”

Sports analysts across the nation are wondering why the issue with drug-using horses is coming to the forefront of the Legislative Branch while Barry Bonds has failed to be put behind bars.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Susan Boyle to become sixth member of “Pussycat Dolls”


YouTube sensation Susan Boyle—who wowed a shallow and superficial British audience with her stellar rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream”—has concluded talks with pop-burlesque music group The Pussycat Dolls and agreed to become its sixth member. Rumors that the two had been talking had been disregarded as a cruel joke, but Interscope Records spokesperson Wayne Hunter confirmed that the deal had indeed been made.

“Look, let me address the matter directly,” Hunter told reporters this morning. “The Pussycat Dolls have been struggling a bit, and their manager decided to add someone to the troupe who could actually carry a tune. I mean, sex sells, but as we’ve discovered with the scantily-clad quintet, it only sells so much. Eventually, people want to hear music from a music group.”

Boyle has already begun practicing the PCD song lineup, and admits that she feels a touch embarrassed by the lyrical content and suggestive nature of the group’s music, but is getting used to it.

“Honestly, I had sung ‘Buttons’ about six times through before it occurred to me just what ‘loosen up my buttons’ actually meant,” Boyle said. “Oh, how it made me blush! I’ve never been kissed even!”

Some critics have voiced their vehement disapproval of Boyle’s recruitment, saying that the stark contrast between the Englishwoman’s features and those of the other five PCD members is nothing short of a cruel joke.

“It’s no joke,” Hunter reassured the press. “Boyle is beautiful—as much so as any of the other girls in the troupe. Yes, it’s true that we’ve been under considerable pressure from feminist terrori—uh—lobbyist groups as well as those freaks at the Dove Soap campaign to show that big women are attractive, but that’s not why we hired Boyle. The girls needed a singer. Boyle can sing. Get over it.”

Although a fan of Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell described the addition of Boyle to The Pussycat Dolls as “utterly boring.”

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Jackie Chan Asks For Increase In Chinese Government Sponsored Disappearings, Killings


Movie action hero, Jackie Chan, made headlines this week by voicing an approval of the Chinese government’s efforts to control its citizens. This seeming approval is at a stark contrast with the rest of the world who is continually putting pressure on the Chinese government to make its self more transparent and accountable regarding its human rights record. What he said was:

"I'm not sure if it is good to have freedom or not," said Mr. Chan. "I'm really confused now. If you are too free, you are like the way Hong Kong is now. It's very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic."

He then added: "I'm gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we are not being controlled, we'll just do what we want."

Mr. Chan went a little further this morning explaining that the Chinese government is best able to control its population when they are either completely constrained or dead. The real issue, as he sees it, is about control, and it is really easy to control those in graves.

“I mean, what if a Chinese woman could just go buy a cup of tea at will,” said the actor. “Now multiply that by about 500 million and you can see what kind of a situation we would be in. Those crazies in Hong Kong and Taiwan are just buying tea without the fear of death hanging over them. It is quite chaotic.”

“But we don’t have to kill everybody,” continued Chan. “I mean if you just lock several million up in a filth ridden pit of a dungeon, that is a really effective and positive control mechanism as well. As I have said, freedom is downright scary.”

Mr. Chang also used the interview this morning to reveal a new line of weapons he plans to market in the coming year. The weapons are specifically designed kill baby seals and Mr. Chan feels he is filling a current void in the seal-killing industry with his new line.

“You can see these are not your grandfather's clubs,” said Chan. “Now you’ve got better grip with a new synthetic rubber handle. Also, the razor blade spikes on these clubs are dipped in cyanide. It is a very useful tool because the last thing you are going to want is a baby seal just doing whatever it wants.”

Of course there are some limits to control that Mr. Chan thinks are permissible. “If anyone in my family is ever harmed then I will hunt down the killers and destroy them,” said a threatening Chan. “It would be best if we had a film crew and the proper lighting in place when I do.”

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Ahmadinejad to resign over threat of “Clown Invasion”


A visibly shaken Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he would resign from the Iranian Presidency following a mild protest at a UN racism conference in Geneva yesterday. As he ran from the conference hall to his motorcade, the controversial radical leader told pursuing reporters that he would do anything the west asks of him as long as they kept those “evil” clowns away from him and his family.

The normally stubborn Ahmadinejad had a change of heart when student protesters interrupted the beginning of the Iranian President’s speech by shouting unintelligible insults and donning rainbow colored clown wigs. It was at that moment that the embattled Ahmadinejad’s countenance changed. Although he finished his speech, he made a b-line for the door and said he “just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“It’s been a very well kept secret for sometime,” Iranian spokesman Hamid-Reza Asefi said this morning. “Mahmoud is terrified of clowns. Has been all his life. I think most of us agree that clowns are outright disturbing creatures. For our president, though, they literally make him wet his pants at night.”

Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton jokingly called Iran and said that she was planning to send a delegation from Barnum & Bailey to discuss the nation’s nuclear program. She was told by a panicked Ahmadinejad that he would personally dismantle all nuclear facilities and then resign as president if she promised to keep the clowns at bay.

“I honestly wasn’t serious about sending a circus delegation,” Clinton said, “I just wanted to see his reaction. And look at what happened! I think it’s safe to say I’m the greatest Secretary of State that ever lived.”

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice also weighed in on the development, saying she had seen vague signs of the Iranian President’s one weakness in the past.

“At a summit in France back in 06, I was telling Dubya that we may have to send 'those clowns from Europe' to handle negotiations with Iran,” she told the press. “Someone must have overheard me and informed Ahmadinejad, and apparently he soiled himself as the news got to him. At first I thought he was just afraid of the European Foreign Ministers, which—obviously—didn’t make any sense. Now I understand that it was the word clown that got him so worked up. It’s a shame we didn’t pick up on this factoid back then. We’d have kept the GOP in power.”

In other news, the State of Israel canceled their normal order of weapons and ammunition from US manufacturers and instead purchased $1 billion in white makeup and red foam noses from Acme, Inc.

Monday, April 20, 2009

John Madden to replace Michael Steele as GOP chairman

Not even a week into his retirement, hall of famer and former football color commentator John Madden has been approached by high ranking GOP officials regarding chairmanship of the struggling party. With the 2012 elections already at the forefront of nearly every political analyst’s mind, the GOP is hoping to secure Madden as the party’s spokesperson and mascot and restore the party to its former glory.

“Madden will bring a much needed change to the Republicans,” South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said today. “I mean, we put Michael Steele up there to counter Obama and show young voters that we were hip and culturally inclusive—oh, and also because we were so shocked that an African American was in our party. Boy was that guy a mistake. Pro-abortion, anti-gun, and he swears in public. Yeah, we all swear, but even hot-headed McCain knows to keep the profanity in the Congressional chambers.”

Senior GOP members feel that Madden would be less of an obvious attempt—unlike with Steele—to court voters who have disenfranchised themselves from the conservatives. The veteran sports figure is old, loves football and proudly waves the American flag, making him the quintessential GOPer.

“But that’s not the only reason we’re gunning for him to chair the party,” Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said. “His football video game thing is so popular with the young’uns, and if they see that we made him the boss of our little getup here, well they’ll be sure to vote for us!”

Madden has yet to accept the offer, but he did mention some plans for the party should he become its chairperson. For example, he felt that the current nickname “Party of Principle” should be changed to “Party of Boom” and also that they would need a versatile tight end with good hands to open up the field.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Tom Hanks Grows Third Arm for Upcoming Film

Tom Hanks’ publicist verified today what the paparazzi have been hinting at for weeks: The actor has grown a third arm. Speculation has been rampant since TMZ posted a blurry picture of the academy-award-winning actor with one arm around his wife, another arm holding bottled water, and a seeming third arm dialing a cell phone. Since then the actor has kept himself out of sight allowing rumors to swirl and swim until publicist Michelle Benson confirmed the news.

The report was announced on Tom’s official website by Benson and read: “Mr. Hanks has accepted a role in the upcoming film, ‘The Three-Armed Fool on the Hill,’ where he will play an idiot three-armed Congressman from Tennessee. In order to properly represent the part, Mr. Hanks is growing a third arm. Mr. Hanks asks that his dedication to his craft be respected and that recent intrusions into his private life be mitigated.”

Celebrity gossip outlet, US Weekly, has placed a $13 million prize on the first photo to clearly capture Hanks with all three of his upper extremities, and no less than 80 photographers are camping out around the actor’s home.

“This explains the sudden wardrobe consisting of nothing but trench coats,” says entertainment columnist Betty Tucker. “I think the last nine or ten times we have seen him, he has been dressed that way.”

Celebrity gossip photographers also concluded that the upswing in visits from Hanks’ personal trainer must be in order to get his newly acquired arm looking fit and trim for the cameras.

“I am sure growing a third arm is no easy business, even for an actor of Tom’s caliber,” explains gossip journalist, Amber Montevedev. “I bet it is as mentally strenuous as it is physically.”

Persons close to the actor are indicating that Hanks’ is still sore over losing the Oscar for his role in ‘Castaway.’ Co-star, Helen Hunt, said, “Tom really put himself through hell to gain and then lose all that weight for the movie. Nobody could have given more to their role that year than Tom did, and it is unconscionable for the Academy to have given the award to Crowe that year.”

