Friday, February 27, 2009

Yanni charged with conspiracy to commit terrorism

Greek-born new age musician Yanni has been arrested after authorities discovered documentation in his Santorini villa revealing a scheme targeting US officials.

Yanni’s plot included plans to use his music to lull high-ranking members of the US government into a coma-like sleep, whereupon he would steal the “football” and sell it to the highest bidder on the black market.

“I didn’t think they would have ever suspected me,” an emotionless Yanni told reporters as he was led to a detention center. “My hair is just too nice. It’s clean, and it shines brilliantly against the Mediterranean sun. I use Pantene for crying out loud. How many terrorists do you know that use Pantene? There’s not a soul in all of Iran whose hair has as much body or sheen as mine.”

More on this as it develops.

Green Party wants guns evicted from Swiss homes

The Swiss are internationally sterotyped for only a few things: strong banks, pig-tailed Alpine maidens, watches, pocket-knives etc. But now, one of the most distinguishing features of Swiss culture is about to be sacked: the storage of fully-automatic military grade assault rifles in private residences.

Josef Lang, a leading figure in Switzerland’s most annoying political faction, the Green Party, says that firearms in the home are one of the greatest threats to peaceful family living. As such, he is proposing legislature that would prohibit the safe-keeping of military rifles for the militia and storing them instead at military installations throughout the nation.

“These firearms are responsible for numerous incidents of manslaughter and homicide every year,” Lang said on Friday. “These weapons are unpredictable and volatile, and are making our homes unsafe.”

Indeed, many citizens are complaining about the issues that arrive with having their rifle at home with them. “They just aren’t very good guests,” Martin Kleiner says. “I often come home from work only to see my rifle rooting through my fridge and drinking all my beer. I tried to stop him once and he shot me, so of course I just let him carry on nowadays.”

“My rifle is constantly changing the channel when I watch TV,” says Gerd Wegemann. “Of course I hate it, but it’s an assault rifle! What do you say to an assault rifle? My wife made the mistake of yelling, ‘could you just leave it on one station for FIVE seconds?’ and of course he shot her dead right there. He’s a nuisance for sure, but we can’t do anything about it.”

Many Swiss tell stories about how they simply walk in the door and catch a bullet in the face, or that they find the firearms in bed with their wives. Even those who are for the storage of these weapons at home admit that the state-issued rifles are just plain ill-tempered.

“Yeah, I love my gun,” Bjorn Schaffner reveals, “but I understand where folks like the Green Party are coming from. It’s like owning a pet chimpanzee or pit-bull or whatever. You just have to know how to deal with its violent nature. Guns hate you. They want to kill you. That’s what they’re built for. So you know, I understand you might not like that, but hey, just deal with it!”

A reporter from CNN tried to get a statement from one of the assault rifles but was promptly shot.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

New Budget Plan Appropriates Money to Dog Fighting Rings

President Obama unveiled a new $3.5 trillion dollar federal budget on Thursday which appropriates billions of dollars over thousands of government projects. In addition to health care reform, education, infrastructure development, and renewable energy initiatives, the budget allocates $58.6 billion to rural economic sustainability. Dog-fighting grants are specifically mentioned in this rural initiative.

“In several meetings the President has suggested we be creative,” said Peter Orszag, Director of the Office of Management and Budget. “In order to drive the sustainability of the rural United States we’ll need to allow citizens the means to organize dog-fights.”

In related news announced today, former NFL superstar Michael Vick, who has been serving a prison sentence for bankrolling a dog-fighting operation in Virginia, will be moved to house arrest for the final months of his sentence. The timing of Vick’s departure from federal prison and the announcement of federal dog-fighting funds becoming available do not strike many as coincidence. The federal government may realize the useful role Vick can play in making this new feature of the budget a success.

Vick’s lawyers refused to comment directly about the situation but did indicate that it was not very difficult to read between the lines on this matter. Billy Martin, who has been part of Vick’s legal council through the ordeal, explained that his client “would soon be moved to house arrest at his estate in Hampton, Virginia. Martin also said that Vick has a sudden and unexpected pile of paperwork, photo shoots, kennel organizing, and, bookie profiles to sort out over these last few months under house arrest.

PETA was understandably mortified by the announcement. Though they have not issued an official statement, by mid-day on Thursday naked members of the organization were crawling on their hands and knees in Central Park while others held signs that said “I would rather crawl around naked than just about anything else.”

Samuel Waxbone, of Rock Springs, AR, stands to benefit from the new budget directive. He runs a small tamale cart outside the city hall and he thinks his tamales could be a hit at dog fighting events. “Its all about opportunity,” says Waxbone. “The government is bringing people together in a commercial cooperative. Dog-fighting will also serve to inspire the tamale, soda, alcohol, drug, and prostitution industries in these parts.”

Despite the effect this move may have on rural economic sustainability there are many who suggest the measure might be a little extreme. Davie Newcomb, who lives outside Davenport, IA, is conflicted about the decision to make dog-fighting accessible. “My cairn terrier could destroy any dog it faced but I have principals. I will not be a part of this, even if I could earn a lot of money. But I am glad it will soon be easier to abort more babies. Our President is a smart man.”

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Obama Lays Out Game Plan for Economy

President Obama laid out his ‘game plan’ on Tuesday night to get the American economy back on track. The President made use of great locker room jargon such as “confront boldly the challenges we face” and our problems “don’t lie beyond our reach.” Mr. Obama tried to drive the “teamwork” aspect of his game plan home as he continued an attempt to rally the public around his own enthusiasm.

One of the focal points of his game plan is job creation in the private sector. The President explained this focus by saying, “The projects created by the stimulus package will create many more jobs in the private sector than within the government.” The President then drove the point home when he said, “…and the point guard will come off the screen and either hit the big man down low or take the open shot.”

