Friday, February 13, 2009

Octuplet Mother short on cash; consults local “cat-lady”

Despite receiving close to $2400 a month in government welfare, famed octuplet mother Nadya Suleman finds herself scraping the bottom of the barrel for enough cash to support her 14 children. With no job and a hefty student loan repayment looming over her head, Suleman is beginning to wonder how she’ll be able to provide for her litter.

“We’re just getting very thin on supplies,” a teary-eyed Suleman said. “I know I would probably be able to cover the cost of food with the government subsidies I get every month, but I’ve set that money aside for my next in-vitro fertilization—do you have any idea how expensive that procedure is? Anyway, having more babies in the future is more important than feeding the ones I have now, so I can’t use the government money on petty food. But still… I need help!”

Help is on the way, but it won’t be coming fast enough to put food in the gaping mouths of the Suleman brood. Even with a pending book deal that will undoubtedly be promoted by Oprah, Suleman just doesn’t know how to make ends meet for these next few difficult months.

Until now.

After learning of the dire situation of her neighbor, Blanch Tannenbaum—a 70-year-old widow living on the same street who supports 342 cats off of her social security checks—stopped by and offered her advice.

“Ms. Suleman and I share a couple of things,” Tannenbaum said. “We both love having little cuddly things around, and we are both loathed by the local and national community. So I just had to come by and show her a thing or two.”

Suleman was extremely grateful for the advice. Among other things, she learned that one can save a good chunk of money by neglecting housework, wallowing in filth, never changing or washing clothes, allowing bugs to invade the property (bugs are an excellent source of natural protein, and babies often eat them out of instinct), and letting the other cats—or in her case, children—kill each other off in fits of hunger to control both population and budget.

“It will be a bit of an adjustment, but I know I can do it,” Suleman said, smiling. “It will allow me and the kids to live until mommy can afford to put more babies inside her.”

In related news, NSA officials—who have been unable to produce any intelligence in regards to actual threats against the United States—intercepted a communication from Hollywood indicating that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be planning a raid on the Suleman home to nab a child for their own collection.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

N. Korea Upset with US over SI Swimsuit Issue

North Korea today threatened to back out of scheduled talks between the United States and four other nations next week because of Sport Illustrated’s newly released swimsuit issue. Moscow has agreed to host a round of talks with the belligerent North Koreans to iron out several issues ranging from human rights to nuclear arms. The upcoming meetings have been rocked by what North Korean officials describe as an American instigated scandal.

“I thought we had an agreement,” exclaimed Ri Su Bok when asked about the situation. “The United States was supposed get one of our girls on the cover of that magazine. The only reason we agreed to talks was because she was supposed to be on the cover!”

The swimsuit issue did not show a North Korean on the cover of its most popular issue, instead a bikini-clad Bar Refaeli of Israel was found standing provocatively in front of the ocean. Mr. Bok explained that he even sent over the photo to be used, the only thing the US had to do was get the magazine to put it on the cover.

Benjamine Rosco, a member of the US delegation scheduled to meet with N. Korea in Moscow, made him self available for comment on the situation shortly after the news was made public. Rosco explained that the photo was presented by the N. Koreans as a suggestion rather than a demand.

“Oh, yeah; we got the photo," Rosco admitted. “It was of a tiny little girl wearing some tattered grey clothes and standing in front of grey abandoned warehouses. I mean the girl did not even have on a swimsuit.”

Despite the look of the photo, Rosco says he still got in touch with the magazine to get the girl on the front page. Rosco explained to the magazine that this favor to N. Korea could help the US out in the upcoming round of talks. When Rosco asked who was currently being fit for the cover he didn’t press the issue any further.

The failed PR stunt has now put the N. Koreans on the offensive and have threatened to postpone or even cancel the meetings all together.

“They didn’t include the photo at all,” said Bok. “It wasn’t even in the magazine! North Korea is sexy and one day our nuclear weapons will force you to believe it!”

Russian officials did not seem too distraught over the prospect of failed talks. “Russia has always been well represented in your swimming suit magazines,” said Russian statesman, Yuri Povlovic. “That is part of the reason we play along with your silly games of conquest. It would be greater tragedy for world not to have Ms. Refaeli on the cover.”

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Childs Nose Explodes : Puffs rethinking product

Daniel Evans's nose burst yesterday morning during the math section of his second grade class. He had walked up to get a tissue, proceeded to blow, and released a mushroom cloud of mucus.

"I was at the chalkboard reviewing the Sigmatic theorem," stated Clarice Richards, his second grade teacher. "Then I heard a loud pop, and saw Daniel fall on his back, snot all over his face, and a dry tissue floating downward."

Evans was taken to Mercy Hospital where they sewed his nose back together. He is in stable condition.

Dr. Hendley from the University of Virginia, stated that the "nose blowing generated enormous pressure — equivalent to a person's diastolic blood pressure—and propels mucus into the sinuses every time."

" This study has been shown again and again to the right people, and the only thing we have seen done about it is in government forms of torture and I'm told will be used in an upcoming 24 episode," Hendley said.

Procter and Gamble's brand Puff's has already been developing a new product line after finding similar results in their tests.

“After two mice and mongoose's eyes popped out during their animal testing we knew we needed to move in a different direction," said Michael Doghndry, lab manager of Puffs. "We have a prototype that we simply call 'the drainer' but that is all I can say."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sarkozy approves bailout of French auto industry; total package exceeds worth of auto-makers exponentially

With the global economy on the decline, French President Nicolas Sarkozy approved the dispersal of bailout funds to the nation’s two largest automobile manufacturers: Renault and PSA Peugeot Citroen. Although many expected such a bailout to come, most are shocked at the whopping €6.5 billion being given to these companies. The total value of the companies combined only comes to about €1.3 million.