Actress Meg Ryan, who has appeared with Hanks in several films, thinks that the actor needed a role that would be a shoe-in for him.

“Tom wants to act a gig where he knows he’s got the Oscar before he even appears on set,” said Ryan. “It looks like he may have found it and I’ll be so proud of him when he is holding his third Oscar in that third hand.”

Others fear that Hanks may be setting a terrible precedent for the industry.

“Please, for heaven’s sake just use what your mother gave you,” says housewife, Miriam Owens. “You don’t see others out there without their real bodies. You don’t see people with fake noses, breasts, hair, lips, and…and, well. No, I guess a third-arm is the next logical step in the progression, huh? Man! When will they hurry up and get me a picture of this?!”

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

China releases Human Rights plan for 2009-2010


The Chinese Government announced today that it had come to a resolution for its Human Rights agenda for the next two years. Officials in Beijing had been deliberating for months on the extent of rights, dignities and basic liberties it would grant its citizenry, and although many felt that a conclusion would never be reached, it appears that a compromise has been worked out.

“Pressure from outside organizations forced us to spend more time than normal going over our Human Rights agenda,” said Li Fong, a spokesman for the People’s Republic. “Honestly, it’s amazing how much power Amnesty International has over the UN, and even more amazing how much we heed the UN’s psychobabble. But our plan for the next two years should satisfy most and let us go about our way.”

Details of the plan include a 25% reduction in executions (with a provision that this number encompass executions involving non-criminal/surplus citizens). This represents a major victory for Human Rights groups who have been pushing the brutal nation to rid itself of capital punishment for quite some time.

“This is a wonderful victory, to be sure,” said Don Ngyuen, a representative of Amnesty International’s Asian wing. “We hope that in the next five years, we can guarantee the lives of all Chinese criminals—the murderers, the rapists, and especially the trade ministers exporting lead toys to the West.”

The victory for AI was, however, bittersweet, as measures had also been outlined in the agenda to increase the amount of torture victims by 30%. Furthermore, U2’s new CD was banned from all Chinese markets to suppress pop-democracy among the youth, and police were given authority to arrest and indefinitely imprison any citizen referencing the “grass-mud horse.”

“The affront to Bono is the biggest offense here,” said Ngyuen, “but we’ve got a counter-attack. I just got off the phone with Billy Joe from Green Day, and he said he’d start right away on an original and slanderous song against the Chinese government and we… wait… wait, I’m getting a text from Billy. Oh, wow. He’s done composing it. Hm.”

Other notable provisions that reflect a more tolerant stance towards human life include the overhaul of traditional Chinese restaurants to reflect the more palatable, non-disease-ridden Chinese buffets in America and the prohibition of recruiting female Olympic gymnasts within one hour of their delivery.

Monday, April 13, 2009


Check out the picture that goes with this article:


And give us a caption to go with it. The funniest caption will appear on O.H.I.O. next week.

Please note that vulgar captions will not be accepted. Please note further that non-funny captions will not only be unaccepted, but may get you kicked out of the group.

Contest ends 4/20.


Report: VP Biden Greatest Thing Since Thing After Sliced Bread


The American Sliced Bread Organization released a report today stating that Vice President Joe Biden is now third on the chart of things that are great. The ASBO is a philanthropist funded non-profit organization which has been cataloging things in order of greatness using sliced bread as its ultimate benchmark. The ASBO broke tradition by releasing a report in April; the organization usually only releases its report once a year in September. Today’s news of Biden’s meteoric rise up the charts seemed too important to sit on for another five months.

“Well, there is just no questioning it,” says Peter Lithgow, chairman of ASBO. “Every blessed feat the man has achieved puts him right up towards the top.”

Biden’s rise comes on the heals of unverified reports that the former Senator told former President Bush where to stick it while in a private meeting in the Oval Office. While none of Bush’s aids or staff even slightly remember any sort of said conversation taking places, the feat is nonetheless amazing. Other questionable achievements of the current VP include: multiple private meetings with President Bush, being shot at while in Iraq, and having his helicopter forced down by terrorists (weather) over the mountains in Afghanistan.

Even though the VP’s claims are either extravagant hyperbole or unverified claims, the ASBO has no qualms about setting him so high on the list.

“Fist on the list is sliced bread, of course,” says Lithgow. “Then you got the nacho cheese dispenser. The newcomer Joe Biden comes in third, and fourth is Pokémon.”

Biden leap-frogged other notables on the list such as ‘Mike Tyson’s Punchout’ and the safety pin. Many outside of the organization feel like the ASBO has taken too much for granted by placing Biden so high on the list.