During the speech, Vice President Biden, wrinkled his eyebrows and looked around for confirmation that what he was hearing from the President was indeed correct. This was most notable when the President explained that, “the onus on government spending will allow banks to get back on defense quickly so the other team doesn’t score an easy layup in transition.”

A historical moment occurred at the 6 minute mark of the President’s speech when the President stepped away from the podium and nailed two free throws at a basket erected for the occasion. The audience seemed confused but decided to cheer anyway. Harry Mantru, who was in stands, said he thought the part about the refs failing to call a three second violation on WaMu was particularly important because it suggested that key whistle blowers who should keep our banks healthy have been asleep on the job. Harry was also lucky enough to catch a T-shirt that was fired into the stands.

The President’s speech writer, Jon Favreau, was asked about how he came up with what many are calling an unusual speech at best.

“Well a few days ago the President asked me to write this speech about getting the economy back on track. But at the same time he asked me to take notes on the Maryland/UNC game which he was going to miss. I thought I made distinctions between the game notes and the speech but maybe there was some confusion. All in all I think the President did a fabulous job and I am glad that next year Americans will be able to submit tournament brackets in place of tax returns.”

The PA announced the speech’s attendance at 2,814.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Nation’s Ducks to Fly South for the Summer Too

The current economic recession is beginning to take a toll on the United States’ duck population. Early field reports indicate that few, if any, ducks will make the return trip north from their southward journeys beginning last fall. The change in migration patterns is describes as being related to a host of recession related problems, according to

Amont Jefferson, who works for the online organization and helps to simulate the website’s Waterfowl Migration Map, said that the decision to remain south of the U.S. border began to spread among migrating ducks last October. “It was about then the economy really began to show its spots. We recorded an abnormal amount of chatter within migrating V’s and we can only assume that the ducks were debating their course of action.

The southward trend came as bad news to Herman Schoebel, a school bus driver in Eagle, ID. “The school district is going to gerrymander the bus routes after the school year and I may be out of a job,” says Schoebel. I was counting on the fall duck hunt to bring a little bit of food into the house, but it looks like those ducks have outsmarted me again.”

Whether or not migrating ducks realized their value as edible meat would increase with the slumping economy remains to be seen. Early reports from Mexican and Caribbean game officials indicate that freshwater locations in their countries have been choked with waterfowl from the north. It is too early in the season to realize the ducks migrational intentions but state officials are preparing for a possible influx of ducks for the year.

“You can always tell which ducks are the Americans,” said Ernesto Guiterrez, a street vendor near Cancun. “I tried to wash this one duck’s beak and he just waved me off like I was some sort of third-world degenerate. Go back to the States! I get treated badly enough by our own ducks!”

The long term effects of this phenomenon is yet to be fully understood and though Congress is appraised of the situation they have yet to enact any duck-minded legislation. Many duck enthusiasts, including Brad Hyacinth, seem to think that this migration trend may be a natural development the came about independent of the slumping economy.

“Well, to tell you the truth,” said Hyacinth, “I don’t know why ducks ever come back or why they were ever here at all. I mean if you are a duck and you can go wherever you want how do you end up in North Dakota? I mean, if I were a duck I would be in Jamaica or Portugal or something. Are you suggesting that after spending a winter in the Caymans that you are really going to be compelled to come back to Minot?”

Monday, February 23, 2009

Curious George banned from PBS

In the aftermath of the brutal chimp attack that disfigured a Connecticut woman’s face, the House Committee on Natural Resources has decided to ban the keeping of primates as pets. Rep. Nick Rahall, chairman of this nearly unknown committee typically designated as a punishment for lackluster congressmen, has declared a quote-unquote war on the chimp-owning community.

“This is quite overdue,” a stern-faced Rahall said on Monday. “I don’t know why people haven’t seen this coming. We’re all very well aware of the colloquial phrase ‘to go ape.’ Did we really think that was just a joke? This is serious business.”

Along with forthcoming legislation aimed at prohibiting this practice, the House committee has decided to go after what they consider the root of our society’s chimp-loving problem: Curious George. Rahall said that he has evidence showing the connection between children who have grown up with the loveable monkey and those who have later been party to violent chimp attacks in domestic settings. He feels that if the affable ape is removed permanently from our lives, our world will be safer.

“I have always held Curious George as the single greatest menace to our citizens,” Rahall said. “Since the 1940’s, he has given children this atrocious concept that monkeys are cute and cuddly, and that when they damage priceless artifacts at the city museum, all will be pardoned by some yellow-clad lanky person. But this is not reality. In reality, there is no forgiving man-in-the-yellow-hat with a happy little chimp. In realty, there is grumpy, unshaven and inebriated fellow with a camouflage Budweiser baseball cap, and his ape will bite your freaking face off.”

Rahall has spoken with the producers of the beloved kids’ show, as well as with publishers who still distribute the classic antics of Mr. George, and given them a pre-emptive surrender notice. “There’s no way our legislation won’t pass,” said Elton Gallegly, a Republican committee member from California. “And it’s just fair to tell these businesses to prepare to shut down. We won’t tolerate their brainwashing anymore.”

Other such children’s shows are beginning to panic, afraid that this overzealous committee will come after them in the future. Gabriel Adams, spokesman for the “Gentle Ben” program—which features a 7-ft tall grizzly bear who hangs out with children in the park as they eat lunch and then play games and learn together—was certain that the government would be nixing the show.

“No, we’re only after the monkey,” Rahall said in response to these fears. “There is no indication that people have grizzlies as pets. But, hypothetically, if they did have them as pets, then, well, yeah, I suppose Gentle Ben would be renamed Violent Child Abducting Toddler Maiming Ben, and we’d pretty much have his head, too.”