“We were flabbergasted,” said Carlos Ghosn, CEO of Renault, “because we thought we would only be getting a nudge. I don’t think Sarkozy realized how cheap our crappy little coupes really are!”

Ghosn explained that a standard Renault two-door, 3-cylindar vehicle might cost only €503 to manufacture, and that the true market value for the sale of the vehicle may get as high as double the cost. “That would be on a good day,” said Ghosn. “More often than not, car buyers are smart and know that no one in his right mind would pay full price for a Renault. “

The bailout does come with some strings attached. Sarkozy is mandating that the two manufacturers use a good chunk of the money to develop clean technology, including alternative energy engines, hybrids and other electrical motors.

“This is where things will get really tricky,” stammers Christian Streiff, CEO of PSA Peugeot Citroen. “I mean… our cars are built with so little that the engine already gets something like 3-4 months to the gallon. That’s the only thing that entices people to buy these lemons in the first place! How can you get any greener than that? We’ve been able to be environmentally friendly by being cheapskates. Now Sarkozy wants us to be environmentally friendlier by shelling out loads of money? I see disaster ahead.”

The automobile companies must quickly find out how to use the funds or else they will lose a good portion of the promised total. Ghosn stated that one of the first targets of the bailout money will be the union workers. He plans to give them triple their salaries this year.

“It’s mostly just to shut them up,” Ghosn said. “And what do I care, it’s free money, right? Ever heard a French protest? Our language does not lend itself to expressing anger very well, so the whole thing just sounds like a chorus of whiney felines. Silencing that is worth millions to me.”

Streiff had other ideas for his cut of the money. Number one on his agenda: buy a heap of shares in Toyota, Honda and Hyundai.

“Let’s be realistic for a moment,” said Streiff, wiping sweat from his forehead. “European and American cars aren’t going to make it through the winter. I’m hightailing it outta here. Sarkozy wants 6% interest on this ‘bailout’, and the ONLY way we can pay that back is to give the money to the Japanese and Koreans and let them do what they do best.”

Sarkozy is hopeful that the bailout will return France to its former Napoleonic glory.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Obama gets goose-egg from Marine One, decommissions helicopter

President Obama put the finishing blow on the presidential helicopter this morning after a long series of altercations between the two. The quarrel escalated to a full-fledged fist fight after Marine One lowered its door frame to bump President Obama on the head, giving him a goose-egg.

“We saw this coming,” says Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The two had been taunting each other for weeks. It was just a matter of time before one lashed out physically at the other.”

After being hit in the head, Obama smiled towards the Indiana crowd, sat down in his seat, and began a series of jabs and hooks on the body of the helicopter. The President was able to subdue his antagonist almost immediately.

“I was really impressed with the President’s fight skills,” comments Marine Major Sean Quigley, who was piloting Marine One. “I definitely wouldn’t want to take a body-hook from him.”

The Obama administration has a zero-tolerance policy for disrespect towards the President, and swift action is always taken against those who violate this policy.

“We don’t allow the media to say anything negative about Obama,” Gibbs explains, “so why on earth would we allow some ruddy helicopter to do something like that and get away with it? It just doesn’t work that way.”

After returning from his trip to Indiana, Obama ordered the immediate decommission of Marine One, and emphasized that the scraps from the helicopter be sold to Detroit.

“There’s no greater insult I can think of for this vehicle,” the President says, “than to have it torn apart and made into a Ford sedan or Chevy hybrid.”

Local boy sets Guitar Hero high score, lands record contract

When Danny Johnson of Grapevine, Texas first picked up the plastic Gibson guitar custom made for the hit video game Guitar Hero, he was simply looking to have a good time. Little did he realize that his hours spent vegging in front of the tv would turn into fame, glory and a fat contract worth millions.

Danny was able to set the bar for the most amount of points ever scored on Guitar Hero by flawlessly executing every prescribed note on the game’s most difficult song, Through the Fire and Flames. At first, Danny was content just to brag to his friends about the score, but when the Guiness Book of World Records discovered Danny’s achievement, news of the boy’s talent spread like wildfire.

“I got a call from Seymour Steins, who I guess is like some Vice President or something of a music company,” says Danny. “He said he’d like to offer me a record contract because of my skills on Guitar Hero. I was like, ‘Okay dude, whatever, as long as I get to play video games.’”

Seymour Steins is the Vice President of Warner Music Group, and has a knack for recognizing non-musical talent and turning it into record sales. When he learned of Danny’s high score on the track from DragonForce—a band signed under one of WMG’s affiliate groups—he knew he had something special.

“Think about it—how many people do you know that DON’T like guitar hero? How many people do you know that have bemoaned the difficulty of Through the Fire and Flames? How many people do you know that AREN’T ridiculously impressed by someone who can pass ANY song on expert? This kid’s got talent. Granted, it isn’t any real musical talent, but it’s talent nonetheless. I’ve sold people on bands with much less than that.”

Other musicians are also impressed with Danny’s feats. Herman Li, guitarist and co-composer of the song Through the Fire and Flames, was floored when he saw the video of Danny breaking the record.

“This guy is wonderfur. I can hardrey pray dis song myserf, and I wrote dis song! He definitery has rear tarent. I wish I had tarent…”

Steins was able to negotiate a 5-year contract with Danny that includes $5 million in guaranteed payments, $10 million in bonuses, and a soul-ownership clause that will ensure that the teen will be unable to use the toilet without the consent of WGM.

“Yeah, it seems kinda strict,” Danny says, shrugging, “but I talked to legends like MC Hammer and Vince Neil, and they say this is just how the business works. So I was like, okay.”

Danny is slated to win a Grammy sometime next year.