“Really, you are going to tell me that Biden is greater than the self-heating ice cream scoop?” says Wisconsin resident, Archie Severson. “I mean the thing heats up all by its lonesome.”

Biden held a short press- conference after the report was released in order to add more self-aggrandizing events to his repertoire.

“Yeah I’m pretty great, as you can see,” the VP began. “Dude, I remember this one summer we grew tomatoes and Delaware hosted the state fair at my place because my tomatoes were so great. Also once I kicked Paul Bunyan right in his nuts and then challenged his ox to a grass eating contest. HA! I ate Babe under the table in about 48 hours.”

When asked how long it would take for Biden to claim the number one spot on the list the VP said, “Well, you have to give props where it is due. When I invented the nacho cheese dispenser I knew it would also be great and I don’t mind taking a back seat to it.”

President Obama twittered in response to the ASBO report that “Biden is the greatest idiot VP since the last idiot VP in office, hands down.”

Friday, April 10, 2009

Student publication incurs wrath of God, College Republicans


The LDS church and Brigham Young University are working hard to do some damage control on an innocent—yet horribly blasphemous—mistake that was printed in a recent edition of the Daily Universe, BYU’s student-run news publication. A copyeditor for the newspaper accidentally referred the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (one of the highest governing bodies of the church) as the Quorum of the Twelve Apostates.

Molly Mooreman (name changed in accordance with Utah Witness Protection Program guidelines), the student who made the gaffe, told reporters that she first tried to blame the error on hackers from the University of Utah. “They’re so ungodly anyway,” Mooreman said, “and I thought it would be an easy sell. But then I remembered the Honor Code and I confessed. It was such a terrible goof on my part.”

Although BYU was able to recover most of the printed copies, it was impossible to contain the mess and word spread like wildfire that the Lord’s University had flagrantly accused the Twelve of renouncing their faith. Chairman of BYU’s Communications Department, Brad Rawlins, said that new measures were being taken to ensure that mistakes like this will never happen again.

“Quite frankly, I’m amazed that this happened in the first place,” Rawlins said. “I mean, the Daily Universe has more oversight than China’s government-run media, and we censor just as much material as they do on a daily basis. So, the first thing we’re doing is replacing the words ‘Twelve Apostles’ with ‘Lord’s Anointed.’ At worst, the only spelling error we’ll get here is ‘Lord’s Annotated.’ Plus, we’ll be borrowing 50% of our text from other Church publications that have already printed, like Ensign and Friend.”

BYU spokesperson Carri Jenkins said that although the mistake was met with laughter and understanding from the highest authorities in the Church, punishments would still be handed out to prevent a repetition in the future.

“I don’t have the exact details,” Jenkins told the press, “but it looks like President Monson will be relegating Brad Rawlins to an eternal calling in the Nursery, and may have to be ward chorister as well.”

BYU’s College Republicans are also making themselves heard, asking for stronger punishments against the “liberal media.”

“We’ve known for quite some time that the Daily Universe was part of the evil liberal media cartel,” said Nephi Osmond, an active member of the BYUCR. “And this slander against our most holy leaders is proof. It’s just like Ann Coulter warned us: the Daily Universe and all its liberal editors are just plain godless.”

Osmond did admit, however, that the publication's gross error was doing good things for the free market economy, as rogue copies of the misprint are being sold for hundreds on eBay.

Fears that this mistake would lead to the demise of the newspaper in an already suffering print media industry were quickly assuaged when it was discovered that the error made the Daily Universe a nationally recognized publication for the first time since… ever.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

IOC catches city of Chicago using banned substance

In the midst of its vetting process to determine the host city for the 2016 Summer Games, the International Olympic Committee announced Wednesday that it has caught one of the leading contenders, the U.S. city of Chicago, using a banned substance. The incident will likely preclude the Windy City from being selected, leaving only three finalists left: Tokyo, Madrid and Rio de Janeiro.

IOC officials were conducting routine inspections of the metropolis when it was discovered that Chicago was not only in possession of unnatural growth-assisting agents, but was proactively using said agents. Immediate action was taken and the city was placed on a probationary status and will remain so until a full investigation can be undertaken.

“This is disappointing for all of us,” IOC President Jacques Rogge told the press, “especially since President Obama had sent me several emails via his Blackberry assuring me of Chicago’s integrity. I should have known better, considering the scum he vouched for in his cabinet.”

Rogge explained that banned growth substance in question was not a drug, but rather a chunk of U.S. federal stimulus money which had been personally earmarked by Illinois congressional members—under encouragement from President Obama—to beef up Chicago’s economy. Many are questioning the validity of economic provisions falling under the IOC’s “banned substances” category, but Rogge remained adamant it qualifies.

“The whole idea of banning growth-agents is that it gives athletes an unfair, unnatural advantage in competition,” Rogge said. “In this case, the city of Chicago received monies in order to bulk it up in competition to other municipalities. These funds were not naturally generated in Chicago, and are therefore considered outside substances. This is clearly a form of steroids.”

White House staff said that the president was extremely frustrated with this ruling, but is trying to stay positive and find ways to fight the IOC. He is planning on recording a new YouTube video to send to Jacques Rogge et al, this time with the help of Hollywood insider turned political staff member Kal Penn.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

President Obama Spends Entire Trans-Atlantic Flight Home in Air Force One Bathroom

Ending an eight-day trip to Europe, the President used some down time aboard Air Force One to recuperate from the effects of a week’s worth of foreign food. The culinary end of the trip started out in London where the President was subjugated to all manner of English delicacies unfit for human consumption. The kidney pie, in particular, made it difficult for the President to put much faith in anything else the Europeans tried to get him to eat.

White House spokesman, Devon Harrington, who accompanied the President on the trip, has been trying to prep the President for a speech he is to deliver upon arrival in the US but says the President is in severe need of his privacy for the moment.

“I think the blood sausage the President ate in Germany put a serious damper on a planned tirade against North Korea,” said Harrington. “The President was going to embark into a 45 minute speech after they launched their missile but decided a simple sound bite would suffice instead.”

French officials said the President vocally complained during dinner in their country.

“Oh, my English is not so good, huh?” said Oscar Deveraux, Secretary of French Internal Affairs. “But I heard him, plain as could be. He said ‘what’s the bloody deal with all these brussel sprouts.’ What, did he think we were going to heap french fries in his lap?”

The President did seem to enjoy France’s crème brulee but he seemed to have overstepped his bounds. The President stopped mid-sentence during an explanation of US/European agrarian agreements and pointed out that he did not know there was such a thing as too much crème brulee.

Harrington explained that on the fourth night of the trip the President sent him out for some peanut butter.

“I couldn’t find any peanut butter anywhere. All I could find was hazelnut spread. I ended up bringing back liver paste and rye bread after which the President physically assaulted me. I tried to assure him that it wasn’t that bad but after trying it I had to physically assault myself too.”

Near the end of the trip the President spoke with Irish foreign ministers and expressed his heartfelt sadness about the potato famine all those years ago. But then the President said the Irish could suffer an eternal red cabbage famine for all he cared and he would never change his opinion about it.

As the President boarded Air Force One this morning he thanked Europe for being such a grateful host. He then added: “I look forward to strengthening our relationships as we move towards the future. Maybe we could talk about it again some time over some pizza or something. Only I’ll bring the pizza because you guys have, like, corn and tuna fish on yours.”

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Jack Bauer to interrogate, torture Apennine fault lines

The tragic loss of life caused by the horrific earthquake that rattled central Italy on Monday has many asking, “Why?” Geologists and seismologists have been trying to answer this question for decades, and although they have made huge strides in understanding earthquakes and the behavior of fault lines, they have yet to discover any way to predict when seismic activity of such a destructive degree will occur. But after the devastation at L’Aquila, scientists and politicians were motivated to revamp their approach.

“We cannot allow such unpredictability to keep our citizens living in fear,” seismologist Giorgio Carrone announced at a press conference in Rome. “Therefore, we will be making a break from traditional scientific avenues and instead enlist the talents of Jack Bauer, the rogue American agent known for getting results.”

The Italian government has agreed to turn a blind eye to the methods that Jack Bauer will undoubtedly employ while “conversing” with the aggressive fault lines. Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said that he had always been against torture and had never seen any need to break from Geneva Convention protocol when dealing with a belligerent enemy, but he admitted that there also comes a time when rules must be broken.

“We need decisive action,” Berlusconi said. “I have seen how Bauer works. His techniques are atrocious—but they get the job done. A few years back, when Bush was still in office, he gave me seasons 1-6 of 24, and although I thought it was a terrible gift at first, I got hooked after I chose to watch season 1 instead of listening to a message from the Vatican. Bauer was amazing. And although I didn’t approve of how he treated his prisoners, I always felt that I might be able to call upon his services if Italy was ever in a pickle.”

Italy has empowered Bauer to do whatever it takes to extract information about future earthquakes in the region. It is hoped that the ex-CTU agent will be able to provide scientists with the exact dates for the next 25-50 years’ worth of seismic activity.

The government’s move has not come without resistance, however. Members from Italy’s chapter of Amnesty International have rallied to defend the rights of the Apennine faults, saying that both UN security and lawyers must be present during any interrogation procedures.

“We cannot allow this lawless torture to fall upon the Apennines,” said protester Vincente Domingo. “Not only is this an affront to acceptable human interaction with nature, it is likely to give us both faulty or inaccurate information as well as enrage the already irate fault lines and cause further destruction.”

It has been reported that Bauer is already making his way to the fault lines in his own manner, having knocked out customs agents at the Leonardo da Vinci - Fiumicino Airport and making his way on foot to the Apennine mountains.

“I had just stopped him for a routine customs check,” a wobbly customs agent told reporters. “And then he yelled, ‘Dammit, there’s no time!’ and karate chopped me in the neck.”

Bauer is expected to remain underground for the next hour or so until getting himself stuck and calling Chloe O’Brien for assistance.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Queen receives counseling after being “touched” by First Lady


Queen Elizabeth II is receiving psychiatric help after becoming a victim of what experts are calling “monarchial molestation.” The horrific incident occurred last week when the wife of the American President, Michelle Obama, unwittingly touched the small of the Queen’s back. Although the Queen did not seem to react initially to the violation of personal space, the psychological effects of being touched by “peasant hands” caused her to have a series of problems only days later.

Servants at Buckingham Palace found the Queen early Saturday morning on her bed, but things were noticeably different than normal. She was naked, curled up in the fetal position and there were distinct open sores on her back. On the floor were several bloodstained washcloths and the remains of about twenty bars of British-made Bronnley soap. One servant said he unmistakably heard the monarch murmuring, “Dirty… so dirty…”

“It was a horrific site,” said Beatrice Mosley, head of the Queen’s personal staff. “Many of us feared that she was on the brink of death.”

Staffers immediately called Scotland Yard and the Department of Health. Dr. Geoffrey Bates, a top mental health expert at the DH, was the first to arrive, and knew right away what had befallen the traumatized Queen.

“I had seen these symptoms before, albeit not to this degree,” Dr. Bates told the press. “This is monarchial molestation, or the act of non-royal blood touching royalty without solicitation. Frankly, I am furious that Buckingham officials did not call me at the moment the incident occurred. We could have prevented the Queen’s current condition had we known.”

Having been removed from the constitutional monarchy for nearly 240 years, many American citizens fail to remember that British Royalty see themselves as pure, divinely appointed figures. As such, it is emotionally and mentally disturbing for anyone from the vulgar masses to lay a finger on them. In British history, royal figures have gone to extremes such as dismemberment, bathing in acid and drinking unfiltered water from the Thames to rid themselves of the perceived filth with which they have been infected.

Video from the Obama’s visit to Buckingham show that Queen Elizabeth and Michelle Obama were enjoying a pleasant conversation, during the course of which the royal mother placed her hand on Mrs. Obama’s back. The near-fatal move happened as Mrs. Obama, following a natural reaction, returned the gesture and touched the Queen.

“I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to touch her,” Michelle Obama said through tears. “I feel terrible for putting her through this episode. I only wanted to show my affection.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown says he has enacted a plan to have the Queen appear in an upcoming Hollywood production. This would turn the Queen into a silver screen celebrity, a class of people that the “average American venerates and respects above all others,” according to Brown, thus affording the monarch protection from Yankee contact.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Abject Failure of Capitalism Traced to Invention of ‘Squeeze Bacon’


Anti-capitalist protesters outside the G-20 in London this week fought with police in the streets as they used loudspeakers to discredit capitalist world leaders and economies across the globe. The rally takes place in the face of global leaders who for many years have been pulling at the threads of capitalism and undermining the economic systems of the industrial revolution and the most prosperous nations on the globe.

The current downturn of the world’s economy comes at a time when many across the globe think that capitalism is broken and should be replaced with more rigid socio-economic programs in order to right the ship. The current ill-will of the world’s attitude towards capitalism seems to coincide with the invention of “Squeeze Bacon.” Though the product its self has been around since around WWII, its recent global march has caused panic, amazement, and sheer terror across the world’s capitalist populations.

Protester, Mary Abbot, said that she was raised on the benefits of the capitalistic system but has since left the fold.

“I saw an advert for Squeeze Bacon about six months ago,” says Abbot, “and in that instant I gave up both capitalism and meat. By their fruits shall ye know them. Any economic system that develops squeezable bacon is clearly in tatters. How could it have come to this?”

Bertrand Duluth is also an anti-capitalist protester taking part in the week’s activities. Duluth says that about 85% of those at the rally can pinpoint their falling out with capitalism to Squeeze Bacon.

“I don’t really like to talk about it,” says Duluth. “It puts me in a very uncomfortable place. I am here to spare future generations the despicable horror of the fruits of capitalism. I mean, come on.”

While many here have their own testimonials about their confrontations with Squeeze Bacon, others say they abandoned capitalism long ago.

Terry Patrick, of Atlanta, says he lost his appetite for capitalism when the Noid starred in his own video game back in the 90’s.

“Once commercials become video games you know you have to get out,” says Patrick. "It’s the same with 7-Up’s Spot. He had one too. You only need to open a ‘Sky Mall’ magazine to understand the ridiculousness of capitalism. Can we please move on now?”

The Squeeze Bacon camp has not been able to find a suitable defense spokesman as all who apply for the position are extremely fat and hideous.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

President Obama Spouts Heavy Southpaw Rhetoric at G-20 Summit

The much anticipated G-20 summit got off to an unexpected start as President Obama began to push an unanticipated agenda among world leaders. The dire situation of the global economy, the current concerns over global warming, and developing worries about nuclear proliferation all took a back seat to the President’s heavy handed, almost militant, approach to absolving the problems facing the worlds left-handers.

Obama kept his early appointments with Russian and Chinese officials but immediately ruffled feathers when he refused to shake the right hands of foreign dignitaries and instead waited until he was offered the left hand. Chinese President, Hu Jintao’s, brow was clearly furled during the handshake causing a flurry of camera flashes to light up the hallways of Buckingham palace.

President Obama’s staff issued a short memo to the Russian and Chinese delegations before their scheduled meetings which read: “A new world order is at hand (the left hand to be exact). The previous stifling oppression of the ‘righties’ will now come to naught as I and I alone lead this world to a left-handed conquest. I expect the full cooperation of your heads of state as we begin this summit.”

Russian President, Dmitry Medvedev, kept trying to turn the conversation away from President Obama’s incessant left-handed tirade once the parties finally sat down for discussions, but to little avail. This became most apparent when the Russian President brought up the subject of Georgia:

“So, what about Georgia then?” asked Medvedev. “We did some crazy stuff down in Georgia a few months back, no?”

“We are currently supplying Georgia with a left-handed arsenal," replied Obama, “You will be defeated within weeks.”

“Okay… well, do you have any thoughts about, like, nuclear weapons limitations or something?” asked Medvedev.

To which Obama responded, “Yeah, here is a thought. We make all our nukes with the left hand now and they are superior to your right-handed, fire cracker nukes in every way.”

At this point Medvedev turned to his secretary and whispered in Russian, “Let’s get as much of our best vodka into this man as soon as possible.”

Wind of the new direction the US President is trying to lead the world reached German Chancellor, Angel Merkel, before her scheduled sit-down with the President. Merkel is prepared to hammer out her undisguised right-handed agenda with Obama and says she will not take any guff from the newly elected leader even if it means dragging Michelle Obama (who is clearly right-handed) into the fray.

“Yeah, the President requested only left-handed notepads be available at our meeting,” said a clearly agitated Merkel. “Well this is Germany you’re dealing with my friends! We wrote the book on non-sensical political profiling. He and his left-handed economic stimulus will dart out of here with his tail between his legs, you’ll see.”

No word yet on whether pro-left hand protests in London were assembled upon the President’s request.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

G-20 Protests turn out to be organized April Fool’s joke


London police breathed a sigh of relief yesterday. After weeks of preparing for what was expected to be a violent outbreak of protests surrounding the G-20 Summit, security forces learned early on that the protesters were merely a large group of organized pranksters hoping to get some air time on the news and possibly get more hits on their YouTube channel.

“We had basically been training for minor urban warfare,” London Police Chief Nigel Whitaker told reporters. “But when we arrived at the first outbreak just outside of the Bank of England, we saw that most signs had messages like ‘CAPITALISM ISN’T WORKING’ or displayed those anarchy ‘A’ symbols. That’s when we knew it was a joke. I mean, we haven’t been using capitalism for nearly a century, so there’s no way these folks were actually protesting capitalism.”

The protesters/pranksters did indeed seem to be mocking the fact that European leaders have been meeting behind closed doors for decades in attempts to manipulate economics and markets through legislation, regulation and intervention—all the while claiming to advocate a free market system. The citizens, it would seem, have not been fooled.

“Oh please,” scoffed Edmund Harris, who headed one of the larger protest groups, “we know we’ve got full-fledged socialism here. That’s why all this anti-Capitalism junk is so funny. And we were thrilled to see that news of our little demonstration caused the police to come out of the wood works, dressed in full riot gear and looking like they were ready to crush its citizens. How’s that for a big brother state, eh? Yeah, we all had a good laugh with them about it. They sure were scared!”

A few of the protesters, however, were under the impression that there was actually going to be a revolution of some sort, and were quite miffed when the whole thing turned out to be an April Fool’s prank.

“A couple of us watched ‘V for Vendetta’ and ‘Equilibrium’ last night to prepare ourselves for an epic battle against the state,” a disappointed Norman Peck revealed. “We even went out and bought those Guy Fawkes masks to look the part. Now everyone—protester and policeman alike—is hanging out at Finnegan’s and drinking Guinness. What a waste.”

Leaders at the G-20 summit were informed that the anticipated violence turned out to be pure chicanery. None of the heads of state seemed to care about the information.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Deal Reached on Contract for 2009 Hurricane Season

The National Weather Service announced this morning that a contract for the 2009 hurricane season has been reached with the Atlantic Ocean. The deal comes after months of negotiations following the conclusion of the 2008 season and endless haggling over the United State’s economic capability of handling a devastating season. With a contract now in place for 2009, the NWS can now focus on taking some of the guesswork out of the intangibles of the deal.

The contract gives the Atlantic Ocean the right to generate 19 tropical storms/hurricanes from its waters, up two from 2008. Of these 19 storms only 5 are allowed to make landfall over US soil, down one from last year. Contract negotiations worked out a lower landfall total for the US but gave the Atlantic Ocean discretion over the intensity of the storms that reach land.

“Our job now is to figure out how the Atlantic is going to play its hand,” said Judd Pendergrast, of the National Weathers Service’s Miami office. “We certainly know that it likes to play ball in Florida but we need to game plan other areas of the US as well. Also, the contract extends the 2009 season by a week over last year which changes the dynamic we operate under.”

The NWS took over hurricane negotiations after the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration opened the doors for the Atlantic to unleash hurricane Katrina in 2005. While the NOAA has maintained that negotiating with the Atlantic Ocean is not an exact science, it also concedes that their 2005 contract should not have included “levee buster” incentives for the Atlantic that year.

Much of this year’s negotiations hinged on the United State’s ability to financially withstand a devastating season and the Obama administration made the Atlantic perfectly clear that devastation would not be permissible in blue-states. Florida, a former red-state turned blue went a long way towards securing the Presidency for Obama and the President has used his clout to negotiate favorable terms for the Sunshine State this year.

Merman King Triton has been the Atlantic Ocean’s representative for these talks and he admits that he has not of yet been fully able to feel out the President.

“Yeah, I am not sure how hard I can push this time,” said Triton. “I mean, I know the man can walk on water and that doesn’t bode well for our side. It might not be a good idea to test him just yet. But we have serious plans to relocate San Padre Island to Nebraska and I plan on seeing that through. It’s just a process, that’s all.”

Monday, March 30, 2009

GM to be bought out by East German auto manufacturer

After a long string of difficulties and embarrassments, departing General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner announced that the struggling auto company has no choice but to sell the Detroit-born firm to East German auto maker HQM Sachsenring. Despite hefty bailouts, management changes, and even belittling commercials starring ex-football star Howie Long, GM just wasn’t able to make themselves profitable enough to keep the business running, and it was only a matter of time before someone showed up with the right purchase price.

“I don’t know what more I can tell you about it,” a frustrated Rick Wagoner told media personnel. “We ran out of bailout money rather quickly by investing almost all of it into researching the profitability of adding wood paneling to the Silverado. That didn’t pan out like we hoped. So we’re broke, and HQM offered to buy the business, and get this mess off of our hands. And thank heavens they came when they did. I can’t handle Congress calling me names anymore.”

HQM Sachsenring (formerly VEB Sachsenring), is most famous for manufacturing the now iconic Trabant during the 60’s in communist East Germany. The car was largely considered a joke by western standards, although the vehicle has seen a surge in popularity in the last few years as Soviet-era symbols have become trendy for younger consumers who like to use capitalism to show their disdain for capitalism.

“This is a very exciting time for us,” said Volker Hess, spokesman for HQM Sachsenring. “The cult-like following our Trabant has gained along with poor economic conditions in Detroit has poised us for unprecedented success in the global market.”

Many critics are saying that the purchase by a foreign company is only delaying the inevitable, and that it will do nothing to help the Detroit industry to stay afloat.

“I wholeheartedly disagree with this sentiment,” Hess said in response to the criticisms. “We are the perfect company to lead Detroit out of this situation. First of all, we have decades of proven success operating under an autocratic regime. This makes us ideal for running GM under the Obama administration. And secondly, we are used to living in some of the ugliest industrialized cities on the planet. In many ways, Detroit’s ugliness parallels that of our former communist metropolises, so we’ll feel right at home in the motor city.”

The full takeover of GM’s assets is set to occur in June.